[Salone]

Oh man! I'm so sorry. That sounds...so awkward! Poor thing!

That is funny though. Of course boys would be right there. Oh, boys.

[Nari]

Boys are silly. Sure it was awkward, but I've gotten over it. Now I just laugh.

[Den]

So I was going to post this earlier, but the site went down for maintenance right before I was able to post it... This is the first of three stories I have from my time in Job Corps back in 2008-2009. Borderline M, but mostly immature and hopefully funny:

So I had this roommate who was notorious on dorm for being a prankster. Her usual preference was to go over to the room of her friend who was our next door neighbor and put toothpaste under the handles of the drawers because one of the Residential Advisers had a grudge against the friend for some reason.

One day, the roommate got a whole bunch of condoms from our wellness center (they were of the mentality of "We know you're a bunch of horny teenagers, just use a condom if you're gonna be doing that sort of thing, we have a lot for you to use. Be smart and safe."). I didn't know it at the time, but she had a lot of plans for the condoms that weren't in the recommended usages...

At Job Corps, you do 8 hours of vocational training a day in your selected trade, or you do 8 hours of high school classes, or you do half and half, depending on whether or not you test out of classes (I tested out of all the high school classes, as I'd already graduated high school back in 2005, so all I had to do was the required core classes that they make everyone take like classes on filling out applications). At this point in my Job Corps career, I was doing the 8 hours of vocational training a day, from 7-3 every weekday.

On our dorm, we have to take our shoes off when we get inside, to keep the carpets somewhat clean... This will play in shortly.

I had just come back on dorm with everyone else after a day of trade stuff, and was getting my boots off, when all of a sudden, a condom wrapper fell out. My roommate and our friends laughed, while I tried to figure out how the heck it got into my boot... and then I connected the dots.

My roommate had put the wrapper in my boot that morning while I was in the bathroom. I'd gone around all day with it in my boot, and had been none the wiser, which was what was the hysterical part was to my roommate, because I'm the sort who notices right away when a sock starts to slide, even by a fraction of an inch.

[Salone]

Alright, so. Let me tell you about the time I had to slather my naked grandfather in vegetable oil.

I'm 14. At my house, which is next to my grandparents' house. I'm enjoying myself, late at night, talking to a girl when I get a call from my grandmother. "Salone" she says, "Your grandfather's drunk and fell in to the bathtub and can't get up!"

Oh boy.

So I let the girl know, I stroll up there and prepare to help him right himself. What she failed to tell me was that in between him getting drunk and falling in to the bathtub, he also became naked.

Completely naked.

So here I am, 14, spindly as fuck, attempting to maneuver a 300+ pound drunk old guy out of a very small bathtub. What's worse is that his fat has somehow suctioned itself to the bathtub, and I cannot lift him up.

This is where paying attention in history class helps, folks.

My grandfather's last name was Taft. He used to tell me that he was related to President Taft, who also happened to be the fattest president of all time. There are (unproven) stories of him becoming stuck in a tub and needing to be unstuck with buttermilk.

I did not have buttermilk, but I did have vegetable oil. Several bottles of vegetable oil. So...I began lubing up my drunken grandfather with vegetable oil, in an attempt to make him slick enough to unstick him and pull him out.

It works, although now he is so lubed that he can't be properly held on to. He begins slowly turning back and forth as he attempts to wallow. Locking arms with him, I manage to eventually haul part of him over the side of the tub.

This effort is not made easier by my grandmother, who is drunk and perched on top of the toilet seat with her chest to her knees, clutching a glass of wine like some sort of drunken hagraven from Skyrim. Just...laughing her ass off. Also one of the dogs, a mixed Whippet Dachshund Chihuahua mix mutt is barking constantly at all the shenanigans.

I finally get enough of him over the side for gravity to take over, and he slides over the side and his body curls up around the toilet. And he passes out.

I can't leave him there (doubt my grandmother could have crawled over him), so I spend time waking him up. We move him slowly in to a position to where he can stand, and I desperately attempt to keep my distance as I help him upward. I am seeing old and (now grossly lubed) man meat swaying about, and I am screaming to keep my distance. I help him hobble to his room, all the while being trailed by little Taco the barking dog.

After about 20 minutes, we make it the 30 feet in to his bedroom. He's standing in front of the bed. Taco is upon it, barking at him.

Grandpa has had enough shit. He passes out standing up. For a brief moment, he is balanced.

Then he begins to list.

It's slow. Too slow for Taco to notice. Gravity takes over once again and over 300 pounds of old man flesh begins to descend too quickly towards the little dog. His body lands on top of the dog. And it probably would have killed Taco, except for, well...

Except for the fact that he was covered in vegetable oil.

The perfect mix of force from the fall and lubricant launch the dog out from under him as the little dog yelps and goes flying over the side of the bed.

And that is the time I had to perform an action that belongs in a Cards Against Humanity expansion.

[Den]

*SNERK* Oh, sheesh. *raises her bottle of dark pale ale to you, Salone*

[Salone]

Thank you! It was horrible at the time, but I can look back and laugh now. And I'll probably be joining you in the drink tonight. Maybe. Not sure yet.

[Den]

Story time! Another Job Corps story, and again, slightly M, and immature.

So you remember I had a roommate who stuck a condom wrapper in my boot, right? Well... Before I roomed with her, I was next door to her, and shared a bathroom. In Job Corps, you're allowed up to a full week of leave time aside from holidays when you can go home and visit family. So, since I didn't want to be made a spectacle of on my birthday, I took my week of leave around that time.

Unbeknownst to me, some of my roommate's friends and my future roommate hung out in our room one night... and I found out about it the day I came back. On my side of the room, stuck to the wall and my corkboard, was pieces of a condom. The first thing out of my mouth was mu future roommate's name, because that seemed like the sort of thing she'd do.

Next thing I hear is "I told you I'd get blamed for that!". Turns out, one of the other girls we were both friends with had blown the condom up like a balloon, then popped it... and it got stuck on my wall and corkboard.

I had awesome friends in Job Corps.

[Salone]

Alright, so from time to time, something will make you irrationally angry very suddenly to varying degrees. To measure it, I use the Kravitz Scale. Let me tell you why.

When I was 12, my mother purchased one of those godawful CD alarm clocks. The CD she selected was a Lenny Kravitz' Greatest Hits CD. That's okay, at the time. Kravitz is okay. However my mother was a heavy drunk. Every morning at 6AM, this thing would go off at max volume, waking me up...while she slept through it and several other alarm clocks for half an hour.

Half an hour of Lenny Kravitz every morning.

For three years.


Now let that sink in. For over a thousand days, every single morning was destroyed by Lenny Kravitz. And being a teenager, I stayed up late. I would have very few hours of sleep, and precious minutes were robbed from me by mother not even getting up when her Lenny Kravitz CD alarm clock exploded me awake. This thing was set no matter what, even when she would spend an entire week at her boyfriends' houses. I would somehow always forget about it, and it would always go off.

Well one time, things were different. I had had an incredibly shitty night, so bad that it carried over in to the morning...when I was woken up by Lenny Kravitz.

I went full on apeshit. I snapped. Every ounce of anger I have ever had and ever will have I borrowed to fuel my hatred that morning. I stormed in to her room, ripped the CD from the alarm clock, and spent an hour beating the crap out of this CD.

I went full Lifetime Channel Husband on it. Snapping it was too quick. No, there was no satisfaction in a quick break. I took out three years of anger on this thing. It was shattered, bent, pounded, chipped, utterly destroyed.

I still do it though. As soon as I hear Lenny Kravitz, I am...well, triggered I guess. It sends me in to a rage that takes a second to come down from. But that one time is the only time I have experienced a full Kravitz snap. Everything I get angry at or suddenly ragey at (which is very rare) is measured by this one time.

Seriously. To hell with Lenny Kravitz.

[Den]

Ah, so you react to Lenny Kravitz the way I react to Country music.

[Espy]

The first time I heard the vegetable oil story was over a Skype call.

Now, most oldbies on Tris know this, but, my parents and I don't see eye-to-eye on the whole Internet thing. They don't exactly approve of videogames, talking to "strangers", what have you. (Let's ignore the fact that I am quite of age.)

So it's Salone, Suze, Galla, Quiet (was Quiet there? I forget. She might have gone to sleep), and me. I've got one earbud in so I can hear my parents coming, and the lot of us are on Guild Wars, running around the PvP area for no particular reason.

Salone is drunk off his fucking ass.

This also happens to be the first time I've introduced him to the concept of using gender-neutral pronouns to refer to me.

And to make it worse, everything I want to say, has to be typed into the chatbox.

So we're running around, trying to figure out what's climbable and what's /actual wall/, and just jumping around the entire place, with Suze and Galla going "wait WHO?!" every time Salone screw up pronouns, when Salone goes --

"Have I ever told you about that time I had to slather my naked grandfather in vegetable oil?"

Or, you know, something of that general nature, because that was literally almost a year ago.

"...You what?"

"Wait, wait, I have to tell you this."

"Ooooookay...?"

And off he launches into storytelling.

Less than three minutes in, Suze loses it and starts guffawing over Skype. Galla's wheezing. I'm doing my utter best to not crack up because that miiight raise suspicions.

What ensues is this: Suze laughs more in the following half hour than I've ever seen him laugh for the entire then-2.5 years I'd known him, Galla is /sure/ Salone's exaggerating, and I actually stop jumping from pillar to pillar for once and have to un-earbud from time to time because the three of them are apparently all doubled over wheezing that I can't hear my parents at all. There's a shitload of pronoun correcting from both Suze and Galla, and almost-uncomfortably profuse apologizing from Salone, and me struggling too much to hide my laughter to care the slightest bit. Salone cracks up so much while recounting the entire debacle that the story takes much longer than necessary to tell.

And to this day, that still might be the best session of Guild Wars we've ever had :|

[daikokunyo]

I'm really enjoying lurking here

[Den]

Okay, so I have a story that ISN'T from my time in Job Corps. It's from when I was working at a casino, and took a few days off to go to an anime convention down in Atlanta.

One of the panels was a hentai panel, and they checked ID at the door, to make sure no minors got corrupted more than would've happened at the con anyway. Since I was on the cusp of turning 21, this wasn't an issue.

We watched three hentais, one of which was super cute and had a decent plot (IIRC, it was called "Darling"), and it was also super goofy too because the main male was a manga-ka, and he did his best work when he was getting some... he would go into "Hyper Erection Mode", and there was this whole spiel with him in a sentai suit, and elephants running across the bottom of the screen... it was a riot because all the guys would jump up and do the little spin thing that he did too... and a few of the girls did too...

Between the shows, we would play games... and one of the games was dirty pictionary... one of the last drawings was one that NOBODY wanted to say out loud, but I was kind of oblivious to the discomfort in the room... (Yay for Autism Spectrum!) It was a drawing depicting a Dirty Sanchez (Do not look that up if you value your sanity!)... Yeah... I blurted it out...

At one point, the hosts of the panel were looking for volunteers to get smacked with a riding crop... so I volunteered for that, too... thing is, the girl with the crop didn't know how the fuck to whip someone's ass with it, so I caught the rod part across my ass instead of the tip. I had difficulty sitting for about an hour after.

So, yeah. that's the racy story from my last trip to Anime Weekend Atlanta, back in 2007.

[Salone]

Really? They don't know how to do it? Sheesh. Poor vanilla kids.

Yesterday, I screwed up big at work. Gentleman came in to the store in a wheelchair, asked me where the computer section was. Without thinking, I say "It's to the left over here, just walk that way and you'll find it."

I don't think he heard me, but the four people (including one customer) near me did. I didn't get in trouble, but boy did I feel dumb.


ALSO!

Going out tonight. Expect drink updates. It's been a while so I'll probably still have my usual alcoholic tolerance (The equivalent of a baby kitten, or an upper middle class college girl). There are to be shenanigans.

[Nari]

Salone, you have the best stories, hands down ! Jeeze! The one about your grandpa was fantastic.

[Salone]

Oh boy.

Well, last night was fun. My boss picks me up, we head to The Arrow, a little hole in the wall joint so we can see our store manager's husband play in a band.

2x Washington Apples

Thirty minutes later, we hop on over to The Chute, the local gay bar. Drag show is tonight, those are always fun. Also the only bar in town that makes people smoke outside, so that's a plus. The owner ruins my fun by telling everyone I'm straight, so no free drinks for me.

3x Washington Apples, 1x Coconut Rum with Pineapple, 1x Screwdriver, 1x Long Island Iced Tea

I'm not feeling it. I'm on top of the world. My tolerance is actually a thing, I can handl-

Whoops, nope. No I can't.

All over the place. Boss' girlfriend didn't feel like coming out, we're discussing all the super cute girls at work. Bump in to some of her friends. We proceed to discuss the uselessness of the male species (Trust me, I am one). They keep trying to hook me up with guys while proceeding to argue if I am straight or not, while also ignoring my input. There was also a bar wide game involving getting a condom from the bar and putting it over this one guy's drink when he wasn't looking. That was fun to watch. Am drunk, telling stories, good night.

1:30AM, place is closing soon. Figure we're about to head home, but nope. We're off to The Cowboy, a semi redneck joint that stays open much later. Driven over that way, may have performed the worst performance of the Macarena in a vehicle ever.

At The Cowboy. I drink...something. At this point just whatever they hand me, which looking back now I suspect that it was just water. I get a text message from Air Hockey Girl, from several pages ago. Asks me if I'm there. Then bam! Right next to me. We get down to talking for a while. Beautiful redhead, talk for a long time before she has to go with her friends. Boss tells me I'm an idiot for not picking up on that I was supposed to go with her, but I've got so much alcohol in my veins I doubt it would have mattered. We start talking about girls and flirting and how apparently I am just oblivious to it. I confide in her I fell for 'Netflix and Chill' about three times before I found out what it actually was. Eventually place closed down and I was driven home, but not before being taken to WalMart for Red Baron personal pizzas and those little chocolate chip granola bars. Proceed to eat all of them and the little pizzas. All in all, a good night. No one exciting hilarious story, but still a good night. I ache now, my voice is hoarse, but would definitely do again. Except maybe actually go with Air Hockey Girl next time.

Oh, and whoever kept grabbing my ass at The Cowboy...you're welcome. Getting my Retail Ass back, I see it's paying off.

[Nari]

Gonna go see Star Wars tomorrow night at a theater you can eat dinner at. After smoking a little natural stuff.

Can't wait. This'll be the first time in a long time I can just chill like this.