[Misericorde]

It's been almost a year, and I still can't get over the loss of my mother. So many things continue to play through my mind, and they make me feel so guilty...

The last week of my mom's life was the worst. She hadn't eaten or drank anything in so long that she was a little bit delusional, and her memory was cloudy. I was so mean to her that entire week, threatening her to either eat and drink something, or I wasn't going to come see her anymore... I got so mad when she continued to refuse... But I kept going to see her.

On the last day I actually heard my mom's voice, and saw her awake and responding, was the worst day of that week... My mom couldn't remember that I was her daughter, just that my dad was my dad... And that night just before we left, I told her that I loved her, and all she said was "uh huh"... Infuriated, I told her that I would not be coming back.

That night at 2am, the hospital called my father and I, telling us that my mom had taken a turn for the worse and may not make it through the night. I felt my heart sink. When my father and I got there, I knew immediately she'd be gone soon, and I felt so horrible that the last thing she was conscious to hear me say was that I'd never come see her again...

I stayed with her all night, crying... A day and a half after we got the call, my mom died. I never really told her I was sorry, I should have. I just told her that I loved her, and I hope she heard me...

But to this day I can't forgive myself for what I said, and I can't get over having lost her so quick. I miss her every day, and I cry every couple days still... I don't know how to cope, I can't be strong anymore, because that just hurts...

I don't know what anyone can do to help, I don't think there is anything anyone can do to help... But I just need to vent about this, get it off my chest... That probably won't help either, but it's worth a short...

[Pocket]

Oh hun... text me if you need to. I have the weekends off so I'll be free to text then..but during the week it may be on the slow side.. I'm here for you.

I know its hard.. I have regrets too..and I'm slowly learning to accept them and grow from them.

I wish I could be there so you can just open up and cry and let it all out.

Every time I see a butterfly, its bitter sweet.

[littl3chocobo]

sweetie, you are her child, you were scared, you did what any child would do, if she were here would she understand? would she still love you anyway?

you are angry and torn that you said hurtful things to her because you were scared for her but you were still /there/ you were still trying to help, to keep her.

i don't know if this helps at all and really it is not such an uplifting thing to say but think of all the mothers left alone to die, in nursing homes in crowded broken apartments on the street. mothers left alone. you were there for her at least, even as she was leaving you, wore what it's worth i admire that

[Misericorde]

@ Pocket ;; I know, thanks hun... Lately I can't find the time to text anyone, I feel so secluded from the world except my dad and boyfriend... -Falls over.-

@ Choco ;; You're right, I was there for her, but I still can't help but feel ashamed...