[Gallagher]

Sometimes, I wonder how many people are like me.

Most of the time, I realize how few it is.

Sometimes, I'm surprised to realize when some of those I lean on aren't quite so similar as I'd thought.

Sometimes, I realize how twisted I am. I realize how I treat people. I realize how I make myself seem.

Sometimes, I absolutely hate myself.

I know it's irrational when it happens. I can list off all of my good points. It's automatic at this point, easy to do, but it doesn't change a thing.

I feel bad reaching out, because when I do, I know I'll upset them. I know they'll want to do whatever they can. And I know it won't help. And I know how badly it will hurt them when I tell them that, too.

Sometimes, I realize that I use this as a way of getting things I want. I realize it, but it still happens.

I crave attention I feel like I never got. More than attention on my performance. More than criticism. More than ideas and suggestions on how I can do better. I don't want to be corrected, I don't want to be told it would be perfect if only I'd done this.

I want my efforts to be acknowledged. I want to know I'm loved. I want to be held, even when my reflexes make me pull away and hit.

I want to be told how good I am, even when I do nothing but joke and throw insults around.

Because jokes and insults are all I know.

They're all I've ever had.

I hate this fact.

Change is... difficult. I'm getting there, but it seems as though something always has to happen.

...

I know who I am. But I also know how much I'm changing. I think... the people that see me most these days, perhaps even people that read this message, they don't realize how different I used to be. Some have gotten caught in the crossfire of my adaptations. They've seen the worst of it and come to think of me as that person. The one you only deal with when you have to, because you know they'll find fault with you.

But... honestly... I'm only just learning how to stick up for myself. And I still shut down, when I'm scolded. When I don't make people happy, when I don't reach the goals set before me, I still break down.



If you haven't seen me when I crash and burn, count yourself lucky.

And remember that you don't know me at all just yet.

I hope you'll see the mess it can be.

I hope you'll see me.

Please.