[NikkoGallarado]

I don't know if what I am going to say will matter much. For the few who know me and talked with me in past may know little. But for one thing is, I feel like I am aching from a broken heart. No it's not my losing my life partner but a person who I call father. I don't know how to feel about it, he is removing him self full out of my life.

But this is how it went I come from a strict Asian house hold, so while growing up I didn't get to so much I was sheltered for a long while. I didn't have many friends and I became a computer nerd who was online a lot back in the old days of my youth. As for everything else that was just a family life. As I got older I was far from my mother but very close to my father. Yes he was a man who called me his little prince, gave me everything I ever wanted and made sure I was pleased. You should say I was spoiled rotten by my father but I was also kind and giving.

He was very much a controlling person at times where he wanted my mother at home with him along with my sister and I. They where married and stuck with each other till my sister was olde enough to take care of her self. They finally split. But before all that I was still home I was never allowed much to do anything, so at 21 I moved out and just lived my life.

I kept in touch and called but when things got bad when I allowed my father to used my credit and he left me with all the debt I didn't know what to do any more I was hardly making enough to live. But in the end my mother came to my aid and help me out. But I will get to that in a moment, but it more or less I am talking about my father, and he means a lot to me. Even if him and I drifted so far apart. At one point in time before him and mother split he told me something that hurt, but I didn't think more on it.

He said to me while in the car was, He didn't love me as much as mother did. I didn't know how to feel....in all honesty I suddenly felt broken. The person I was close to the person I trusted, the person I looked up to told me he didn't love me as much as my mother? I don't understand....I never did. But in the end he said I had two kids I came to the U.S. hoping for better. But neither of my child had much to show, again I felt like I was breaking any more. So I am failer at whatever he wanted me to be, after that I saw him ever so often. He hardly showed up to anything but I was the same way.

In the end he married a women who was about mt age at that time after he and my mum where done. So I became far more disjointed with my family parting ways from my sister hardly calling them for help in bad times cause I didn't want to show them that I needed help. But in the end I would break and ask they where kind enough to help me. I was glad, my mother came to pick up all the broken bits. I became closer to her, I wish I could do more but I just not feeling it. I love my mum and I love my dad, along with my sister. But I don't know how to really feel any more.

I don't know what to see or anything more, my sister visits my mother calls now and then. I hang out with them both and have fun. But my dad I hardly have time, he just never seemed like the person who wanted to do things like that. But I think what hurts the most is he called me today and said he was leaving, he wouldn't be in state any more. Meaning I will never see him again he just said he was leaving going to Kansans which is for work but he didn't say much like I'll call you when I get settled in or I'll text you my new address it was just good bye....

I...I just feel heart broken, I don't wanna let go just yet and say good bye.....I should be happy? I don't know I just know that it hurts and it wont stop....now I want to know did I fail to be good child, did I fail to do my job as a son? Did I just over all fail at whatever he wanted from me as a child? Over all did I just fail.....?

[Espy]

Oh, so you're a second-gen like me...

I guess the whole "failing" thing is...not exactly your fault. It's more of a generation difference, I think...parents expect one thing, based on their own experiences in a very different country and a very different time, because from what they understand, you can apparently only succeed if you work hard. And of course our parents want us to succeed more than they have, which means, from their point of view, we need to work harder, achieve more.

But then we have a different point of view because we grew up here, in the US, and it's an entirely different place and situation. And all of our friends have a mindset that's completely different from that of our parents, and of course we get more used to our own generation's way of thinking.

So while it's true that, maybe you (and I) failed to live up to parents' expectations, we're doing decently well for our own generation, and IMO that's what really counts.

....Anyways, could I offer you a hug?

[Ginger]

I completely understand feeling indifferent about family. I know what you're going through with your dad. Though I grew up in a poor family, mine has never once called me in my life. It's always been me who has made the effort to keep in contact with him. He expects me to visit him, and never tells me when he'll be in town or show any interest about my life whatsoever.

I understand how you would feel hurt about his calling to say he's leaving state, and that he didn't mention anything about staying in touch. Please understand though, the people who make some kind of effort to stay in your life are the ones worth keeping. Meaning if he calls you, great, but if not then that's okay, too.

He's your father, I know, but you can't beat yourself up over his mistake of minimal contact with you. In the end though it's important to not exclude him from your life, but to keep your doors open and let him in, whenever he decides he wants contact with you.

In any case it's really great to see your post. It's been a long time and you have friends here who care.

[Lawtan]

I don't think you failed. Honestly, to this outsider, it sounds like there were other things (definitely outside of your responsibility and control) that led to your father distancing himself. He may have been fully honest when he said he didn't care as much. He may not understand it himself. Sometimes, people (parents included) are like that. Perhaps he still needs some "growing up" of his own to do.

Perhaps, as an example, my father will never be "enough" for my grandfather to care about him beyond calculated gifts. And yet, he has started a small Engineering Risk-assessment company in 1994 that supports ~10 families. He has pushed himself into a position where he regularly supports local military veterans (of which, my grandfather is one), etc. In order to please his father, my father has pushed our family to the point that my mother has threatened divorce multiple times due to stress. And yet, any time they come over, it is to nitpick.

This is not to say that you should "give up" on your father or family, but to illustrate that you can't force/change how your father (or anyone else, for that matter) feels.

One thing I am trying to learn myself that Espy sort of taught me is to take what opportunity you can to make your life better. In this case, perhaps talk more with your mother and sister?

*Offers 1001 hugs*

[AliceinZombieland]

I'm third gen, so I see what this is like for my mother. She was never appreciated in her home, being a girl, and doesn't talk about her family ever. I only know them because my father lives in the same state and we'd visit him, so he'd have us visit our grandparents on our mother's side. But I can see in the little things what kind of life that was for my mom and I can imagine what kind of life you have had. It is hard to feel a loved one distance themselves. It's hard to think they may not feel the same for you as you do for them. But men of his generation and upbringing, it sounds like, are not the type that show a lot of sensitivity or emotional weakness. He may be trying to seem detached or indifferent so you don't see his struggles. A father is expected to be strong for his family. And obviously I was not there for the things he told you, about your mother loving you more than he did, but I think that's true for many people. A mother's love is uncomparable, really, and I'd say it stands to argue that nobody loves a child like a mother does, and maybe that's what he was getting at. But I don't know the context of the conversation, so it's hard to say.

You can't change people, and you can't make decisions for them, so you have to make do with what you can do. You can choose to let him go, or your can choose to keep yourself open to him, to reach out to him. In the end, you can only do your best. But please, don't feel like you have somehow failed as a son. We are all given a life and even though our parents give it to us, it is ours and ours alone and we determine the success or failure of it. While we may not become all they hope or expect us to, that does not make us failures. We are each our own judges. And the only expectations you need to live up to are your own. Are you happy with your life? Do you feel fulfilled? Do you feel you have a good life? If not, make the changes you feel are necessary and keep trying, but understand that only you can decide what will make you happy/satisfied with life.

I hope you find happiness and your father recognizes it. I hope you two stay in contact, but if not, then I hope you find peace in the life that you have. *hugs*