[Fallen]

Hey, guys. I know it's been a while since I've actually posted on here... there might not be nearly as many active users as I remember, but I've gotten myself in a situation where now I do not know what to do. I know it's selfish of me to ask for advice being the inactive user I am, but I need help.

To give you a pre-reading summary: this issue concerns my relationship with my boyfriend, my family, and whether or not I will have a place to live in the next three months.

Before I begin:

• Real names will not be used.

I am going to request --or rather, it might be said that I will demand-- that my real name not be used in this thread nor any other thread where this issue is discussed.

• The religion in which I was raised will not be stated.

Again, any users who know about my personal life, please do not state any excess information that is not already explained in this post. Period.

The story:

I'm nineteen.

My parents are... well, many would categorize them as very religious; however, they tend to bend the rules for themselves whenever they feel as though they are in the right. With that said, they are religious to an extent. If I am doing something they disapprove of, they will actively take steps to change it into something they approve of. If I make a mistake, depending on the mistake, I will be severely punished or treated with mercy.

Last semester I met a boy that I really liked. I met him through a mutual friend. We were dating by October. We've been dating ever since. The problem is: my parents do not approve.

I've already been through a number of trials since my boyfriend and I started dating. I've been threatened to be kicked out, told I was turning my back on God and told I was turning my back on my family. My father even told me he was considering committing suicide. Now it has gotten to the point where I am no longer allowed to have my phone outside of school hours, I am no longer receiving financial help from my family to attend Community College and if I do not break up with my boyfriend by the end of summer, I will no longer have a home to stay in either.

I need to go to school in order for my Career to become a reality. I already know what I am going to do and have already put in years of time, effort and emotion into my schooling to become what it is that I want to become. I've been attending college since I was a Sophomore in high school.

I need a place to live in order to be presentable for school.

The thing that is really bothering me about this whole situation is that the person I date is my decision. Whether or not I am in a specific religion or bloodline (for those who understand because of fascist parents) my boyfriend; my marriage mate; my future; my life is my decision. If I give up on my relationship, not only am I breaking my boyfriend's heart, I'm breaking my own and condemning myself to living with a family that I severely dislike due to their inability to accept the decisions I've made. On top of which, if I do leave him and am happy afterwards, there is a high chance that I will find yet another male companion to date that they do not approve of. This is boyfriend #3 that has been rejected. I don't exactly have the best taste for my parents.

I don't know what to do. I feel frustrated and depressed and overly stressed. Even when I'm not dating someone, my family and I are always at each other's throats because no one knows how to care for a family. Both of my parents are unstable and incapable of successfully caring for a family. It could be that I am incapable of these things as well... but I'm not getting married right now. I'm not trying to raise a family. I'm trying to raise myself and become a successful young woman.

I'm getting off topic...

The point is: I may be homeless in three months.

Advice?

[littl3chocobo]

i've been homeless, it sucks in a way that is hard to explain in any other way than it really /really/ fucking sucks

few boys are worth ruining your life for and the way i see it he is a commodity that while in principal you should be able to have he is, in practical applications one that is bad for you.

my advice is this, if he cannot/will not help support you should you lose your home he isn't really worth what he is going to cost and considering that you admitted that you will prolly move on to another boy anyway instead of waiting for this one until you can be in the clear he obviously does not mean more to you than you do

i say let him know you would rather have a place to live and a way to support yourself and that while you are not happy about the situation if he really cares for you he should try and accept that your parents are schmucks and that unless he can wait for you it isn't a viable option

[littl3chocobo]

long and short of it i say it is better to be unhappy that you cannot have what you want than to have nothing at all and trust me, at nineteen you don't have much going for you without someone helping you out and your parents seem o be helping you out a lot

[Fallen]

Yeah, that's the problem. I'm dependent. My parents are helping me a lot financially.

I believe that my boyfriend (let's call him Joe) would help me if he could. We've briefly discussed if this sort of thing were to happen. I suppose when he gets home tonight we'll see whether or not he seriously can.

Another really big factor that I'm struggling with is that I've been discussing this issue with other [older] friends and each seem to support me moving out to get away from my parents. One because she believes my family is a poison, the other because she believes that I need to direct my own life. Even my school therapist was advocating for me to make a move soon so that I could get financial aide for the next semester.

On the other hand, internally I have what you've said going on. The last couple times I've been threatened by my parents, I've been wondering if I should put things on hold. Yet again, there is a problem: my parents believe that "putting it on hold" means having no contact with him whatsoever until I'm able to move out. I was told specifically that if I said I broke it off with him but continued speaking to him and my step-father found out that he would pack my bags and bring me to a shelter.

If I were to suggest putting things on hold to my parents, how do I negotiate an allowance for me to continue talking to him? I still deeply care for him and would at least like to at least remain friends until we're able to begin dating again.

P.S. I doubt that I will be moving on to another boy. I was making a hypothetical. I'd be more prone to wait for Joe than to get over him. My point was that if I did, it would more than likely just result in the same problem I'm having now. (Assuming I'm still living with my parents. Even if I'm not, there is no doubt in my mind that they will try to butt in and change what they disapprove of.)

[littl3chocobo]

well i am only 23 but as someone who has actually done it(i was told to do it too by friends and family with good intentions and it fucked me over a lot) is still think safety should come first over freedom to a point

unless you go to school together or work together or something i am not sure how you could unless you could work on getting your own phone, keeping it to online or something. i cannot help you there since i am the sort to go cold-turkey just to be safe(i am an all or nothing person

there is one lovely thing though, when you do get out of their house they cannot do more than nag and my parents calmed down considerably after i left and did not talk to them for a while, it may not be your experience but it is possible

[Fallen]

You're still older and more experienced than I am, so your advice is most definitely valid.
(Aside from the therapist, the other people I am talking to are around the same age as you. Both have had to either manage a household at a young age or leave home due to a more than stressful family life.)

Unfortunately, when it comes to me sacrificing something like this, I'm not willing to go cold turkey. The problem is that the stubbornness and commitment I'm able to give when dropping something completely like that is also in place when I decide to take something up. That determination is with me about this.

[Espy]

Being a bit of a romantic (as in dreamer, and not lovey-dovey person), I'd say that yes, your family is poison and you should move out. But I'm only 19 myself, and a bit sheltered, so to be honest, I have no real clue as to what that'd entail and what sorts of troubles you'd run into.

Your parents should not be threatening you. What sort of claims do they have against your boyfriend? I doubt it'd be anything that justifies your father committing suicide, which, even out of context, is a damn stupid thing to do. Who you date has nothing to do with him, seriously, and isn't going to bite him in the ass.

[Fallen]

I've been trying to determine what moving out would mean for me. I've even been trying to compare and contrast what months would be the best time to leave if I did leave. The more I plan it, the more I notice a lot is involved. It's really honestly all on whether I would prefer to struggle due to a decision I've made for myself or struggle due to my parents attempting to dictate my life. Which currently, if I'm being completely honest, I am favoring the first option. I do know I need to get opposing thoughts in there somewhere though, which is part of the reason why I made this thread. (I'm terribly paranoid that I'm being "young and stupid" with feeling this way and need to know if that paranoia is justified or not.)

The biggest thing my parents have against my boyfriend is that he is not in our religion. In fact, he's Atheist. He's very supportive and understanding of me deciding to remain [somewhat] religious, though. Of course... that doesn't exclude the fact that he's not religious and is bound to have different standards than my parents. The absolute worse thing that could result from me dating Joe is that the religious community my family is involved in would find out about it and disapprove. Even so, my parents would not be blamed. I would be.

In the end, though it may have felt like a terrible decision on my part for my father, it was not worth him contemplating suicide (or even mentioning it to me). I understand that intertwining religion with any situation makes it that much more touchy, but most religions tend not to promote taking one's own life.

[Alpha]

I think I might be able to help here; I dealt with a somewhat similar situation with my father and stepmother (they tried to control me and most of what I did). I chose to move out not too long before graduating high school, and it has been hard. Despite that, it has been the best decision I could have made given the circumstances.

First, a question. Do you have any family or friends that could help you out (i.e., someone you can stay with and help you out until you can firmly get on your feet)? What about a pastor or church? Some do run shelters and/or have members who are willing to help out.

As for the paranoia about possibly being "young and stupid", it is not unjustified. I wondered the very same thing when wrestling with whether or not to move out. It really comes down to rationalizing out your situation and figuring out the pros and cons to each. It may seem a bit cold, but it is the truth. Ultimately though, this is something that you have to do for yourself.

My advice in this is to move out (assuming you either A) Have a support network of family and/or friend(s) who can help, or B) You would be able to support yourself) if things do not improve and/or they get worse. If they continue to harass you after you move out, you can always call the police and get them involved in the matter once you are independent. It is not an ideal situation to be sure, but some hardship might be better than dealing with an influence/behavior which could leave a lasting impression on you the rest of your life.

[Fallen]

I do not have family in the area and I would not be able to stay with anyone from my church. (They don't run any shelters of sorts so I'd need to ask someone directly if I could, which I cannot.)

I did speak to a very close friend of mine before going to bed last night. She said that she was almost positive that I would be able to stay with her family if I were to be kicked out and/or if my home situation got worse. We didn't get too in-depth on the matter, but I'm hoping this week I'll be able to talk to her (and hopefully her family) about it and get advice from a counselor about how to apply for financial aide once I'm technically homeless.

[Lucid:]

It's a fine line between risking your own living situation and well-being for your boyfriend or for your family. There's a lot for you to think about. How would you feel being estranged from your family? I understand that having a controlling family is not making you happy, but they're still your family. On the other hand, is potentially being homeless worth staying with your boyfriend? I don't have experience in this case; although my parent's weren't particularly happy that I got married so young, they were still supportive of me.

I've always been a very independent person. I hate asking others for help. I left for college when I was 17 and lived solely off of student loans and a part-time job for about 2 years. Do you have/can you find a job with which you can support yourself? Moving out without the finances to back you up is almost certainly a bad idea. Financial aid for school is also a tricky situation. With very few exceptions, you must consider your parents' finances in your aid applications until you are 25 or married, whether they are helping pay for you or not.

I think the best way to make a choice is to consider your personal needs and situation. It may seem a little selfish, but I would suggest you don't even think about how whatever you do will affect your family or your boyfriend. Just think about how it will affect you and your future. If you imagine staying with your boyfriend for a really long time and not being able to go without him, that's an important factor. If you think that you are going to be dependent on your parents for your living situation, then that needs to be a priority in your decision. Remember that once you have the capacity to provide for yourself, you may be able to move out on good terms, whether that is in a month or in a year or more. Good luck with whatever you decide. :)

[Fallen]

Yeah, I know that Financial Aid is picky. I actually threw a fit about it not long ago to a friend, aha. Anyway, I've been doing a lot of research on how to get Financial Aide these last couple of weeks. I found a definition of what it meant to be homeless on the FAFSA website and my future situation fell under that category. Just to be sure, tomorrow I'm going to speak to a FinAide Counselor and see whatever more information I need to get.

Yesterday and Friday I did a lot of thinking of what I want and what I feel as though I need. It may sound childish and as if I'm doing it only for my boyfriend; however, I truly believe that moving out would be in my best interest. Leaving may not solve all of the problems that I'm having with my parents, but I'm more than willing to try it out since currently I'm unable to provide what they want (or what I believe they want) from me as a daughter. Communication is severely lacking and it's gotten to the point where there is no respect anymore.

I've decided that if I can find a job before the middle of June and discuss living long term with my friend's family, I'm going to fill out a FAFSA form, apply for certain grants, and say goodbye to my parents. Of course, as Lucid said, they're my family... I'll still keep in touch with them and try to remain in good standing, but... yeah.

If I can't fulfill the two requirements I've set, I'm staying home and finding a way to put the relationship on hold until I'm able to move out and find a job. If things come to the point where I cannot function (as it did a couple of weeks ago), I'm going to start house hopping and living with friends until things cool down at home.

Thanks for the input everyone. I'm sorry if it seems that I'm ignoring any of the advice I got.

I'm also sorry if this reply seems blunt and uncaring. I'm very tired from a long weekend with my parents and really don't have the energy for anything anymore.

Thanks again.

[Espy]

Then I wish you luck on finding a job; those haven't been easy to come by lately.

[Lucid:]

Best of luck with your future, and hopefully you can definitely get that financial aid. :) Hopefully moving out of the house and becoming more independent will also help your parents see that it's important to respect you and treat you like an adult. I really hope you can somehow keep a good relationship with your family and still stay with your boyfriend!