[contrabandturtlekitty]

I am personally a lil bit insecure with sharing ANYTHING about my life on here(or anywhere literally!) I tend to always end up having a stalker or a person that becomes obsessed with me(i honestly learned about computers and hacking just so that way i feel a lil bit safer about being on the internet) or i have an online love intressed but i dont trust them (cuz duu this is the internet?!?)so in all honesty that's y i said i don't like to talk about my "outside" life other than my hobbies and such. But even though im new on here and i probably shouldnt make my first real "post" or whatever about how right now my life feels like its in a whirlpool but im going to do it cuz right now that's all i keep thinking about...so here goes nothing. ive recently graduated high school even though i turned 20 this year...and since my father passed about 9 years ago ive been secretly fighting my depression and ive been hiding it from my mom and well...this last summer my depression got so bad that i couldnt hide it anymore...and when i asked my mom for help she thought i was just getting cold feet about going to college...and everytime i asked her for help she would just say i didnt have depression even though i kept trying to tell her the only way i could get those words out of my mouth and then she finally caved and said if i really truly thought i had depression then i should go see the doctor...so i got the soonest appointment i could get cause i was to the point i thought about hurting myself every single day at least 2/3 times...i told the doctor this and she called my mother and told her to come down to the doctors office and told my mother to take me to a mental hospital that was an hour away...my mom looked at me extremely pissed off and hurt and upset and didnt say anything to me the whole way there...she wouldnt even look at me...i was terrified....i had just wanted help and i felt like my mother was going to leave me there at that mental hospital and forget that i ever existed...but luckly enough i had told my boyfriend what all was going on and while i was at the mental hospital he came and visited me everyday...he even picked me up when they let me go...my mom visited me once when i was in there...once....and the whole time she was there she was pissed off because my boyfriend was there supporting me...making me laugh and encouraging me....and now that im out...me and my boyfriend are closer than ever while me and my mother....are planets apart...and im trying to bring us closer together....but i partially feel like...its an uphill battle...a week after i was out i only came home twice and my mom wasnt home for ether one of those times...the rest of the time i was staying with my grandma...i just have this sickening feeling recently that things wont get better till im out of the house...but idk if thats the smartest idea now since i cant go to college(cuz of the mental stability)since i need a routine which ive been working on everyday and ive been doing better but with all this...idk what i should do...and to put the cherry on top...idk what to do with my life now that i feel more like...me...i feel like if i put my time into it i could become a writer but id have to work on my grammar ALOT cuz i suck at it obviously...but i also kinda dream about owning a store or a bar one day or that i could create beautiful artworks all the time...but none of those jobs provide stable pay...and thats what i have to worry about is a stable income to pay for the medical bills, car insurance, phonebill, etc.etc...

[Lucid:]

I'm sorry to hear that things aren't great with your mom. :( I'm sure it's really hard for you to not have your mom understand what you're going through. I know for some people it can be a lot of work to really understand depression and how it affects people - that's why you get so many people trying to give horrible advice such as "Did you ever try...being happy?" But, I'm really glad that you have the support of your boyfriend and your grandma. Having people around who love and support you is important, even if your mom isn't one of those people yet. Hopefully she'll learn to let go of her own bitterness and try to understand better what you're going through.

If you want to be a writer, I say go for it! There are so many resources online that you can learn just about anything you want to do as long as you put the time into it. Just like any skill, it just takes a lot of practice. As for owning a store or bar, I think it's totally possible to do that and still have a stable income. It just might not be in your immediate future. One path that most people might not even think of is the fast food industry - If you work hard and rise up to supervisor, assistant manager, eventually manage your own store, you gain a huge amount of experience in running a business and would be able to transition over to opening your own place selling whatever you want. Of course that's not the only way to do it, but it's something to consider.

[contrabandturtlekitty]

thank u lucid and the real kicker about my mom is that she also has depression she just couldn't recognize the signs. also ive been to my therapist with my mom recently and she got alot of understanding out of it and things have been somewhat better. and i am defiantly going for being a writer :3 even if i am uncertain of my skill in writing because i am very bad with grammar :/ and also i was talking alone to my therapist and i told her about how and y my old friends used to call me the therapist and she thinks i should be an actual therapist.

[Lucid:]

Oh man, that's rough for her. I'm glad that she was able to go with you and get some more understanding. That should hopefully help your relationship with her a lot! :)

Just keep studying and practicing, you'll get there. :) You should try and write something for NaNoWriMo coming up.

Oooh, being a therapist would be cool! In college, my campus job was working with the therapy students and making sure they had all the materials they needed, recording their sessions so their professors could review them, etc. Really cool bunch of people. To be licensed though I think it requires a masters degree. A lot of work, but it's really rewarding!

[contrabandturtlekitty]

it requires a bachelor and associates degree to become a licensed therapist and i literatly went in to see her yesterday and i got to talking to her about what all has been going on in my head recently and she looked at me and just kinda smiled and laughed and said that i seemed to have a lot of passion towards psychology, journalism, and therapist. She said i needed to let myself like dive into those passions because i haven't let my self (hardly ever) follow my own passions, instead of letting everyone else kinda push me towards how they want me to be.

[Lucid:]

All right, that's not so hard compared to a master's! When I worked with some of the masters therapy students who were doing their dissertations, it was stressful work. But if that's not a requirement, then even better!

I think she's right that you should definitely follow your passions. Going through life the way everyone else wants you to is no fun at all. :c You'll feel a lot more fulfilled if you do the things that make you happy!

[contrabandturtlekitty]

well i just kinda feel like i should make an update on this:I now have a full time job that doesnt even feel like a job because i get to listen to my OWN music all day :D YEAY! *clears throat* anywho x3 I have yet to even wright the first page of my story because ive never worked full time before and im slowly getting used to it x3 but on the up side im making myself get up like an hour n a half early just so that way im fully awake when i drive and im using that time to write cuz the computer screen light that it emits help to keep u awake (reason u shouldn't watch tv in the dark n turn off ur phone an hour before u plan to sleep x3) and my mother is kinda getting used to me i guess u could say so, so far so good i think :3 but whatever happens i aint going back to how i was n just letting my family walk over me n me just bottling all my "bad" feelings up

[hyjin]

Congrats on getting the job

[Lucid:]

Congratulations! :) That's a great idea, to get up early and use that time to start writing. Feeling productive is super awesome!

[contrabandturtlekitty]

so a lil update is kinda in order cuz my life decided to take a turn for the worst ._. i caught my now xbf cheating on me for a 33year old who has 4 kids,stds, and an arrest record. and recently i forgot he had one of my house keys so i texted him and told him i wanted it back and he said hed get it back to me and we ended up having a conversation that night and his new "gf" decided to leave me 4 texts saying that im a horrible person and that i shouldnt text her bf and that i should pretty much kill myself because im a nut case .-.and i also have this really nice cute guy thats hitting on me at work but 1 giant catch hes MARRIED!! y are the cheaters attracted to me v.v

[Lucid:]

Ugh, what a scumbag. :c I'm sorry that happened to you. I don't even understand why he'd want to cheat on you for someone like that; nasty. I hope you don't let the gf get to you, she sounds crazy.

[hyjin]

1. That woman has no right to talk. She slept with your now xbf even though she has kids already and he was taken.
2. The scumbag xbf deserves to be kicked to the curb for what he as done. Cheating is unforgivable and those that do forgive are blind.
3. The guy that is now hitting on you is creepy.

[contrabandturtlekitty]

Originally Posted by hyjin

1. That woman has no right to talk. She slept with your now xbf even though she has kids already and he was taken.
2. The scumbag xbf deserves to be kicked to the curb for what he as done. Cheating is unforgivable and those that do forgive are blind.
3. The guy that is now hitting on you is creepy.

yea im pretty much back on my feet with it all n sorry for the late response my computer has been down :( but ive pretty much told the guy to back off n ive made it so that my x n his crazy cougar cant get ahold of me or mess with my family so thats that but i'm pretty much getting back into my single groove :3 which is awesome

[Lucid:]

Good for you! Teach me how to get back in the single groove I don't remember and now I just play video games online all day halp. ._______. lol

[contrabandturtlekitty]

lol sure x3 how i do it is that i dive alot more into my hobbies{crotcheting, working on my computer, organizing music,writing} also ive decided to learn calligraphy so thats really helped me is diving into a new hobby. also having a pet is a good way to get into the singles groove and not feel alone. something else thats helped me is that i like old medieval times not the romanticized version the actual one. so diving into books that are about that era and witches and what not has also helped lol :3

[Lucid:]

Ooooh picking up a new hobby should be nice. I've been trying to get back into old hobbies like drawing. And my family has two fluffy puppies that are starting to want to cuddle with me more. <3 But yeah I should totally find a new hobby to spend time on. That's something I kinda wanted to do before I got divorced but never really had the energy to.