[gremlin]

Just seems like he's trying to make you feel lesser than your sister. He probably even wants her to outshine you. Which is pretty fucked up for a father to do. You should love your child for who they are and accept whatever they choose to do in their life. Not make a plan for them and once they turn down another road remind them of what you wanted constantly... guilt-trip them. That really pisses me off.

Next time say "I could have played, but I didn't want to. Do you even know what I'm good at? Do you want to know?" say it in front of his friends as well, co-workers, whoever. It will embarrass the shit out of him and he will probably try to play it cool or he will shut up.

[MuseSick]

I've done that..
I ended up getting smacked in the back of the head and grounded.. All because I started crying infront of his friends.
Saying that he tells everyone that..
That he tells them things I could have been great at..
But not the things I am good at..

When they left I got a smack, and yelled at.
I mean... There isn't any winning..
That's why as soon as I can..
I'm leaving..
Even if it's to school..
I'm applying to the furthest possible place..
Maybe a school in Alaska..
Just so I can say "Sorry don't feel like the flight home." and not come..

[gremlin]

You could always just go to another province, at least 6 hours away. That would stop them from wanting to visit and you could have a fresh start.

I'm sorry that you have to live with that. If I was were you are, and saw your farther, I would ring his fucking neck. You never touch anyone like that. Woman or not. It's so god damn disrespectful, who does he think he is? Some big tough guy hitting his fucking daughter.

[MuseSick]

It's because it's how he was raised.
I wake up every morning.. he is home before 8.
Even though I have insomnia, because when he was a kid that's how THEY did things.
He thinks abuse is okay because he was abused.
Getting hit isn't even the worse part..
Although him hitting me is what leads to my brain rattling in my head when I run for longer than a minuet, and it's what leads to me vomiting and my fear of people basically.. It's what's gotten me such awful headaches, that I lay on the tile floor wishing I could vomit..

It's the look.. The principal of it all.. T

But.. Just because it's wrong doesn't mean it doesn't happen..

Are you hinting at Quebec? (It's only like a 4 hour drive)

[MuseSick]

And.. 6 hours away wouldn't do..
My sister's university is 7 or 8..
And we visit her all the time.. -frowns-

[gremlin]

Hurm?
Are you bulimic?
Please don't do that to yourself....
or do you mean that he strikes you so hard that you become sick?

[MuseSick]

I don't have an eating disorder..
But he strikes me so hard, and the more I think about him hitting me.. The more i want to puke..
When I get scared.. or when I cry.. I throw up..
I have anxiety attacks.. That make me hyperventilate, cry, and on some occasions throw up..
Even if my Mum yell's at me.. I throw up..

But my brain get's so rattled it's like.. Being sick and eating a Banana, but not chewing it properly..
So when you throw up.. it's hard to get it out. Or stop..
So your breathing is constricted and you can't puke or breathe.

[gremlin]

You should really get out of there as soon as you can, maybe you could stay with a friend, get a job and help pay while you live the. Or something... anything is better than staying in such an environment. If I had the money, and my own home. You would be here right now.

[MuseSick]

I tried getting a job this summer..
But the only place that would hire at 15 is my Mum's work, and I didn't want to work there.. I know I should have standards.. I could have had a couple of grand by now..
But.. I couldn't stand being in her building with her..
So- I have to wait till I'm 16..
And I don't have very good friends..
I mean I've got one..
But sometimes.. I can't stand to be in the same room as her..
Because she's betrayed me before..
and this is back when I was too forgiving..
and junk.
So we've been friends.. for nearly 6 years now?
But yeah..
I wouldn't live with her..
I'm scared to death to even talk to her about it..
I always feel like I'm boring someone..
When I talk about myself, or my home life..
With the mixture of my Mum telling me to keep my feelings to myself, write them in a book, something, as long as I tell no one, ever..
It's hard..

[gremlin]

You need to try to reach out to other people around you. Try to be more friendly at school and open-minded. I don't know... expand your horizon but also stay true to yourself. What are you good at? Intruments, art?
You could become known at school for those talents. <3

[MuseSick]

Oh.. I am very friendly and open at school.
That's the thing.. I'm just very good at hiding home life and stuff.
But being told for.. majority of my life to keep things to myself, and normal people don't feel that way.
Not to mention the times I've tried to tell friends.. Face to face.
They've been too busy, have their own problems, or give me the a-okay to talk but turn around and changed the subject to them or something else. Or they tell me nevermind they don't want to hear about that..
So I eventually get tiered of opening up.. Or trying to. Because I've never had someone in real life listen..
The only one who ever listens to me is Alan..But I've never met him..
Alan and Chris..
Never met either of them. But they're friends in real life.
They always listen. They're the best friends I've got.
But as for school- I'm well known for my saxaphone, guitar, and singing abilities.
People know I can do it. I've had people ask me at Transit Bus stops to sing for them.. But..
I've got friends..
They're just not people I'd consider real close friends.
They're people to pass the time.

[gremlin]

You should enter in as many talent shows as you can. Show people what you're capable of. Invite your parents, show them that despite not doing what they wanted you to do, you have your own thing and it's even better. Maybe it will open up their minds a bit, it could be a good thing. If they don't want to come just say "Alright, you're missing a great show. Too bad that you will never take any interest in what I'm good at."

Your friends might do that because they feel uncomfortable with talking about certain things. Like your father's abusive behaviour. They might not know how to feel, they probably feel sick when they hear about it ( like... no one should be treated like that ), but they don't quite know what to say or how to help you so they change the subject.

[gremlin]

I'm really sorry that I can't do anything to help you. I feel useless. Reading about all of the shit that they do to you... you shouldn't be treated like that, it actually makes me want to cry.

[MuseSick]

See- The sad thing is is I know that's not why they do it. I don't even bring up the Abuse.. To really ANYONE. I never have. Because if it makes me uncontrollably sobb, I doubt it makes anyone else feel good either. But I've just ASKED if we can talk, because I need someone to talk to and have been turned down.
One of them- the only case where she gave me permission but turned around and took it back was not to long ago.
I was home alone for the weekend and I was miserable.. To the point where I skyped her, with a blow dryer plugged in and bath water running.. Because I was at that breaking point..
I started talking about how I was disappoint that I don't get to know people like I used to and how I've felt like I've made nothing but crappy friends. (She knew this was not including her.. It does NOW, she's a shitty friend. but, before of course, yeah.)
She told me to stop, she had her own friend issues and didn't want to hear it, and she told me to shut up and hung up on me.
Meanwhile I asked first thing "i can talk about ANYTHING?" she said I could..
and she let me down.
I almost get tiered of being the better friend a lot of the time..
I'm always there for them, every waking moment of the day..
Then when I turn around and need somebody to lean on, it's like they've all suddenly decided "FUCK YOU" and left.

[MuseSick]

Neirra don't cry.
Shit happens.
I mean it makes me who I am.
It's stuff I've lived with every waking moment.
It's not going away, and I can't run from it.
But I'm okay with that.
There are worse thing's that could happen.
And you're helping..
I mean.. I haven't told many people anything like this..
You're helping just by listening.
And keeping me talking.

-hugs- Thank you Nerria.

[gremlin]

Then they're not worth you're time, I mean... continue to be nice to them and all but maybe you should allow yourself to slowly drift away from them. You need someone to talk to, whenever. Real friends would listen and help you... not do that. I've never had anyone do that to me. I'll talk to you, if you ever want to talk about personal things that you don't feel comfortable with posting here, send a PM my way. I really don't mind.

And I can't help but want to cry. I hate feeling helpless, I know that by comforting you and talking to you... that's helping. But I can't physically hug you and be there for you. I would let you live with me within seconds if it were possible.