[Lauv Keiko]

Well, a good friend of our family (was a pastor) died a week ago and yesterday was the last vigil...there were a lot of people; because, well, he's a pastor and he knew a lot of people. I went with my dad because I wanted to see for myself ((I have a hard time believing deaths in family and friends, so yeah, confirmed it last night)) anyways, it was very very awkward last night. I don't really know why it was awkward...but I had the feeling that I need to escape. Maybe because there were a lot of people and the atmosphere was just depressing...and I for a fact know how quickly I get depressed, I felt the need to leave, but I didn't leave yet..the widow offered me some food, so I had to eat, I was hungry myself. Then there were these two guys who worked for the old man; I was serving myself some chicken and beef and they were standing behind me, one of them said, "Imma go eat, I'm really hungry...Look at her (pertaining to me), she doesn't need to eat, but she's gunna eat." and the other laughed... I was pissed off...but I had to let it go. Then I said to myself, "Even though I'm this big, I'm still human and I need food."
I almost cried, but then I realized, I finished college with flying colors, I have a great job and a much better life than they have, so I won't stoop to their level. I mean, they could joke around, it's fine...they can laugh at me, it's okay...but in that specific occasion? there was a dead man and they have the guts to insult and make fun of other people? Especially to those who were really close with the man. I mean, wtf.
It didn't help the awkward feeling, it just made it worse and today's the burial (interment, whatever), my dad dragged me with him but he knows I didn't wanna go because of all the shit-faced and fucktards I know I'd see, but he's the dad and I have no power D:
When we arrived there, the first feeling I got was TOTAL ESTRANGEMENT. LIKE LITERALLY. I know the place all too well, I see a lot of people that I know, but I was totally freaking LOST. I felt so uncomfortable to the point of crying. I got the feeling of needing to escape once again. My anxiety turned into anger. I felt that I went to a place where I don't belong and I hated myself for "butting" myself in.
I kinda think I felt that way because of what happened last night, that eating the food prepared by the family for the visitors and those two assholes treating me like a leech because of what I did.
I've never been anxious in crowds before, ever. It was the first time that it happened and it was worse than being drunk. I couldn't think well, all I did was find a corner to hide from other people, it was like a really bad dream, I avoided eyes and touch, I felt naked.




Please tell me I'm not alone in this kind of experience >A<

[Xun]

Of course, you're not alone-- I had to experience something like this also. As far as the two men, you should just forget about it and move on. It wasn't their business to butt into your life and say the things they've said. For all we know, they could've been told worse and felt much more offended than what you've been told.

In regards to that feeling of escaping-- in a sense, it's natural. I want to say, you already know what has happened and it's time to move on in life because I'm sure the pastor would want the same as well. Of course, there will be memories to be had, but just remember to move on. There's not much we can do now.

And just sayin'-- you could've asked your dad if you could stay in the car and just wait for him there. '^'

[Ishu]

Do you have a thyroid problem? Are you considered completely healthy by doctors? If you don't have a thyroid problem and your doctors don't know what is wrong with you- ask them to check your leptin. It's a metabolic protein hormone. If it is out of whack then you need to go on a leptin diet to reset it. ESPECIALLY if you don't have leptin at all.

My sister in law is very over weight but her cholesterol and heart functions are perfect- she just doesn't have any leptin so her body cannot digest food or fat properly. Even if you don't have any problems at all, a leptin diet is great for anyone who wants to lost weight. It is pretty expensive and the diet sounds ridiculous but it has helped a lot of people with weight issues.

[Misericorde]

Originally Posted by Ishu

Do you have a thyroid problem? Are you considered completely healthy by doctors? If you don't have a thyroid problem and your doctors don't know what is wrong with you- ask them to check your leptin. It's a metabolic protein hormone. If it is out of whack then you need to go on a leptin diet to reset it. ESPECIALLY if you don't have leptin at all.

My sister in law is very over weight but her cholesterol and heart functions are perfect- she just doesn't have any leptin so her body cannot digest food or fat properly. Even if you don't have any problems at all, a leptin diet is great for anyone who wants to lost weight. It is pretty expensive and the diet sounds ridiculous but it has helped a lot of people with weight issues.

Lauv isn't even overweight. She's "overweight" in Asian terms, according to what she's told me. :< Because Asians are usually pretty thin, and she's not a toothpick, they make fun of her. D:

[Memory]

It was a good decision for you not to stoop down to their level, so yes, simply ignore those fools. Like you said, you have a better life than them so it should be YOU who should be laughing. XD

I haven't experienced this before though, I'm slim (asian =~=) though I get teased a lot because of my shortness. ;>.> Anyway, I haven't personally experienced this situation towards me although my friends did.
I have been a cosplayer for a very long time now and I do have friends who are overweight and are cosplayers like me. There are times that people laugh at them due to their size but I'd simply tell them to shut up and say stuffs. I just hate those judgemental people.

As for your feeling of escaping, you said it yourself that you think it was because of what happened the other night with those two bastards.
Psychologically speaking, I think you got self-conscious. Not because of what they said but because they said it on that very occasion that you were vulnerable. I never read any part of you crying, just the fact that you wanted to cry, so I think it would be best if you would cry it all out before sleeping. Scream if you must, strangle your pillow if you must. Just let it all out, use up all your strength until you're tired. Then take a deep breath and smile.

This, however, is just me cents ;>.>

[Serra Britt]

Unfortunately thoughtless people exist everywhere :/ Even at a wake where such teasing and joking shouldn't happen, it can still happen. And you aren't alone, Keiko...I've had stuff like this happen too.

Memory may be right, if you cry and scream or something to let the frustration out, it might help. Possibly just writing it out as you did may have helped already. We're here for you. -hugs-

[Ishu]

Originally Posted by Misericorde

Lauv isn't even overweight. She's "overweight" in Asian terms, according to what she's told me. :< Because Asians are usually pretty thin, and she's not a toothpick, they make fun of her. D:

...that is stupid =_= My advise still applies though, lol.

[Espy]

.....The hell can a person not need to eat. Freaking...Think I'll refrain from my usual slew of insults. Lauv, you're not "overweight" and there's really no reason to think you're "big". Don't let it get it to you too much; people can be hella inconsiderate and don't give a shit about respecting people who should be respected...but you're right, they're not you and they'll never reach your level the way they're going right now.

Don't worry yourself too much about the behavior of others.

[Dorian Pavus]

And its at that point that I would turn around and as the two fine sirs if they would like to repeat what they just said a bit louder so that the grieving family members can hear their lovely complement to my plumpness. ; )

I've hardened myself of to that kind of stuff only because I had to for my own good. I've got desperation and have fallen into some really bad states in the past over small little things like that. I've stopped caring over most public things and let go of Wishy-washy "friends" and I've done so much better now. Becoming a Deadpan Snarker was the best change I've ever made.

[Lauv Keiko]

@Xun: >A< you're right, and I tried telling my dad that...and he told me, "You're 21, stop acting like a kid." So I had to "man up" and "interact"


@Ishu: I think it has something to do with my hormones, yes. I lose some then gain some...it's just a matter of time before my body decides when I should eat or stop eating.
But I'd like to take that advice. And, Misericorde is right, I'm not really that horrendously fat >A< I'm the asian fat


@memory: thank you for your cents >A< I suddenly don't feel so alone

@Serra: well, in this world, assholes ere born to create great people. If it weren't for assholes, there would be no succesful businessmen or actors or intellectuals.

@espy: Well, I'm not really worried about that...I mean, I get a lot of those kinds of jokes everyday but there are still days where I feel really ugly because of that. It can't be helped, I'm still human after all.


@Hiei: I actually do that, harden myself and trained myself to be snarky enough. It works everytime.

[Ashy]

*hugs my keiko*

i feel for you, im a big chick myself and everyone always makes scathing comments. just gotta remember that when winter hits(though probably not as much for you being near the equator and all) theyll be freezing to death in multiple coats and youll be standing there in shirt and shorts being all smug.

and yeah i hate going places if i dont know anyone cos i feel all awkward, it was like that for me when i first met my gf's friends.

[Lauv Keiko]

@ashy: OMG, that made me laugh so hard! XD Aww, thanks for the uplift, ashy. *hugs back*
But ashy, thing is...I knew A LOT of them...>A< I felt so estranged despite that.

[TurtleSensei]

Now, I'm a little chubby but I'm Native American/German/Jamaican (I kinda look Hispanic lol) so I never really get commented on on my weight. But I DO have HORRIBLE teeth. I mean I make a British bad teeth joke look bad. I have a sever Calcium Deficiency, am Lactose Intolerant AND I have Crohn's Disease.

The Calcium Deficiency makes my bones super weak and I've broken my right arm 4 times and my left 3. I've broke my toes and messed up my knees so bad that they pop out of place. None of this gets to me more than my teeth. I used to throw up a lot in High School before they diagnosed my Crohn's, certain foods would just make me vomit. I had Cranberry Juice at a friend's house once, and threw up on her couch! As you may know, Bile from your stomach can strip the Enamel from your teeth.

I work at a Petsmart in the Dog Grooming Salon, and I have to interact with people in order to check in their doggies for appointments. I'm a naturally happy person (despite years of abuse and neglect as a kid) so I can't help but to smile at people.

Some people will look at my teeth and cringe, others accuse me of being on drugs. The only thing I have ever taken is Doctor Prescribed medication and Marijuana (MEDICAL for the Crohn's Disease) so these are not things that effect my teeth. I am only 26 and eventually I'll have to get dentures. It sucks so much to know that.

I want to cry every time that someone looks at my teeth and cringes or asks about them, but I tell them honestly, I have a disease that makes me physically sick to my stomach, I have a problem digesting Calcium, AND I was so neglected as a child that I often didn't eat for days or go to the doctor unless someone else noticed I was sick or hurt and said something to my mom. I injured my knee and was limping around school and the house for 2 weeks before a teacher called home to ask my mom if I'd gone to the doctor yet, I got hit and yelled at and then taken to the doctor. After I explain this to people they usually accept my teeth issue but they still stare (they're only human after all).

Just hang in there! A LOT of Asian women are being delightfully plump nowadays. It's the introduction of Western foods and culture.

Besides, I have a bit of a thing for chubby Asian girls lol!

Sorry... Sen is a perv. My name IS after Master Roshi on DBZ after all. The Original Pervy Sage! hehe:D

[Quiet Man Cometh]

I've never really thought of Asians as typically being toothpicks. Smaller yes, but proportionally speaking not significanlty different from most other people, at least that's what I see of Asians who live over here in Vancouver, Canada. Of course, there's probably a difference depending on where from Asia someone comes from or has their heritage. I'm not good enough at identifying people to figure that out yet. The people I'd call toothpicks are usually other caucasian girls that are about my heigh but half my size, and I'm only now getting over being chronically underweight.

Anyways, as far as the funeral goes, I wouldn't put too much thought or worry into how you felt that day if it's bothering you. Grief is a funny thing, even if you don't feel you are grieving or didn't know the fellow all that well. People can react to a death in any number of ways, and will have their own means of dealing with it. It may be that you feel more conmfortable in a private setting on your own than among crowds of people.

My cousin died from Leukemia some time ago, and appart from a sort of dread feeling that I had, I sort of ignored it. The feeling lingered though, and it felt sort of odd, I can't really find adequate means of explaining it. Later on I felt bad, not because of her death but because I didn't seem to be reacting to it like people are supposed to, or so I though at the time.

I cried when I lost my dog but not when I lost my cousin. I lost two of my grandparents and didn't really feel it until I was alone for a moment in my bedroom and away from other people. I was very introverted by then, and it was part nature to me to not do anything like that in public, even if it only meant the household. I lost my current dog (very much a special friend of mine) almost a year ago and it was the first time I'd say I reacted in a predictable fashion, but only because I made a point of not trying to hide how sad I was feeling.

I can still think back to my cousin's death and not feel the same things as with my dog. I think in some ways I'm really not sure how I should feel about it, and it's not always easy to convince myself that "should" never comes into it.

[Dorian Pavus]

Yes, theres noting as satisfying as a well placed snark. ; )

[Lauv Keiko]

@turtlesensei: Aww, thanks... *hugs* It's not that it's an influence of western culture...I have Hispanic roots...so yeah ^^;;

@Quiet: Oh my...*hugs* sorry to hear that. D: some people just have a hard time understanding some situations...


@hiei: Oh yeah, *high fives* tell me about it. XD I enjoy being /sarcastic/ and the look on people's faces too XD