[Rem]

I had a bit of an epiphany the other day and I was wondering if anyone else had felt like this and what they did to work through it..so I decided to post

*clears throat* Hello
My name is Rem
and I'm addicted to being needed

Haha I know I know that's not a really unique thing, everybody wants to be needed by someone - family, friends, etc, but I kind of realized that with me it's a little more than a -want-...it's like the only thing that makes me feel content and happy and like my life has meaning, and I don't understand how I got to that point.

There's a lot of different things that fall under that too...I have a bit of a White Knight syndrome, I tend to like being someone's hero/saviour and I definitely definitely tend to fall for 'broken' people if it's shown that I make them happier and 'better'. I never thought I'd be one of those people that were like 'Oh he/she's got so many issues BUT MY LOVE CAN FIX HIM/HER' because I always knew that's bullshit but omg dude I am that person. Wtf how did that happen?! It's like...I like many people, but I only fall in love with people I can 'save'...what the crap. :/

And what's most disturbing is something I thought the other day...just one of those random thoughts you have when you're morose and feeling depressed and your brain won't shut off. I actually thought '...there is no one in my life that absolutely needs me in theirs...no one that would be devastated if I weren't around...what is the fucking point of existing??' And as soon as that thought left my brain it was like someone splashed cold water on my face. What the fuck, did I seriously feel that there was no point to my life?!.

I sure did. I had to mull that over and I came to the realization that sometime over the last few years of my life I've literally stopped caring about me in relation to myself and only care about me in relation to other people. What. What. I literally am living my life FOR OTHERS and anything other than that brings me no joy.

What the fuck when did that happen?!? I used to have major goals and dreams and they didn't involve anyone else but my own damn self. I remember being fifteen and being so excited to be out on my own so I could make a name for myself all by myself and being so like INDEPENDENCE FUCK YEAH I DON'T NEED NOBODY. And now I'm curling in balls and feeling like there's no point to living if I don't have someone leaning on me like I'm -their- reason for living? I can't tell if that's incredibly narcissistic or incredibly doormat-ish.

I mean I'm sure a LOT of this feeling of 'I have no point' comes from being engaged and then suddenly being not engaged in a way that felt like being hit by a truck while hugging a kitten, but still. I mean...I'm going to be honest here, in many many ways - I don't like myself much. But I can't believe I got to a point where I don't even need myself either. I need someone else more than I need myself?! I can't even describe how lame that is. (Hah if you can't tell I'm kind of disgusted with this revelation :/ Goddamn issues.)

So yeah, I apparently think that the whole point of living is to be someone else's something. Not my own something. Which, for the longest time, is all I wanted to be - MY OWN SOMETHING. Thing is, I don't know how to get back to that. I think about all the stuff I've wanted to accomplish and it just...it feels like 'what's the point'? And I don't know how to make myself care. Nothing seems to bring me joy, not even thinking 'oh what if someday I were to ___', none of it. Has anyone else had this feeling? How did you get back to caring about what you wanted and needed?

Sorry this is so long I just felt like idk.... sharing. xD Whee

[Mica]

(Oh my ffing god, I wrote a huge-ass post and it was deleted because Trisphee logged me out. ._.)

I hope I remember most of the things...

Anyway, wow. I think it was pretty damn awesome that you realized it, and I dunno, plan to take action. You already know you aren't alone, so I'm just gonna share a bit. The first teenage years of my life was spent in isolation (Actually, and the previous years before it), I had no school, no friends, no social whatnot. So when I began to actively take part in the internets, I had this thing about being needed, that my friends online were the only things that mattered. (Not that this affected my real life, nothing goin' on there)

Then things were pretty harsh, after all the big bad stuff that happened to me, I kind of inched away from people. So kind of the reverse extreme. Except I still had that nagging feeling that I was so alone, and lonely. Which I was, it was pretty damn sad actually. Throughout those years, I just kind of adapted to the feelings, I met new people, I stopped talking to some and I realized one thing, I actually had a handful of people genuinely care for me. I learned my lesson though, I didn't cater to their needs with their beck and call, and the best part is they didn't expect me to.

So, somehow this world blessed me with the three best friends I could ever have. It just happened. I learned to trust people more but I still kept aloof, I learned to love myself (this isn't as bad as it sounds...) to some degree and I kind of just got the hang of balancing out my alone time and stuff.

Sometimes I have this urge to simply do something for myself, whether it's good for my body, it's drawing me something or pigging out of that delicious ice cream bar. (Everything in moderation ;_; ) Maybe you just need a little alone time, something to yourself. Draw a picture that makes you feel all fuzzy and nice inside (mmbloodandgore?), or well, you know. Other things too.

I think you're just in a slump, I think you do care for yourself because you know you have to stop thinking these things. From the things you posted up there, I think you could do it too. I wrote all this because what you wrote there made me really like you (not like that!), it was actually kind of inspiring. And hey, it was in favor to yourself, too!

Besides, taking care of yourself helps everyone around you. It might inspire them, it might just change their lives forever. (A bit exaggerated but it's not impossible.)

I once had a friend who told me that he truly didn't care about himself. And the only thing that did was break my heart. (Not romantically speaking, just, it was sad.) He was such a great guy, with flaws, yes, but he had absolutely no reason to feel like that. (Okay, he did but he had ALL the power to change it).

I'm a firm believer in 'alone time', just little things to yourself, you know? I always draw freebies, and my art is always for someone, whether it's a gift or a surprise. But sometimes I just like to draw something for me that makes me proud. And being proud of myself gives me fuzzy feelings inside.

I care about myself because at least it saves the headache of my friends(kind of ironic here), makes me feel better about myself (god knows, I have serious self esteem issues) and it actually helps me be a bit more likable. XD; I'm not near narcissistic or anything, but I do like myself to some degree(It's a secret though). I learned I didn't need anyone, but life would sure as hell be a lot lamer, duller and sadder without them. But I need to take care of me first, since I wanna be around to bug the crap of all the people around me. ...I just learned to be a bad ass, really. *Cough* *Shot*

I don't know if this will help you or is just some long-ass post that rambled about stuff, but... hey, I hope things get better. Really. And you totally have to give yourself a little love. Remember those goals and remember how awesome they're gonna be when you reach it- but the best part is mostly the journey. So remember how the hell you got to finish the goals! So don't feel so glum, I'm sure you're a lot better than that.

(Hnng omg it's still so long. It's okay if you don't read it.)

[Taiania]

I feel like that. But I tell myself that people that I may not have even met yet need me, and that keeps me more than content. ^_^

[Vox]

Your life does affect others, whether they need you or not. I'm in a terrible spot in life - no money, no job, no status, no S.O., barely any friends and family that I still speak to. No one needs me. But I know that my life, insignificant as it is, affects more people than I can possibly imagine, in ways I don't even know about. Even more so for you, most likely.

A friend's cousin's aunt's sister's husband is reported missing in Japan, probably dead, and while I am far removed from this man, I'm sorry for the loss. We're all in a big web of life, and we do affect one another.

Hope this made sense and helped in some way.

[M ¥ D € ©]

I've felt like that before... its usually the result of personality, emotional fetish, or pecking order(elder middle or little sibling)

[Rem]

Mica - ...*hugs tightly*
Thank you for that, for the sweet things you said, and the advice. I've been trying to get back into art, which is my first love, but my confidence in my work has been shot all to hell, so it's hard for me to get the drive to do anything. But then again I have been trying to do commissions and such...maybe I need to work on something for me and me only...I have a feeling it probably will be blood n gore xD (i'm finding that more and more cathartic these days...)

Originally Posted by Vox

Your life does affect others, whether they need you or not. I'm in a terrible spot in life - no money, no job, no status, no S.O., barely any friends and family that I still speak to. No one needs me. But I know that my life, insignificant as it is, affects more people than I can possibly imagine, in ways I don't even know about. Even more so for you, most likely.

A friend's cousin's aunt's sister's husband is reported missing in Japan, probably dead, and while I am far removed from this man, I'm sorry for the loss. We're all in a big web of life, and we do affect one another.

Hope this made sense and helped in some way.

It did...because you know, for all the lowness I've been feeling, I really do believe that...I just have to like...make myself believe I believe it xD Does that make sense? But it's a good thing to be reminded of once in awhile... thank you

Originally Posted by M ¥ D € ©

I've felt like that before... its usually the result of personality, emotional fetish, or pecking order(elder middle or little sibling)

Y'know I can really see the emotional fetish aspect of it.....aha not that I am proud of admitting such a thing
(Do I get off on emotions? ....mmm...food for thought...)

[Azrael]

I can... sorta relate. I understand how you want so badly to mean something to someone. I'm one of those people that expects in return what I give in a relationship... so when I try really hard (er, considering I've never dated I'm counting friendships here) with someone and I get shit in return, it hurts. A lot. And... I dunno. I know what you mean, laying in bed and thinking that no one would miss you. I personally know it's not completely true. I have my mom at the very least. But others I'm never so sure about, and leaving high school was kind of a slap in the face about that. I've always understood you drift apart after high school. I never expected that people I thought I was close with would just drop me the moment they no longer need something from me.

Anyway, I kind of try to figure out what I want to do with my life and focus on that. For me it's to go to Japan right now (er, despite the devastation), and whenver I think about it, trying to picture what it'd be like and the feeling, I get all butterfly-y. so... I don't know, don't focus on what you don't have, focus on what you could have and you want to have. Cause I know from personal experience, the moment I start wondering why I don't have someone or whatever, I get depressed as hell. So I try not to think about it.

[Mica]

@Rem: Blood and gore makes me happy... and try letting loose when you draw, I do some pretty cool pics when I just draw without those guidelines and restrictions. After all, it's a way to express yourself, so to say. I don't see how your confidence in art should ever be shot down! (I understand though, all too well.) I'm sure you get plenty compliments for your artwork. With good reason too, you're pretty damn good at it.

I hope they work- or help. XD Hope things look out better, 'cause it seems you're already getting started to stand right back up.