[Poggio]

well in that case, I would try to slip more foods with Vit D in your diet. Perhaps talk to your doctors about it, but vit D as far as I know is linked to a lot of hormone production. Maybe eating more of it will lift your mood more often.

[Illusion]

I'm just trying to get through school and my parents keep forcing me to making these adult decisions...

On the other hand I have a better credit score then my mother.... LOL

But then again, my car belt just popped off and I don't have the money to fix it because I just started working again and now I can't make it to work in order to make money to fix my car.

[Pinkie]

Well then maybe I will talk to my doctor and dietitian about it. See if it helps. At this point I am really willing to try anything.

Today was an okay day but sitting alone gets thoughts moving =sighs=

[Fulkth]

I am currently looking for a job at the moment.
I am obviously doing something wrong because I spent like 8 hours working on an application yesterday.

[Coda]

Spending that long on the FIRST one isn't necessarily a sign of trouble. It just means you needed to gather a lot of information that you haven't had need of in a while.

Subsequent applications should be faster.

[Pinkie]

So...today is another very bad day. Had to be at work for 6am and have been up since 2 am because of my sisters stupid roommate! Then I go to go take my cloths out of the dryer and they are sitting on top of his dripping wet so I had no choice but to wear wet clothes to work today....

So just to say he's packing his shit this morning.

Out of all the emotions to feel from this I feel...like nothing but anger...

=sighs= why do people despise me so much? Lol

[Poggio]

I have no idea. I want to say stop worrying about the small things, but to you they may not be small.

I myself feel another round of down in the dumps starting to happen. I have already gone through the seven stages of grief for this certain situation and it is something I can't control. When I start down the spiraling path of rants and being resentful, and vindictive If I can I stop and ask myself

What is really wrong that is making me so angry and resentful?

Usually my personal answer is finances, I have never had enough money to do what I want, never will and even when I budget my kindness or something always takes my money away from me. In this particular instance, I have helped said friend financially a lot, I am ready to move on and do my goals. I know she can't support me when she can't even pay rent. All the little things add up, but until I make the proper choices to cut her off, its my own responsibility and my feelings are a channel for something I can't express to her directly, or rather tactfully enough so it doesn't hurt her feelings.


Maybe you should look, or try and direct your thinking towards, why are all these small things bothering me so much that I have my mask? What small things have built up my mask today? Perhaps it is something bigger beyond your past you haven't thought that bothers you.

[Pinkie]

There are many things in this life that bother me...many things in my past to have caused me to be this way I already know that....

A few examples....suicidal sister, driving my cheating mother to get an abortion so my father didn't find out, drugs destroyed my sisters life and in the process mine (not from using but...you understand)...


Alot of things have happened in my short life those are just some....I wear a mask more so to hide from the disgusting world

[Poggio]

If you understand the bigger issues that created, is there anyway to keep smaller moments from adding on?

I probably shouldn't pry, but do you embrace the events that have happened to you? I know its easy to converse about them anonmously and nonchantly online, so again if I making things worse by asking let me know.

[Coda]

My therapist recommends The Power of Now as a tool to help bring yourself into the present moment instead of letting worries about the future and stress about the past control you. She suggests reading it for a few minutes a day instead of trying to read it all at once, to make a short meditative exercise out of it.

[Pinkie]

Pog: it dosent bother me if it didn't I wouldn't respond...as for everything else I try. I mean I try not to let the things like that bother the little things of life. They usually don't. Because of everything I have been through (even almost succeeding at my own suicide) I have the patience of a saint. I take everything in stride until one breaking point then it becomes all undone in a split second.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I am a totem for everyone until the weight of everything becomes to much and I snap. This always ends bad but I have tried so many ways to change things. Though the one thing that my therapist tells me I need to do I just can't...I can't cry. Maybe I have no tears left...

Coda: actually I have read that before I think...it sounds and looks so familiar. And it's a combination of everything just life in general that makes me think and fret and worry.

It's weird for me the little things bug me yes they do I won't deny that but I find that the larger ones that should effect me more don't really effect me much at all. Not until everything has calmed down for everything then it hits me hard...

Like for example my father's health. Everyone is all freaked and worried and stressed. Hell so am I but I just...don't show it. It will be the same when he passes. Everyone will loose their shit and I'll clean up right after them. Months will pass and then I will randomly think of it then everything crashes and burns...but just for me and no one ever finds out about it because it's when I am alone.

Solitary is my only solace...yet apparently it's my worst down fall.

[Coda]

Like for example my father's health. Everyone is all freaked and worried and stressed. Hell so am I but I just...don't show it. It will be the same when he passes. Everyone will loose their shit and I'll clean up right after them. Months will pass and then I will randomly think of it then everything crashes and burns...but just for me and no one ever finds out about it because it's when I am alone.

This isn't unhealthy or inappropriate, in and of itself. You shouldn't judge your own emotional responses based on what other people do.

It's actually a positive thing that you're able to continue functioning despite knowing that there are bad things you have to deal with. It's appropriate to worry and stress and grieve when the time is right, and those periods where you do break down are meaningful and important too, but being able to set those feelings aside when they don't serve any purpose in the present moment is healthy. Don't force yourself to dwell on those unpleasant things based on some idea that you're supposed to be upset about it.

When my grandfather was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer, my reaction was pretty level. I honestly didn't feel much when he passed away even though I loved him very much. At the time, I felt bad that I wasn't torn up over losing someone close to me. When I finally did shed tears, it wasn't over his passing; it was over the pain that I saw my mother and grandmother dealing with. And that's when I understood that it really doesn't say anything bad about yourself to feel that way -- I knew it was inevitable, I knew there was no positive gain from letting it hurt me, and the people in my life who were hurt by it benefited from having me able to be level and reliable and compassionate.

And it's okay to let it out when you're alone. Everyone draws strength from different things. Some people draw strength from being with others. Some people draw strength from being away from outside attention. The important thing is that you understand yourself and understand your emotions so that when you do need to take that time to crash you understand that you're helping keep yourself healthy.

[Pinkie]

Yeah but it bothers me I guess. I mean like for example when my grandmother passed away it hit everyone hard. It hit me as well she was my best friend but even to this day I haven't cried for her death and it's been...6 years since she passed. My mother was crushed same with my sisters. I don't know it's like it didn't phase me.

It always hurts to think that I never cried or really reacted to it but after awhile I told myself something that I still believe. I tell myself that I didn't cry because I wasn't sad. I fact I was happy. I was happy she was no longer suffering or in pain. She had got cancer at 16. Beat it three times and then came back as skin cancer that sunk in and attacked her lungs, liver, stomach and then a tumor thst killed her at the age of 67. She faught so hard I was so happy she was no longer in pain. I twll myself that is the reason I never cried...because I had no reason to.

Everyone had called me cold hearted and ice queen and everything you could think of because I don't cry at death...I smile. It's hard but I do every time.

After people tell you something for so long you believe it. I have heard many things sad about me right to my face after awhile it dosent fade. =shrugs= I'm so used and numb to life it sucks.