[Lost]

< May Contain Mature Themes >

It's been a while since I've put pen to paper, but I'd like to start writing again. I'll be posting some old stuff and some new stuff. Comments are loves and welcomed.

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[Lost]

[ Spotlight ]

[Lost]

[ New Stuff ]

-
If in the end time slips through my fingers and deems it over.
I pray you forgive me, and my last protest into this ever lasting night.
Don't weep for that which can't be changed.
Remember fondly the girl you know nothing about.
Blind to the questions.
Mute to the words.
Let the falseness live on it your memory.

5-22-12

[Lost]

[ Old Stuff ]

Darkness surrounds me
There is no where to turn
I'm lost without you
Yet you were never there
i know now that it was all a dream
and that you never had feelings for me
but i may still beg for your return
for you were the only one to show me love
even if it wasn't true for you
it was for me
I'm dying on the inside and i just wish you could see
all the pain and suffering you cause me
yet my love for you holds true
even though i know it will never be
i still can't control my dreams

-May 05, 2008

you won't see my scars
they aren't really there
they are deep inside
hidden from your sight
for me it is plain to see
they are from you
though you would never know it
you were so blind to how much you hurt me
so blind to my pain
but scars have formed over my wounds
no thanks to you

- June 22, 2008

In my darkness moments my mind turns to you.
I can't understand why, and I know you could care less.
I still care I guess.
My love never faded, never left.
I said goodbye, I was the one to walk away.
But I still feel for you.
I still want to pull you close.
Your birthday is coming up.
Maybe I give you a call.
Its been a few months, maybe we could try again.
Maybe I was wrong to leave you.
But I had my reasons.
I had my means.
You weren't treating me well.
You should have known I wouldn't be your slave forever.
That I wouldn't do what you asked all the time.
I am my own person.
I have my own needs.
I have a will too can't you see?
I left you behind oh so long ago.
but more and more I wonder if i did the right thing.
Should I have stayed, and tried to make it right?
You wouldn't have changed.
Your eyes were closed.
You wouldn't listen.
I tried, I tried, I tried again.
But I failed in the end.
My love for you is not gone.
Each I wonder why I left.
Its so hard to remember why.
Its so hard to remember when there was good too.
You were the only one that ever got through to me.
So why couldn't I get through to you?

- July 08, 2008

Some say I'm just fucked up, others say I'm normal
All I really want is for the voices to stop.
I want to tell the truth, I want you to know
I hate you, I loved him,
He broke me
He almost killed me
He's still there in my heart after he tore it apart
You think I'm perfect, you think I'm grand
But I was falling for another man
After I left I was empty inside
But I kept pushing you farther outside
I let you in once and I was to blame
But even I learn after all that pain
I want to tell them, I what them to know
That I'm really not what they think i am
I hate them for what they do
Can't you see it too
long ago I thought about it once
Almost ended it all there but then she called
Friends, They're always in the way
the thoughts return to me when I think to hard about it
Cutting seems to be a nice thought but I'm to much of a pussy to push down
i can picture how it would feel
that lovely steel
Then there are the voices again
Maybe that day so long ago really did fuck me up
maybe I'm just a slut
so was it daddy that fucked me up?
so i won't touch booze and i won't touch drugs
i have to much to deal with at any rate
He stole it from me
Said he would always be there
said he loved me
it turned out he didn't even care
then there was that joker that played with me a little
said we couldn't date
said he didn't want to hurt me
didn't want to hurt the friendship
then there was that oaf
he wanted something special
that damn boy just wanted to get in my pants
then he would've left
i wasted my life, my time
on those that weren't even worth a dime
that's the sum but that isn't nearly enough
you wouldn't understand my pain my suffering not from this, but maybe from that...

- July 10, 2008

he was my life
my everything
i loved him more then anything
i gave him all of me
anything he could dream
everything in my power to give
it was his
we were distant to say the least
we loved
yet we didn't know who we were
i don't know him
he didn't know me
i let him in
i tried to show
everything i had inside i let him know
i got sick
i got tired
i started to hate
i started to regret
i started to like another
we gave up hope in each other
he treated me bad
i let him
i loved him
i hated him
i still care for him now
after so low
so little matters
he was my life
my everything
he was apart of me
he almost killed me
he left my soul broken and cold
I'm still looking for the pieces
for somewhere to call home
I'm still searching for that someone that makes it all better
that helps me put me back together
but i can't find him
he isn't around
so for know
I'll have to let my wounds form scars
I'll cry another day
I'll smile for now
and I'll pray
that soon someone will love me
that someone will really care
that i won't be used again
that someone will actually be there

- July 10, 2008

is it all a dream?
can i go back and change it?
i liked life better before.
i seemed happy then.
i was happy once
now i can't even seem to smile
let alone get out of bed and go out and have a great day.
i can't get him outta my head
i wish i was dead
my life
my world
its all falling in around me
i don't know how much more i can take
i don't know how long it will be before i break
I'm not loved by anyone
no one would care if i died
these thoughts are returning to me
my depression is in full swing
i think about that knife
it right in reach
i wouldn't have to go far
i can picture the cool steel touching my silky skin
i can see the line of blood follow the blade in a thin cool line
that nice lovely red bringing me down to reality
my life doesn't suck
i can get on with out him
its suddenly easier to breathe
i don't need him
I'll survive
all i need is me
no one else matters
no one else would look after me the way i can
I'm safe
away from him
away from the world
a new life awaits me
happiness can return

- July 11, 2008

Her head falls down
As she looks to the ground
They are laughing again
So she hangs her head
She wants no more of this life
So she picks up her knife
She digs deeper each day
With the steel edge keeping the voices at bay
A small line of blood flows
And she feels like she glows
a sick smile covers her face
She only wanted a taste
The pain covers up something more
For a time that is her cure

- July 19, 2008

I wish deeply for you to know, to understand.
Won't you take a closer look.
I'm not who you think I am
I am a girl, no a woman
I am Different
So Alone in this life
So Forgotten
I am the lost
The confused
The distant
You look at me and she some one else
An unknown figure
Someone thats not me
I am depressed
Destructive
I am the hated
The suffering
I am what so many say they are
But I am Real
I know the meaning of loved and lost
I know the meaning of life is to suffer and then feel better to only suffer again
I know we are different but still so alike
I know you are not me so you could never understand
I know that no matter who you say you are and how you act,
You're just as insecure as i am
No matter what the differences are we are similar
We are alike yet different
We are all one yet many
We all have our own troubles and our own worlds
We all see things differently yet the same
I am me
And you are you
But some how we both belong in this world.
I this life.
Can't you see?

- July 24, 2008



- More To Come -

[Lost]

I'll try to find some newer stuff... and write more
But with that we open and I shall begin to write
Enjoy~
^-^

[Mizeria]

And I'm waiting... And waiting...
What if that day that I'm waiting for never comes?
Will I be lost to time without anything to hold tight to?
Will whats broken ever mend, or will it just break more and more each passing day until there's nothing left of me?
I fall once more to that place.
Utter desire grips my mind.
My lungs tighten.
Its getting harder and harder to breathe.
Then you message me and the world starts spinning again.
The air starts flowing through my lungs again.
There is only hope in you.
Only hope that one day I'll be whole again.
Only hope that there is more to live for then broken promises and broken dreams.
Maybe that's all I need.
Hope.
So I wait and wait.
As the pain consumes me I pray and pray.
Just one final escape.
So I think of that knife and its steel edge.
And I think of the cold that helps me mend.
And I wish for a better way to take away the pain.
And my hope returns with his words and the blood that falls to the floor.
It's a choice I need to make.
Open up to him and hold close to all I have, or drown in the blood of my past.
If I told him would he understand?
Will he forgive me..... Will he care?

- November 02, 2011

[Mizeria]

Monday, June 25, 2012

Thus It Continues On...

Days come and go. Always the same.
On and on the world turns even as the pieces of my life lay on the floor at my feet.
They come and go in a haze.
Time passing slowly.
Will nothing ever change?
Happiness falling short. Always just over that one last hill but so far out of reach.
Please sweet sanity come back to me.
I miss the times when I could sleep soundly. Peacefully. If only for an hour.
Now sleep never comes.
I'm wanting for something more then this boring existence.
Day by day. Hour by hour. Minute by minute.
Time seems to repeat, but only the worst of things.
If only, just once, happiness could be mine.
True, pure happiness.
Love, but not the fake love.

Real love, the kind of legends.
The kind of those damn sappy romances.

I know its crazy to try.
To even think about it.
But we're good, until someone comes along and gives me choices.
We're toxic, but oh so perfect.
I've loved him so long.
He is the only thing I can say that has kept me stable.
The flips are less when he's in my life.
Just apart of it. Even if we're not together.
We're so good, so perfect.
So deadly.

So I sit and I contemplate. The good, the bad, and the boring.
Life as a whole holds no meaning for me anymore.
What keeps me going is that promise, from so long ago.
Eight little words that keep me here.
Grounded.
To this world I hate.
Because that persons tears mean something to me.
More then just, I should feel bad because that is the right thing.
They matter.
They keep me here.
And they don't even know it.

So the minutes pass.
The hours tick by.
And the days drag on into this endless void of nothingness.
As my boring life keeps turning.
'Round in circles I go.
Work, Home, Work, Home.

Life is but a dream
and this dream is nothing but a nightmare
and my nightmares are nothing but false fantasies.
and my fantasies cling to my soul.
As I hope for that one spec of light to show itself again.
That happiness on the horizon...

but it never does.
so the fantasies die and the nightmares raise and rein
In those dreams, those dreams that are life.



Writers Note:

I've been meaning to post this one for a while.
I was sitting at dennys trying to sort through a lot of mixed emotions, and in the end never truly found my answer.