[Den]

it's not supposed to be this fucking cold in the middle of APRIL.

[Stabbsworth]

Originally Posted by Den

it's not supposed to be this fucking cold in the middle of APRIL.

i was thinking a week or so ago that i wasn't supposed to be sweating in bed in april.

crikey.

also tfw you enter a salt tag for a specific showrunner, only to find that he may or may not have a role lined up for a known transphobe, after making a transfem character in a previous special for that show. god damn it.

[Kaderin Triste]

Really want to scream about the hypocrisy of bosses. Like, I get where my boss is coming from,but also, like....aagh!

So today we're a little short staffed, but I needed to run a book cart down to the basement so it isn't in the way. My next on the clock off-desk time isn't until like 3 or 4pm. So my logic is: at last 5-10 min of shift, run cart down to basement (and like, I was literally gone probably less than 2 minutes. very quick) so cart isn't in the way for the next 3ish hours, then run back up.
So I run cart down to basement, literally run back up the stairs and boss is all "you need to do that in your off desk time, (insert coworker here) got really busy while you were gone"
She had 1 person waiting in line as she checked 1 other person out. Not really what I'd call busy...
And like, okay sure, there's no one to use as backup for phone calls (other than literally 2 people at the reference desk), and no backup for the pickup window for a couple minutes, but would she say the same thing if I had run down to the bathroom? What if waiting until off desk time means someone ends up peeing their pants or something? Still gonna say the same thing, save it for your off desk time? (Yeah, that's kind of an extreme example, but still.)
And I know damn well if I left my cart sitting there, she'd complain about me leaving it lying around. Ugh.

I mean overall, she's a great boss, but when she's in a bad mood, it's suddenly everyone's problem and it drives me nuts.

[Stabbsworth]

self harm cw

ended up hurting myself again after promising myself that i wouldn't. one of those days. probably ought to get some dressing on the wound but it's scabbed up now, just the skin being a bit sore. before anyone worries, it's superficial, about as bad as a cat scratch, welts and all.

anyways, if my brother wakes me up to demand for my help in something again, i swear to god.

is it any surprise as to why i fucking snapped at him? i don't like phone calls, and he calls me up, on my mobile phone, to demand for my fucking help, because CLEARLY i'd know what to do on a fucking ESA form despite the fact that Universal Credit sick benefits are different from ESA. ESA is the old system. I'm on the newer fucking system.

'oh, you know what to do, you're going to let us go fucking poor and we'll lose the house'.

i only barely remember shit because my memory frequently fails when i'm getting fucking yelled at, but apparently he was talking to me normally (that is, without an ounce of respect and demanding that the world bow to him, and why am i sleeping at this time of day [roughly lunchtime] because my sleeping schedule should be normal as i am clearly normal and not at all like him).

is it any wonder, then, that i turned to making art on my own skin? i'll fill the cracks with pyrite. it's not like he'd care, after all. he's worse off, clearly, and that makes him justified in fucking yelling at me and abusing everyone around him to get what he wants.

i'm too scared to even step foot in my childhood home that i'll be inheriting eventually. even if it's to go and see if my cat is still alive because semilina is dead now and it's coming up to that time where she died (mid-summer, July 2nd, 2023.)

i can't escape from this. when will i become a diamond? i was always destined to distort.

[Biomecha]

Still have no power since the hurricane. And after already dealing with a week without it from the derecho a couple of months ago.

Too hot to sleep.

Sound of generators all around drilling into my head.

Some pine trees were knocked down, but at least didn't fall on the house this time.

[Stabbsworth]

KOSA potentially going through, my dad getting drunk during working hours and telling me i need to fix my attitude after repeating myself that yes, i will be coming up to mum's house with him THRICE, and in general being goddamn terrified of fuckin everything involving the future.

probably going to move back in with my shitty older brother and mother, then see about getting my own place with a couple people. worst comes to worst, i can probably look for roommates on dating sites.

[Yokuutsu]

Right now, Verizon support is testing my sanity and how much I actually want a cell phone at this point.

[Kory]

I'm struggling with social security right now...
Basically, they want to lower my payments but I NEED the money to pay for my rent.

[Coda]

I lost my job... *sigh*

They didn't specifically say why they were firing me, but I'm pretty sure that I was the scapegoat for a project being so far behind schedule.

They had given me a list of things that they wanted me to do better on, and I was like, "yeah, of course I can do that, the only reason I was struggling before was because I had to do both an engineering job and a management job at the same time, and now we've hired someone to do the management job, so you're just asking me to do what I would have done anyway."

And sure enough, I did exactly what they asked. It wasn't even hard. But nothing I could have done would have solved all of the complications that my team had been facing.

My manager is pissed. They didn't consult him at all. And now my team has to try to finish the project without their most experienced engineer.

The head of the infrastructure team is also pissed. I was one of the most tenured people at the company and I knew more behind-the-scenes details about the product than all but a handful of people. Losing me like this made his job that much harder because I was the one that was most likely to provide that background information, and now that I'm gone they've lost a lot of institutional knowledge.

Fortunately for me, I had a lot of vacation time stockpiled and they gave me a severance package on top of that, so I have plenty of runway to find a new job before I start having financial difficulties... but ugh, I really liked that job. It was the best job I'd ever had -- I felt like I was making a difference, I felt like my managers and coworkers actually recognized the value I brought, I felt like I was actually invested in the product enough to be proud of what we as a team were able to create.

[Stabbsworth]

> move back in with my older brother and mother
> get nearly constant bollockings about the internet until the new box arrives
> decide not to bother using the new box
> brother discusses a topic involving trans people being forced to go through sex ed by the government
> says that it's betraying the mother to choose to be another gender
> man
> lose my temper at him because he doesn't understand
> why would he understand?
> he's not trans. he doesn't understand the constant fear of being hatecrimed because my dad can't keep his gob shut about me wanting to be called percival
> he doesn't understand the constant fear of every single member of the family turning on you because you're trans and the politicians equate being trans to being a pedophile
> my dad allows me to spend the night over at his
> tell my brother it's bc i want to do some uploading
> want out want out want out want out want out

[Coda]

I don't remember job hunting being this fatiguing... maybe it's just because it's been eight years since I had to put actual effort into a search -- when I got downsized from my job before this last one, I had a recruiter snatch me up right away.