[Ultima]

So, many of you have probably been confused about my gender. To me, that's actually a good thing. For those of you who have not been informed, I am genderqueer. This means that I do not consider myself a 'man' or a 'woman.' While I am biologically female, I do not like being called a 'girl' and 'she.' But at the same time, 'boy' and 'he' sound equally as wrong. I hate my girly given name and prefer a unisex one. I prefer to dress androgynously, but I really can't pull it off because of my D cup breasts. On my wedding day, I picture myself in a dress shirt and pants, not a dress. Every day, I try to train my voice to sound deeper and less girly.

But here's the thing. I haven't told my friends or family any of this. I have no idea how to. It would be easier if I wanted to be a man. I could just tell them, "Guys, I want a penis." But I don't. I'm afraid f I were to tell them I'm genderqueer, everyone, especially my dad, would say "... What the hell is that??"

What do you guys think I should do? What should I say? Should I call a family meeting? Or casually mention it at a dinner? Should I tell them each individually? Or should I not say anything and let them slowly figure it out on their own?

I may edit this post later to include answers to questions so you don't have to read everything.

I'm going to bed now, but please still post. I would really appreciate some opinions <3

[Misericorde]

Hm, that's a tough one Ulti... I would suggest planning a family dinner whee all your family and you are together, and then ease into it and calmly explain the situation. As for your friends, I'm sure they'd be a lot easier to talk to than your parents. Parents are the big scary ones to most people. But you're their child, and you're their friend, I believe they'll love you no matter what, and understand once you explain everything.

[Odessa]

~Naritai you ni nareba ii jan~

I feel your pain, Ultima. I'm in largely the same boat as you, except I'm bio-male, and instead of being queer/neutral I'm bigender -- that is, instead of being neither, I'm both.

It's hard enough coming out as trans when you DO fit into the gender binary. It's even harder coming out when you DON'T. When you're just the opposite gender from your physical sex, people can still understand what a boy is or what a girl is, but people that aren't either just don't fit into many people's understanding of how things work.

I wish I could give you advice, but I'm probably not the best help in this regard because while I've successfully come out to a lot of my friends, it didn't go over well at all with my family. Don't take this as discouragement, though! It IS possible and I know a lot of people who HAVE found acceptance.

~Shinpai shinakute ii~

[Belial]

I told my family was Asexual and they didn't seem to take it seriously.

I won't bother coming out as bi as my sex life isn't their business and inviting comments from them or their judgement is a waste of my time.

I am who I am and am comfortable with it. Why should I give a you know what if they disapprove? They aren't me!

Life is too short and I want to just be happy, I can't do that if I am always gonna be concerned about what other people think about me. That would just be counterproductive.

[Skaro]

Simply call a family meeting and announce the ways you feel. Make a powerpoint of key factors and answers to questions you think they may have. I'm with a girl that identifies herself as male. Whereas she doesn't mind being called her or she, she does not like the fact that she is female. It's a very confusing concept for her and for everyone else. So I know to a fine point what is going on with you. If you want them to understand you just tell them in the best, most respectful way that you can think of.

AS long as you're comfortable with who you are hopefully they will be as well. If they don't approve of it then you just be you and allow them to warm up to you. There are tons of people who love you for who you are. <3

[Forsaken]

Hmmm.. I have had many a friend in your boat, and also have been on the receiving end of this kind of thing.

For my friends, most of them were best able to have their family understand it by explaining it calmly, and with pride. I think if you let them know that you are not saying it for some sort of trend, and it's not some tragic thing they caused (cause they will try to blame themselves), and you carry yourself in a responsible and sensible manner, it will be alright.

Also, as a recipient of such news, I have a small story, with a point following it.
I once fell deeply in love with a boy, and he lived in another country. We met via Roleplay, on Gaiaonline. I was simply his friend for nearly a year of knowing him, but eventually we both confessed deep feelings and began a relationship. Now, you may think what you want of online relationships, as I myself critique them a lot. However, I was with him for nearly two years, until I broke it off with him due to hurtful circumstances. But, after a messy period of being unable to talk to each other cordially, we became fast friends once more, and even now are good friends.

Getting more to the point, recently after a period of not being able to talk to each other, he came to me and told me that he (for a long time) had reached a point where he found himself to be a female trapped in a male's body. But not just a girl, but what is commonly known as a dickgirl. A transsexual, of sorts. He had a new name he secretly is going by, and has not told any of his less trusted friends or a single family member. And me, having only known him to be a great Guy, and one of the most chivalrous men I have ever met, was both confused and a little hurt when first finding out. I have no doubt it was mainly because I had loved, and still do love him/her. It also, though, equally hurts to know how he pictures himself currently. He sees his male body as ugly, and an abomination... whereas I have always loved it, and he, and was sitting there listening to him crush everything he used to believe in himself to sad smithereens.

But, that's enough of my personal life, truly. The point to that little insight is that... The hardest thing, for me, was not accepting and understanding his new found gender and sexuality... The hardest thing for me to do, was learn to separate the past, and all I had cherished with him, and all I had thought of us together... separate it from her, a girl talking to me from a male's body. It was hardest for me to separate those two different people, and then put them back together to create not a person with a gender, or sexual preferences, but a person who I loved, and who loved me. Questions that went through my head were not 'why..? that's disgusting!' nor were they 'holy cow, that's unnatural!' But instead, they were more like 'does that mean my memories are all lies..?'

And so, your family may not respond completely well, but it may not always be for those judgmental reasons, even if they lash those out at first. All of that supposed disgust may simply be their defense as they sit there asking themselves 'did I really know my daughter/sister/etc...?' and 'are all of my memories with her lies..?' because they cannot yet comprehend that a mental image they have of you, is being tampered with. It's harder than it seams, for a lot of people. Again, for me, I did not care that he was claiming to be a woman. I cared that that may then damage all I had ever had with my dear friend.
So just.. be gentle? And remind them that they are loved by you.

Well, that's quite enough out of me... Heh, definitely. Thank you for reading.

Forsaken

[Ultima]

Thank you guys a lot for the input and support. I think I'll tell them soon. But I might tell them individually. I've tried dropping hints to my mom and sisters who I know will support me, but my dad will be a little harder to deal with. He's not a jerk or intolerant or anything, he's just ... not as accepting as my mom and sisters.

I know he'll still love me, but he might not be fully understanding of the whole situation. I mean, you should have seen his face when he found out I like girls. He was uncomfortable enough with just my sexuality. Now I'm going to have to tell him that I don't want to be treated as a girl and I want to change my freaking name... I know I'll never be Devon to him. I'll always be Brie Ann, his oldest daughter. A girl.

I know I won't get kicked out of the house, and I know they will still love me. But I just don't think my family, especially my dad and extended family, will ever see me as I really am on the inside. This makes me really sad and almost makes me think I shouldn't even bother coming out to them. But I know I should tell them. ... Eventually. ....... As it happens, my parents are staying in Boston this weekend. So it won't be for a little while.

Again, thank you guys for the support. Any other words of advice would be amazing <3

[Funkduder]

Well Ultima, all I can really say is "man up" and tell them the truth, in the best way you feel they can understand it. If it gets you a "What the Hell?" response, then so be it. It's out of your control at that point. I don't know if your family could be or would be understanding, but I do know that if they truly care about you, as your family, then being gender-queer shouldn't really matter to them.
On a side note, I think that it's interesting to find this out and find you no less cooler than you were before. :)
Luck be with you, Ultima.
...*reads the post right above*...
Wow... I really need to look at the entire thread before answering next time. XD

[Darkest Laugh]

I doubt casually mentioning it casually at a dinner would be a good idea.

I say one at a time, you may have to explain what genderqueer is a few times but you'll only have to respond to one reaction at a time. Tell the more understanding parent first (for various reasons).

[Ultima]

Well I came out to my immediate family on the 1st of March. They took it pretty well, but predictably my dad was silent and uncomfortable through the whole thing. My sisters and mother said they may call me by my preferred name, but my dad already said he will likely never do so.

.... Now I have no idea how to tell my extended family. If I even do decide to, that is. ...
-sigh- v.v;

[Gozed]

Well hopefully your sisters and mom would help with that, and be there for moral support.

[Funkduder]

I actually think that your sisters will spread the word a little bit to your extended family, so I wouldn't be surprised if they took it better.

[rawkabilly]

You don't have to tell them if you don't want to.

I'm glad your mom/sisters are supportive.

[Lady_Katsaya]

I understand it must be hard. My cousin outed that I was bi one day, so I ended up telling them all at that time. My grandmother rejects the idea, my mom is a bit skeptic and the rest think it's funny.My older cousin was very supportive, so I told her first. I'm just grateful that I was accepted at all.