[Saiyouri]

тнє ℓσνє σƒ мαgι¢ ιѕ вєуση∂ ƒσяgσттєη
»·,´·˙(´·˙¸ ¸˙·,)˙·,´•·˙·,¯´·˙·• •·˙·,¯´·˙·•╭☆╯•·.·´¯`·.·• •·.·´¯`·.·•´`·.(`·.¸ ¸.·´).·´`·»



☪ஐﻬ☽ First off I am not asking for help. I am trying to get
help for myself right now and I am going
to try to get in to see my doctor this
week while my husband is home.

I can't wait til the begining of November to
see my doctor. I already cut my hair twice
and the last time was pratically shaving my
head with how close I cut it. Plus Friday
I took 4 sleeping pills and for the firs time
I said out loud that I wish I can just fall
asleep and not wake up.

Right now I am diagnosed with severe OCD and 3
anxiety disorders and I am taking Welbutin,
Risperadon and Paxil for all of them. But now
it's like the meds don't work anymore. I know I
have been severely depressed for the past several
months and its getting worse. Before being on my
welbutrin pushed the depression back and I didn't
feel it. But now even taking all my meds, I am
still severely depressed. I am even starting to
enjoy sitting in my depressed moods.

This has gotten worse since my husband left to
go on the road as a trucker. That is exactly
when it all started. Now he's been gone for 4
weeks now and coming home finally tomorrow. He
will be here for a few days and then back out
again for 4 more damn weeks.

I got really bad in a span of 4 weeks and to me
that is really bad. I want to see my doctor to
get rediagnosed again so I know what I all have
now and how bad my depression is before I find
a therapist. I'm scared of going to a therapist.
I have bad luck with everyone I saw. I tried to
get help with my first bout of post partum
depression but the counslor only wanted to get me
in trouble with child services when I only had
feelings of wanting to hurt my children but I never
acted on them. I would remove myself from them
until I got better. I had post partum depression
from when I had my twins until I had my daughter.
Which was over 2 years later. And I never got the
help that I really needed.

Plus I battled depression during my teen years to
the point that I would hit myself when I was upset.
I have finally stopped that behaviour earlier this
year. I started it when I was about 13. And I'm 32
now. ; ;

I just don't know what to do anymore. Right now I
don't have things to occupy my time. I am getting
a new chair in the mail sometime this week so I
can finally start cross stitching again so that will
help alot. And I would read right now but I am
waiting for one specific book to come in the mail
that I ordered today. I got my first shipment of
books in already but I really want to read about
celtic myths first before I delve into everything
else.

I don't know why I posted this post. I guess to finally
get it out and finally admit to myself that I
am seriously in trouble of doing something severely
wrong and it will hurt me badly. It took me 2 weeks
to finally admit outloud that I pratically shaved my
head. Which is good for me. Because I am starting to
deal with what I did to myself.

Talk about anything you might want dealing with
mental illnesses and depression especially. I know
there are alot of people out there dealing with this
annoying ass disorder and there are so many different
levels of this. I wished mental illness never exsisted.
No one needs to suffer like this at all. We all
should be living happy normal lives. But of course I
am really pushing it with my wish there.



»·,´·˙(´·˙¸ ¸˙·,)˙·,´•·˙·,¯´·˙·• •·˙·,¯´·˙·•╭☆╯•·.·´¯`·.·• •·.·´¯`·.·•´`·.(`·.¸ ¸.·´).·´`·»
uǝʇʇoƃɹoɟ puoʎǝq sı ɔıƃɐɯ ɟo ǝʌol ǝɥʇ

[Wicked]

Oh sweetie! I wish I could pick you up and take you in to see someone. Right NOW.
I'm really worried. I don't know anything about those types of meds but when you're watching commercials for stuff like that - it always says there's an "increased risk of thoughts of suicide in some patients" and to contact your doctor if your depression worsens. Only I know that's not really an option for you right now and in addition to the logistics of getting in to see someone you've had bad expierecnces and.. and oh.. this sucks!

You said there isn't much you can do to occupy your time?

I have a few ideas about that. Start drawing. Or if you already draw - draw some more! It's basically free. I mean I'm sure you've got some paper lying around and a pen or pencil. Better yet start writing. Keep a journal and write about anything and everything. Maybe even keep seperate journals one could be a "bitch book" where you just rant and rave and vent. Track your moods and write about what you're feeling but the another entirely separate journal could be about focusing on happy things.

Or.. do you have a lot of magazines sitting around? Maybe instead of cutting your hair you could cut them up and make collages. Let's see.. I'm trying to think of things that are cheap or basically free. How's your nieghborhood? I mean, are you okay with walking around there? Maybe you could start a leaf collection.

The brushes I've had with depression are nothing compared to what you're dealing with and I've never been diagnonsed. All I can say about it is I feel better when I'm doing something. I've only ever been in "that place" once with the hair cutting and I don't know what picked me up out of that. Sorry.

[Saiyouri]

тнє ℓσνє σƒ мαgι¢ ιѕ вєуση∂ ƒσяgσттєη
»·,´·˙(´·˙¸ ¸˙·,)˙·,´•·˙·,¯´·˙·• •·˙·,¯´·˙·•╭☆╯•·.·´¯`·.·• •·.·´¯`·.·•´`·.(`·.¸ ¸.·´).·´`·»



☪ஐﻬ☽ Those are great ideas Wicked. The journals seem like a perfect
idea for me. I think I'll pick up some
journals today when I get to go shopping
finally. At least with my husband being
home for these few days I will be happy
and I won't have to worry about my depression.
I just hope my doctor sees that I am an
emergency case and let me get in before I
get worse.

I heard about St. John's wort and since my
meds don't work anymore for me, that might
be something I should look into. It's
supposed to be a natural depression thing
so that might work better for me if I can't
get in to see my doctor. And that means I
will have to stop my meds. Which isn't that
hard for me. After a few days I start to
feel the effects of withdrawal. Something I
hate. I really should of read those papers
I got with my meds when I got them. I just
assumed that I wouldn't have any problems
with them, but I was way wrong on that.

I have drawn, and I keep thinking about doing
it again, but I just can't think up something
to draw yet. And I do want to write a story,
but I'm waiting til I get to town today to
get a notebook or two so I have something to
write in finally. I gave my paper and notebook
I did have to my son to use so he can start
getting into writing to help him with his
problem. I really should of thought that through
alot more.

I'll try to do those things and hopefully they
will help me if my doctor refuses to see me any
sooner. I just hope he doesn't.

Thank you for the kind things you said Wicked.
They made me feel a little better.



»·,´·˙(´·˙¸ ¸˙·,)˙·,´•·˙·,¯´·˙·• •·˙·,¯´·˙·•╭☆╯•·.·´¯`·.·• •·.·´¯`·.·•´`·.(`·.¸ ¸.·´).·´`·»
uǝʇʇoƃɹoɟ puoʎǝq sı ɔıƃɐɯ ɟo ǝʌol ǝɥʇ

[littl3chocobo]

sweetie i used to know exactly what you are going through and sometimes i still do, i do not take well to medications they only ever made it worse, but i do what wicked recomended, i draw, and a lot, on everything all over everything

you don't have to draw anything in particular i have pages that are nothing but one or two lines and nothing else. i am sorry i can't offer anything better than a repeat of an already offered answer though, but i want you to feel better and it is worth a shot

[Saiyouri]

тнє ℓσνє σƒ мαgι¢ ιѕ вєуση∂ ƒσяgσттєη
»·,´·˙(´·˙¸ ¸˙·,)˙·,´•·˙·,¯´·˙·• •·˙·,¯´·˙·•╭☆╯•·.·´¯`·.·• •·.·´¯`·.·•´`·.(`·.¸ ¸.·´).·´`·»



☪ஐﻬ☽ Thank you very much Chocobo. I plan on trying one of the ideas today.
After I call my doctor that is. I do have a hard
thought coming up though. If I want to try depression
meds and take the chance that I will be nothing but
a zombie like some people have described or if I want
to try St. John's Wort.


»·,´·˙(´·˙¸ ¸˙·,)˙·,´•·˙·,¯´·˙·• •·˙·,¯´·˙·•╭☆╯•·.·´¯`·.·• •·.·´¯`·.·•´`·.(`·.¸ ¸.·´).·´`·»
uǝʇʇoƃɹoɟ puoʎǝq sı ɔıƃɐɯ ɟo ǝʌol ǝɥʇ

[littl3chocobo]

i did the zombie thing for a while, not the other one though, i could not help you make that choice, just know i don't actually /remember/ my time on those meds just how i felt /on/ them, that should tell you something

[Saiyouri]

тнє ℓσνє σƒ мαgι¢ ιѕ вєуση∂ ƒσяgσттєη
»·,´·˙(´·˙¸ ¸˙·,)˙·,´•·˙·,¯´·˙·• •·˙·,¯´·˙·•╭☆╯•·.·´¯`·.·• •·.·´¯`·.·•´`·.(`·.¸ ¸.·´).·´`·»



☪ஐﻬ☽ Ya. I read a thread on a different site about people
who took meds for depression and they all said
that it made them feel like they were pratically
a zombie. They also stopped doing crafts, drawing,
everything they used too because it gave them a
huge block. I don't want to suffer like that. I
love doing crafts. And I don't want to lose my
creative edge like I have already. I can't lose
it anymore because I won't have it then.



»·,´·˙(´·˙¸ ¸˙·,)˙·,´•·˙·,¯´·˙·• •·˙·,¯´·˙·•╭☆╯•·.·´¯`·.·• •·.·´¯`·.·•´`·.(`·.¸ ¸.·´).·´`·»
uǝʇʇoƃɹoɟ puoʎǝq sı ɔıƃɐɯ ɟo ǝʌol ǝɥʇ

[littl3chocobo]

yeah^^: though on the plus you made up your own mind about which to choose it seems

[Saiyouri]

тнє ℓσνє σƒ мαgι¢ ιѕ вєуση∂ ƒσяgσттєη
»·,´·˙(´·˙¸ ¸˙·,)˙·,´•·˙·,¯´·˙·• •·˙·,¯´·˙·•╭☆╯•·.·´¯`·.·• •·.·´¯`·.·•´`·.(`·.¸ ¸.·´).·´`·»



☪ஐﻬ☽ Ya. I just hope my husband is ok with this change.
He said he will support me with anything,
but stopping my meds and going on something
else is a tough one. I just hope he does.
Would suck if he didn't lol.



»·,´·˙(´·˙¸ ¸˙·,)˙·,´•·˙·,¯´·˙·• •·˙·,¯´·˙·•╭☆╯•·.·´¯`·.·• •·.·´¯`·.·•´`·.(`·.¸ ¸.·´).·´`·»
uǝʇʇoƃɹoɟ puoʎǝq sı ɔıƃɐɯ ɟo ǝʌol ǝɥʇ