[Ginger]

I'm happy for my friends. I really am. But it's very difficult to hang out with any of them anymore. I'm the only one without a child because it's not the kind of lifestyle I want right now, and it just feels awkward being surrounded by my friends and their kids. Their houses are always a mess and they're stressed out. They literally have nothing else to talk about other than all things having to do with their kids and snapping photos to post on Facebook, and I'm just kinda there. I have nothing to contribute to their conversation because I have no kids of my own. I'm starting to think I need new friends to hang out with; ones that don't have kids.

Has anyone else had this kind of experience? Do you ever feel singled out in your group of friends? I'd like to hear your experiences and any advice you may have. I feel guilty about feeling this way but I had to get it off of my chest. Thanks for reading.

[Salone]

Aye, I've been there. Just not in the extreme degree as you, but I have.

Unfortunately for you, you are incredibly right. Parenting is a full time gig, and the last time your friends were able to do anything fun without their kids along was probably a very long time ago. The reason they obsess over their kids and nothing else is because all their time is going to children. It is quite literally all they have to talk about. Everything else in their life has been pushed to the side.

This was especially disconcerting for me because, well...I hate kids. So very much. Retail does that to you. So when someone has a baby, I'm out. Having one causes you to completely obsess over it and constantly tell anyone who will listen about every little movement or gigglesnort that it makes. I don't care about the little flesh croissants, so I do my best to stay the way from any of them or any one who has them. Granted, this does not do well for your circle of friends as you get older.

Sad to say it, but new friends might be the order of the day. Don't strike out your current ones from your roster, but consider putting them on the back burner. People with kids will eventually gravitate towards other people with kids. People without kids simply don't understand the whole 'kid' thing, so we tend to shy away or simply not want to hear anything about them.

It's tough. It really, really is tough. Heartbreaking experience as you watch friends slowly fade away because their spawnmongrel devours all of their time like a Graboid.

I wouldn't feel entirely guilty, Ginger. Or at least, don't feel guilty alone. There are tons of others out there who are in the same position. Friends are friends because they share common ground. Friendship fades when the common ground fades. The erosion that comes with childbirth has caused that. It sucks, but...what can you do?

Good luck with it. It is a trying experience.

[Poggio]

I understand your feels. My family on my mother’s side has fallen into getting married and having children. It gets really hard to talk and do things around the holidays since I do not like hanging around children and I dislike them. I can’t really say any advice for the moment since it was hard for me to adjust to my friends getting mature versus being the joking, video game mongers they were. We tended to drift apart from that point on. The ones that I can still relate to, I hang out with.

Perhaps invite them out for a girls night where they can’t bring the children and just have dinner or something?

[Ginger]

Salone - Thank you for your input. I feel guilty because most of the people I know love kids, and when they show a picture of a baby I think it's cute, but I don't blush in amour over it like do. I like children, but I don't like being around them a lot. They're loud, messy, and they don't listen. Congratulations to people with children but it is just not the lifestyle for me. I've been gradually hanging out with them less, but they're the wives and girlfriend's of my boyfriend's guy friends and it's hard to hang out with them without chaos coming from their kids. It's a headache just thinking about walking into their homes. My anxiety kicks up with the filth and noise I'm surrounded by and it's overwhelming to me. I probably am better off keeping those friendships on Facebook and looking for new friends who I can actually be around without nearly having an anxiety attack from too much stimulus going on at once. I like structure in a relaxed environment.

Poggio - Yes family having children is tough, too. I'm sorry you've drifted from yours. I feel like I've grown away from mine also because we've all grown up and they chose married with children lifestyles (however if it were really like the tv show I wouldn't be so bothered by it, lol). A girl's night is out of the question because one of the friends I have has 4 children, and anytime my friends are without their children they talk about how much they miss their children and can't wait to be at home with them again.

I dunno. I'm just bothered by the fact that my circle of friends don't view me as 'one of them' because I don't have kids. I value my freedom, independence, peacefulness, adequate sleep, a clean house, and alone time, all of which they don't have. I love getting in my car and just running a quick errand, coming straight home, not worrying about a carseat, or hauling the baby around in it everywhere I go. Or the constant nagging of young children for toys and candy, and having to deal with tantrums in the middle of the store. There's so much that people give up for their children. I guess I'm a selfish person.

[Salone]

I wouldn't say that you're selfish. If you don't want kids, you don't want kids. On average, a child costs a quarter of a million dollars over the course of their lifetime. There are also several billion people on this planet, and it is straining to support them all.

If having a kid is a prerequisite to being a friend with someone, then...bah on them. There are people out there not intent on spreading their brood that are also decent people.

[Quiet Man Cometh]

I'm not big on kids either, but I guess I've been lucky in that my close friends don't have any kids either, but my relatives do so the kids that I hang out with, I'm related to, and that might make some difference. You do get used to being around them (I sort of had to because the kids seemed to like to hang around me) but it can be trying. I doubt I'm ever going to have kids.

You are right though. One of my sisters made the comment that when you have kids, you tend to associate more with those friends who also have kids. Like Salone said, I wouldn't cut ties with them but it wouldn't hurt to look for company more along the lines of your lifestyle.

[Ginger]

Thanks Salone :) Talking about it has actually helped. Someday, I would love to ADOPT a child, but that won't be for years from now. Why pop out babies when there are already plenty who need loving families?

Quiet - Thanks for your input! :) My family members' kids love me, too, but at the same time it gets to be too much lol.

[Quiet Man Cometh]

I find myself picking up little activity books and things, saying to myself "(kid) would like this!". Anything to distract the kid for some time is usually worth a few dollars.

[Ginger]

I'd do that too when I lived with family and I still think about getting them things, but I've been broke since December. I didn't even have enough money to get anyone but my mom something for Christmas.

[E'zelia Starsong]

That's honestly how I feel about my bestie and her four kids. Granted they're great kids, but I see her stressed out all the time and worrying about financial issues. She's also got a wonderful husband, but every time I'm over, it's all about the kids wanting attention or getting fussy or cranky. Then she brings up the question on when I'm going to have kids. I don't even plan on it. We're the same age, and it just makes me feel out of place, especially when her friends come over with their kids. Makes me feel left out or clueless. It sucks, but I am happy for her. I love her kids. I'm practically their aunt and that's good enough for me. Play with them, wear them out and go home to a quiet home.

[Ginger]

Exactly!

I forgot to mention that they question when I'm going to have children, also. I'm too young to be a parent right now, and I'm planning for none. Someday if I want a child, I will choose to adopt one over creating one. Are you still in touch with your friend?

[E'zelia Starsong]

Yes, we stay in touch quite often, even though we're 2 states apart lol. I believe in adopting anyways. It's better, really, because I'm just amazed at how people can pop out 8 kids at a time and not bat an eye! I see how much baby formula and diapers cost nowadays @w@ It's too much! I also don't believe in welfare babies unless it is a must and the parents have kids to love them. My friend has fibromyalgia and it's hard for her to keep working on a consistent schedule, plus her husband is busting his butt to keep the finances in order, but the kids are well taken care of and are on a government-paid medical insurance. Just their parents aren't, which sucks because my friend is waist deep in medical bills.

[Quiet Man Cometh]

I think the question of kids simply comes with the territory of being biologically female. (I say biologically because it wouldn't surprise me to find that F to M transgendered individuals get the "what if you want to have kids?" thing, of course I'm not all that familiar with the process so this is just my guess.)

For my part, I usually just have an explanation ready, and I can talk about philosophical reason, but by now I've really just decided that it's a personally decision on my part, it may be selfish but tough luck. After all the health garbage I've been through, I am in no way keen to do anything else with my body. I could see myself adopting though. Maybe I could have a kid at some point, but it would need a damn devoted father, since I'm really not all that interested in them.

For my part, I've found the best thing is to learn to tolerate the presence of the little beings, so that you can still see your friends and maybe give your friends someone to rant to if the kids are being a pain, even if it's not always your cup of tea. Many of my friends and relatives have young children, so I've taken to having my birthday event-thing at a child friendly time, so that at least the kids can amuse each other while the rest of us be social.