[Coda]

I do a fair amount of boffer weaponsmithing myself. I need to repair my glaive; the tip got blown out recently and I couldn't use it at last weekend's event. My favorite thing I've made is a GIANT DONKEY KONG MALLET.

Ginny and Jason (my wife and son) both play too.

For anyone who wants to see what we're talking about, I've got a video of a recent event I was at: https://www.facebook.com/calagot/vid...6786628235290/ I'm the one with the red-bladed spear (the glaive I mentioned I need to repair now) that dies at around 0:28.

[Suzerain of Sheol]

My entire life seems to be an exercise in trying to pass time.

I have absolutely crippling depression and seem to suffer from some kind of existential dysphoria where just being conscious most days is psychically painful for me. Combine having rich, indulgent parents and a profound desire to do absolutely nothing with my life and you have me spending probably the last two years since getting out of college barely getting out of bed. Having absolutely shattered health and constitution doesn't exactly help with that.

So, every waking moment is more or less me bombarding myself with distractions, waiting until it's late enough that I can drug myself to sleep and kill 12 hours that way. I also apparently function in a constant state of time dilation, where I'll wake up around 1 pm and seemingly without any time passing and with me barely moving, it'll be 6 and I have to force myself up to go drink/eat something if I don't want to end up in the hospital for dehydration.

I get about 3 hours a night, from about midnight to 3 am, where I actually feel awake and lucid, but that's... rather limiting in terms of what I can actually do, and usually results in me just wasting the time anyway. It's just staggering sometimes how entire months will go by in what feels like only a couple of days. It feels like my brain just can't keep up with passing time. I need every day to be twice as long as it is.

The real problem, though, is that there isn't anything I'd rather be doing. I don't really derive any kind of meaning from my life, don't have any particular ambitions, don't seem to draw real joy from anything I do, and pretty much feel like I'm just laying around waiting to die.

Oh well. I'm amazingly untroubled by that, and seemingly too indifferent to reality to care about how disturbing that is.

Hope you're all having a cheery day.

[Coda]

There was a time when I would have only been able to offer basic sympathy to such a description, Suze, but I've been there now. I understand how you feel.

I was trapped in a catch-22 with a toxic work environment and an illegal contract but no means to combat it. It slowly ground my ego into paste and drained me of my resiliency, my ability to keep going, and my savings. And then I got fired and screwed over for seventy thousand dollars with no safety net, no friends, and no portfolio. Your description is a very accurate reflection of how I felt at that time, and even after I got a job the damage still ruined my physical and emotional health, and being employed didn't really help with actually being able to get things done.

It's now two and a half years later. I got help, and with time I've been able to mostly heal. I can still feel the scars. It doesn't take a whole lot of stress to put me back in a bad place. It doesn't take much more than that to get me down to where I can't even bring myself to be upset about the fact that I'm IN that bad place. But every day that goes by where I can keep myself out of that bad place makes me a little bit stronger, makes it take a little bit more stress to trigger the spiral, makes it a little more likely that I can keep the world in perspective when things happen.

Getting fired from what was very nearly my dream job was a major blow. I ended up back down at the bottom for a couple months. But I was able to recover from that -- and I fully believe you can recover, too. I know it feels impossible when you can't even muster enough willpower to TRY to do anything about it, but it IS possible.

Hang in there, Suze.

EDIT: I think the worst part of that whole experience for me was the fact that I DIDN'T REALIZE that that's what was wrong with me for almost a year. I just didn't find joy in things and didn't really know how to have fun, and I'd find myself sitting at my desk staring at my monitor and not doing anything, and I didn't know WHY.

[Suzerain of Sheol]

Well, I appreciate the thoughtful words, Coda, even if we're both aware that anything I reply with is going to be tainted by my present condition.

As for getting help, it's a bit of an issue for me since I can't take SSRIs because of my heart condition, and even just in terms of counseling, I find I can never even scratch the surface of my problems before the session expires with a therapist, which always makes me get discouraged and stop going.

It's not like I don't want to get better, though, it's more I don't even have a clue what "better" looks like.

Also I don't want to completely hijack this thread, so should probably cut it there.

[Poggio]

Originally Posted by Suzerain of Sheol

My entire life seems to be an exercise in trying to pass time.

I have absolutely crippling depression and seem to suffer from some kind of existential dysphoria where just being conscious most days is psychically painful for me. Combine having rich, indulgent parents and a profound desire to do absolutely nothing with my life and you have me spending probably the last two years since getting out of college barely getting out of bed. Having absolutely shattered health and constitution doesn't exactly help with that.

You remind me of my college roommate. She actually flunked out of college because of this and spent most of her time either being distracted by DODA, or watching me waste my time playing retro ps games when I wasn't in class. Lol we had a fun time translating most of FF7 background signage one night. Otherwise I wouldn't see her, because she would be asleep. It could sometimes be a week before I see her or she could manage to come to class. And I will never forget making the mistake of trying to wake her up to go to class.

As for me it depends on where I can find comfort. And by that I mean I don't like to stay in places were I don't feel like being there. It makes me very antsy to the point where I am spontaneously traveling somewhere to be alone.

If I am at home and its quiet, I will lay in my blanket nest, post on forums, listen to pandora, knit or draw. If my roommate is home and has decided to purge the house because of her ocd, then I will probably leave and walk for 2-4 hours until I can go back home to where its reasonably quiet. Or I will go to the Library, and pluck through random books.

[Fulkth]

To pass the time I:
1. Surf the internet. Trisphee and Roliana included.
2. Play Minecraft.
3. Cook or Bake.
4. Chores.
5. Watch tv/movies (I currently have no tv available at the moment though).

[Tohopekaliga]

Minecraft, eh? I used to play that all the time. Haven't in quite a while, though. Just kind of... Got tired of it, I guess. Still a cool thing.

[Coda]

I still fire up Minecraft from time to time when I'm bored.

[Zexx]

Originally Posted by Tohopekaliga

Picture, if you will, a day. Reasonably pleasant weather, no specific responsibilities to take care of--no school, no work.

What do you do on such a day?




I, for instance, spend a probably unhealthy amount of time looking at my computer screens. Split between playing games of various sorts, browsing reddit, and checking Trisphee. Often multiple at once because I have multiple computers...

Sometimes I go outside and such...but not very often.

I often take the time to write, or go on a 'Nowhere Venture' to find inspiration to do something or be somewhere. My mind goes nomadic, even when focused intently on a task at hand.

You mentioned you have multiple computers and I'm curious; Did you build them yourself or which brands did you get? Do you own any Alienware products?

[Fulkth]

I have been snacking a lot recently to pass the time when I'm bored....

[Fraynos]

Well I usually play games. I try to go to the gym but sometimes it's just hard. So I usually play on Steam or Gaia...

[Pessimisticat]

Browse facebook/instagram on my phone, come on sites like these, or watch a show (currently Supernatural). Sometimes a mixture of all three. If I'm super bored, though, then I go and take a nap. :p