[Serah]

I'm at my end here...
I don't even know where to start...

My boyfriend is a WoW addict. He's been playing it on and off for years. There's been times when it bothers me and when it doesn't. It only bothers me when it messes with our relationship and right now it is. I try so hard to explain it to him but it's like it goes in one ear and out the other. He uninstalled the game and deleted all of it off his computer for a while then I find out he's playing it again. I asked him why he redownloaded it because he knows when he did uninstall/delete it I was crying that day. He tells me, "We'll talk later, we'll talk later." His friend then says, "Why is she being such a bitch?" and my boyfriend didn't say anything in my defense. I had to tell him to say something because he yells at me when I make fun of his friends. He starts telling me WoW isn't a problem, I just make it into one because apparently I expect him to spend all his time with me which isn't true... 95% of the time we're together doing stuff he wants to get on WoW. His guildmates even tell him, "Just play and talk to her at the same time." It wouldn't be such a problem if I wasn't worried that he'd leave me for some WoW chick and that he doesn't constantly forget that 'I exist'. He 'forgets' that we've been talking, for several hours, he 'forgets' we're supposed to hang out. I'm honestly starting to feel that he's just gonna find someone else on WoW. This is upsetting me to no end right now, I'm crying. He wants me to leave something that I've been part of for almost three years now and something that I love then he'll quit WoW. How is that fair to me...?
I feel at this point that we should break up but how do you break up with someone you've been in love with for three years...? How do you break up with someone you're in love with period. We've been calling each other fiance for a few months which makes me so happy but I'm so hurt right now. I know all the "He's not worth it." and "Find better" speeches. So please spare me. I'm not trying to be rude, I'm really not but I need real advice. I don't want to hear, "Break up with him." even though I know you'll all say that and I know it's the right thing to do. I just can't... I'm in love with him so deep and I'm just a weakling...

Please. Help?

WoW is World of Warcraft, fyi.

[littl3chocobo]

he's prolly not going to find a lover he's in it for the game rsh, and if you think about it it /is/ fair that you'd give up something as important to you as that is for him if he has to give it up

he ma be in the rwrong but from the sound of it you are willing to be just as wrong as he is

if you need to leave him do but take a week first to /try/ and understand his side, otherwise you are just giving up


<< also tell his friends to eat dick

[Serra Britt]

I'm guessing you don't want to play WoW, then? (Not that I blame you but that's something else.)

Sometime, if possible, go somewhere out of the house and talk about it. I know you're upset about it but the best thing is to not be too accusatory about it. People get addicted to things and it can be very hard to get away. I'd recommend talking about limits, or having a schedule where it's okay for him to play. From what has been said I wouldn't suggest trying to get him to stop completely right now...

As for him asking you to give up something you love so that he will give up WoW...that's kind of low. Compromises should be something beneficial to both, and that just isn't it.

I don't know exactly what else to suggest...things take time to work out and something like this won't go away overnight. I really hope you can work something out :3

[Serah]

I would be more understanding if what I love was causing a problem. It's not though and he's said so. He wants me to stop doing this thing that I love out of spite, not fairness.
I've been trying to understand him, I really am. I've been trying so hard to bite the bullet and just let him have his way. But I feel like I'm being walked all over.
When his friend called me a bitch he didn't say anything I had to tell him to shut his fucking mouth. But if I said my boyfriend's friend is an incompetent person my boyfriend tells me, "Fuck you."

And you're right, I don't have the 30 dollars a month to play World of Warcraft. That's my problem. And he doesn't want to try a game that I've been playing that is free. So why should I try his game? x_x;
We've, and I mean I've, tried to come to a compromise that he plays WoW and spends time with me evenly every week. If he plays WoW for nine hours, he spends nine hours with me. He did this one week, then he stopped, then started complaining that the compromise was unfair because he "can't sit still for that long." He can sit still to play WoW but he can't sit still to talk to me.
I'd be more willing to consider it leaving this thing I love if it was actually a problem with our relationship. It's not though, he just wants me to give it up out of spite.

[littl3chocobo]

then i don't know

[Serah]

I'm sorry if what I said offended you, chocobo.
I just tried to explain.

[Fey]

Originally Posted by Seraphim

He wants me to leave something that I've been part of for almost three years now and something that I love then he'll quit WoW. How is that fair to me...?

So...wait...he has to leave something HE likes, but asking you to do the same is unfair? Explain that to me please. To me it sounds perfectly acceptable. It's not that something has to cause problems to make it an issue, you're telling him he can't do something he really enjoys so why shouldn't he expect the same level of commitment from you?

Maybe set up a time table for him. Let him have times it's 'fine' for him to play. Say from X hour to Y hour. Just know that you won't have time with him during that area of the day/week. That way he can game and you can let him, so he's not having to give something up entirely. Don't make it an 'even exchange' since that'll just result in him lying about how long he's been playing.

Really, it sounds like the two of you need to compromise on some things. Yes, he should not play the game when you're trying to be 'together'; however, you shouldn't tell him he can't do something he enjoys just because you don't like it.

As to his friends. They don't have the right to disrespect you in your home, but to the same extent if you're at their place they're allowed to say what they want. If you don't like it, don't go over there. Just because they're his friends doesn't mean you have to like/deal with them too.

[Serah]

Please read the other responds I've made for a better understanding, thank you. ._.;

We played a game together for a while but it started to become too much for him and our relationship so we stopped playing, even though I made friends and was enjoying myself. So why should I continue to give up things that I enjoy and care about when he doesn't and refuses to? There have been multiple times when I want to do something, for example talking on the phone, and he says no and I respect that. It doesn't seem too fair to me to continue to be "walked on" when he's not willing to do the same. When he says, "No I won't call you." should I tell him no in return with a threat or something? x_x; Not being serious about that last thing.

I feel they don't have the right to say things about me when I barely say anything. Yes, I called him incompetent but I don't sit there and degrade his friends. When they're around I try to be as polite as possible regardless that I don't like them. It's when I overhear them saying things about me on the phone and he doesn't say anything is what I'm talking about. Trust me, when I see my boyfriend, I want nothing to do with them. They're rude, disrespect me, and just aren't pleasant people to be around in my opinion. Plus, they won't put in the effort to be friendly to me when I try to be friendly to them.

[Serah]

Thank you everyone for your responses though. I'm gonna go to sleep now.
If anyone else posts, I'll read it in the morning. Like I said though, thank you for all the responses and the possible future ones.

[Fey]

I did read it, and I"m still sticking with my original reply. You're missing the point of my comment. You want him to stop something he enjoys. He sees no problem with what he does, he doesn't see that it affects the relationship. So why is it unreasonable for him to expect the same from you? That is called compromise and give and take.

I'm gonna give you some tough love here. If you expect him to do all the giving-up of stuff then his friends sort of have a reason to bad mouth you. Yes, it sucks, and it's not nice, but right now what I'm hearing is that you want HIM to focus on YOU, and give up what HE likes doing so he can spend time with YOU. That's not how a real relationship works.

And, in the long run, if that's what you want from this relationship and he's not willing to give it to you, then it's not something that will last.

Ask yourself this: What are you willing to give up to make this work? Because right now you're not asking that, you're telling him what to give up.

[Saiyouri]

╔═════════════════════════════════╗



(｡◕‿◕｡) I went through this exact same thing in the
past with my husband. He played Final Fantasy
XI non stop for months straight and then
years. I was upset because he ignored me too
and wouldn't talk to me and we were raising
kids too. It took me years to realize this
but it was something he loved. I understood
that.

What one thing you could try to do is ask him
that when you two are scheduled to do something
together ask him to leave his game alone for
that time. He's too obsessed with this and it
isn't easy to ask a guy to put something aside
when they are that obsessed. What he needs to
do is try to organize his time. He needs to
realize that you are part of his life too and
that he needs to put some time aside for you
two and only you two. This is way easier said
than done. Trust me this will be a struggle
to do.

Try to get him in a neutral place. A place where
the two of you can talk and feel comfortable.
He needs to be away from his game in order to
focus on you and this important talk. Try to
explain to him that you understand that the game
is important to him but you really would love to
have sometime set aside for just the two of you.
Time where he doesn't play the game or think of it.
Tell him you aren't asking him to quit the game
at all, just try to set aside more time for
the two of you to be alone and enjoy each others
company. It will be hard to do and it will be
hard to get him to pull himself away from WoW.
He will have to work hard on it. It will take
sometime for him to do this, but be patient.
If he isn't willing to do this for the both of
you, then let him know that you are feeling
neglected and ignored, like you don't matter
to him anymore like you sound like you already
are feeling. You might need to tell him you
need to take some time alone from each other
since he isn't willing to do this one small
thing for you. He has to realize that you are
important to him and he needs to put you first
too. His friend was in the wrong, he doesn't
understand how hard it is to work on a
relationship.

The one thing to make sure you don't do is tell
him he has to quit the game completely. That will
definately make him not want to try to set time
aside from the game where he just focus' on other
things. He will feel like you are trying to control
him and that is one thing you can't do to a guy, I
took like 14yrs to figure this out >.>; Maybe once
he starts to spend time with you and not the game
and 'you' he might take more time away from the game
to focus on your relationship. He has to be willing
to do this on his own and not feel like he is being
pushed into this. I know you might want him to give
it up all together, but sometimes when a guy finds
something that they love that much, they need to
know you are not demanding that they stop what they
want just so you get your way.

I don't mean to sound mean or rude, I'm trying to
be as supportive as possible. I know this is a hard
thing to go through, especially when you feel like
you mean nothing at all to him, but I'm sure he
loves you alot and you mean the world to him. He's
just obsessed with something that is controlling
his life.

My husband has a suggestion for you, I can't believe
I didn't think of this. I did this lol. He suggests
that you make your own account and play the game
with him. It will give him a sense that you are
trying to do something with him that he enjoys. And
in doing so you will be able to talk to him ingame
in tells so he won't be able to ignore you because
he will be looking at the screen non stop and he
will feel guilty if he doesn't help you do all the
low level garbage that he's done so many times
already. This will basically drain all the fun
out of the game for him. It worked for me. He
doesn't play FF11 anymore. We did things together
everytime we were on the game together, the
entire time and he wasn't able to enjoy the high
level things you can do if you are the max level.
It might take awhile to do this but it should
work. At least you are showing him that you want
to be part of something that is a big part of
his life and you are trying to embrace it as
well. Give it sometime but it will eventually
work. I wish you the best of luck with this
hard time. I know exactly what you are going
through and it is hard to deal with especially
since not many people know what it's like
and how it feels. I'm here if you ever need
anything. *huggles*



╚═════════════════════════════════╝

[Kotomi]

Okay it seems you are focusing on the wrong thing, do not try taking something away from someone you like, taking things away that they like can be stressful to them, and cause ill feelings or words to you
my parents for example: mom gets mad because dad is playing a game, she wants him to stop playing a game so she can spend time with him
it just causes problems
(more stress and less time together... since they both like doing different things- dad for the most part stopped playing to stop fighting, she is lucky he didn't leave her because people he knows who have seen them like that, said they wouldn't deal with it...)


I've found for myself it is alright to just be in a room together without having to do the same thing... but in my relationship we both can handle that, we don't have to be out going some place to have fun
sometimes just being in the same room is enough

so let him play and just focus on spending time with him

[Serah]

I'll repeat this since it wasn't in what I originally typed.
I have already given up things to keep our relationship together. Things that made me happy and things that I enjoyed doing. He and I used to play a game together and after a while it started to take a toll on our relationship because we'd fight every day. He said he was going to quit because it was taking too much of a toll on him and he thought I should quit too. I left the game to better our relationship. I left behind friends I had become close to and I left behind a character I put dedication into that I was proud of. Am I not allowed to ask him to quit a game that he has friends on a character on just because what I did was years ago?

He's asking me to give up a volunteer job that I'm very attached to. These people see me as a friend and someone they can trust and depend on. That is not the same as an online game so, I don't see the balance in asking me to leave. He's not just asking me to give up this job either, he wants me to give up two things or he won't quit WoW. Is that still balanced in your opinions now?

And I stated, I'm not expecting him to give up everything. I ask him to give up one thing when I'VE given up MULTIPLE. He's asking me to give up TWO things dear to me for his ONE thing. If I wanted him to focus on his time on me I would have went and found someone else by now, does that make sense? I feel like I'm not being clear... Maybe I'm not, tell me.

I've spent so much time and money on this relationship what should I give up? The two things that are dear to me that he wants me to give up leave me with pretty much nothing. I give up these things and I'm left with my workaholic family, a sister that uses me, a friend who's never around, and a boyfriend that would rather play his xBox or his cards or with his friends than spend an ounce of time with me. I can't just give up the future job I may have either. And even when I do give up things for our relationship he hasn't done the same in return. I already gave up a game I made real friends on for him and he wouldn't stop playing. What else do you want from me? ._.

I have asked him to leave his game alone when we're spending time but he'll keep bringing it up over and over making me feel more neglected. I have tried asking him to set aside time for me. He can't. He always makes up an excuse to leave because he says he's bored talking to me. Especially when I'm upset he has to run out on me to do 'something'. There's been multiple a time where I ask him to please just talk to me for five minutes about something that upset me and he tells me he can't. He will wait until the last minute to talk to me when I've been crying or depressed.

Like I said, I don't have the 30 dollars to spend every two months to play WoW. Plus I need to focus on my education which will actually get me somewhere in life. He's already started classes again and he's still obsessed with this game. He could pull that off maybe in high school but this is college. He saw how badly his grades dropped when he didn't focus on school like he should have. I just don't have the money to pay for a WoW subscription unless he's going to cough up 60 dollars every two months, I can't. He could easily play a free game with me but he refuses to.

That would be all right for us to just being sitting in the same room together, but we're not. We don't live very close to each other and he can't drive because of a medical condition. I don't know mind just watching TV with him or having him play my xBox360 while I sit next to him. It's when he's missing every single little thing I say and can't remember what I say to him that I get bothered. He can remember what dungeon he ran two days ago but he can't remember what I said 5 minutes ago. He's incapable of multitasking even when I'm right next to him. It's hard to spend time with someone if they don't even know you're there...

[ShaylaSakura]

My boyfriend is the same way with stupid Grand Theft Auto 4. He always swears and the TV and throws the controller. When I tell him to shut up, calm down, and it's just a game, he swears at me too. :/

[Trakadon]

To be honest... This problem hits home for me. I lost my fiance to a game called "Perfect World" ( Ironic... I know ). She was one of those shut ins that if something went wrong she would blame herself to no end. And I suppose it was my fault it happened. I told her we needed to find something to do together and this is what she decided on. At first we were playing it together but then she started to do things on her own and I got bored of the game. Months went by and it became a chore just to get her to talk to me. I'd show up to her house and she would be playing the game. After awhile she stopped noticing that I even came over and she would still be playing the game. The only times she would notice me is if she got hungry, or thirsty, etc... We would get into arguments over the game and she would say things like "This was your idea." or "I thought you wanted me to make friends" and of course " I'm not leaving my friends. You have no idea what its like to be abandoned like that."

This went on for months and we stopped doing things that would label us as a couple... Then one day I showed up to her house and she said she had been doing some thinking about that things her and her friends had discussed and she came to the conclusion that I had been lying to her. Needless to say we aren't together anymore.

My point is and I know its not what you want to hear but... Your going down the same road I went down. I'm not even sure there is something you can do. He isn't willing to admit the game has taken over his priorities. And playing the game with him wont solve anything. If anything it will make it worse. I mean he is allowing his online friends to call you names and does nothing on his own to defend you.

It also sounds like he is willing to sacrifice his relationship with you to continue to play WoW. If he real does care for you then break up with him and he should beg you to take him back. And if not...

[Kotomi]

I'm getting the feeling it is going to be hard to work out
he is in his own world and if you two do want to work it out there has to be a compromise... somehow.

I do not think the volunteer job should of been thrown in there, even if you are just volunteering you can use that time and have on record and/or on a resume which could help in the future - don't quit that since you like it -

.