[Kali_Namir]

There may be Mature content...

So, a long time ago, roughly 8 years ago, I started writing random poems in class. Well I thought I would post them here, maybe get some critique on them, and just maybe, I'll get back in the swing of tossing random ones out there when it hits. Who knows. They are really old and there are quite a few of them, keep in mind that I know they suck, but constructive criticism is welcomed.

Either way...I'll be posting them one per day, I hope that's okay. If it's not let me know and I'll edit them into multiple per post.

PS. These are kind of dark...

[Kali_Namir]

Sad, Sick, And Twisted.

I watch as you take him
my chance falling fast,
I see as you steal him
from my grasp.

You know that I like him
yet you don't seem to care,
you know I've got a chance with him
yet you leave me none but Emo Bear.

I take the Bear's treasure
and feed it through my arm,
the pain is my pleasure
it shall do me no harm.

As the blood starts to run
the tears start to fall,
you stole away my fun
and that is not all.

When I rip the treasure
out of my arm,
I fell the pleasure
it has done harm.

The sickness of your plan
and the sadness of your lie,
you know that I can
and do wish you would DIE.

You took away
what made me happy,
and everyday
your attitude is crappy.

Just because your life sucks
doesn't give you the right,
I've got some good luck
and I WILL PUT UP A FIGHT.

Thanks to you
I write this poem,
and thanks to you
it's sad, sick, and twisted.

[Kali_Namir]

Lost

You left me in
my room of tears,
to find a place
that's full of fears.

You left me where
I would be free,
but in that place
there is a fee.

You left me here
and now I'm lost,
and I did not
know the cost.

Thanks to you
I'll never be found,
and thanks to you
I can't make a sound.

[Kali_Namir]

The Show

The happiness I felt
as I watched them start to bleed,
these scars they will not heal
nor will they all recede.

I watched the blood fall
as the curtain starts to rise,
I feel my heart break
as all hope dies.

The pain I feel inside
as I watch the blood fall,
will not go away
just like the writing on the wall.

The show is starting now
as the droplets form a pool,
if you think you know the story
then you really are a fool.

It's all about a girl
who would much rather die,
then live her own life
knowing it was all just a lie.

When the curtain finally falls
everyone starts to leave,
but by then I can
no longer deceive.

I see the funeral
there's really no one there,
I see my family
are they the only ones who care?

I hated my life
but I lived it through,
for what it's worth
all I wanted was you.....

[Kali_Namir]

Tears

Tears are like
a bittersweet rain,
they fall for love
and they fall for pain.

My tears they fall
because the pain is so great,
my tears they fall
because of the hate.

The pain it comes
and the pain it goes,
almost like the sun
when it starts to snow.

The snow it melts
and turns into water,
the water then leaves
as the days get hotter.

As the days grow hotter
the more we have pain,
as we wish for a breeze
or a drop of rain.

The clouds they come
like the sky is in pain,
and that is how tears
are like a bittersweet rain.

[Rigel]

The subject matter isn't bad. I love poetry, and reading over yours was, if not fun, interesting enough.

I feel that you're letting yourself be restricted by rhyming patterns. Do you write free verse at all? Consistent rhyme may be your preferred style, but I think that someone with thoughts such as yours would benefit greatly from deviation.

When I write, I let the words guide themselves. It's a remarkable feeling when you stop worrying about finding rhyming words and start pouring your feelings onto paper/your screen/etc uninhibited.

[Kali_Namir]

That's the way it ends up coming out...i end up rhyming when I'm simply speaking. It's odd. And I'm not very good at all at free verse...lols!

[Suzerain of Sheol]

Kali, I'll tell you something my poetry professor used to tell a lot of people in class. (Now, imagine this coming from a highly cultured and sophisticated Englishwoman ;) ) "I want to see you breathe as a poet! Free yourself from the shackles of rhyme! Soar!" A lot of people were reluctant to try new styles of poetry, but they were almost always proud of what they came up with when they did, and it also tended to bring out some really creative material. Even if you explore different kinds of form, there's room to expand and find yourself as a poet.

And I also can really feel a lot of emotion in your poems. They're very clearly written for a specific purpose, and you rely on some "easy" imagery in places, but there's something about them that demands being listened to. If you want to challenge yourself, though, try to bring forth the same ideas without falling back on stuff like "pain", "blood", and so on. I think it could really set your work apart. :)

[Kali_Namir]

Lols. I'll keep that in mind, although there probably won't be a new one for a while, I'm still posting all my old ones from roughly 4-8 years ago...

[Kali_Namir]

Why

Why do I feel this way
why do I hate each day,
why does my heart never say
that everything will be okay.

Why is this pain with me
why won't it leave me be,
why can't my eyes see
that you will not deceive.

Why can't I leave the past
why am I always the last,
why is my life going by so fast
that I'm no longer part of the cast.

Why is my life going by
why is it all I can do is sigh,
why do I wish I could fly
then fall into the ground and die.

Why is it that all I feel is dead
why is it that I can't listen to my head,
why is it that I can hear things being said
but all I see is an empty bed.