[Ishu]

My husband and I are co-writing a book based on the "Fallout: New Vegas" universe and we would like opinions from others on it. ^^

Below is an excerpt from Ch2:P2.
(whole chapter)

I know the first few chapters are a bit cliche and after we finish writing the book, I'm going to rewrite it so it is 9000%+ better. ^^ The current chapters are considerably better than the first few but we don't plan on altering our characters much because, well, they're people. xD

Anyway, please let me know what you think. @w@

After thirty minutes of complete silence except for the crackling fire, Jeb's Gecko Steak was done. He took his boot knife and jabbed it into the medium well flank and put it in a cloth napkin he retrieved from his back pocket and began to chew on the stringy reptilian flesh. Talking through the chunks of chewed up meat in his bearded mouth; Jeb began to speak at length to the man sitting silently next to him. He spoke of his travels with the rangers. He was 19 when he joined the Desert rangers after his parents were killed. He traveled around with a group that taught him how to live off the land, shoot, hunt, and survive with a knife and nothing else. "Those where the good 'ol days." He said after swallowing and taking a sip of water from his canteen. "Then 'th NCR came 'n well... it was orders time. 'Ya know 'th Mojave was 'perdy quiet place, 'ez much as a lawl's land 'cn get any how, 'til the NCR showed up. Then Caesar start'd poke'n his bald noggin round here, and then 'th whole place became 'a hell hole. Don't get m' wrong, I did enjoy having structure to my work 'n all. Just ain't no reason 'fer people to be play'n 'Whose barrel is biggest!?' Know what I mean, big'un?"

Jeb looked over at his new companion and saw he was asleep sitting with his spine straight as an arrow and his legs crossed. He chuckled to himself as he said "Tribals... sure are a funny bunch." Jeb finished the last chunk of flank with a gigantic glutinous gulp and laid down with a rock as a pillow and then went to bed.

The following morning, Alice sat up and threw her petite arms in the sky as she stretched, yawning a beastly girlish yawn. She rubbed her eyes as they were trying to get adjusted to the morning sun. As soon as she could see she felt around behind her to grab her morning reading material and felt something unexpected. She turned around to see that she was holding a rather large tribal man's foot; which was more than three times the size of her hand. Long Shadow opened his eyes and looked at the young girl and gave her a friendly smile with an almost introductory grunt. He then childishly began to wiggle his toes.

She let out a resounding scream which echoed through the canyons for miles.

V If you guys could tell me how you feel about the character's chemistry, I would really appreciate it. ^^

Jeb’s brows snapped together with an angry tone, “I was thinkin’ about helpin’ some poor little ol’ girl get to a safe zone!” Bane rolled her eyes and threw her hands up into the air, mockingly, “Oh! OH! I get it, because the NCR is so damn great at protecting people! You know just as well as I do that they barely have the resources to take care of their own people across the border! What the fuck makes you think they can do anything about her on this side!?”
“NCR ain’t that bad. I know they are doing more than they can consid’ring their low resources, but at least they ‘re tryin’ to make a difference out here!” She shook her head, “They would make more of a difference if they took their time and did things right.” Jeb crossed his arms, “Well, there ain’t exactly a lot of time goin’ around here. People need help-“ “And the NCR wants to help everyone of them- but they just end up getting lost in a mountain of paperwork and die because the NCR doesn’t have the manpower or the balls to take care of citizens on a smaller scale.”
“…when did you become so compassionate?” Bane stabbed a finger toward him, “This isn’t about compassion- this is about an idea that is failing- miserably.” She turned away from him and ran her fingers through her hair, throwing it out of the ponytail from her frustration. She stated, a bit more calmly, “If they just stayed in California, they could protect it properly. Now, they’re meddling in things they shouldn’t and they’re making a mess.”
“Bane, Caesar’s Legion is a threat to the entire wasteland. It can’t just be overlooked.” She nodded, “I know.” “An’ even if the NCR stayed in California and tried to fortify th’mselves, we’d be sittin’ ducks over there. There’s ain’t nothing but irradiated waters for miles on one side and Caesar’s Legion swarming us on the other.” Bane huffed, her tone tinted with sarcasm and wisdom, “So, we’re screwed either way.” Jeb tilted his lower jaw, twisting his lips a bit before looking down at the ground, as if ashamed, “Yep.”
The two stood in silence, contemplating the others’ side of the argument. Both were right and yet, both were wrong. There was no way to win in the debate. They could only live. This is what many people believed despite whatever side they picked when it came to their opinion of the NCR. It was a stalemate and all anyone could do is hope.
Bane ran her fingers through her hair and put it back up into a ponytail. Jeb rubbed his hands together and clasped them against each other in a small hold, “So, still haven’t been able to grow yur hair back out, eh?” Bane shook her head, “It gets longer but the patch doesn’t fill in.” One whole side of her head was missing hair, but the rest of it was filled with long, dark locks. Jeb chuckled, “It’s pretty unladylike if you ask me, but it suits you.” Bane shrugged off his compliment, “Do you even know her name?”
Jeb nodded, “Alice.” Bane rolled her eyes and rubbed two fingers over the temples on the sides of her head, “Oh, come on.” Jeb raised a brow, “What?” “Isn’t that the name of the girl from that book you like so much?” Jeb cracked a grin, “Oh yeah. You should’ve heard what I said to her when we first met.” Bane put her hands up and slid them out past her frame in the air, “No, just no. I don’t want to hear about another poor pick-up line that could be used last minute when you meet someone in a bar.”

[Quiet Man Cometh]

Hi there. I read your excerpt, You're right about the writing being quite cliche, and I think you use far more descriptive words than you need. It gets to be overboard after a while. What got my attention most though, was the gecko steak.

I looked it up (it bugged me enough to go wiki it. That's how picky I can get about details ;)) and the largest gecko is an island dwelling fellow about 14 inches long, and in the picture it still has tiny legs. Eating a piece of even big gecko flank would be like eating a chicken nugget for dinner. It doesn't fit with what your character is doing in the picture. Gecko tail would make more sense I think, since there's definately more meat there.

I'm not familiar with the New Vegas Universe though, but unless they have big geckos, something like joanna steak might be more realistic. Those are my initial thoughts.

[Tiva]

Quiet... they can get quite big

Gecko in Fallout

[Ishu]

@Quiet: They are generally larger than dogs >_>;;; so, yeah xD The steak is fine, LOL.

[Quiet Man Cometh]

Ah! I see. Said I wasn't familiar with the universe you are working with. :S. I'm not even all that familiar with Fallout beyond the name. Still, something to keep in mind though for later stuff, just in case. ;)

[Ishu]

Thanks ^^ I also added a second spoiler content we have not released yet. I'd like to know everyone's thoughts on the characters' chemistry/dynamics.