[Coda]

I don't understand how I can know someone for almost 30 years and have them turn out to be such a jerk...

[Espy]

aaaaand here i am again. seriously, self, why can't you just get through undergrad. it's been five fucking years. brain, stop doing the dumb and get it the fuck together.

and is it so weird to want this much personal space in any potential relationship? are all the people who are interested in me, actually that clingy, or is it just me? is what i'm even slightly interested in, a romantic relationship at all? why is being more-or-less ace/aro so difficult and difficult to explain in today's society.

[Potironette]

I'm not a nice person. It's weird because all my life I've basically had a complex where I thought I was a victim of everything and I was too kind and needed to learn to be rude. Now I'm actually learning to make my family unhappy. It's a whole deal less stressful, but I can't claim to be a nice person anymore. I don't know if it's a good or a bad thing. There's this one family member who always tells my mom how everything I do shows that I'm "spoiled" and "bratty." I end up just continuing those behaviors hoping she'll become physically ill from stress. I don't know who it's hurting more.

I don't know, can people be one way with certain family members and be another way with strangers? Being rude to the one family member I dislike has made me a whole deal more comfortable around strangers and everyone else. Weird. But also not weird. I don't want to live my life bowing my head down to seniors now do I? I don't want to live my life "respecting" people if "respect" means nodding my head and smiling to ideas I don't agree with. I don't want to live life as an idiot who can't stand up for myself now do I? Do I have a victim complex? I don't want to have a victim complex :/. Why is it that I'm most productive when I'm angry at someone or something and avoiding said someone or something? Why is it that when I'm not avoiding someone or something out of anger or frustration I seem to be so stagnant? Why is my stream of consciousness all over the place?

All my life, the idea of supportive parents has been pretty foreign to me. As if parents were supportive, hah! Besides, one of them isn't even my birth parent--and they're pretty much a rat that talks about me behind my back (and I can still catch murmurs. No wonder I used to be so shy. Shyness is a form of narcissism isn't it? Thinking that people care enough about you (albeit in a bad way) to hurt you by judging you semi-openly.

But you know what? None of that actually matters. I've always felt like I shouldn't get close to people for some reason, and paired with that that I couldn't get close to people because I didn't know how to be around people. But maybe it isn't that I don't know how to be around people, but that the people I live with aren't people. There are good people at school, and they're kinder than my parents have ever been to me, even if that's just how they treat strangers. Heck, strangers treat me better than my family treats me. I like strangers better than family...do I feel that if I get close to someone they'll turn out like my parents? And if I do that's stupid. Not everyone likes to insult people right to their backs. Not everyone talks behind others' backs to you. And also, there's really no point in just taking it if they do. The more I confront it, the more I learn. To hell with fear about those things. To hell with that stupidly hiding myself behind silence. How far's silence supposed to take me if I don't at least rile the other person up a bit? If I don't at least make them realize there's no point in trying to insult me with words when they know I can hear them but they can't see me?

All my life I've wanted the strength to "be rude" to someone. But I guess what I really wanted was the strength to stand up for myself, and to use words as a sword that acted as an impenetrable shield. I don't want to isolate myself forever and I certainly don't want to get a victim complex over this. And even if I do feel like a victim, who says thinking one's a victim is an excuse for not trying to change?

[Awen Moonshine]

I don't want you anymore... I haven't done for a long time but I just cannot cope anymore... I know I am being selfish but it's time I started some real self care for the first time, but I cannot do that with you in my face every 2 seconds... I cannot do that with you constantly screaming and crying at me, with you constantly demanding so much of me and yet giving nothing back in return... I am not happy here, but I have nowhere else to go... I just want all of this to be gone...

[Den]

So, here we are again, with you being incredibly insensitive despite claiming you "Understand" what I'm going through. I'm sorry I'm not Storm, and that I can't control the weather, and thus cannot control when I have a fucking headache. I'm tempted to just drag you to my therapist with no time to make yourself feel presentable, regardless of how that'd make you feel, but I won't. I'm not as much of an asshole as you seem to think I am.

[Espy]

Yeah okay fuck y'all fuckers. thanks for putting the reputation of the uni ahead of student's literal lives. fuck you. fuck you for not letting me enjoy the school i was so happy to be accepted into, where i've formed so many wonderful friendships and have a loving support network. fuck you for kicking me out. fuck you for suspending me even though i literally told you i might not make it out alive.

sure, i want to go to another school, find a way to succeed despite the voice in my head telling me it's not my college of choice, despite being home with toxic parents and no face-to-face contact with any of my friends. i want to do it just to spite you. i want to do it just to be able to laugh in your face. i want to do so well that you'll want to make me an honorary graduate, and then i can turn you down because i don't give a rat's ass about the reputation that you worship to the extent of ignoring the suicidality of your students.

that's a bad idea. fuck you. i'll do it for myself. i don't need to prove jack shit to you. i just need to prove it to myself.

[Awen Moonshine]

I really hope this mornings blood tests actually come back with some real answers as to why I am so tired all the time as I really can't carry on like this... If I could I would just up and leave until I could sort myself out but that's not really an option is it? I wish we'd never had the child so I wouldn't be stuck here in this crappy situation....

[Tsukimiya]

I feel trapped. I work a call center and the company is great but its just overwhelming kissing customers ass back to back. I actually want to do something. I want a real career but its either call center or minimal wage jobs. I guess its my fault for not taking my high school years seriously...
Spent the first two years getting high and spent the last two years fencing stolen trading cards and causing mayhem. Did not care about school and did not care about college. Did not consider my future.

[Den]

I'm freaking out a bit now that it's sinking in that I've gotten my disability application submitted.

[Potironette]

Sometimes I think I'm so inadequate I might as well die. Like once my childhood is over I'll have to kiss life goodbye. But I like living, so then I think the world will just have to deal with my inadequate self for a bit longer. Actually it's just college making me think that way--well, college and bad body image but still. It's like all my values don't mesh with the world's or something. Like if life were an rpg, I'd have stats scattered in all the wrong places without a perfect 2/3-stats specialization.

[SparX]

I am so sick of this feeling. I am so sick of seeing those around who are supposed to care the most completely ignore me on a daily basis. I am so tired of trying to reach out and engage with others only to have it tossed back in my face as they talk to everyone BUT me. To watch yourself get replaced by others because you just aren't around at the moment. . . I have attempted to show my disdain. I have also attempted to pull back from the situation, truthfully hoping someone would notice and would try to bring me back in. In reality, it shows me the truth I have known all along. I do not belong. It could be on the chat, it could be in person, it can even be here on trisphee sometimes. And the farther along this year gets the more I feel I just need to disappear. Everything goes on fine without me, I have seen it with my own eyes. For weeks I can disappear without even a single person recognizing or acknowledging my absence. Seeing this only drives me deeper into myself, into the black poison of my own self-degrading thoughts. I really just don't know how much more I can take. I don't know how much longer I can be around this, and worse is that THIS is my entire life, from internet to real world. . . there is hardly any difference in the words and actions being said and done, only the faces and voices they are being said and done by.

[SparX]

It's the new year. Not only is my body wracked with pain from endo, but I also found out my husband has apparently been talking to a cam girl from snapchat for a few months, and got scammed when he sent her personal items. This all started because I begged him to get into something kinky with me or at least look at other women for us to think about together. So he decided to get premium snapchats of girls. I told him he didn't have to pay for it he can get it for free offline. This was springish. The last response I found was from the end of November.
Instead he tried to talk to her, even asking for her to get on snap or kik.
I am not sure how upset to be, and besides this post have told only one person about this situation. We will be married 6 years come February. . .
I am more hurt then mad. I am generally an aggressive person, known to possibly fly off the handle at times. I can't even bring myself to cry right now.
I already feel terrible about myself and how I look. At best I feel I am average, and have gained 30 lbs more then I have ever been in my life. I hate being in my own skin daily, and here comes this. Is it because I asked for it? Is it because I begged him to go outside of his comfort zone? And how would outside of his comfort zone lead to this? He sent her personal items for fucks sake. . . and he doesn't even know her real name.
These past few months have been hard for me mentally and they just seem to get deeper and deeper. Some days it is hard to pull myself out enough to function. . . and now I have to function with this on my mind?. . .

[KittyBeary]

Originally Posted by Den

I wish you could understand just how difficult making phone calls is for me, and just how badly anxiety affects me. I know you get how depression can affect someone, from your own experiences, but you really don't get just how integrated into everything I do each day anxiety has become. It's gotten to the point where I'd rather walk into places to make appointments, and that's even a bit triggering for me at times. I don't like being this way, and I wish to high heaven that I wasn't this way.

I hate making phone calls and I try to avoid it as best I can. D: Idk why it used to not bother me much as a kid/teen, but now for some reason I would rather watch paint dry than make a phone call. ;_; Or answer calls... unless it's my family.

[bluebird]

forgive me father for I have sinned.

TWAS I WHO ATE THE PICKLED PLUM FROM THE FRIDGE
i'll replace it tho
or should i dig up old grudges and past favors
textbook ethical dilemma. jk.
in the 0.000001% chance you're reading this
uh
it wasn't me.
maybe it took a walk
and it will return tomorrow morning.

[BlueInTheShell]

My health is going down rapidly, and I have no real desire to take care of myself. I just kinda wanna wither away because fuck it, why not?

[SparX]

I feel so. . .blank.
I am not here, I am not anywhere. I am unsure if I am existing, or going through motions like a machine.
I have attempted to reach out to different people in the past few weeks. Maybe a new perspective would benefit me? But no, rather it shows me a new perspective of how the world is, when no one acknowledges a word. It's quite odd. As of late it seems I can scream and cry and literally plead for help and yet. . .* Yet no one does a thing.
They say all you need to do is ask. . . Well I have asked, I have pleaded, I have yelled and yammered until my mental voice cannot scream anymore.
If everyone else is struggling to swim, why would I expect them to help me from drowning. . .