[Eboneye]

**skips into the thread**
Hello. This is a untitled story I wrote when I was a teenager for a writing class. It was supposed to be an adventure type of story...the noble hero on a quest...bla, bla. I thought I'd share a part of it. Forgive that it is rough around the edges. I simply copy and pasted it off the disc. Probably tunes of grammatical errors and such. I never finished it....but I do have several chapters.

Here we go....


Chapter 1: The problem.

The soft pat of small sandal feet announced the arrival of of Anemone. Alaster Leander turned to watch her approach him with elf like grace. She was the daughter of a emperor. She would be a empress someday.
The garden was a bloom with spring flowers from all over the world. It was Anemones favorite place to be. She lazily picked a flower and to strolled up to meet the man she loved. Alaster took her hands in his.
“Today is the day.” He announced. “I’m going to ask your father for your hand in marriage.”
Anemone looks down. “I over heard my father talking to Lord Alexander last night. I am to marry Corydon this fall.”
“Corydon?” Alaster almost thought to laugh at the idea but quickly changed his mind when he saw the serious glint in Anemones Doe brown eyes.
“Your father must be mad.” Alaster frowned “Corydon is a slow, spoiled…”
Anemone squeezed his hands. “Don’t say that. He may be…spoiled but Corydon was once your friend only a few years ago.” She looks so furlong that Alaster reached pout and pulled her to his chest engulfing her in his arms.
“Its my fault you two are no longer friends“ she whispered.
“No…” He sighed. He inhaled the send of her hair. “Its not your fault. How could it be?”
Alaster thought a moment. He sparked. “Do you want to marry him?”
Anemone looked up at him in surprise. Her pretty face contorted in a glare when she saw is teasing smile. “Of course not! And you know better!”
Alaster chuckled and pulled her back into his arms. “My apologizes good lady. I didn’t mean to offend you.”
Anemone sighed. “What are we going to do?”
Just having she near him made Alaster feel like he could do anything. “I’ll talk to the Emporer. I’ll get him to see his folly.”
Anemone smiled and buried her face in his chest. “I hope you can.”
The high pitch voice of an annoyed Lady-in-Waiting reached both their eyes.
“I must go.” Anemone gave him a kiss.
“Wish me luck.” Alaster said.
“I wish you luck…” Anemone smiled. “And all my love.”
She turned and rushed off.

Alaster watch her go. His thoughts turn to the problem at hand. Corydon. Why him? Alaster shock his head.
He and Coryton Alexander had been the best of friends as children. Always sword playing…just being boys. Corydon was always the weaker of the two, but he tried his best to keep up with Alaster.
Alaster was born a farmers son. Corydon, a Lords youngest son. Being that Cordons older brother would inherit the title and all the land, Corydon would have to make his fortune elsewhere. When Alaster went to join the Emperors Guard, Corydon followed. Lord Alexander had always called his younger son a woman in a mans body. So when he was old enough to try out for the guard, Corydon was eager to prove his father wrong. However, while Alaster make the pick, Corydon did not pass his training. To “dainty” for the way of the solder was Lord Alexander’s callas remark of his son. Thinks changed between he and Corydon. The lords son was jealous of Alaster and hearty broken at his failure. And when Alaster started received Anemones attention, the young men would never see eye to eye ever again. “Oh how Corydon must be loving this” Alaster grudgingly thought. How had Corydon talked his father into convincing the Emporer to wed off his daughter to him?
Alaster started off toward the palace.

Emperor Darion lazily watched his youngest daughter sword play with a young guard. He was proud of his tom-boy daughter. He didn’t completely approve of his youngest childs interest in weapons but he couldn’t have stopped her even if he tried. She was head strong, like him. She was the son he never had.
The blades scraped together with a kiss of angry steel. With a mighty swing, Colette's sprang forward, lunging for Thane Ignatius’s chest. He cut down hard on her sword point, stepping lightly out of the way. Colette lost her balance for a moment and recovered with the practiced grace of a dancer. During the split moment for her recovery, Thane swung his sword. Colette met his swing with a loud clash of metal. Hilt to hilt they stood. Thane forced Colette to step back. Vexed she shifted her stance and strained against Thanes greater size and strength. The movement was a mistake. Thane used this moment to pushed Colette backward to the ground. Thane looked down at her. “You always make that mistake.”
“I know!” Colette growled. “Shut up!”
Thane smiled and backed away. He looked up as he sheathed his sword. “Your Highness…” He gave a quick bow.
Colette scrambled to her feet. “Father, How longer have you been watching!?”
“Long enough.” Darion answered. “Your improving my dear.”
“I’ve done better!” Colette looked miserable. “Why couldn’t you have been watching me yesterday? I actually knocked him down.”
“Who says I didn’t?” Darion smirked. “why don’t you wash up daughter. Your starting to smell like Thane.”
Thane laughed. Colette wrinkled her nose. “Fine.”
“I’ll see you here tomorrow Princesses.” Thane said.
Colette whirled around to face the solder. “Don’t call me that! You know I don’t like being called that!”
“I know. “ He stated with a smiled.
With a snarl Colette rushed out of the court yard and past Alaster.
“I heard what you called her. “ Alaster told his young friend. “Your in trouble now.”
“Oh well.” Thane shrugged.
“Oh, she’ll get over it.” Emperor Darion laughed.
Alaster bowed to his lord. “My Lord, may I talk to you…” he glanced over at younger solder “..alone”
Thane raised both his hands and stepped back. “Say no more. I’m gone.”
Alaster watched him leave.
“Well? “ The Emperor began. “What is it you wish to discuss with me? Or do I need to ask…” Darion looked seriously at Alaster.
“Sir?” Alaster felt nervous.
“You’ve come to ask for Anemones hand in marriage, have you not?”

To be continued…..

Don't know if I'll continue this. Depends on the feedback.
Thank you for your time.

**skips out of the thread**

[Suzerain of Sheol]

As you said, the syntax and grammar make it difficult to read. I soldiered through it, though. On the whole, the writing isn't especially bad, you describe things in a fairly efficient manner that doesn't bog down the action of a scene, which is always good.

On the other hand, you're dealing in cliches so heavily that they cast a shadow over the entire piece. Unless you can find a reason to justify using them (i.e. *do* something to make them cool again), there's really not much potential for this story to lift itself beyond a retelling of something everyone's seen dozens of times before.

Also, the way you describe the swordfight, Thane should have been able to kill her as soon as he deflected her lunge like that (obviously he wouldn't, just saying longswords are damned fast and deadly weapons at that range, all it takes is practically a flick of the wrist after a move like that to dispatch someone). I couldn't tell if they were sparring in armor or not, but even if they weren't, if he's that much bigger than her, it would give her a few advantages in terms of leverage during the bind, she could have toppled him, especially if he was armored. When you describe the bind, though, it shouldn't be like in the movies where two people just stand still and push at each other; they should be constantly shifting and scrabbling for an advantage in leverage, an opportunity to get in close and take the fight to dagger-work.

Here's a decent video showing a couple moves from the bind to illustrate what I mean, but as Thane says she always makes that mistake, maybe you don't need to go into it at this point unless he ends up showing her how to do it right.

Anyway, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-EON1N_Sdsc

[Eboneye]

Yea. Thank you Suzerain of Sheol. lol. I was 16 years old. Even thou I didn't finish the thing by the time it was due (it was far from being finished) I had over 76 typed pages and several pages about each character and a story time line (all typed as well). Took me a week to do. Teacher was impressed so I got an A. If I remember rightly, she marked up my pages with all types of advise and corrections. I've lost them.

[Suzerain of Sheol]

I know the feeling, I wrote a entire novel when I was 15 and was so proud of it... I only keep the manuscript around now to remind myself how much I've improved since then.

And yeah, didn't mean to go overboard critiquing 16-year-old-you's rendition of swordsmanship, I just like fight scenes to be realistic. :P

[Eboneye]

Its ok no biggie. I know there were problems and expected some critiquing. Why would I stick it here if I didn't want constructive criticism. I remember its being so much better the it really was. lol.
Today I have read some of the chapters on the disc this time and figured I will not post the rest of it. As a 16 year old I had a idealized and as you said generic view and it just doesn't make for a good read. I'm happy my teacher gave me a A but I know my unfinished story is completely flawed. It was interesting to see at least one persons point of view about it thou. :)

[Suzerain of Sheol]

So, do you have anything more recent, or was this more of your one grand foray into fiction writing? :P

[Eboneye]

One time thing. I'm obviously not a writer. Never claimed to be. Just wanted to see the reaction. At this moment, I do wish I had read the chapter before copy and pasting it. **shakes head in embarrassment** Like I said earlier, I remember it being to much better then it was. I always had the desire to try it again without having to to do it for a class, but just never did. Don't know if I ever will.

Well this was fun, really it was. :) Thanks for chatting and the good advice.