[Lawtan]

Ignore this. I am just rambling to get it out of my system.

Not in the "the voices tell me to do "X"" way, but in the "my anxiety mixed with depression and OCD causes me to be disabled" way.

So, as the year is nearing its last weeks, I just continue to try to survive in spite of myself. I try to distract myself from my thoughts- I try to be enthusiastic and cheery for other people. It's not a mask - in that it is not fake - but I do use it to cover up my problems.

I don't feel like I can accept myself - I detest myself for things I can't control. Hell, I don't even know what to accept of myself. If I do anything - establish relationships or friendships with people outside of the internet where I can be a partial blur, they will automatically start to think of what I should be...and I am scared of that. I can only see myself outside of "me" in terms of pain and intentionally surreal. Like a ham. I can be me if I am a ham.

I am scared of teachers, and of other guys...probably because of my past (Teachers in the past - some, not all - would push me into an unhealthy state while guys would assault me without being dealt with.) I sort of realized this because the teachers and roommates that have excited my anxiety have resembled the ones in my past enough to scare me into thinking them hostile from the start. While the roommate was irresponsible...after talking to them today, I realized that the professor isn't the monster I thought they were. I don't trust people.

I am terrified of and shut down in grabbing situations and go mute when a person is too close/loud. I spend about 1/3 of every day dealing with suicidal fantasies. Little poems and visions of me hanging. Dreams of the nearby train track running me over. I make plans just to shut them up.

It isn't as bad as 2 years ago. I know I won't follow through. It's just that I have barely improved to "functional/average" student (B's and C's...1 A, 1 D). That would be okay, but the stuff that has happened leaves me with the inability to be proud of myself - to like myself.

To calm myself down, I imagine worlds and stories and characters. I somewhat feel like it is the only way I can let myself feel anything other than anxiety and pain.

Family is not doing better. Mom possibly had another ministroke (that or a paralyzing migraine), and Dad is desensitized to her health, and things in general. The company is getting to him.
Grandparents are refusing to take care of themselves for the most part, and Uncle is having problems with weight and dizziness.

I just want to say that if I break at all, like I did a few days ago - I try to keep cheery for everyone - I apologize. I also apologize for rambling. I am just tired.

[Coda]

Hey, I get what you're saying. Ever since losing my job in 2013 and the legal battle surrounding those events, I've been similarly disabled by the psychological disorders created by those scars. I won those battles... but it didn't actually help. I used to be able to deal with stress just fine... now, even tiny amounts of stress like waking up too early can make me lock up all day, blanking out and not able to focus on anything. I keep my job by finding ways to force my way through it -- usually by working late nights up against a deadline to make up for lost time.

[Quiet Man Cometh]

Something to think about, Law. In light of the talk in the companion animals thread, I recalled this woman from one of my sociology courses. She's an autistic woman who made a successful career designing holding pens and such for livestock, and attributes her success at it to her having a different perspective. Here's the wiki:

Temple Grandin

[Ireland]

I suffer from anxiety and depression. I know what it's like to feel like your body is rebelling against you daily. =/

May I ask how old you are? I only ask because, as I am almost out of my 20's now, I find the further away from my teens I get, the easier it gets to deal with. I almost have 0 depression now, though the anxiety is still a large issue. Puberty reeked havoc on me. Things have gotten much better since I have gotten older.

I hope you find some peace like I have. I'm more than happy to talk to you any time. I know I'm a stranger, but the offer remains.

[Fulkth]

Don't worry about it too much.
Aren't we all a little bit insane?

I feel like I will fit in just fine here.

[Ireland]

We all are mellow, crazy people around here. Just trying to have a good time and not get bored. ^__^

[Lawtan]

Originally Posted by Ireland

May I ask how old you are? I only ask because, as I am almost out of my 20's now, I find the further away from my teens I get, the easier it gets to deal with. I almost have 0 depression now, though the anxiety is still a large issue. Puberty reeked havoc on me. Things have gotten much better since I have gotten older.

Early 20's. Honestly don't know about if/when it will get better. Things just keep cropping up to mess with recovery.

Originally Posted by Fulkth

Don't worry about it too much.
Aren't we all a little bit insane?

I feel like I will fit in just fine here.

If you think so, you're always welcome at the Library and all. :)

[Fulkth]

*Ahem, if anyone asks if I am crazy....I will deny it and state that I am quite sane though.

---

Aww, thanks for the invitation!

I used to love going to the library when I was younger, but now I am too lazy.

[Espy]

...-feeds low-sugar cookies-

[Lawtan]

I would like to say thank you again.

As an update, I am trying Sertraline (Zoloft). Can't say parents approve (Dad thinks therapy and all are pseudoscience, mom is incredibly worried due to the deadening of emotions and list of side effects)

Personally terrified, but if I can reduce my anxiety enough to direct my tangled web of emotions into more meaningful things, I'll do it.

So...yeah. This has been an update from ye auld ash tree.
*Ratatoskr runs back up the tree*

[Quiet Man Cometh]

A note from my experience, beginning anti-depressants can be really strange, and your brain may feel alien for a while and you might find yourself having to get accustomed to a different mental feeling.

[Lawtan]

Umm...if anyone would be free to talk/message/help, that would be appreciated.

[Coda]

What's up, Law?

[Poggio]

Well, one, if your father is anything like my father he is just prepared. And his emotional detachment is probably sparing him for when something does happens. For example my dad is always reminding us that he is paying for our graves and has his life insurance policies on us if anything should happen. If it hurts you a lot, perhaps you should try and talk to him and see how he really feels about the situation.

second you may be sane if you realize whats bothering you.

One thing that I would like to say that he also says all the time is "Life is for the living" That isn't to say that if you feel like you have no life, you should end it, rather it is to say that life is worth living and is what you make of it.

It is hard to be positive. The mind always recalls and dwells on the negative and for some reason it is more impact. But change comes from within Law. Make sure you concretely know how you feel, and what goals or such you want to achieve in life before you take on the weight of all that is going on around you.

[Lawtan]

...Can I be tired of being stuck in dramaland?

So, as an update, I am going insane (in the "my skin/body feels wrong and life makes me want to scream bloody murder" way) and my folks are about to separate due to my father essentially taking both my parents' funds (and retirement) to pay for his company. Along with other things this has been 12 years coming. Did I mention that my father is a compulsive buyer and also put a lean on the family home for his company as well?

And as I was leaving my therapist, she took a moment to violate patient confidentiality. See, that is why I couldn't talk to you after a point.

...Can I sell my organs? Maybe that will help. (More an expression of my emotional state than a plan)

Edit: I guess I am asking "what can I do?"