[Misericorde]

Okay, so I don't normally rant about these sorts of things too often online, but I've gotten to the point where if I don't talk about it, I may just do something stupid... Nothing really caused this, it's just my life, and the crappy way that it has always been, the way I fear it will always be... Hell, I don't even know how to start this thread, because this is probably such a cliche story. But I'm so sick and tired of being alone. I'm tired of being the girl that no one wants. I've had so many guys be like "Oh I wanna f**k you so bad" and stuff. But only a select few have said "I wanna be with you", and those that have only ended up hurting me... I'm tired of being the girl that people point at, laugh at, make fun of, whisper about. I know it sounds stupid, but I know that I'm going to be one of those people that dies alone. I can't find anything real for me. The only person that ever found me beautiful was my mother. The only one that ever made me feel like I would find someone someday was my mom. Truth is, I don't think I'm ever going to find someone. I've had to face the facts that I'm just not that girl. I'm not the one that someone would want to fall asleep next to and wake up next to. I'm not the one that people look at with an adoring gaze. I'm that fat ugly chick who shakes the house when she walks. I'm the girl that struggles all the time with her weight, trying everything and anything to lose the weight. I'm the girl that wishes she could just end all the pain with a single stroke. I just don't know what to do anymore. I want the hurt to stop. I want to belong to someone. I want someone to love, to hold... But no one wants me... I feel like I'm wandering in a world that I wasn't meant to live in... I feel so alone, and it never gets better. I never feel better... And it's never gotten better, not for a moment. That loneliness haunts me. It's like a shadow that follows me through everything that I do... I want to escape, but I feel that any method I try will only be the success of it engulfing me forever...

[Funkduder]

I see that there's a definite standstill at play. You feel that you mother, now deceased, was the only one that understood you in real life, the only one who saw you for something more and accepted every part of you, as you are while the rest of the world seems to look at you in spite.
But you mention a few that have been with you in the right way that "ended up hurting" you. How so? Was it a matter of love, or was it a different complication?

[Misericorde]

Originally Posted by Funkduder

I see that there's a definite standstill at play. You feel that you mother, now deceased, was the only one that understood you in real life, the only one who saw you for something more and accepted every part of you, as you are while the rest of the world seems to look at you in spite.
But you mention a few that have been with you in the right way that "ended up hurting" you. How so? Was it a matter of love, or was it a different complication?

Those that ended up hurting me were my ex's. For the most part. 80% of them cheated on me, and the rest lied to and used me. Only one of them did neither of those things, but he dumped me for a reason I still don't think is true. Any "love" or "understanding" that I have ever had has been shattered to pieces due to their acts. I want to find someone that will love me for who I am, not be ashamed of me, someone that will be proud to be with me and go out of their way to stay faithful to me and honest to me. It's not something that I have EVER had. Not online, not in real life, only in my dreams. Only in my mind where the figments of my own creation do more damage than they can repair. My mind and my heart are my own enemy, wanting what I cannot have, wanting what this idiotic world will never grant me...

[Funkduder]

I don't think "never" is necessarily the best word for it, but seeing the circumstance, I cannot disagree with what you say entirely. It seems as though life sucks, at the moment. I'm not going to say that it will get better, but nor will I say that it will get worse. It looks as though you hit rock bottom, only leaving things to grow out and be better than before. However, the question that comes to my mind in your position is "what will be done?". Rather, "What can be done at the current moment?".
I think I understand you feelings, a least a little, but being someone who no longer feels that feeling, I know that things tend to change. The main question, however, is what would you like to change? ...actually, let's start there. What would you like to change about this situation?

[Misericorde]

I'd like to change everything. I want a new life. I want a life that isn't so fucking depressing. I'm tired of looking around me and seeing successful people, happy relationships, and just... People who seem to have no problems where I seem to have the most. I'm tired of wanting to murder every single smiling face I see because I can't have what they do, I can't be happy like them... But there's nothing that I can do. And the thing I hate the most? Is me. I hate who I am, physically and every other way possible. But mostly physically. I hate that no matter what I do for it, my body refuses to shed the weight I want to lose, as if it wants to torture me for the rest of my days.

[Funkduder]

Seri... no, not seri. Mesericorde. How do you view success? Rather, I think the better question is what do you value? You're obviously unhappy. You're envious of other people's success (or at least their looks that suggest they feel successful). You're hateful of your own body because you see it as an obstacle to your ...happiness? What I see is that happiness isn't weighed in pounds, but despite that, your unhappiness seems to be caused by how people see you (which you say is your weight) which leads me back to the first point.
What do you value and why?

[Misericorde]

Originally Posted by Funkduder

Seri... no, not seri. Mesericorde. How do you view success? Rather, I think the better question is what do you value? You're obviously unhappy. You're envious of other people's success (or at least their looks that suggest they feel successful). You're hateful of your own body because you see it as an obstacle to your ...happiness? What I see is that happiness isn't weighed in pounds, but despite that, your unhappiness seems to be caused by how people see you (which you say is your weight) which leads me back to the first point.
What do you value and why?

I value health, love, family, and friendship. Not in that order, but yeah. I have only my father left, really, when it comes to family. My sister lives too far, and my other countless aunts and uncles live far as well, and my cousins. I only have one real life best friend, with two other minor friendships. I'm not happy... I haven't been happy in months. My unhappiness started in September 2010 when the one decent guy I have ever dated dumped me for no reason. I can't get him out of my head. As much as I want to be, try to be over him, I just can't be. He won't give me the time of day anymore. I miss him so much, and there's nothing I can do about it. I've never been so madly, deeply, truly in love in my life... As for health... My weight affects my health. It causes every body ache, every depressed state, every anxiety about the world and my connection to it that I have... In the end, my values are what drag me down the most, I guess...

[Funkduder]

Sorry this is taking so long. I accidentally deleted my response half way through making it. XD *resumes retyping.*

[Funkduder]

I don't think that your values weigh you down, but rather how you weigh them is, but let's start where your unhappiness started:
You said that having trouble moving on from your latest ex. (I'm assuming you're talking of him) You're having trouble understand his reason for breaking up with you. What was his reason for breaking up with you? I don't know. You don't know. However, despite his motive for doing so, the only thing that can be done is accepting the way things have turned out for the time being and moving forward. My friend told it to me in the best way:

we're also solo shows.
we're our own spotlights
we're our own managers
and until we get our gig going
and find someone who shines as bright as us
we're not going for two person shows.
we're going to rock it awesomely... as one person can

But I understand that it's only half the problem.
You talk about you're health, but I think that you're talking about much more than your physical health. You're demoralized, depressed about what people have said and done and anxious about what they'll say and do next, which leads me back to the first point:
I don't think that your values weigh you down, but rather how you weigh them is hurting you considerably. I think that you value your relation with other people; that you value how they see you a lot more than you let on. And all of this leads back to the first post: You say that no one wants you, that everyone points and laughs and whispers about you, but I don't think that's true. I think that you are worth more than you give yourself credit for, that you are, indeed, a lovable person and that you can be "that girl".