[Twigg]

Okay so here's the deal..

(backstory):

I've been dating my current boyfriend for about a year and a half now. But when we first met each other he had been broken up with his ex of 9 months for about a month, and then we stared dating a month later. We dated for a month, then he broke up with me because he "didn't want to feel tied down" which I understood, because he pretty much has had girlfriends constantly since he was 15.
Then we dated again a week later when he realized that he missed
me.
THEN we broke up AGAIN about a day after his ex started texting him, and then after he broke up with me, he dated her for about 3 weeks, and she cheated on him AGAIN, so once again he came crying back to me.
I took him back again after about a month of us just talking and realizing how we really felt and we've been great ever since but...

Lately I've noticed that I get SOOO paranoid about him cheating on me with her or leaving me again for her.. and it's evolved to me even being worried about his female friends (and he has a lot of female friends). Like.. I know he wouldn't ever cheat because every past girlfriend of his has cheated on him, and he knows how it feels, but.. I just can't get over that feeling, ever.

Maybe it's because I don't think I'm as pretty as they are. I don't know. But I do know that I need help trying to get over this.

It's gotten to the point that whenever he doesn't respond to my texts within an hour or something like that, my mind goes right to him talking to a girl or spending time with them and I hate myself for thinking that way.
:/

I really... I'm at a loss. Help please..

Suggestions?

EDIT: I'm not totes crazy though. Like, I give him his space and I don't let him know that I'm crazy jealous. I'm not like that creepy stalker girlfriend that freaks out about everything.

Like, I KNOW we have a good relationship, and even though I know that I still worry uncontrollably. That's my issue.

[Batty]

Oh, baby girl...

I know how you feel. The only thing you can really do is talk to him. Let him in, and tell him how you're feeling, and WHY you're feeling that way. I've dealt with the same thing, and its NOT easy. Puts a huge strain on the relationship, and just all around makes everything icky. The paranoia will only get worse, unless you talk to him. <3

[Twigg]

I mean we've kind of talked about it before, and I've told him how jealous I get of that one specific girl, but I can never bring myself to mention everything else because I'm scared of pushing him away. I have this uncontrollable need to please people, especially him. :/

[Batty]

Again, KNOW THE FEELING. XDDD;

Sometimes, I would keep my lips zipped so tight, I'd explode. End up exploding on HIM, and thats what pushed him away. It got to be too much, and even though I trusted HIM completely, I didn't trust THEM at all.

[Twigg]

See I used to be like that but he told me once that if I ever get upset that I need to tell him so it can be fixed, and I've gotten into the habit of doing that, but when I told him about the jealousy the first time it made him sooo sad, because it made him feel like I didn't trust him, and I hated that I made him so sad, because that's not the case.. :/

[Batty]

Hmm..

Maybe start out with telling him it has nothing to do with him? That its your own insecurities that are making you feel the way that you do? Its a really touchy subject, and I don't think theres ANY good way of approaching it, except to be frank and direct, and not to sugar coat anything. I've learned that from experience. xD; Honesty is the BEST policy when it comes to situations like these. You'll just have to tread lightly, but not so lightly, that you're only just skirting around it. If that makes any sense at all?

[Twigg]

No you make total sense. It's just the whole "how do i approach it" thing that I need to figure out. :/

[Serra Britt]

I can't really say I understand what you're going through, but I'm a people pleaser type of person also. Approaching this thing is never easy because it's hard to talk about, and I'd say if I was in your situation I'd be afraid that even bringing it up might hurt him. That's just it though. One can never be sure how it will affect someone else. I agree with Batty, if you can present it as your anxiety and not because of anything he's done, that might be the best way to tell him. Either that or talk with someone else who's outside the situation and can remind you of the truths of the relationship. Either way...I hope it turns out well for you Twigg.

[Twigg]

I considered talking to somebody that knows the both of us, but the problem is we live about 45 minutes away from each other, so my friends don't know him and his friends barely know me. So it would be hard to be able to talk to them without it being super awkward. But I'll try to talk to him about it.

The biggest thing I need help with is how to help myself internally. Like I don't know what to do to change how I think about all of this. :/

[Serra Britt]

My therapist gave me a list of what he calls "thinking distortions". What yours seems to fall under is "Disqualifying the Positive" and "Catastrophizing".

Basically, it appears that even though you have a good relationship and plenty of experiences to back that up, you still think about something else that might happen and then think of the worst possible outcome.

As for how to overcome it, maybe something to remind you of the truths of the relationship? That's something I do when I start thinking negative thoughts, is to back up a bit and remind myself of what the truth is.

Hope my advice helps a little.

[Twigg]

That actually helps a lot. I'll try to keep that in mind next time anything like this happens. Thank you Serra.

[Serra Britt]

My therapist has helped me a lot so I'm glad I could send some of that helpful advice your way :3 Again, I hope it turns out well for you Twigg.

[Ginger]

I just typed so much advice and my mouse flipped out on me and closed the window, or something. But yeah, I'm just going to throw something out there.

I had the same exact problem with my boyfriend about the same time you are in your relationship. Try asking him to limit his interactions with her to a social networking site. He needs to respect your feelings and if this is hurting you so badly internally, there needs to be some boundaries set. I do not think it is appropriate for him to be texting her, but maybe that's just me. My boyfriend and I have agreed that the only way we keep in contact with our ex's is by Facebook. We don't really go out of our way to strike up conversation with them, but we'll talk to them if they message us. This has worked out really great for us and I don't feel scared of him leaving me for her anymore, and I am sure he feels like I'm going to stay with him as well.

I hope your talk with him goes over alright. Remember to start off with how you're feeling about the situation and then ask if he would be comfortable with not texting her anymore, but to keep conversations through Facebook or another social networking site. You have every right to be afraid since this has happened to you before, so you do have a valid reason not to trust him or her when it comes to their friendship.