[Soul Dreamer]

Stronger then a back stabber

if you stab me in the back and paralyze me ill learn to walk again, if you tell the world my deepest secret ill hold my head high and find a new one you wont ever know, if you make me cry til my makeup runs ill whipe it off and start fresh, if you ruin my life like you did before ill build it up again from the ashes, if you shoot me dead in the head and cut out my heart just for fun ill live long enough to take back my heart and tell you... your a sad sad person and i hope you had fun playing your little game cuz it was hell for me but guess what? i won anyways... bury me deep and hope we dont meet again cuz this girl is brave strong and will not die easy.

Moving On

the suns gone now and so are my thoughts about you. in the night i am free from the burdens of the day. i can breathe and relax. i think about you rarely now but when i do the tears threaten to break free and my soul feels weak. i look up and theres the boy who took your place. the one who whipes away the tears and makes me smile. the boy who keeps insanity pain fear and depression away. i am happier with him then i ever was with you. so take whats left of your love and take the scar you left on my heart and leave. your not welcome in my heart anymore.

Painful Insanity

bloody footprints down the hall smeared red hands against the wall screaming why why must i fall trying harder and harder not to hear you call waking from a dream of fear trying hard to keep in the tear my minds gone white as snow blank and the people around are walking the plank my lifes in chaos and full of pain hurry now or youll never speak again my minds in a bloody painful blur i just realized in this life there is no cure i cant begin to see through the mist as i dodge blindly every fist oh snap, i didnt dodge, i guess its time for more pain, hang on wait a minute, nevermind its not real, this pain, its only me, im insane.

The Boy

his eyes, from cold to warm, they change his soul with them, i fear him no more, i welcome his love, and hate his distance, life is great when he holds me, okay when he cant, the boy i speak of has my heart, as he tries to find feelings long left behind, i wait for the day he can give me his heart again, i missed his hugs, kisses, and humor, it is great to be near him again, my life is a happy one with him in it. ♥

A Love Worth Fighting For

saw your face in the crowd today, felt you stare right through me, is this the rest of our lives, knowing the love we both have exists and constantly ignoring it, i dont like this life i dont embrace it as my own, the only thing i wouldnt change is you and me, that blissful love and shocking electric reaction, the all around natrality and rawness of what we are together, yoour kiss your hug you simple scent digs at my heart making it scream and ache to belong to you again, i just wanted you to know, your all i think of, all i want, you give me hope when i have none, making me smile when i wanna cry, you you are the one, the one my heart needs, the one i love.

Please Come Back </3

that sound you hear, that cracking breaking sound, that sound making you cover your ears, the one from you darkest dreams, that sound echos from me, from deep inside my soul, down in the center of my being, that spot where the organ that beats was, that now empty broken spot in my body, it screams for a boy, a boy i already lost, the one i need, the one i despirately want back, oh how i miss that boy, so why dont i get him back you may ask, i dont cause i cant, it is not my choice to make, i feel so sad so alone so broken, i want to feel that familiar love that once forbidden touch, i want him back! :( </3

[littl3chocobo]

well the first read strange since it was ultimately only two sentences long and did not contain any natural breaks

the second is full of fragmented lines, what about 'the boy'? who is 'the one'? i think this one would benefit from being like the first in that it does not have many stops

the third i cannot even understand, you need to heavily revamp it so that there is content to it. right now it is mostly just words sort of put together loosely, none of it really says anything on any level be it emotional or grammatical

the fourth would actually be nice if you used proper punctuation and clarified where the end and beginning of the sentences were

the fifth was a little off, near the middle and end the words started becoming jumbled and unclear again though i am not sure if punctuation would help or if it is the wording itself that needs correction

the final one is a single sentence and suffers from cluttered repetition, parse back and keep it to one 'sound' one 'place' and no more than two reasons you desire to rectify the issue with the boy lost

actually you should take the three boy fragments and put them together as a series set of three, they all need revamping and badly but the underlying theme of them is sound. boy found<boy obtained<boy lost


and before you pitch a fit, please remember you posted this, that means you understand that the things you have written in it are public and open to discussion within the thread

[Soul Dreamer]

I'm not going to argue, my writing needs work. I was not myself yesterday due to multiple reasons and felt highly attacked, like no one was listening. I said multiple times that the chapter posted was not done and needed revising, but I did act immaturely and I apologize for that. Thank you for the input. Is there anything you can suggest that may help me pull together my poems and/or chapter to make them better? I would really appreciate it if you could help me.

[littl3chocobo]

oh! well~ um XD and see this is why until yesterday i was mute here, haha, i am an avid and well read person but i am poor at giving advice


um, well let's start with the fourth since it is nearly done, aside from the punctuation aspect of it the only thing that really needs work is a little ordering and some clarification, i will take it in parts where i feel a sentence break ought to be



his eyes, from cold to warm, they change his soul with them,
somewhere here you ought to put why there is a change, either from seeing you or over time it should be known or at least hinted at that something has cause it


i fear him no more, i welcome his love, and hate his distance,
this part needs something removed, either the first part or the third. if you take off the first it is darker since you are saying 'despite my love for him i hate his distance' if it is the latter then you are saying 'i do not fear him anymore, in fact i wish to be loved by him' one is a lighter mood the other darker, i recommend removing the 'and hate his distance' since it seems at odds with the rest of the para so far which is happy and upbeat


life is great when he holds me, okay when he cant, the boy i speak of has my heart,
this one is the one line i have actual issue with. i cannot actually make the decision for you but i do recommend a tweaking so that it is 'life is great when he holds me and even when he cant it is ok, because the boy i speak of has my heart.'


as he tries to find feelings long left behind, i wait for the day he can give me his heart again,
are we saying that something has happened to the boy and he is damaged in a way that disallows him from loving or are you saying something happened between the two of you and now he does not?

i missed his hugs, kisses, and humor, it is great to be near him again, my life is a happy one with him in it.
this line is affected by the other one so it is a little stickier. why do you miss those hugs and kisses when before you were afraid of him? has time passed since the declaration of the boy having your heart or is it something you liked from when you did not like him? if so then are you /were/ happy when he was in it or you /are/ happy now that things are improved from before when his affections were unwanted?



ok, i hope that helps, i am sure sheul cold have done better though XD after this though i might have you help me with a poem my friend loaned me to put up and have critiqued

[Soul Dreamer]

wow you may have just helped me alot more then you realized. and if you want then yea i'll help you. :)

[littl3chocobo]

did i? XD i am glad

it will have to wait until tomorrow though, we just got the event i kept hearing rummors about

[Soul Dreamer]

ok just let me know when and i'll help you. and again sorry about yesterday.