[Epic Rave Monster]

I've never had a great life. Sure, I've had some good times. But even as a child, I wanted to run away because my dad is an abusive control freak. I didn't want to live, but those feelings became even worst when my boyfriend died. I was depressed for years. Crying almost every day. It got so bad that I started to cut myself.

I've moved on, but I'll never forget him.

Right now, I'm struggling through homework. I've been home schooled all my life. My mom didn't want me to go to a public school in fear of me and my siblings being attacked. (Even if I didn't go there, I still got attacked, and bullied online.) She suddenly gets us doing Penn Foster, and expects us to get it done, after years of not doing it. And that's difficult to do. I feel like I have to constantly be motivated, and not much motivates me. Not even thoughts about the future. What I have been thinking about is..

"School is pointless. We learn a bunch of stuff we don't even need to know, like all these different ways of doing math. I'm gonna die soon. So what's the point of studying? It's a waste of time."

"I don't want to work my ass off to get a job I won't like. I want to live in nature and be happy!"

"I don't want to die. I just wish this world was a better place.. That's not going to happen."

"I'm constantly depressed. Who even wants that around?"

It's also really difficult for me to remember things. Often times, I find myself reading through the pages, and it doesn't stick with me. It feels like I'm reading a blank page. It's also very difficult for me to focus.. even reading one page.

I'm not trying to make excuses. I want it to be done with. I just think it should have been over with already. (I'm twenty-two.)

I want to talk to my mom, but she wouldn't understand how I feel. I can't go to a therapist because they cost a lot of money. If I call a therapist, they couldn't help me, and then they'd tell me to see a real one. If my friends can't help me, how can they?

I don't know why I'm typing this right now.. I'm just hoping someone can turn things around. If it was an easy fix, the problem would have been solved years ago.

I guess I'm just wondering.. how can I get my mind to properly work again? Are there some pills I can take or something? Maybe there's vitamins.. Not for my depression, but to increase my memory. I don't want to take anti-depressants to force me to be "happy." That's not real happiness. And it has a lot of bad side effects.

I don't want to live anymore. But if I decide to stay alive, I really need to get this home work done, or else I'm gonna end up on the streets. And I'd rather die than be raped and beaten to death.

I could live with my dad.. (My parents are divorced now.) But he's one of the reasons why I wasn't happy. He's really controlling, and I couldn't be with who I wanted to be with, because he's a homophobe.

There are lots of reasons why I want to die:
1. Mom wouldn't have to pay as much money anymore, and I won't be a burden.
2. I'm so sick of how people have become. Abusing people and such. The world is so cruel.. And if I were to take someone else's life, there would be more of them around. So it would be easier if I just died..
3. I've been feeling lonely all my life. I want this feeling to end.
4. I can finally be at peace.

And please don't say that it's selfish. I'm not doing it to hurt people. I would love if people didn't care that I died. I'm here to get help, not to be judged. I know that people love me. I just don't think me dying is a big deal. It's not like I contribute much..

[Epic Rave Monster]

By the way.. I have until October to get my homework done. I've got a long way to go.

I would like to live with a friend.. but most of them are young and still live with their parents. And even if I were, eventually they would want me to get a job, and it's really difficult getting a job without a high school diploma.. I feel like no matter what I do, I'm going to be a burden..

[Mizeria]

Hey Epic,

There are a lot of things in Life that make it worth living. I'm not saying this from the prospective of someone that enjoys life. (I was never the happy person and have come to terms with my depression)

I have fought through my depression, but it still haunts me. You're not alone. Everywhere you turn without realizing it there is probably someone else that feels lost and ready to be done with it all.

I almost killed myself at 11. That was over ten years ago now. I'm dealing with my depression and suicidal thoughts without the help of pills, and its HARD. That's not saying you can't do it but you need to believe that its what you want before it will really feel like things are getting better. You need someone or something to live for. One person to start, and then more. Don't place the hope of your life in one persons hands unless its your own because then you'll be sent right back down to the bottomless pit you feel like your sinking into if something happens to that one person.

It's all a state of mind. If you believe that you can't fix things, you won't be able to. If you believe that you can fix things and fight your depression you'll be able to find the strength to do so. I was dead set against pills. So I figured out which thoughts in my head came from the depression (example: "No one would miss me if I was dead") I knew this to be a lie. I can count a number of people that would be greatly effected if I died. Once I figured out how to tell which thoughts were false I fought my depression with logic. Which is a lot harder then it sounds. It took my all my school years to figure out a way to do this. (so almost eight years)
Its not all foolproof. I still get pretty low and start walking that wire in the sky. One push from death and one hand away from life, but once you know how to fight it things seem a little easier.

In my opinion, life is worth living. Even with all the issues I have and the depression that haunts me there is a reason for everything. I'm lucky to be alive, and so are you. There are people dying everyday that wish they could have more time. Wouldn't it be wrong to waste our time when its such a precious thing?

You could always try to talk to your mom, but that's your choice. I told my mother and she responded with "You just don't pray enough. Trust in God and he will make everything right." ...needless to say, that was not helpful. (For one, I don't believe in god. Two, she has ignored the matter since)
My father knows to, and he doesn't know what to do to help. I know by telling him I've worried him, but he tries to understand and help. I don't know you or your family, so that really depends on how you think your mother would handle it. If there's a chance for something positive to come out of it it might be worth telling her.

Now, I don't know what type of schooling your talking about, but your 22. Can you get a job, and then your own place? I wouldn't think of going to your dads, if I were you. Why is your mom forcing more school on you? Have you told her your thoughts on everything(school wise)?


With the memory side, take notes. If there's a packet or booklet highlight important things that you can go back and skim for future reference? I went to public school/college and actually never really had a problem with learning. So I was lucky in that regard. If there is more then one thing you have to do (like, math and history or whatever) take an hour on math and then move over to history for an hour. Looking at the same material for to long can make it harder to learn. Its like when your driving and there's a road block up. You wouldn't wait for them to fix a road you would find another way around. Maybe just changing things up would help a little. Once you get through the material you could make flash cards, or even make them while reading. But that all depends on the person. I'll try to think of more things, but its been a while since I was in school myself.

My thoughts on your reasons;

1. Mom wouldn't have to pay as much money anymore, and I won't be a burden.
- Find a job, or work hard around the house to show you don't want to be a burden. I'm sure she doesn't see you as one, but I also understand the feeling. You don't have to die to help your mother out and be less of a hardship.

2. I'm so sick of how people have become. Abusing people and such. The world is so cruel.. And if I were to take someone elses' life, there would be more of them around. So it would be easier if I just died..
- The world is filled with good and bad. To change the world you would aim to become someone that has the power to make a difference. (a cop, a lawyer etc/) there are also different groups for different things (world peace) How can we ever hope to change the world if we don't actively try to?

3. I've been feeling lonely all my life. I want this feeling to end.
-Loneliness is one of the worst feelings ever. Your alone even though your in a room full of people. The world over flowing with others that share this feeling and yet nothing seems to lessen it. Right?
My salvation was in the hands of someone else, so I'm not sure if I can help you with this one. I'm never alone, because I know just a text away is a man that loves me with every fiber of his being. BUT he's not the only one that has helped me through all the bad things in my life.
A couple close friends would help you. You don't even need that many. (To be honest, I got through most my life with one or two. Even now I only have a handful of "Close Friends")


4. I can finally be at peace.
- Life is only what you make it. You could be at peace now, you'd just have to want it and work for it. Yes, it will be hard but you can do anything you put your mind to. "Peace" is ill-defined so that's the best I can do with that one without knowing more of what you mean.

[Coda]

Modern antidepressants aren't "happy pills." They don't function by forcing you to be happy and upbeat all the time. What they do is interfere with the negative feedback loop that makes the depressive episodes so bad -- basically, they help avoid "feeling bad that you feel bad" or "I'm so depressed that I can't do anything to get better." They keep you from getting into the worst of it so that you can learn how to make the most of the rest of your life.

There may be valid reasons that someone might not want to take antidepressants, but "artificial happiness" isn't one of them.

[Epic Rave Monster]

Originally Posted by Mizeria

Hey Epic,

There are a lot of things in Life that make it worth living. I'm not saying this from the prospective of someone that enjoys life. (I was never the happy person and have come to terms with my depression)

I have fought through my depression, but it still haunts me. You're not alone. Everywhere you turn without realizing it there is probably someone else that feels lost and ready to be done with it all.

I almost killed myself at 11. That was over ten years ago now. I'm dealing with my depression and suicidal thoughts without the help of pills, and its HARD. That's not saying you can't do it but you need to believe that its what you want before it will really feel like things are getting better. You need someone or something to live for. One person to start, and then more. Don't place the hope of your life in one persons hands unless its your own because then you'll be sent right back down to the bottomless pit you feel like your sinking into if something happens to that one person.

It's all a state of mind. If you believe that you can't fix things, you won't be able to. If you believe that you can fix things and fight your depression you'll be able to find the strength to do so. I was dead set against pills. So I figured out which thoughts in my head came from the depression (example: "No one would miss me if I was dead") I knew this to be a lie. I can count a number of people that would be greatly effected if I died. Once I figured out how to tell which thoughts were false I fought my depression with logic. Which is a lot harder then it sounds. It took my all my school years to figure out a way to do this. (so almost eight years)
Its not all foolproof. I still get pretty low and start walking that wire in the sky. One push from death and one hand away from life, but once you know how to fight it things seem a little easier.

In my opinion, life is worth living. Even with all the issues I have and the depression that haunts me there is a reason for everything. I'm lucky to be alive, and so are you. There are people dying everyday that wish they could have more time. Wouldn't it be wrong to waste our time when its such a precious thing?

You could always try to talk to your mom, but that's your choice. I told my mother and she responded with "You just don't pray enough. Trust in God and he will make everything right." ...needless to say, that was not helpful. (For one, I don't believe in god. Two, she has ignored the matter since)
My father knows to, and he doesn't know what to do to help. I know by telling him I've worried him, but he tries to understand and help. I don't know you or your family, so that really depends on how you think your mother would handle it. If there's a chance for something positive to come out of it it might be worth telling her.

Now, I don't know what type of schooling your talking about, but your 22. Can you get a job, and then your own place? I wouldn't think of going to your dads, if I were you. Why is your mom forcing more school on you? Have you told her your thoughts on everything(school wise)?


With the memory side, take notes. If there's a packet or booklet highlight important things that you can go back and skim for future reference? I went to public school/college and actually never really had a problem with learning. So I was lucky in that regard. If there is more then one thing you have to do (like, math and history or whatever) take an hour on math and then move over to history for an hour. Looking at the same material for to long can make it harder to learn. Its like when your driving and there's a road block up. You wouldn't wait for them to fix a road you would find another way around. Maybe just changing things up would help a little. Once you get through the material you could make flash cards, or even make them while reading. But that all depends on the person. I'll try to think of more things, but its been a while since I was in school myself.

My thoughts on your reasons;

1. Mom wouldn't have to pay as much money anymore, and I won't be a burden.
- Find a job, or work hard around the house to show you don't want to be a burden. I'm sure she doesn't see you as one, but I also understand the feeling. You don't have to die to help your mother out and be less of a hardship.

2. I'm so sick of how people have become. Abusing people and such. The world is so cruel.. And if I were to take someone elses' life, there would be more of them around. So it would be easier if I just died..
- The world is filled with good and bad. To change the world you would aim to become someone that has the power to make a difference. (a cop, a lawyer etc/) there are also different groups for different things (world peace) How can we ever hope to change the world if we don't actively try to?

3. I've been feeling lonely all my life. I want this feeling to end.
-Loneliness is one of the worst feelings ever. Your alone even though your in a room full of people. The world over flowing with others that share this feeling and yet nothing seems to lessen it. Right?
My salvation was in the hands of someone else, so I'm not sure if I can help you with this one. I'm never alone, because I know just a text away is a man that loves me with every fiber of his being. BUT he's not the only one that has helped me through all the bad things in my life.
A couple close friends would help you. You don't even need that many. (To be honest, I got through most my life with one or two. Even now I only have a handful of "Close Friends")


4. I can finally be at peace.
- Life is only what you make it. You could be at peace now, you'd just have to want it and work for it. Yes, it will be hard but you can do anything you put your mind to. "Peace" is ill-defined so that's the best I can do with that one without knowing more of what you mean.

I know.. I've had a few of those days where I felt life was worth living for that, but it's rare when they do happen. It's not like I want to die, though. I just feel like me dying will solve all my problems.. And even if they are temporary problems, I have problem after problem, and it doesn't end.. My happiness never lasts long.

And I know I'm not alone, but whenever I need help.. nobody's there. I have to learn everything by myself. The only close friends I have are online, so I don't even get to see them that often. I'm not close with my family, either. I grew up with not many friends. I was always use to seeing my brother hang out with his while I was alone, playing by myself.. That's why I feel like they don't care enough.

Living for people isn't enough.. especially since I'm tired of them making me feel like shit. Sometimes I feel like throwing everyone away and just being by myself.

I don't think it's my depression that needs fixing, though.. If life wasn't so fucked up, I wouldn't be like this. I think about things a lot. And I feel like keeping the negative thoughts out would be like putting a blindfold over my eyes and pretending everything is just fine when it's not.. I hate being this negative, but sometimes it's a good thing.. cause I know what's real and what's fake. Such as when people say the community is full of good people, but when it comes down to it.. almost everyone walks by without helping a person in need.

Nah.. I feel like I'm in a hell hole. If a lot more people were decent, then yes. I would feel lucky.

One day, I woke up and stepped out of my room. The night before, I had cut my arms really bad. "Worthless" in big letters. I didn't cover it up because I forgot all about it. She saw it, and threatened to send me to a therapist. I know she wouldn't actually do it, because we don't have much money. If I did go see a therapist, I would feel even more like a burden. She talked behind my back to my brother, and all she did was glare at me. I don't feel comfortable with talking to her about it.. She has enough to deal with at work.

It's a high school thing. I can get a job.. possibly, but what if I get fired? Then I have to struggle to get another one. But yes. I have told her that it's difficult to suddenly get back into it when I haven't done it for years. She didn't really say much.

I guess we had a long way to go through the other way we were doing homework. Maybe Penn Foster is quicker? I honestly don't know.. It feels like I'm starting over with everything, and I just want to drop it. It's easier for kids to remember things and learn. But for adults, the pace gets a little slow.

I do use one of those highlighters. It helps some, but not enough.. I can't highlight everything.

With Penn Foster, we have to finish one book before moving onto the other. Like.. we may have four books of Math. When we finish those, we send it in and we get new books on a different subject.

Working hard around the house isn't going to be enough, because it's money that she's struggling with. I do clean the dishes every other day, though.

There are a lot of people trying to make a change. But even now.. look at all the violence. It does so little. The only way a lot of people are going to drastically change is if their life is in danger. Then they think about what they should have done, and all that other stuff.

Haha.. Yeeaah.. I'm single. I've met someone that I've wanted to be with. Someone I thought was close to perfect for me. But nope.. she couldn't stop messing around with other people. She wasn't commited enough. And I can't be with someone I don't trust..

I only have a few close friends, but even they aren't there when I need them.

[Epic Rave Monster]

Originally Posted by Coda

Modern antidepressants aren't "happy pills." They don't function by forcing you to be happy and upbeat all the time. What they do is interfere with the negative feedback loop that makes the depressive episodes so bad -- basically, they help avoid "feeling bad that you feel bad" or "I'm so depressed that I can't do anything to get better." They keep you from getting into the worst of it so that you can learn how to make the most of the rest of your life.

There may be valid reasons that someone might not want to take antidepressants, but "artificial happiness" isn't one of them.

Ah.. Okay. Thank you for clearing that up. I've just heard a lot of bad things about them. Umm.. I think something like, "They make you fat" or "They're suppose to help you, but it makes people angry/want to suicide." Not only that, but it's something I would have to pay for whenever I run out. And again, I don't want to be a burden.. It's bad enough mom complains 97% of the time when we go out to get groceries. She acts like she can have kids, them grow up, and not need anything like toothpaste or shampoo. =w=;

[Coda]

I don't think it's my depression that needs fixing, though.. If life wasn't so fucked up, I wouldn't be like this. I think about things a lot.

To put it bluntly: Wrong.

If you blame the world for being broken, you'll never get out of it. Take steps to deal with the depression so you can have the fortitude to take steps to improve everything else. Everyone's life is messed up, and everyone has to find a way to deal with it.

Something you need to realize about depression is that it's self-reinforcing. The human brain is really good at rationalizing things. If you have depression, your brain will rationalize reasons for being depressed. You don't even realize you're doing it, but when you're sitting here making lists of things that are bad, you're making excuses for why you ought to be depressed -- but this will only make you more depressed.

In order to make any changes, you have to realize that this is happening and choose to put conscious effort into breaking the cycle. This is hard, but it's not impossible. A good support structure is vital. Antidepressants will help keep the cycle from overwhelming you to make it easier to make the choices that you have to make.

If you're worried about the cost of antidepressants, don't be. If you're struggling for money that badly, you can find financial assistance. And if you're worried about getting a job, being on antidepressants will make it easier to support yourself, because your subconscious brain won't be sabotaging you.

I'm not trying to push you to go on antidepressants. It's a big deal. But you need to push out the fears that are keeping you from being able to make a difference in your own life.

[Law]

Just to say something counter to what Coda said about the pills for depression. He's right they don't make you happy, but they don't do exactly what he said either. When you are depressed their is something wrong with your brain which makes it hard to feel anything other than empty or sad. By taking the medicine it helps with those problems. It was explained to me by a psychiatrist like this. Imagine you're emotions are all a boat, and your brain is a lake. When you're depressed the lake is dried up, and can't make it all the way but taking the medicine is like rain refilling the lake allowing them to flow freely again. Yeah it's silly, but I can't really doubt what the psychiatrist says because I'm not a psychiatrist myself.

Everyone has had a little trouble from time to time, and your story sounds like mine just a bit of a difference. My father was abusive as well. My mother would work from the time I went to school till the time I was going to bed at night. I never got to see her. My dad however never worked at all, and was always home drinking and yelling. He drove away friends threw TV's into walls, and on multiple occasions put boxes in my bedroom making me put everything I own in them so he could sell them. Something that ran parallel to this was the fact that I went to a public school, and was not home schooled. Children were rude always calling me names, and at one time it was really getting to me. I never felt anything other than sad or angry. I devoted myself to doing nothing, but spending time on the computer playing online games. To this day I still snap sometimes, and get furious with people but it hasn't been so bad. I still put myself down at times thinking I can't do this, but you just persevere the best you can. Dying helps no one, and doesn't really solve your problems at the same time. Your family would go through a grieving process, they would have to pay costly amounts for a funeral which goes against wanting to save your mother money, and if you're not alive anymore you can no longer offer anything to anyone.

I can't tell you everything is going to be okay, but you just have to try and make it all okay instead of running away from it.

[Coda]

Actually, you didn't speak counter to me. You actually said mostly the same thing I did, just from a different perspective.

[Law]

Well you said it interferes with the negative, but how it was explained when I was getting some is that it just allows you to properly feel emotions again. Not blocking the negative feelings, but allows you to feel the others again as well.

[Coda]

It depends on your particular variety of depression, though. Not everyone suffers from the type that blocks positive feelings. There's also the type ("atypical depression", though it's almost as common as major depression so the name isn't really accurate) that allows positive feelings but they don't last. The "blocks negative" description works for both, even if the specific mechanism varies.

[Quiet Man Cometh]

I'd like to also mention that depression can really affect your mental capabilities as well, not just your emotions. I was probably depressed for many years but largely ignored it because I didn't feel it was a real issue (I have no real complaints about my environment or family relations and support group) and because I didn't want extra pills. Crashing and burning in my second term of University was the straw that broke the camel's back, essentially. I've always been academically strong, especially in English, and the night that I found myself in tears at 3am staring at a blank computer screen trying to write a paper on a topic I knew and just couldn't do it was the night that my mother convinced me to talk to my doctor about it.

A happy life and good circumstances doesn't insulate someone from depression. It's also worth noting I think that vitamin pills, good ones, can cost quite a bit as well, so it's worth investigating both.

The thing with depression is, while it may not be the exact problem, it can make other problems that much worse.

[Heartbroken]

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time right now! Things that are happening in your life will not be terrible forever.There can be a change and more good than bad things will start to happen in your life.I have severe depression,I was just diagnosed yesterday so I know how depression makes you feel because I feel lonely,sad,empty,worthless,tired,hopeless,and trapped all the time.I have constant suicidal thoughts all the time,I even attempted suicide.
Your life can change,you just have to think positive and stay strong.