[Rose Pearl]

Deep inside
where souls reside.
I seek for my soulmate.
Deep inside where heart dwells
I find shattered pieces
their souless parts

I seek for one true love
not the perfection,
but love with all its faults and virtues..

[Rose Pearl]

Oh,how sweet is the kiss from you lips
Oh,how sweet is your deceiving voice.
I yearn and yet I burn not with love but anger.
You confuse me to the core
you always act like a bore.
I keep myself hidden
I stare in other direction
and yet my heart seeks for your soul.

[Suzerain of Sheol]

Would you like comments/critiques on these? I can do so, if you want, but I wouldn't want to presume.

[Rose Pearl]

sure
I would love some critiques on these

[Suzerain of Sheol]

Okay, then, I'll try not to be too harsh. :)

I'm going to copy them into this post so I can comment on them directly.

Oh, and take whatever I say with a grain of salt, I'm just offering my thoughts as I read through these. I'm not saying you have to change anything.

Deep inside
where souls reside. This seems like it should end in a comma, it isn't a complete thought.
I seek for my soulmate. This could possibly break to a new stanza here, so you'd have 3 stanzas of 3 lines.
Deep inside where heart dwells
I find shattered pieces
their souless parts Soulless is spell with two "L"s. Also this last line feels kind of weak.

I seek for one true love
not the perfection, I think this would sound better as just "not perfection".
but love with all its faults and virtues.. Either 1 period, or 3 for an ellipses, not 2,

Now, as to the actual content of the poem, and what it's saying... first off, where's the title? As my creative writing professor was fond of reminding us, not titling your poetry is lazy and makes it look like you don't care enough about the poem to come up with a name for it.

Anyway, I'm not actually sure what you're trying to say with this poem. Take the first three lines, for example. Why would "you" (whoever the narrator is) be looking for their soul mate inside themselves? Was that even intentional on your part? I mean, you could do something neat with that concept, but you don't really go anywhere with it.

For the next three lines... well, another piece of wisdom from my professor: the image of a broken heart is the single most cliched image in poetry. You should always be very wary of using the word "heart" at all in a poem. Also, that last line, "their soulless parts" just has no impact. It's mostly "parts" that's dragging it down, that just isn't an interesting or exciting word. It's a boring word.

Moving onto the last three lines, true love is another abused phrase. It doesn't really do you any favors to use such tired phrases in your poetry. If you come up with something original to replace them, I guarantee it will sound better than something that's been done to death from Shakespeare til now.


Okay, onto your second poem, again, copying it here to comment on.

Oh,how sweet is the kiss from you lips
Oh,how sweet is your deceiving voice. This should end with a question mark.
I yearn and yet I burn not with love but anger. I think a stronger word than "anger" would serve well here.
You confuse me to the core
you always act like a bore. This line... is not good. First off, you haven't rhymed at all yet, and it just comes off as forced here. It doesn't fit the context of the poem, and, honestly, it made me stop my reading to wonder why you included, which is bad. Anything that breaks the reader's flow is bad for a poem.
I keep myself hidden
I stare in other direction
and yet my heart seeks for your soul. Again with the heart and soul imagery. It's just been done, and done, and done, and done and done. It's almost yawn-inducing to these words thrown about in this way any more. And I'm not trying to get on your case, I'm just saying that it will be nothing but an improvement for your poetry if you avoid falling back on such basic images.

So, for this one, again, no title. Again, it needs one.

And... I'm really not sure what you're trying to say in this one. Is this supposed to be painting some kind of abusive relationship, where the abusee keeps coming back to the abuser? It's really the last line that's throwing me off, it just doesn't seem to gel with sentiments of anger and deception.


So, in conclusion, my advice for you is to try and be more creative with your poetry. When you go to write a line, come up with the idea first, and then stop and think "Okay, how can I can say this in a way that no one's ever said it before?". You won't always succeed, but the effort alone will show, and your poems will read better for it.

Also, I think you need to focus on the poem's meaning more while you're writing it. These feel kind of meandering and it takes away from the overall message. Come up with a meaning first, and then use each line to paint that picture. Each word is a brush-stroke, each stanza is a different color. When its done, it should be greater than the sum of its parts; each word should contribute to the overall meaning.

And... I think that's about it. This post is getting long, anyway. Good luck, let me know if you have any questions, and I'd be happy to critique more of your poems if you'd like me to.

[Rose Pearl]

Go in the world of slumber
where there is not pain.

In a dream land
where fairies dwell,
I live my life as happy gal