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Glitch Glitch is offline
Pixels
Default A story I wrote for class ll PG18 warning   #1  
Pg 18 warning I suppose? I'm not good at warnings. xp

I wrote this for my fiction class this year~ I hate the ending. I have no idea how to end it. I wouldn't mind suggestions. :> It sucks right now so I mean, anything would make it better.





Old Posted 05-12-2011, 12:31 PM Reply With Quote  
Default   #2   Suzerain of Sheol Suzerain of Sheol is offline
Desolation Denizen
Okay, I read it.

I'll say one thing right away in your favor: Your spelling and grammar are competent. Reading this wasn't an exercise in wanting to gouge my eyes out at the number of errors. Good job. Seriously, I know it sounds ridiculous, but it's honestly surprising to see in creative writing I've found online.

Other than that, part of me wants to say that Mark is a really shallow character, only... he reminds me a lot of someone I knew in high school, so, maybe he's actually realistic.

As for the characters, I'll admit I'm not a very good judge of this sort of situation. They both seem really superficial and impulsive, but I have the feeling that's kind of the point. So, take that for what you will.

There are problems with the story, but rather than go through and make an extensive list of them, I can tell you instead what will fix most of them:

Show, don't tell.

It's the writer's mantra, the simplest truth of good writing. If you look at your story here, it's written in the fashion "They did this, then they did this, she felt this way," and so on. What this does is prevent the reader from really getting into the story.

So, what you need to work on is immersing the reader in the story, and you do this by showing them what's going on, rather than just listing it off. Put them inside of Natalie's head and let them feel what she feels. Give sensory details, like what she sees or smells, rather than just describing how she reacts to situations. Try and hint at things, rather than just say them outright.

I'll admit, this is really difficult, but if you work at it, you'll get better. And it might be kind of hard to understand what I mean. If you need help, let me know, and I can try messing around with a section of this (with your permission) to try and show you what I mean.

Anyway, before this drags on to long, the other main issue is pacing. You need to go through and look at how much time passes in-story for the various scenes, compared to how long they are on the page. The relationship between those two factors is going to determine a lot about how a scene feels. Some of them feel rushed, while others seem a bit drawn out. Try and strike a balance, but above all, be consistent, so the story seems to flow naturally, not speed up and slow down.

The last thing I'll mention is dialogue. I thought some of it sounded a bit unnatural. The best advice I have for this, given how "real" this story is, just think through it as though you were having a conversation. Think about what you would say if you were these people. Or, alternatively, go look at what you have and ask yourself if you'd ever say that, in that particular way. A lot of the time, it's just a word or two making the dialogue feel off, so just be thorough and stick with it. It's something that can be improved with practice, you'll get an ear for it if you do it enough.

So, there you have it. I can't think of much else that you're doing wrong. Those points go in order of importance, so the telling over showing issue is the biggest one. It's also one of the hardest things to get right, unfortunately. But give it a shot, even if it isn't perfect, anything moving towards that will be a step in the right direction.

Let me know if you have any questions, or need help with anything else.

Oh, wait, that's right, the ending, you wanted help with that. My advice? You haven't actually had any "action" in the story, just building tensions, so work in some kind of climax (it doesn't have to be anything crazy or flashy, just something to finish the story-arc.) Give the audience some kind of closure and a payoff for the time they invested in reading the story. Right now, you just kind of leave it hanging.
Cold silence has a tendency
to atrophy any sense of compassion
between supposed lovers.
Between supposed brothers.
Old Posted 05-19-2011, 09:27 AM Reply With Quote  
Glitch Glitch is offline
Pixels
Default   #3  
Ya I asked my class mates for help on the ending and the best they came up with was, "have him show up in a furry suit!" XP I will give a more comprehensive reply after work. ^_^ Thank you very much!!




Old Posted 05-19-2011, 11:54 AM Reply With Quote  
Default   #4   Suzerain of Sheol Suzerain of Sheol is offline
Desolation Denizen
Sure, my pleasure. :)

Also, out of curiosity, what kind of class is this for? I took intro to writing and advanced writing at community college, but I didn't really get much out of those classes. I'm hoping my university has some higher-level writing classes that give better feedback.
Cold silence has a tendency
to atrophy any sense of compassion
between supposed lovers.
Between supposed brothers.
Old Posted 05-19-2011, 12:08 PM Reply With Quote  
CupcakeDolly CupcakeDolly is offline
Wayward Victorian Doll
Default   #5  
Once again, Suzerain has the best advice. Some parts don't seem to be as significant to the story or characterization and go on for longer than they need to, and it has a kind of choppy flow that could be easily fixed by merging shorter sentences together. And like Suzerain said, "showing" what happens in the story has a better effect than straight-up telling it. It seems like Natalie finding out that Mark had been looking for somebody else is supposed to be your climax, so you should definitely put more emphasis on it.

As for the ending, I'd personally like to see Natalie moving on and finding happiness while Mark goes on to be alone and miserable, but that might be something that's been done too many times before. Of course it's always up to you. =P
Old Posted 05-20-2011, 04:59 AM Reply With Quote  
Default   #6   Glitch Glitch is offline
Pixels
Thank you for the advise too cupcake :)

I am conflicted on the bits of story. I have the overall "there's more than you need" but the responses i got for it are divided on liking the choppy verses not.

It was my fiction writing 306 class. Next semester I'll be in Fiction 40something. I'm terrible at fiction xp nonfiction writing is where it's at <3




Old Posted 05-21-2011, 11:28 PM Reply With Quote  
Suzerain of Sheol Suzerain of Sheol is offline
Desolation Denizen
Default   #7  
Oh, I just finished a similar class, myself. Didn't learn a thing, but at least it gave me some practice.

And, yeah, the biggest thing to work on is working emotion into the story -- as in, making the audience feel something for the characters. Getting inside her head more will definitely help with that.
Cold silence has a tendency
to atrophy any sense of compassion
between supposed lovers.
Between supposed brothers.
Old Posted 05-22-2011, 08:44 AM Reply With Quote  
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