[Muff Muff]

Even as a little girl, I never really wrote in a journal...But that didn't mean I never wrote at all. I used to write every day of my life, and heck, I still do. Even though now it's not so much stories, songs, poems and stuff like that anymore.. It's close enough. It's my feelings. It always is. And another reason I never kept a diary was because when I had emotions overflowing I'd write a letter. To them, or to myself. Not many got those letters - most landing themselves into the trash - but it helped. There are things we need to get out of our system, and things like that can't always be told to the person that you want to say them to. For whatever reason that is.

This is a place to write to whomever you want to without them seeing or knowing who it is for. For example you can put, Dear Diary, Dear Emily, Dear Bob, Dear Person, Dear Dog. Anything. Heck, you can even complain to your mechanical pencil for not working. It can be short or long, just let it go. No one has to know who it's about or who it's for. It's just a place for you.

I ask everyone who reads or posts not to care what other entries say. Worry about your own release. It may be odd, but I always felt a lot better after writing a letter, or even just a poem of how I felt. So maybe this will help your day as well. :)

Also, Please turn off your sigs in this thread. There is a button in the "go advanced" area below the submit to uncheck for signatures.

Originally Posted by Lucid:

Hi everybody!

I'm here to let you know that we have some new guidelines for the "Dear Diary..." thread. In order to best serve this thread's original purpose, we would like to remind users that this is a place to vent about problems without worry of anybody reading your complaints. As such, please do not address the diary entries of other users, and please do not vent about another user of this site in this thread. We remind you that we have rules prohibiting namedropping and harassment. This includes passive-aggressively attacking other users. We prefer that this thread be kept to venting about non-site issues in order to preserve the peace.

If we have any problems with harassment of other users in this thread, it will be deleted and not allowed to return.

Thank you,
Trisphee Staff

[Muff Muff]

Dear ***,

It seems like a million years ago that we parted. Yet it's only been one day. Slowly it's eating me alive not having you around. What I did could be seen as selfish, but as I always said, "there's a reason for my madness". I couldn't stand being a secret from your parents anymore..I understood why. I really did..But it doesn't change the fact it was stressful. Hell it was stressful for both of us. I'm only nineteen..I couldn't handle all that. Not to mention the lies throughout the past 4 years we knew each other..No matter what I never lied to you. I fucking cheated on you that one time but I told you the same night. And no offence it was fucking over the phone with my ex whom you were a band-aid for at the time. I don't know why I still feel so guilty for that still...Maybe it's me..but you make me feel horrible anymore..I don't feel pretty around you, I don't feel sexy or wanted..I don't know what happened. After you pushed me away I guess that's when it all changed..You shouldn't of done that..things could of been different..And for once I don't feel like it's my fault that we screwed up. I mean I'm not saying I'm the only innocent one, I'm not. But it at least is now equal. I'm old enough to see your lies better, I'm old enough to know bullshit when it happens. I don't want to stay in a relationship that I can't trust the person I love..and gosh did I fucking love you...We gave up a lot for each other..it was deep..and I revolved myself around you..And in the end you didn't care to do the same. Your friends hated me, and I knew it every time they came over..which was WAY too much ***. Way too fucking much..

Now I sit here..in my grandmother's home..I feel unwelcomed and regret for leaving you..But you know what I think the reason why I stayed with you so long? Because you are probably the only person that will every love me for all my mistakes and flaws..and there are a lot of them, I know that. But you're not perfect either. You act like a 10 year old. And I hate to sound this way, but a little Mormon-home schooled-brat. As stereotypical as that is..it's pretty on the mark. Yet I still fucking miss you! I can't hate you..I won't forget you..With or without you I'm miserable for gosh knows how long...What am I to do, ***? I want to text you every second of every day..know what you're doing..Why did you have to come to my rescue? Why couldn't you just let me go the easy way? That road is so far away now..I have too much I have to live for now..Well...at least so much I have to take care of for my family now..My mom and step-dad..my sisters..now need me more than ever..I should of never let you pull me back in after what you did...They need me more.. And I'm just so sick of the bullshit you put me through.

[#FFFFFF]

Dear Heart,

Why do you have to be so very fragile? I don't understand most of these feelings, but yet I still have them... Why can't you just get over her? Get over him as well. I want to move on and I don't want to think about any of these people anymore... But you won't let me will you? All you can do is ache and revel in the past... My past choices and my past mistakes... Well, you go ahead and just keep doing that and I'll keep letting people think there's nothing wrong with me... It tends to work very nicely after all, so... I don't really know what else to tell you. I wish you didn't have to be so sensitive to certain subjects. I remember a time when you didn't care about anything... Anything at all, but then... So much happened and it just broke us down... It broke us both down and it tried to get rid of us, but it can't because no matter how broken we are... We're still strong... And we're still one person.

[Duchess]

Dear Life,

Why do you hate me? Is it cause I'm black? I just don't get it. A lot of bad things happen and I just can't see why... I've lost faith in humanity now. I have no real friends but also, somehow, I just don't care to have any. This is simply because, humanity sucks.

I wish I wasnt so cold. I wish I was never disappointed in my life. I wish I could trust...love...care.. again. I wish I could be friendly and make some nice friends. But I know it will never change. I know I'll probably never open up again. It's your fault life... Or maybe it's mine?

Why couldnt you decrease the distance between me and my love? Why is it that everytime I get closer to him physically, you pull be back or push him away. Is it not meant to be? Or are you just that fucking cruel? Placing him halfway around the fucking world like that? Have you no heart? No wait...they always said that you are cold are cruel.

But still, can I get a do-over, please?

[Yommy]

Dear Self,

I know you are stronger than you seem at the moment. Don't worry though things will get better mentally and physically. I know that life has hit hard the last few years but look on the bright side and be happy with what you do have. An remember that no matter what you are loved by him and them. I know about the dark thoughts but those will pass when things are set where you have more freedom. YOU WILL BE HAPPY IN THE NEAR FUTURE!!! Love ya. <3

[Toxic]

Dear "Diary",

I know you must hate me by now... I forgot such a thing as you has even continued to exist. My life has been boring. Nothing much has changed, and i guess that's more of my fault than anyone elses. I keep walking around expecting for fun exciting adventures or moments to just happen. Like this is a TV show or some happy go lucky anime. It's not either. It's life. I should be working on my art project, with school about to start back up and all.
They changed our uniform colors...now it's just Khaki pants and a black collared shirt. UGH. I liked the variety before. At first it was black or khaki pants with a black, yellow, or white shirt. I hate that things always change.. They don't have to be major things but I hate it regardless. It's impossible for me to find some nice khaki pants that actually FIT. Why don't they make non ugly clothes for tall skinny people :c...

Heh, i can't imagine me writing all of this down. In the end I'd get all lazy and just trash you "Diary". Later then.

[Chi]

Dear Self,
You're recently trying to wonder what's going on in front of you. It seems to be that a certain someone doesn't want to spend time with you. Or maybe it's that he/she doesn't see you as that way anymore. If that's the case, let go. And this new occurrence has left you really quite confused as to where to go from now. Was he/she possibly being serious or just kidding like he/she said? Who's to know? Maybe everything is all wrong and you should start over. I want to change how I act. I feel maybe what they're saying is true and you are a monster, but if it is, where do you start? How do you get better at these things and make things better for those around you? It's already getting complicated before it gets better. How do you fix this? Try something calming maybe? I don't know...

[Muff Muff]

Dear *** again,

Why do you always seem to torture me? You've always done this, for the last 3 years! I sit here waiting for a little attention from you. Somehow you're always busy. ***, I've lived with you long enough to know you're not that busy that you can't even pick up my phone calls at midnight..Why do you do this? Leave me waiting like a little sick puppy.. We're over and I'm still on my toes waiting for the next e-mail I'll get since my texts are down.. It kills me..

I was listening to All Time Low..Wondering why I had them in my music because I never listened to them before. I had it on shuffle, as I do most the time. I wasn't really listening to any of the music or lyrics from them because well I was busy on IMVU "messing" with someone to try and forget you.. It had been at least an hour of mindlessly listening to All Time Low and a song came on in the middle of me and my friend's "play time"...A song you sang once while it played. A song for me in a way. One you told me you listened to when we were apart, when you pushed me away.

How is it that that one song grabbed my attention so quickly? I only heard it ONE TIME! It isn't fair!! And that song made me check my e-mail...where one single text sat waiting for me. Apologizing for your busy schedule...I almost felt guilty. No, I did. Because I always feel guilty when I have nothing to feel that way for. Then I called. It hadn't been long after you sent me the text. It was 11 PM your time..You didn't pick up. My guilt disappeared. I'm done waiting for you. No, I'll never forget you. But I'll defiantly work on getting over you, ***.

At least I hope..

[Bina Fydan]

Dear Diary,

Last week I was happy after a vacation and receiving a permit, feel like part of me is growing up. Thought I would stay happy and positive til today, back to how I was before feeling down with myself with a lot of things. Want a job, get a car of my dreams along with a license. Harder for me because I'm hard of hearing that not only speak English but Sign Language as well. I'm trying to hard to get ahead. I know that I made some risky mistakes but lucky I'm even alive. Knowing my guiding angels (yes, 3) will help me if I say the word. Please help me through this. I want to be happy with a comfortable living. Sadly hard to find what really makes me happy anymore, my sister sure isn't. Want what is best for her. For her, is an incredible person with so much potential. It hurts me that the one she is with restraining her the things she loves and the family she wants to spend time with but missed out a lot on. She dreads this, I know deep down. Why can't she see what I can see? She's pure in her own right and that guy sure knows how to screw it up. Not only did he screw up her life, but mine as well. Now I'm doing for the better. Inside, I may feel not human because of the spirit that resides within me but stuck in a human shell. Must learn the ways of the mortal life, human wise. Why does this world has to be so frigging difficult!? Argh! Can't I be thin too!? I know I'm meant to be that way, can see myself, but can't all because of no money, can't be healthy.. isn't that ironic, in order to get healthy is have good amount of money to buy stuff. I hate that! Can't we all learn to get along and fight for our planet? I guess not! Can't you teenagers this generation get the point to USE A FRICKING CONDOM.. otherwise we wouldn't be so overly populated. I don't understand why is it okay to have babies when you're like 14-16. You don't have a grasp of reality of the world, not all parents can help you nor afford to help you with your baby. Don't you think for others!? I don't want to offend anyone but this how it frustrates me. I just wish people understands and takes things into consideration. Not only that but for the better too. Hopefully after this diary, things will go better. I sure do dang hope so. I want everyone to have a happy life, isn't that too much to ask? *Shrugs* Who knows, thanks for listening God, it makes me feel better. Now I think I am done, though I know I got more inside my heart, but worth to say for another day. So long.

Much love,
~Stefanie~

[Sei]

Dear Diary,

I told myself that I wouldn't get too emotional - that I'd be strong and support the decision. Why, then, am I finding it so hard to not just curl up into a ball and cry. Why am I so tied by my emotions? I'm too emotional for my own good. The plan makes sense, and it's not forever, but my emotions keep getting in the way.

Please, emotions, back off for a while so that I can breathe again. Thank you.

Sei

[Muff Muff]

Dear ***,

You're still on my mind.. Every day I think about you..most of the day it seems. I can't stop listening to that song, it reminds me of us now.. And..every time I listen to it on replay all I can think of is how much I want to run into your arms. Then I get so angry..At you. At myself. At everyone. I don't want to hear, "Oh you'll get over him soon." I'm hurting for you now.. all I want is to be back with you. Safe. Secure in my feelings.. But I wasn't secure financially.. To be honest I wasn't even secure fully on my feelings. You lied constantly to your parents..You lied to me numerous times in the past.. I could never bring myself to trust you, yet I loved you. All I remember is our good times.. Our kisses..laying in bed..you holding me in your arms..Every date. Every fight is even better than this now.. How I wish I could see you again. How I'm dying to e-mail you or text you.. I want to so bad but I can't.. And it's eating me up inside. I hate living with my parents. It's nothing but more stress no matter where I go. We're stuck because they decided to bail on rent and move to here with my Grandma..Now I'm screwed and stuck. No license, no car, no real home.. I want to be back with you..Now that you have a job would things be different? Should I of waited longer? Probably not..but I did it for you. You had to keep me hidden..with your parents going to be in Utah often for the next 4-5 months it'd be impossible..You wouldn't be able to handle not having them support you.. No matter what you say, I know you couldn't do it. We could of lived off my paycheck alone till you got a job, but you wouldn't dare tell them for your sake of college..So for 10 years I'd have to stay hidden? That isn't the future I want..And it's not something I was gonna push on you any longer. You stood where you stood in your mind and I had to stand in mine.. Though it seems our past arguments, everything I hated...it's so small and stupid to me now.. But I suppose that's because I want you back. Because I feel alone. I have no friends again. Everyone at works stares at me like I'm stupid..I've never had to worry about this anywhere..This place is so different. It's so bad I want to be back in Utah...lol Go figure.

I wonder every day if you'll e-mail me with bad news again..I wonder if it was really the truth. How does someone who has one year to live wind up with a normal life-span in the ironic time it took to get someone back? If it was a lie...why couldn't you just be honest and say you made a mistake to push me away that time? I would of came back no matter what.. But I guess it doesn't matter anymore..Even if you contact me now..My mind is made up. Though I wish things were different. I wish we had a home again, my family and me. Things are tense here, and I'm afraid I'm going to get psoriasis again from the stress. I think it's so funny that I had it all over my body when you had pushed me away, and once you contacted me it went away..But if I get it again, I won't have the choice of coming back..It was just never meant to be. Three years of our lives gone..So many things could of been different.

[Sarah]

Dear, ____

Why did you lie to me so many times? we could of stayed friends...but i guess we weren't meant to be friends or best friends at the matter. It isn't my fault you and your so called mom and father were crazy $#$...and not in a good way. I gave you so many chances. i don't understand. I'm over it now although we only departed completly last year..Not long after my birthday at that. funnny how things work. thanks for the awesome birthday gifts last yr even though your a complete B****. Really...I mean, I'm wondering if there were acually anythings you told me or agreed to me with that were acually true. Anyways, I hope you have a misserable life. Thanks for wasting my time, at least you taught me not to trust people even more then i already felt.


Peace.

[Kalei]

Dear Diary,
You'll never know how sad I feel at times. I'm always alone in my room at those times wishing someone would comfort me. I don't know what you would say if you knew I felt that way. I'm afraid you would be angry, or laugh, because you would think my reasons were ridiculous. I wan someone to talk to, but I don't know If I'm close enough to any of my friends to share my problems with them. I can't talk to you because you would bring it up over and over making me feel worse. I don't hate you, in fact you're the biggest support in my life.

love, me

[Rem]

Dear Life,

Congratulations, you did it. You won. You beat me. Take your victory lap, soak up in my misery, because you finally did it, you defeated me. After all these years, after all the shit that you've thrown at me, time and time and time again, giving me a little something, a little hope, a little progress, only to rip it away, this time, THIS TIME you finally got me. I am on my knees; hell I'm flat on my back, broken and bleeding from punch after punch. And I have nothing left. Nothing in me. God, years - ten years you took from me, and I was able to come back again and again, but this time, it's all gone. My strength is sapped. I'm tired. I'm so very goddamn fucking tired. Is that what you want to hear? You want me to finally admit that I'm fucked and at the end of my rope and it's over? Is that what you're waiting for? Well here I am. I'm admitting it. I'll climb on the fucking roof and scream it out loud, YOU WON. You fucking won you son of a bitch. Now will you please please please please please stop fucking with me.

No? Didn't think so.
Well fuck you, then. I take it back. I'm stronger than that, and I'm stronger than this, and I'm stronger than you. Here, this second, I just gave up. Right here, this second - I admit failure, I admit defeat. You got me.

There. Now it's gone. And now I'm gonna come back even stronger and harder. Fuck you, man. Just you wait.
See you tomorrow.

Me

[Absinthe]

Dear Diary,

I hurt so much. I don't want to live like this. I wanted to hurt myself last night, but once again, I couldn't. Third time in what...3...4 years? I guess it's a good thing. Mom would be so devastated she'd probably take her life as well. I couldn't have that.

Chemical imbalances are weird. Why do I have to have one? Why me? Why do I suffer and hurt and cry and feel everything like it's a knife through the heart? I hate being so sensitive, so vulnerable, so moody. I hate who I am and what this makes me.

I'll get help, like I always do. But really...is this going to be my life? Freaking out and going suicidal every year or two when medications stop working? What a waste of a life.

I know "normal" doesn't exist, but that's what I want to be. Take that as either meaning "normal" or "not existing". Either is accurate.

Love,
me

[Bum]

Dear Self:

Please, continue to thrive with passion for art. I know it's hard to stay motivated with everything going on but if you don't get down to business soon, you could ruin your chance of creating something spectacular. If you don't have time to finish a drawing, painting, whatever -- make the time. So get to work on that canvas!

Yours truly.