[Tears]

Warning: Vent/rant ahead.

I was hoping to keep my problems and real life drama off this forum, because honestly, those things are such a drag. But this particular thing has been going on for a while, and I have no idea why. It's really troubling me now, so I'd better get to the point if I want help.

I have this chronic feeling of loneliness/emptiness/stuff like that. Sometimes I catch myself just sitting there ruminating about past mistakes or imagining scenarios, good or bad, that probably never will be real. Sometimes i catch myself texting the same person twice or three times in a row without giving them a chance to reply. I just always seem to want someone to talk to, which I guess is why I like online forums so much.

The thing with online forums, I should explain that before moving on. So I cannot deal with people in real life. I only have contact with the outside world at school and through the internet because of restrictive parents. I have severe social anxiety and stage fright and very poor communication skills. However, I feel at ease when chatting online. Maybe it's the small degree of anonymity? I don't know. Anyways, the case with me is "just go online if you feel lonely".

It sounds so contrary, doesn't it? How I cannot get along with others in the offline world, but I like to make friends and meet people online. I do have very good friends in the offline world, but i'm not allowed to see them except at school. I do have a family, but they're rarely there for me. I've always grown up in a strict, oversheltered environment. i think I think differently from others and I get excited about different things. In general, I just feel like I cant fit in any cliques/groups/whatever. Even my friends group is full of mixed interests (not that I mind; they're wonderful people).

I'm just sick of also burdening others with the obligation to chat with me to keep me from getting lonely. I have so many self-destructive tendencies and stuff backfires when I attempt to make myself feel more fulfilled in terms of social life. The emptiness...it just feels so gaping and sometimes I think it would swallow me or something.

Well. I certainly hope that didn't ruin anyone's view of me so far. But there's a truth about me there, do as you will, I suppose. Kudos to those who've actually read my silly rambling. I really appreciate such attention...

[littl3chocobo]

sweetheart, if you'd add an explosive temper lots of tears and trade out poor communication with an unwillingness to make oneself understood you would have me exactly, i cannot offer advice as to how to fix it or make it better but i /can/ offer you the consolation that you are not alone in this aspect

[Daigotsu]

I was never bad at communication per se, but I also grew up in an over sheltered environment where I couldn't see people other than work or school. I made up for it by going onto avatar websites/forums and releasing my pent up social needs there. I felt lonely and empty to the point of self injury. I at least sort of know what you are going through.

However, I do ask... How old are you? I inquire only because once you move out on your own and have no parental obligations, it gets a lot easier to have the freedom to meet people IRL if you so choose. I was kicked out at 18 (on my birthday) and I hit the ground running. I decided to make friends and people I could hang with in person (a lot of because I couldn't afford internet).

So if you think it's bad right now, and the feelings overwhelm you, just stop and think "It can only get better" (if you do something about it).

C: My two cents.

[Belial]

One thing I don't understand, if you wouldn't mind explaining it to me.
If you feel lonely and are more comfortable being social online, why would you cut yourself off from that?

I guess I don't know how removing a social venue that enables you to open up and talk, gets rid of loneliness.

You do seem awfully hard on yourself from your op, I don't know if the stress from that helps anything either. If someone didn't want you around or talking to them, I am sure they would tell you.

You assuming you are a terrible person for wanting things such as warmth, affection, and friendship. . . .You seem to be beating yourself up for wanting what you should already have in your life. That isn't your failure, you can't be responsible for other people.

[Xun]

Wow, that's just. Wow.

For one, instead of remembering the past, use the past as a guide to tell you what to do and what-not to do. It's very helpful.

Two, don't assume people dislike talking to you because you're pushing yourself to talk to them. Sometimes, people need that extra person to look up to that talks a little too much for their own taste.

I don't know how old you are, but you shouldn't put yourself down because your parents say, "Oh, you can't hang out with your friends unless you're at school and stuff." Take those opportunities and hang out with your friends as if its the last day on earth because you have no idea if you'll ever survive the next day.

Also-- people, even on the online side, are pretty cruel. You're very fortunate to jump into this website and listen to people who're giving you advice or saying hello and stuff. Unless you can find a way to muster your strength and be able to take any negative things and brush it aside, I honestly can't say for sure how you'd fair in the rest of the internet.

I don't want to come off as "evil, mean, etc." so I'll leave you with this: Regardless of how the world's like, continue living your day-to-day life, knowing you'll be better. And even though you're alone, you know you have people backing you up. If there's one thing I learned, its this: There's at least ONE person in the world who cares about you. Whether or not you meet with this person is your choice. They'll care about you, even if you don't know them.

Sounds strange, I know, but its true. That person may be under your nose without you knowing it.

[Quiet Man Cometh]

You sound like you're depressed, to be honest.

Just in case that sounds scary, depression doesn't mean being suicidal, or crying all the time. Sometimes it can just be feeling a little sad often, or not find joy in things you used to. I have mild depression, it runs in my family it seems, and I find I can identify a lot with what you are saying.

I had a very different upbringing from you it sounds like. I was sheltered in part because I was ill, but my family was very open so I had no problem associating with people or friends, but following my illness I developed some social anxiety and did find it easier to chat online than with people in real life. I couldn't really understand cliques and such, and even when hanging out with my usual social circle, I couldn't help but think that I was really hanging out with my friend's friends, rather than people I was friends with myself. I also was concerned about talking too much with people because I didn't want to come off as annoying and was quite self conscious about that. It took some time to recognize that I was being excessive about these things and to work to get over them.

I can understand feeling lonely a lot too, and that's never really gone away. I spend a lot of time at home and don't have any real social groups or a circle of friends that I would socialize with on my own. It does take some work -and some nerve I think- to keep up a social life, or a life open to social encounters.

Largely, I don't think you should feel bad or upset if your online friends and chats don't quite make up for feeling lonely. That isn't to say that I value my online friends less, but sometimes there really is no substitute for the presence of a friend in a room.

[Tears]

@Daigotsu: I'm fifteen, and I plan to move out at 18. Plans are unclear though. I still have much to learn about the world before I go jumping out of the smothering I've become accustomed to at home into the "real" world.

@Belial: Well, it's not really just me in this case, if I'm understanding your question. I have certain restrictions even coming down to internet usage. I try not to spend too much time on the computer because 1) my eyesight gets worse yer by year; 2) some people that I've met have been rude when I tried to vent or ask for advice, so I don't feel as active when sharing problems; 3) I feel that I shouldn't depend on internet and forum interaction alone, seeing as I never really use chances to improve my people skills, as they say.

@Xun: You're not coming off as evil or mean. I've always tried to remember those advice whenever on the internet or when I actually catch myself ruminating and beating myself up. Thank you for reminding me.

@ Quiet Man Cometh: Yeah, I know what depression is; my mother believes that it might run in the family, so there's a chance that I may be diagnosed with clinical depression. I just don't know yet, so I wouldn't go around saying I have depression.

@All: Thanks for your responses. It means a lot.

[Epic Rave Monster]

You need to be with someone in person. Even if you were talking to people online, it's not the same. And I understand that there are better people online, because they're from all over the place. That can't really be helped.

I'm the same way. This loneliness doesn't go away. At all. It helps to be in a romantic relationship.. but it doesn't cure everything.

I wish I could help, but even I can't get through this.

It's possible you can meet people online. Of course.. you have to be careful with that. And even then, they can't always see you.. living so far away.

You need to work on being social. Small steps at a time. Sometimes putting yourself in uncomfortable positions will help you overcome them. I think you just need a little push.

[Belial]

I think what is important is trying to be social as much as you can when you can. I know it's a lot easier online but companionship is something noone should be without.

I am not sure what else to say other than keep trying, It will effect your mental and physical health if you have to be closed off for whatever reason.

Please be safe.