[Chi]

Hey everyone, I'm going to skip my usual text style and just spill a lot of things I've been thinking about. This is still the place for these sort of things, right?

Where do I begin? I guess maybe introduce myself a bit for those of you who don't know me. Sorry if this is starting to sound like a resume or something but I am looking for assistance, guidance, help, anything anyone can offer. My name is Chi sometimes I go by Serah and I used to go by my real name but I really prefer Jo. I'll be 25 in December, I'm a college graduate and still live with my parents. Now this really sounds like a resume, sorry about that. Now that's out of the way I'm going to get into it and just lay everything out there.

I've only dated two guys. The first one was for three years and the second one was for five years. I wasn't treated right by either of them. The first one I've learned to forgive. I wanted to stay in his life but he's moved on and I don't want to be a burden. I never asked him, so I can't be absolutely sure but, I think he still had feelings for me until he met his (now) wife. I don't want to ruin that for him so I stopped talking to him. I love him still but I'm happy that he's happy now. As for my second boyfriend. He was abusive. I don't want to trigger anyone so I'll leave it at that... I finally broke up with him three years ago and have been single since. You're probably wondering why I've opened with back story. Well, here's the thing. I think I'm asexual. Or at least demisexual. I haven't had any interest in sex or sexual acts for years. I am on the pill so that may be fueling that a bit but I'm not certain. Because of this, I'm afraid I'll never find a mate. I wanted to be at least engaged by the time I was 25 but it doesn't seem like that's going to happen. This thought makes me feel lonely and isolated. I don't care what gender a person is but sex just seems so unlikely. Who would ever want to be with me?

I used to have a group of friends but after high school, we all kind of dispersed. There was only one person I kept in touch with but even that person I've stopped talking to. I don't want to share what happened between said person and I because I don't believe that's fair to him/her. After that happened, the only friends I have now live in different states. While I'm thankful to have any friends at all but I'm still lonely. I find it really difficult to connect with people. I'm about to start working two jobs and even at my current one, I don't have any coworkers I would consider friends. I've tried putting myself "out there" to make new friends but nothing comes of it. I even thought I made some new friends a few months ago but now we don't speak. It makes me feel that I did something wrong. And it hurts. I wanted to make more friends which I thought I had but I guess perhaps I didn't. I'm still trying to build on my friendship with these people since I think maybe we could become friends or better friends? I'm so unsure though.

I have still been doing terribly in the job market. I graduated last December and I'm still working retail. I'm about to start a second retail job because my current one isn't giving out enough hours. My major is in Computer Science, I thought I was going to be a programmer but now I'm not so sure. I think I may be better suited for testing than creating. Or actually, even doing Technical Support, I would be happy doing that too. (I think) However, I've been having a lot of difficulty finding these jobs or getting them when I find them. I've sent in multiple resumes and most of the time I get no response or I do and they don't want me. I guess I'm not good enough. It's making me feel worthless. My dad told me to just let it roll off my back like water but I can't. This keeps happening and happening and it will continue to happen until it eventually doesn't but it's really wearing down on my self esteem. I don't mean to sound like a whiny little kid but it's so difficult to find a job and even more difficult to find a job you enjoy.

With all of these things that have been going on, I've started seeing a psychologist. I know I have depression and I know I have anxiety. So, I thought getting help is better than sitting in my own sadness. While she has been really helpful, she just went on vacation so I won't be able to see her for three weeks. She left while I'm at the low end of my life. I don't know who else to talk to because my family doesn't understand why I'm like this and my friends aren't sure what to say to me. I have tried explaining to my family how I feel and how I react but they just tell me to get over it to "stop being that way." They don't understand and it's hard for me to try and explain it because I don't completely understand it myself. My friends don't know what to say because they're not experiencing the same things I am. All they can really say is sorry. Anything to boost my self esteem a little is helpful, really. I've been doing the things my psychologist suggested but it feels all for naught when my mind slips into a negative state. Before and while typing this I've gone from crying upset to picking myself up a bit back to being sad again. I'm not usually like this and it's frustrating.

Even if you can't offer me any advice or don't know what to say. I would appreciate a compliment or even just a simple, "have a nice day". Every positive thought counts. Thanks.

[Demonskid]

Chi! DK is still here for you! I haven't moved out of ohio yet and I'm in the same place I was when you visited me. If you ever need to hang out let me know. I wish I had a way up to visit you, go to the zoo and see the tigers like we wanted. =(

My mom's family does to her, what yours does to you. Not even trying to understand what you go through and tell you to just 'get over it'. That actually tends to make things worse, because it takes time to 'get over' things, and even then they'll still be there to bug you on occasion.

I can't help with advice but I am a good listener. =) if you ever need me, tell me to get on skype and I'll get on so you can talk about what needs to be talked about.

(Grats on finishing collage!)

[Chi]

I really don't have the time to go anywhere... With starting a second job my week should be pretty busy while I look for a full time job. If I can ever find one and get accepted.

That's awful! Your mom has serious conditions that are actually visible. How could they even think that? But yeah, my dad has told me before, "It's about how you're reacting to it and you're choosing to react this way." Is it possible that maybe I'm not strong enough to react a different way? Or that I don't really have a choice? I didn't choose to have depression, I didn't choose to have anxiety. I suppose in time I can get better but it's not something that I can do right away. Nor is it something that I'm choosing.

Aww, thanks DK. I appreciate that. I don't have any time today because I work in the evening but maybe tomorrow. I'll let you know, and thanks.

(Thank you~)

[Demonskid]

Did I ever give you my new Cell? I got a Android Smart Phone from that tracfone place.

I don't think anyone has a choice on how they react to things. If we all reacted to things the same way or a similar way, life would be pretty dull. I think the best thing to do is take it slow and talk things through with people who will listen to you. People who will let you cry if you need to cry.

My aunts were over at the end of May, and they kept going "you need to get over this, here use this religious website, listen to what they say they will help you get over your parents constantly beating you as a child. They will help you forgive them. if you don't forgive them you'll go to hell."

My mom's been in a depressed state ever since and the stress now has caused possible gallstones. =o=,

I hope things don't get that bad for you. If needed you can have some of my therapy putty! =) That helps me with my anxiety a bit. It's really for strengthening my wrist and hand muscles but it helps with stress and anxiety.

[Chi]

No, I don't think you gave me your new cell.

I don't think it makes us boring if we all react the same way, but I definitely think it wouldn't be normal. I think my parents think I'm just overreacting but I didn't choose that.

Oh god, I hate that kind of talk. It's good to forgive people but you're not going to go to hell if you don't. >_>; That's the worst thing you can say to someone.

Things haven't been that bad but they're not good either. -shrug-

[Demonskid]

Someone I know told one of the little kids in her daycare class that she was gonna go to hell for not going to church, Believing wasn't enough. =/

I'll PM you my number once i find it. xD

[Chi]

Ugh, why the hell do people do that? It's good to have faith and have someone to believe in. But honestly, they shouldn't go around trying to claim God would be on their side for what they're doing. Spoiler alert, if you're being a jerk, no one is supporting you. Just saying.

Okie doke, sounds good.

As far as help goes, I could still use it. Especially when it comes to jobs. I've tried Indeed, CareerBuilder, Monster and another site as well as like... the newspaper. I've tried using the university's search engine and going there for help. I've also tried contacting places directly. I can't seem to get a leg in anywhere. And now I'm afraid I may not get the second job. The manager is taking a long time to get back to me despite my asking. @_@;

[Demonskid]

i work at the warren family mission to pay off my foodstamps.. thats the only job i can seem to get. xD Chi is doing better then I am job wise.

but you not being able to get the job you want, after all those classes you took and money spent to take them, really sucks. =/ this world sucks so bad when it comes to jobs. They tell you 'go to collage so you can do this' and then you do what they say and yet end up having a hard time getting a job.

I've met people at the mission who went to collage for certain careers and still have yet to get jobs. =/

[Chi]

So, I'm not sure the second job is going to work out now. I was going to work where I used to work like years ago. Some manager I've never even met or heard of marked me as abandoning my job. ._. Then made up some story that she tried calling me for shifts and I never called back... That never happened... ._. Why the hell do people do that? Like honestly, why mess with someone like that.

[Demonskid]

They were jealous of chi cause chi does the job better then they ever could and wanted chi to look bad or something.

either way that was wrong of them to do that.. is there a way you could report them?

[Chi]

Well the thing that doesn't make sense is wouldn't it be job abandonment if I already had the shifts and just didn't show? Not if they were calling me asking me to work... Like wtf. My mom thinks this person mistook me for someone else which is possible. Since the only thing I've heard of this manager is name alone. I've never worked with them, never met them, never even seen them before. So I dunno. I should have an answer by Monday and I hope it's good news. If not, it wasn't that big of a deal anyways since I wouldn't have been making much or working much. It was just something to pad the hours I'm getting at my other job.

[Demonskid]

I hope they fix it ono

[Chi]

No answer yet, so I'm not sure. I feel it's not good though since he did this last week when I asked about my rehire status.

I've noticed something kind of interesting. I apologize frequently even when I haven't done anything wrong. I also blush a lot even when it's just me looking at someone. It feels weird now that I'm noticing it. D:

[Demonskid]

I hate it when places don't get back to people. ono especially when it's something important.

blushing isn't so bad. ouo not sure what would help with apologizing though. i don't think thats bad either (unless we're in an anime where people get annoyed at that xD) if you feel like its something you need fixed, ask some one to poke or pinch you each time you apologize for no reason? ouo

[Chi]

Yeah, I've given up at this point. I'm still looking for a permanent job but I was rather hopefully since things had changed there over the years. Oh well. Not a big deal anymore.

It's not a bad thing but it's embarrassing. D: Now what will the people think? /)w(\ So embarrassing. I guess asking someone to pinch me if I apologize too much could work. I think it's just something that's rooted in me since childhood. I felt like a did a lot of things wrong in my life.

[Demonskid]

for some reason i'm imagining an anime character who keeps saying 'sumimasen' a lot and then gets yelled at for it xD