[Trakadon]

I stayed up late to write this. Not sure why this story was stuck in my head but I'll post the ROUGH draft here. I'd like to know what you guys think. But I remind you this was written while sleep deprived so be gentle XD

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There once lived a girl who was praised for her great beauty. All the villagers praised her and gave her extravagant gifts. As time went by she became more beautiful and equally selfish. When the girl came of age the tale of her beauty had stretched far and wide and men came from distant lands to ask for her hand. "Marry me and I will give you that you desire!" They all proclaimed. But the girl only turned her nose up at them. One day will out for a stroll the girl saw a man selling flowers. "Give me all your flowers" she proclaimed, but the man simply shook his head. "Aren't I beautiful? Don't you want to give them to me?" she said. But the man just simply shook his head. "Why?" the girl asked. Her beauty was without equal and no man had ever refused her before. "Deep within the flower fields lies a rose of such blissful beauty that your own beauty pales in comparison." The man said. Hurt and angry by the man's words the girl ran off to find this flower. For hours she searched the flower field until she found the flower. Shocked by the beauty of the flowers red petals the girl reached for the flower. "I shall pluck you from this world so no one will see your face." The girl said, and as she grasped the stem of the flower she heard a whisper. "I shall prick you so you shall never forget my face." The flower said. The girl retracted her hand in pain as a red blood droplet fell to the ground and where her blood fell a red rose soon bloomed and just as vibrant as the one before it. As the girl fled the field more rose bloomed for each drop of blood and soon the field was filled with beautiful roses of red. The tale of the girl's beauty soon faded from the minds and lips of the people.

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[Rigel]

It's charming. A lot of repetition that I'm betting was just the result of sleep deprivation and lack of full proof reading. It would make an interesting legend, if expanded, for use within another story.

Overall, I like it.

[littl3chocobo]

i think it could either be improved with having a note made of the continuing beauty of the rose or the girl being infected with initiative or remorse that inspires her to grow as a person that way the story feels more completed but as it stands neither the rose not the girl has an ending really

[Trakadon]

Yeah it does have issues XD

I'll be working on it now that I've had some sleep mhmm.

[Dawn]

Sounds good through.. could do with a bit more meat to the story.. <. .< and didn't expect to see your crazy rear up at that time in the morning.. -shakes head-

[Trakadon]

I'm working on expanding it XD

[Dawn]

Alright. As long as there's no sparkling and cat boys in there..

[Trakadon]

Well if you want them THAT badly I guess I'll add it.

[Dawn]

No, I don't. XD I never had a thing for cat boys.. and.. oh man.. o. .o the guy that wants to marry me is named Edward.. -freaks out- I'm making him officially change his name now..

[Trakadon]

what now o .O

You getting married?

[Suzerain of Sheol]

Well, since you prefaced as you did, I'll ignore the issue of form. That can always be fixed up later. ;)

One thing I will note, and I know it's a tired old adage that gets thrown around (probably more than it should), but I'm convinced it applies here, and that's the distinction between showing and telling. This is certainly written in a very specific style (the word "tale" comes to mind) and while that invokes certain things in the mind of the reader, it's also not a very efficient means of making the reader care about the story. Showing does take a lot more space, though, you have to build up to pay-off moments in the narrative, and it's a precarious balancing act. For such a short piece, it would be difficult to write it that way without significantly altering the nature of the story (and, obviously, making it substantially longer).

Also, just a helpful little fyi, when you append dialogue with something like "the girl said", it's proper to end the quoted speech on a comma, and the following word should lowercase. You do it right with

"Why?" the girl asked.

But you have it the wrong way in every other instance, I believe. Just something to keep an eye on. ;)

Anyway, my bottom line is that I think this piece deserves expanding, and if you'll pardon the pun, room to blossom. :)

[Dawn]

No.. I'm not.. XD It was something random he said to me one day and my family teases me about it.. <. .< now if he had Asian.. I wouldn't of thought twice.. {I have a thing for Asian guys.. don't know why}

[Trakadon]

@Sheol~ Ah I know. I started working on it this morning when I woke up. I've been rewriting and changing certain phrases and dialog. But I'll be the first one to admit that my grammar is my weak point when it comes to my writing.

[littl3chocobo]

oTo feeeex eeet~<3 gimmie something to read trak~

[Trakadon]

Its taking longer then I thought it would XD.

New Ideas pop in my head so yeah. I'll get another draft up tonight though