[Serah]

Hello, I can't get enough of this forum. Probably because I have issues and I get upset and you guys offer real advice. If I wasn't here, I'd be on Gaia but I rather not be. Anyways, as stated in the title this thread is going to be MATURE. I will be getting into a Mature topic, so please if you are not mature enough to handle it, don't read. Otherwise, you are welcome to stay and give input. Just to make sure, I'll put spoiler tags on the mature stuff.

Let me start of things by stating that my boyfriend of a while recently broke up with me and I was really upset by that. I was in love with him and he felt the same, or at least he did. He ended up moving away shortly after the break up which made things harder on me. After not talking for a few days he sends me an email telling me why he broke up with me. Considering he gave me reasons but didn't really explain.

One of his issues being that he was moving away because he felt the need to get away from his family. This I can completely understand. His brother was emotionally abusive to him. And I found out some really unpleasant things about his mother. The only member of his family that seems sad to see him go is his dad. His father actually cried. He used this as a reason because we'd be open to log distance but I would feel isolated not being able to talk to him as much or see him. So... yeah.

His next reason is a very touchy subject. It has always been a touchy subject for us. This subject is sex. Spoiler tag engaged!

Okay, so we had dated for a long time and we didn't have sex. Yes, I know, I'm a terrible person. I know sex is important in a relationship. I'm not going to bother explaining myself so, I'm wrong. Whoopie. I don't care. Getting on more with the point. He was upset that in the time we were together, we didn't have sex. I explained to him that the more I thought about it. It wasn't that I wasn't ready but more so that he wasn't ready. What I mean by this is that I don't feel he's mature enough for sex. He put so much pressure on it that I was completely turned off. I didn't bring this up and I probably should have, either way I ended up telling him this after I broke up and he was upset. I knew he would be upset and I did feel bad, either way. We cleared up everything about sex. But I can't shake a few things. He asked for me back and I said yes for the most part. My problem with all this though, I'm afraid he's tempted to cheat on me because we have to wait longer to have sex. Am I wrong to think this?

I'm not really going to get into his third reason of breaking up with me because we did come to some sort of agreement. Granted, I was hurt because he lead me on, but I rather not get into that. Anyways, what I will get into that does bother me is I've never really had a friendship with any of his friends. I tried to treat his friends with respect and be kind to them no matter what. His friends constantly would belittle our relationship and even belittle me. I wanted to be the better person but after being harassed and humiliated by them I gave up. I don't want it to be this way though. I want to be on at least stable ground with his friends. I thought about writing out a letter to his friend. Just a really simple one stating something like: I'm sorry for everything that has happened between us. If I got back together with your friend I don't want it to be uneven or awkward. Is this even a relatively good idea? Or would I just be wasting not only his time but mine as well?

Um, I'm getting back into the sex topic again so spoiler tags ENGAGED.

There is one more thing that's unrelated to what I've said but it is about sex. I have never liked giving blow jobs. I tried to and almost threw up. I'm not really into trying it again, I'm just too afraid. The guy who recently broke up with me knew this and was open with it. Another thing that made me feel bad is that he went down on me but I wouldn't blow him. YES, I'M A TERRIBLE PERSON, THAT'S NOT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT THOUGH. I felt really bad about it because I was too uncomfortable. But I was wondering if this is even a good idea. Do you think he would appreciate it if I at least just tried... playing with his genital area with my tongue? Not putting it in my mouth but at least licking it? Do you think that would be a decent idea or I should just avoid it? Because what if he felt I was leading him on because I didn't really blow him? I'm not sure... Opinions and thoughts?

So... help? ^^;

TLDR; Guess you can't help me then. Thanks anyways? >8

[Espy]

o.O;; First of all, you aren't a terrible person for refusing to do what you're not comfortable with doing. If you're gonna puke, then don't risk it. I mean, it's good that he knows and understands, but since you've made it clear that you're not too willing to do that, you don't need to force yourself.

...Well, if you seriously think he'd cared about your playing with it rather than keeping your mouth a nice distance away, go for it. If I were him, I wouldn't think you were leading me on...since you'd already said you can't give a blowjob. ...That's a really awkward scenario. MOVING ON.

Um...okay. If he's tempted to cheat on you because he wants to have sex...to me, that just shows he's really not mature enough. And if you feel that way, too, I don't think you're wrong. He needs to understand that if you're reluctant to do it with him, then it's really not worth it.

On that friend deal. In my opinion, if his friends truly cared about him (and I'm not even talking about their attitude towards you yet), they would not ridicule his relationship with you. They'd also probably try to, at least to some degree, let you into their group, and care about you enough that it doesn't bounce back and hurt your boyfriend in turn. But think about it: Your deal is with him, not his friends. Why do you need to be sorry for your relationship? It's not as if it hurt any of them. I'm assuming you've tried telling him already; you should probably keep reminding him about maybe needing to talk to his friends and settle things. Also, try to not listen to them if you can.

....Right, think I'm done for now.

[Rosekitten]

How are you terrible? o.o

For starters if you felt like you were not ready then he should respect that if he really cares. Maybe I'm old fashioned or something but men are such pigs now a days or at least a number of them I have dealt with in the past -.- Sorry i don't mean to insult all of you nice guys out there but really... there is more to a relationship then sex. Personally I enjoy a good cuddle time or sexy time, you don't have to go all the way and still not enjoy the others company D;

Even if you were in love with him it sounds like you deserve someone better anyway. If he was so upset because of no sex then he can get someone else who is willing or happy to give him just that. ~nods~

Also on the blow jobs note... its up to you, same as the sex deal really. If you feel like you are not ready or do not enjoy it to some extent, or even feel uncomfortable about it or anything with your mouth in that area I would not fret about it. Personally I dislike giving them myself, my jaw feels like it wants to lock up whenever i have tried in the past ^^;

Granted im sure that he wouldn't have minded a bit of attention, even if you didn't give a blow job, guys seems to feel special or loved (whatever word you want to insert here) if you do something your not keen on doing or at least try to do it for them. Maybe im shallow on this thought though... I normally try to do other things to spoil or show kano that he's special to me other then blow jobs or using my mouth down there ^^;

maybe i should shut up now xD

[Pinkie]

Oh my oh my it sounds like you went through the same type of thing I did...almost...

Okay so me and the bf have now been together for three years and everythings great. Well at the start of everything it wasnt so great. You see he was ready for sex. He asked me many times within the first month of us dating to have sex and I told him no. Little did he know that I said no for personal reasons. Either way he didnt like that. We dated for a little while longer and he asked again and I said no one more time. We have been dating for 3 months at this point. So within the week of me saying no he left me. We were seporated for about a month until he came back to me and wanted me back. I am a strong believer in second chances so I said yes.

After we got back together he told me that he would wait as long as he needed to wait because he loved me. We didnt have sex or rather I didnt give in until about the 14 month mark in our relationship. So a year and two months into it. It was special.

Also as far as the blow jobs go...I still hate them. The first time the bf asked for one I agreed and tried. I was like 5 seconds from puking all over him the first time if I didnt stop so your not the only one that cant handle it. For me though its not so much as the fact of giving one its the fact of how the cum taste's really. So I did research and found that certain foods could cause the cum to taste different ways...

Any fruit will make it sweet, anything spicey will make it bitter, and anything salty will make it thicker (weird I know) so we stick to certain foods and it dose help. But another thing that I find usefull is flavored lube...it really dose help out alot lol.

But my dear you are in no way a horrible person for anything that you choose. For me it took the longest time to even contiplate having sex...took over a year with the same guy to decide that I was ready...

Do what makes you happy and if anything is going to make you feel out of place then you shouldnt do it because its not what you want. Trust me when I say its better to wait and do it when your ready then push yourself and be unhappy...

[Serra Britt]

My advice might echo what everyone else is saying.

You are in no way terrible for not wanting sex or waiting for sex. True there are a lot of benefits to sex in a relationship, but I firmly believe it is still just one part of the relationship, and should not be a gauge of how healthy a relationship is. I think it's important for a couple to talk about it, especially if one is ready and the other is not. If you both enjoy each other's company, waiting for sex shouldn't be an issue partly because there are other things that can be done together that are probably just as nice. In my opinion anyways XD

As for the blow jobs, this is a matter of personal preference I think. I've never been with a guy so I can't comment on that specific experience, but talking about it is important. I for one think lubed up fingers are better than a tongue but...everyone is different. Maybe there's another way you can enjoy it or maybe there isn't. Anyways I don't know much about it so I'll just stop here :3

[Serah]

Thanks for all the responses everyone.

I stated that I'm horrible because I'm tired of hearing that from people. I tried talking to a friend about this matter and she pretty much told me, that it wasn't fair to just sit there and deny him even if he begs. But it seemed like to me that she is easy to give into pressures because she doesn't want to seem selfish.

I just don't want to feel like a bad girlfriend or something because I'm not even willing to try. I had tried before with someone else and I couldn't do it. Plus I apparently just have a really bad gag reflex. When I go to sleep I need a cup of water next to my bed so I can clear my mouth or I could choke. My body is just odd like that.

I have spoken to him about his friends and said if they were his friends they'd try to accept me but they never have. The first time I met them we had dinner then they were like, "Well, we have a raid." and literally just left us at the table to play World of Warcraft. Maybe it's just me but I thought that was really rude. If you know you have a raid planned or whatever, don't invite people over just to ditch on them. Even if it's me, I feel someone needs to take the step and say something. If they don't accept me I would hope he would understand it's not me, it's them.

Thank you for all that input, Rose. It's not that I completely ignore his 'manhood'. I've giving him hand jobs and stuff. I just wasn't sure about everything. Like I said on the blow job matter up above, I'm very uncomfortable and anxious about it. I'm afraid of the same thing happening. Plus with my throat/mouth being all weird. I don't think anyone wants vomit on their junk...

Oh yeah, I have heard that Pink. That different foods effect it. And also yeah, I think he has learned that it's better to wait. We haven't been dating too long, two years I think. I have a pretty bad memory in that category sadly. But I am afraid of him finding an easy woman. I certainly wouldn't take him back without an STD test, that's for sure.

Yes, we have done cute stuff before too, like going out to dinner or cuddling on the couch watching a movie. I just know that sex is a part in the relationship. It ties in with our emotions as well. But yes, sex is not everything in a relationship and should never be treated as such. That's always a thought too. Hmm.

I do appreciate everyone for giving an input of some kind. It makes me feel better.

[Twigg]

If you're still looking for input, then I have a couple things to say.
First, everyone before me hit the nail on the head with the whole friend issue. But if it really bothers you this much then this is something you and him need to discuss and then he needs to take the initiative to talk to his friends about it, and he will if he really cares.

Second, in my personal opinion, if you actually think he might cheat on you because of the lack of sex, then it seems to me that you need to find someone worth your time. It might not be something you want to hear, because I know you love this person and you just want to make him happy. But I think maybe if you sat down and talked to him about how you would rather wait until you know that you're ready, and you would appreciate it if he would just back off a little bit about the begging.
[rant]My boyfriend used to be the exact same way. He still is now. We have sex at least 2 to 3 times (maybe more) a week and he still constantly asks for it. It can be infuriating. I really hate how men now a days think that you NEED to have sex all the time in order to have a good relationship. ljsdflaf. [/rant]

As for the oral sex bit, of course he would love it. He would love even the idea of you wanting to go down there. Take baby steps. Start out with just a little bit of fondling/licking. I full on refused to give my boyfriend of 2 years oral until 6 months into our relationship because I found the idea of it repulsive. But I knew it would make him happy, so I took very small steps to ease into it. Then once you get more comfortable and maybe try practicing, you can take that bigger step.

I really hope none of that came off as rude. :/ Good luck to you though!

[Vinyl]

Hey there. :) I'm not sure if you're still looking for advice or not, but I thought that I would throw my two cents in anyway.

First of all, I'm really sorry that you and your boyfriend split up. Breaking up with someone (especially if you're not the one to do it) is never nice. Long distance relationships are incredibly tough and they're definitely not for everyone (I know that I wouldn't be able to be in a LDR) so I would think really carefully about whether you would be able to cope with it before getting involved again. It just saves all the heartache for both parties in the long run.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with not having sex right away and you should definitely not do anything that you're not completely comfortable with. If you're not ready for sex, don't have any. If he can't understand this and respect your wishes, he really isn't worth your time. As important a factor as some people consider sex to be, it should definitely not be a defining factor in a relationship.

If you think that he may cheat on you because you're not willing to have sex, I really don't think you should go back out with him. This is purely personal opinion though. Trust is an important factor in a relationship and if you don't trust someone fully, you probably shouldn't be with them. I know that trust is difficult for a lot of people (myself included) but you definitely need to think hard about that. Perhaps look to where this though stems from, if he has a history of cheating, etc.

Moving onto the oral sex factor, I'm sure he would be delighted that you were willing to try that considering that he knows you struggle with it. It does sound like you have quite a strong gag reflex. I would suggest taking baby steps with this, licking and things first, then perhaps just putting the tip in and moving on from there. It will take time and of course, unless you're comfortable with it you don't need to continue. However, handy tip, if you want to overcome your gag reflex ball your left hand into a fist and squeeze your thumb. It will make things a little easier. :) There are actually quite a few articles on oral sex that I've found on a women's advice blog on Tumblr, I'd be happy to share them with you if you were interested. ^^

Finally, I'm sorry to hear that you and his friends don't get on too well. However I don't really think that your significant other's friends and you have to get on that great. As long as you can act civil to each other, there's no real problem. I personally wouldn't write a letter, but if you feel that it might help (as you know the personalities of his friends better than I do and can probably gauge how they would react) then go for it. :)

I'm sorry if anything came across as rude, but I really hope I was some help. :)

[Hermes]

So like

I love Espy and Rose

two of my favorite bit-er I mean females.

And they just summed it up pretty good.

tl;dr keep in YOUR comfort zone, and any guy who pushes it that hard or cheats on you for not giving it to him, is not, and never will be, worth your time. Keep your chin up, love.

[Gaius]

I hate hate haaaate it when people dump their partner just because he or she won't put out. That's just such a superficial reason to break up. It's pretty much admitting that you only ever wanted the person for their body. People like are totally not worth the trouble. Don't feel like you're a bad person for wanting to wait. You're not a bad person. A bad person is someone who would leave you because of it.