[McSwiggins]

I havent taken my pills for my various mental illnesses, including extreme anger, in 3 days because I'm out and cant afford a refil until next week.
Every. Little. Thing. Is. Making. Me. Angry.
I am going to explode at some point today and I just hope I dont get fired.

[Tohopekaliga]

Whenever you are feeling extra upset with someone, just imagine them being the guy in this video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6A9M226_28Y

And then let that thought be your action against them.



(NOTE: I am not a medical professional, and mostly I just think the video will give a little laugh)

[McSwiggins]

Lol he deserves it. Bull riding is mean.

[Coda]

Breathe, my friend. Breathe. Long, deep, slow breaths. I, too, have an anger management problem. Count from one to five as you draw in air through your nose, hold it in as you count again from one to seven, then slowly release it through your mouth as you count again from one to eight.

It can take several minutes of this to be fully effective, but it's very effective at reducing the stress levels that you perceive as irritability and anger. Ideally you practice this technique often enough that you can remember to employ it when you feel the stress levels start to spike -- nip it in the bud before that reaction becomes anger.

[Espy]

Also, to add onto what Coda said, do grounding exercises. I don't know which ones work for you, but my roommate has a tendency to...forget...her meds, and I've noticed that her irrationality spikes through the roof to the extent of dissociation (which, ironically, makes her look at everything from an extremely "logical" POV).

[Coda]

Originally Posted by Espy

Also, to add onto what Coda said, do grounding exercises. I don't know which ones work for you, but my roommate has a tendency to...forget...her meds, and I've noticed that her irrationality spikes through the roof to the extent of dissociation (which, ironically, makes her look at everything from an extremely "logical" POV).

That's not ironic at all. That's rather fundamental to dissociation. The mind gets compartmentalized, putting different parts of the self in different boxes and blocking off the painful parts from the conscious ego, leaving a raw but functioning self to figure out how to deal with things.

Of course, with parts of one's experiences and thought processes walled off, that reasoning is operating on incomplete information, so the conclusions can't necessarily be relied upon.

EDIT: (Speaking from... lots of personal experience... but also a lot of reading.)

[Espy]

Originally Posted by Coda

Of course, with parts of one's experiences and thought processes walled off, that reasoning is operating on incomplete information, so the conclusions can't necessarily be relied upon.

Yeah, we tried logicking our way into her thought process to convince her that the conclusions she was drawing at the time weren't exactly the /right/ ones, and, um. Well. That...didn't work.

[Coda]

Originally Posted by Espy

Yeah, we tried logicking our way into her thought process to convince her that the conclusions she was drawing at the time weren't exactly the /right/ ones, and, um. Well. That...didn't work.

It doesn't tend to work. That part of reality is explicitly cut off from conscious thought, and attempts to breach that containment are met with subconscious resistance.

Some people who are intellectually-minded when at peace can potentially be reasoned with, but the hazard there is that those are also the people that are more likely to be good at on-the-fly rationalization and analysis. I'm one of those people, and when I get into that state I get dangerous -- my usual boundaries of sportsmanship aren't in play and I can and will find weaknesses in the people trying to argue with me for the purposes of inflicting as much emotional pain as possible. It's really scary because after it's over and I calm down and stop disassociating I can't remember how I felt in the moment and all I'm left with is knowing how much damage I did without really understanding why I did it.

[McSwiggins]

I try the counting thing but honestly, I get so angry I cant breathe right, so I cant really count at the time. I know it sounds like I'm making a stupid excuse but I've been told to do this a million times in therapy and never have I been able to do it. I know I should try to do it before I get so bad but sometimes it takes a split second for me to go from normal to that angry. And its often over trivial things to. Yesterday I was this angry because I dropped something...

[Coda]

Take an anger management course. What you describe sounds exactly like the same excuses I gave before I took one. You probably DON'T flip a switch as much as you think you do -- you just don't notice the buildup until the dam breaks. An anger management course (or at least, a good one) will teach you how to recognize the physiological signs of the buildup. It'll be more effective than just individual therapy with a general therapist.

For starters, your baseline cortisol levels are probably too high. You should be doing those breathing exercises for a total of half an hour a day ANYWAY even if you're not feeling angry or stressed out. Combining it with meditation is best, but even if you just have to do the breathing exercises while you're driving the car or something it's worth it. Fixing your cortisol levels will bring down your stress floor, so there's a larger range between "normal" and "angry."

I would also imagine you're not getting enough sleep. You should fix that. At least until your baseline stress levels go down, you need to make sleep a priority instead of sacrificing it for the sake of getting other things done.

Has your psychiatrist said anything about codependency? I don't know you well enough to know if it applies, but with that many children it's a possibility.

[McSwiggins]

You're probably partly right. Other times I really do.
I do need an anger management course but cant afford one and I dont have the time for it either. Even when I am on here seemingly doing nothijg, I'm still very busy. I'm never not busy.

I guess I could start that.

Codependency is a very big factor for me. I've struggled with addiction issues since I was 10. I was on heroin and came clean. I smoked cigarettes and quit that. Now I am a recovering alcoholic. Its been almost 2 months since I've been sober.

[Coda]

Your excuses sound just like mine. Too busy, too much to do, can't afford it. Just feels like more stress instead of something that'll help with stress.

Codependency isn't the same thing as dependency. Codependency is a psychological addiction to having people depend on you. If you're the kind of person who can't say "no" when someone needs help, if you're hard on yourself for missing an opportunity to support someone you care about, if you'll sacrifice more and more of your own life and time and health for the sake of helping others... you might be codependent. The hardest part of being codependent is that it feels noble. It feels sleazy to want to change it. It feels offensively selfish to put priority on yourself instead of others.

I broke down crying when it clicked in my head that my resistance to solving the problem was itself a symptom of the problem.

[McSwiggins]

Lol whoops. Read that as dependency, not codependency.
Well, yes and no. If someone needs help because of their own stupidity (ie doing something obviously stupid then getting in a pickle) I refuse to help, especially if I had warned tnem before. I'm more or less like, "Well, thats your problem, not mine. Next time you wont do that will you?" If someone needs my help and its something else, I help.

Well, about being busy, I'm raising 10 kids, doing work, going to addiction therapy, going to regular therapy, doing physical therapy, taking my son to therapy, taking my kids to various appointments, taking Janna to prenatal appointments, helping the 90 year old lady across the street with stuff like grocery shopping, doing ADLs, doing work at home and at work etc. I stay up late doing work because thats the only time I get to do it. I dont exactly have much wiggle room with time. But, I just looked on the website for my clinic and they have anger management on Saturdays at 11 am. I can do that but now I have to figure out how the hell I'm going to pay. As is I cant afford my meds and my bank account is negative almost $100.

[Coda]

Ow. I feel you on the financials. I was in a pretty bad position a few years back, my employer moved me to California on short notice and then didn't give me a big enough raise to cover cost of living or a big enough stipend to cover the cost of the move, so I had to cover the difference out of my own pocket. I'm STILL paying off that debt.

[McSwiggins]

Jeez. Sorry they put you in that position. Are you living fairly comfortably now though?
I'm burried in hospital bills and bank loans. Last summer I was diagnosed with lung cancer for the second time. I went through chemo for months only to realize that it wasnt doing a single thing for me outside of making me feel ill and miserable. My right lung was completely covered in tumors. They had to remove it. The doctor said if he didnt, I would only have lived another month or two. Then I ended up getting a condition where all my innards moved into the cavity where my lung once was. I had to have surgery to put them all back in their place and have a silicone implant put in the cavity to keep it from happening again. Then we realized my lung cancer spread to my prostate and I had that removed in the beginning of the year. So, now I am burried in hospital bills.
Because of all this, I missed so much time at work that I didnt get paid much. Now I am struggling to make ends meet, which scares me because my fiancée's pregnant and due in June. I have no idea what I am gonna do then with the added expense of diapers and formula (if Janna ends up not breastfeeding). Of course she will help but she'll be on maternity leave and its not a paid leave.

[Coda]

Yeah, we're in a better place now. I've got a better job with a better salary and we're moving to somewhere with a cheaper cost of living.

You've got my best wishes. Hope things work out for you.