[Espy]

I just need to get my feelings out, because I'm being eaten up by my own anger...

I'm just tired of having bad (and by bad, I mean horrendous) grades but I don't, can't talk to my parents about because I know they'll just make me even more upset. They always tell me to try harder, to stop my activities, to change my study habits, because if I'm trying my best and it isn't enough, then I'm doing something wrong, and they want me to put 100% behind ym academics and I can't do that. I can't even put 95%, because I want to do things, I want to do OTHER things, I want to get to know people, talk to people have fun.

Every time I try to talk to my parents, or they try to talk to me, I end up feeling guilt-tripped, feeling bad about everything, feeling angry at myself but I'm tired of pushing that anger inwards and just hang up and that hurts me even more and I'M TIRED OF IT.

And I'm tired of being tired even though I've slept enough and being sick for the past four weeks and being feverish and not being able to concentrate and being physically tired and being hungry at all the wrong times including now and having people worry, because when people worry, I get stressed out and want to tell them to stop worrying, but people don't....stop worrying just like that and it worries ME, that people are concerned about me. Stop being concerned about me.

I'm tired of people not understanding, and me being angry.

I think I just need to have some fun so that I can go back and focus on what needs to be done and academics, but I don't even feel like going outside to have fun or talk to people because they don't understand and I can't tell them about being on academic probation and the thought of possible being kicked out of college scares me and eats away at me and I don't even feel emotions anymore and that's terrifying. All I feel is an endless wave of boiling, seething rage, and I want all that rage to explode in some way so it lets me go and is not the ONLY THING I FEEL but it won't do that and I can't focus on anything BECAUSE I'm worried about everything else.

Sorry if you can't read anything beyond the third line; this was just pure stream of consciousness and wasn't really meant to be read and I have to stop myself now before I type up another wall of text.

[Nexess]

-just hugs Espy- There really isn't anything I can say to this so virtual hugs it is.

[woopdidoodoo]

hey Espy I understand those stressful emotions real well *hugs* maybe you've taken on too much? I'm not sure what you are studying but maybe studying isn't something for you? studying isn't for everyone...
I'm studying part time, three half days a week, and I know that change stressed me out big time. I'm only getting used to things now I've been studying since Feb this year.

I think taking time out for yourself is soooooooo important, I mean really important. And looking after yourself is too. I know its hard on a students budget. But make sure you have things like bread and milk just things to fill you up when you are in a rush.

other than that theres no point in being guilttripped. I know that much with parents or anyone. If you are feeling like you are being guilttripped you need to work out what's wrong. Tell them straight out you are trying your best, but you still need to be you.

hugs to Espy

[Red Lion]

....I know exactly where you're coming from, which is weird for me because 90% of the time I can't relate to anyone's life issues. But I was in this exact place when I was in highschool/early college, I wanted to be independent and to work at my own pace doing things that really interested me, it seems like a small thing but really it isn't, being forced to work endlessly at goals that don't even feel like your own to make the people around you happy can be quite destructive and stressful. After a few years of strenuous studying and feeling like I was getting no results from any of it and no one around me could offer any kind of relief because they didn't know what I was dealing with or didn't understand that it WAS a problem and a bigger one than a lot of people think I started feeling really resentful of all the people around me and I sort of just shut myself away from everyone because their empty platitudes of "Hang in there!" or "Oh it's not so bad, you just gotta stick with it" made me want to punch them in the face. I finally changed my major and brought my grades up, but I still feel angry that I spent all that time doing something because I had to and not because I wanted to.

The best solution, try to take little "vacations" between bouts of school work and go do things that are just for your sake, have fun, see friends, join an RP, draw, whatever you like, it will alleviate some of stress and anger.

[Espy]

@Nexxy: Hugs are always nice. Except when they come from a friend who's running at you on stilts. Anyhow, thanks :)

@woop: Nah. I don't think I've bitten off more than I can chew. It's just that the very real possibility of failing out of college just hit me, and after I've run away from it for so long, it really, really hurts and is pretty depressing.

I really didn't want to go to booth build today, but made myself go just so I could get away from homework and such. It worked. Not on the homework side, of course, but it was a huge stress reliever.

@Red: Or, you know, walk through places around campus that supposedly do not exist, and getting the thrill of thwarting the campus police. ...I know, I know, I really shouldn't be doing that. And yay, someone who actually almost-exactly know my problem! I'm forcing myself to actually take breaks and all, and then really focus on school stuff after those breaks.

[Umaeril]

I was like you, really unhappy to be in college right out of HS. It was not what I wanted to be doing. My parents were really upset with my decision to leave college and work but I never regretted doing it. Then, eventually, I went back and I finished college. But first I had fun for a few years. It was a great time. Then I transitioned back to college by going part time. My parents were so happy at that they supported me all the way. Happily there are alternative paths to the same end.

On the other hand you may as well get through college now. One can see it from this viewpoint too, right? But if you are really just going to fail then you should listen to what your inner self is telling you. That rage and restlessness is a message to your self. Either find a way to make college work by examining your major or defer college for a semester or two or a couple years until you are ready. Or you can try it part time, or there are community colleges and vocational ones too. I personally believe that rage and fear and worry come from a feeling of being trapped. But you have a lot of options and you can improve your quality of life if you can face your parents or muster the will to focus on classwork. It's your life and really it is all about quality of life.