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DarkForbidden-Love
Person, what Person?
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Words that Won't Flow | #1 | ||
Since i have been frequating the poems threads and commenting on them I have decided to re-enter the world of poetry. Beware Oh, world. It opens imediatly for critique.
Fading Vision Garden of Roses Now start telling me if ya like it or not. Puppy to Asami Gallagher is Nursy~ Broken Muse is my girlfriend And Ducky is awesome! Quote:
Last edited by DarkForbidden-Love; 10-04-2011 at 07:21 PM.
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Posted 10-02-2011, 01:45 PM |
#2 |
DarkForbidden-Love
Person, what Person?
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A Fire's Will
Golden Platter Puppy to Asami Gallagher is Nursy~ Broken Muse is my girlfriend And Ducky is awesome! Quote:
Last edited by DarkForbidden-Love; 10-04-2011 at 07:20 PM.
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Posted 10-02-2011, 02:23 PM |
DarkForbidden-Love
Person, what Person?
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#3 | |||
Are people shy? I would like to know what you think of my poems, if you don't like them tell me, and then tell me why. As long as you aren't rude I would love your feedback even negative feedback.
Puppy to Asami Gallagher is Nursy~ Broken Muse is my girlfriend And Ducky is awesome! Quote:
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Posted 10-02-2011, 05:31 PM |
#4 |
littl3chocobo
isn't that funny
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was waiting for you to finish posting
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Posted 10-02-2011, 05:32 PM |
DarkForbidden-Love
Person, what Person?
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#5 | |||
Oops sorry. It is an ongoing thing and I was going to update it as I wrote more. That is what I get for assuming people get this without writing it down.
Puppy to Asami Gallagher is Nursy~ Broken Muse is my girlfriend And Ducky is awesome! Quote:
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Posted 10-02-2011, 05:39 PM |
#6 |
littl3chocobo
isn't that funny
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sorry, though, the first one, the way the first and second line are set they read better as a single line
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Posted 10-02-2011, 05:42 PM |
DarkForbidden-Love
Person, what Person?
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#7 | |||
You're talking about 'Fading Visions' right? I have made note of that, and thank you for stopping by.
Puppy to Asami Gallagher is Nursy~ Broken Muse is my girlfriend And Ducky is awesome! Quote:
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Posted 10-02-2011, 05:46 PM |
#8 |
littl3chocobo
isn't that funny
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yes, though oddly i feel like i am being shooed away *hurries out of door*
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Posted 10-02-2011, 05:47 PM |
DarkForbidden-Love
Person, what Person?
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#9 | |||
Fading Realms (Based off the RP idea slightly)
Puppy to Asami Gallagher is Nursy~ Broken Muse is my girlfriend And Ducky is awesome! Quote:
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Posted 10-02-2011, 06:30 PM |
#10 |
littl3chocobo
isn't that funny
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actually it sounds like it could be our rp too in places hahaha though all those changes are internal
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Posted 10-02-2011, 06:41 PM |
DarkForbidden-Love
Person, what Person?
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#11 | |||
Was not thinking of it that way, but now you point that out I can see it.
Another poem, what?! Jeez I have no life... Goodbye The Epilouge And yet more... Broken Beast No such Thing as Heroes. Puppy to Asami Gallagher is Nursy~ Broken Muse is my girlfriend And Ducky is awesome! Quote:
Last edited by DarkForbidden-Love; 10-04-2011 at 07:24 PM.
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Posted 10-02-2011, 07:04 PM |
#12 |
DarkForbidden-Love
Person, what Person?
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I should warn you the poems in this post have some disturbing content read at own risk. It is not M rated more like Pg 13.
Mirror, Mirror Be Human, Again. Dead Like Me Pefect Words False Fantasy Puppy to Asami Gallagher is Nursy~ Broken Muse is my girlfriend And Ducky is awesome! Quote:
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Posted 10-03-2011, 07:58 AM |
littl3chocobo
isn't that funny
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#13 | |||
haha, i only have one poem myself and it's old and unfinished to boot haha
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Posted 10-03-2011, 09:54 AM |
#14 |
DarkForbidden-Love
Person, what Person?
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Winged
And this one I found from three years ago. It says something when your poetry style has not changed in three years. It was a school poem about your mind. Not Yours Puppy to Asami Gallagher is Nursy~ Broken Muse is my girlfriend And Ducky is awesome! Quote:
Last edited by DarkForbidden-Love; 10-04-2011 at 07:26 PM.
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Posted 10-03-2011, 08:15 PM |
Suzerain of Sheol
Desolation Denizen
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#15 | |||
Since you asked for feedback, I'll note first off that I noticed several spelling errors, just in glancing through a couple of your poems. You'll want to fix those, they're even more glaring in poetry than in prose and tend to tarnish the entire poem when they crop up.
Otherwise, though, I don't have time at the moment to do a thorough read-through, but from what I can tell, your style is very direct, to the point where, in a lot of places, it feels just like words on a page, not even poetry. (That's a bad way of putting it, since poetry is such a nebulous term, but hopefully you know what I mean.) Also, I'll just throw this out there, but I don't see much overall meaning to many of these, beyond the personal. Personal poems are fine and all, but showing them to other people is almost always pointless, because no one can see things from your specific perspective. The challenge in writing a meaningful poem is to take something personal and make it universal, so that the poem transcends your specific experiences and thereby gains a meaning of its own. Which is rather difficult to accomplish. And, just to throw it out there, there's something to be said for being cliche. There's so much saturation in poetry anymore that it's nearly impossible to do something original, but a lot of your lines just sound tired and generic. The constant "I" references don't exactly help, either. (Even if you're not referencing yourself, when it shows up that often in your work, it can make it look like you are.) And... that's all I have time for right now. I may take a closer look some other time when I get a chance. If I had to make some quick suggestions for improvement, I'd say try to word things with a little more flair, getting away from the typical descriptions and challenging the reader a little more. Also, maybe try to be less direct and layer what your trying to say a bit more, though not everyone appreciates that in poetry. But even still, there should always be something more beyond the first, obvious, apparent meaning, even if that apparent meaning functions perfectly well on its own. Cold silence has a tendency to atrophy any sense of compassion between supposed lovers. Between supposed brothers. | ||||
Posted 10-04-2011, 07:06 PM |
#16 |
DarkForbidden-Love
Person, what Person?
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Thank you for your input, Suzerian. I am working on those spelling errors, and I'll definatly keep those tips in mind. I hope you get time to critique them more thoroughly.
Puppy to Asami Gallagher is Nursy~ Broken Muse is my girlfriend And Ducky is awesome! Quote:
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Posted 10-04-2011, 07:16 PM |
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