[DarkForbidden-Love]

Since i have been frequating the poems threads and commenting on them I have decided to re-enter the world of poetry. Beware Oh, world. It opens imediatly for critique.

Fading Vision

I used to see the colors,
The silvers, the purples, and the blues,
But then I grew up,
And my world faded,
I'm left with grays,
In a world that should be full of color,
My eyes grow uninterested,
And I walk away,
From this grey world.

Garden of Roses

When I was born the garden was full of white roses,
As I grew they changed,
In my childhood they were yellow and blue,
In my preteen years they were pink and purple,
The teen years they were red and gray,
Then they all turned grey and the world faded from view,
I noticed every day that they seemed to be darker than before,
Today they are black,
As they lay on a lonely grave.

Now start telling me if ya like it or not.

[DarkForbidden-Love]

A Fire's Will

It dances,
It sings,
Free of all mankind,
It cares for no man,
Only for itself,
It takes and never returns,
It steals without care,
It destroys
Without reason,
Except its own life.

Golden Platter

"I want her head on a golden platter"
Demands the queen in her glory
"No other mental will do,
Only a golden platter for the child's head"
She screeches enraged
"Silver makes her look alive,
That scoundrel,
Bronze is her favorite color,
So gold it must be!"
Her explanation makes no sense,
It matters not for the child's head was delivered on a golden platter,
Its soft brown hair rolling off the platter,
Eyes wide open,
Unseeing.
"Yes!"
The queen clapped her hands gleefully,
"The Dämon is dead,
'Tis dead now."
Indeed the child was dead and its head on a golden platter.

[DarkForbidden-Love]

Are people shy? I would like to know what you think of my poems, if you don't like them tell me, and then tell me why. As long as you aren't rude I would love your feedback even negative feedback.

[littl3chocobo]

was waiting for you to finish posting

[DarkForbidden-Love]

Oops sorry. It is an ongoing thing and I was going to update it as I wrote more. That is what I get for assuming people get this without writing it down.

[littl3chocobo]

sorry, though, the first one, the way the first and second line are set they read better as a single line

[DarkForbidden-Love]

You're talking about 'Fading Visions' right? I have made note of that, and thank you for stopping by.

[littl3chocobo]

yes, though oddly i feel like i am being shooed away *hurries out of door*

[DarkForbidden-Love]

Fading Realms (Based off the RP idea slightly)

Sometime I slip
And see you and your life
It makes me want to be you for a bit longer
To not be me again
Maybe I'll fade
Maybe I won't
But I no longer want to be me
Me is so boring
I want to be you
Just for a little longer
Be in a skin that isn't mine
And live a life not like mine
But I'll take these stolen seconds
And treasure it forever.

[littl3chocobo]

actually it sounds like it could be our rp too in places hahaha though all those changes are internal

[DarkForbidden-Love]

Was not thinking of it that way, but now you point that out I can see it.
Another poem, what?! Jeez I have no life...

Goodbye

This is goodbye
I won't see you again
I'm leaving
To where you can't follow
I say adios
And goodbye
I'm leaving and not returning
Going to where you can't follow.

The Epilouge

Don't mourn for me,
Shed not a tear for this torn soul,
They aren't worth the salt in your tears,
Don't wish to follow me,
I'm going down,
I'm not the angel you think I am,
You'll go through the pearly gate while I burn,
Don't cry for me,
Not worth the salt of your tears,
I don't deserve a halo,
Or even those wings,
Don't cry for my soul,
It's lost,
Cry not for my broken soul,
Or my empty body,
They aren't worth the salt of your tears.

And yet more...

Broken Beast

She was brilliant,
No doubt about it,
but they couldn't see it,
Blinded by their greed,
She knew the human mind,
Better than her own,
Then her mind turned twisted
And her white to a copper red,
She knew this and now knew herself,
A twisted persona was born,
Beautiful and social by day,
Murderer by night,
No one caught the nymph,
No one noticed the missing link,
Crying for revenge
and having unfulfilled bloodlust,
She took to the sky once more and took her own life.

The beast and terror ended,
But peace did not emerge,
For by the wings of night,
This beast lives on.

No such Thing as Heroes.

No such thing as heroes
No one to save you this time
When you fall no one is going to catch you this time
When you jump
You are going to have to learn how to fly
Cause there is no such thing as heroes flying through the sky
We have to learn how to fly with our own wings
No time for hesitation
Spread you wings
Fly free
Cause there is no such thing as a hero
We have to break our own chains
And set ourselves free

[DarkForbidden-Love]

I should warn you the poems in this post have some disturbing content read at own risk. It is not M rated more like Pg 13.



Mirror, Mirror

Twisted
Broken
Shattered
Fractured
The mirror reflects a broken image
I no longer recognize the face in the mirror
Who am I?
What have I become?
I want to scream
But no sound comes forth
I no longer know who I am
I no long recognize that face in the mirror
The mirror
It shattered
It breaks
It twists
It fractures
It changes
It never lies, though
So who am I looking at?
When I look into the mirror.

Be Human, Again.

Can you teach me to cry?
To be human once again
Apathy is me too often
And just this once I want to cry
To understand why
I feel so awkward
On the edge of society
Sometime I wonder
What it is like to be human
To feel
And not just act
If people say I’m sad
I play the part
If people say I should be happy
I give them a grin
But that’s not my emotions
That is just a mask
Because
To tell you the truth
I’m not sure I can tell you what emotions are
I can give you masks
I can read you lines
I can tell you lies
But I cannot show you my true face

Dead Like Me

Dead
Is just
A word to you
But to me
It is I
I don’t live
I won’t die
So I’m dead
My chest
May rise and fall
And my heart may beat
But there is no life
Is this shell
Of mine

Pefect Words

Words are penned
Words are spoken
Words are treasured
Words are broken
Words are thought
Words are taught
Words are lies
Words are not
And yet words are…

False Fantasy

Lost in my own fantasy
Don’t realize
It’s not quite right
The walls shouldn’t be red
Everyone shouldn’t be dead
This is my fantasy
Peace
And quiet
No one to disturb me
‘Cause everyone is dead
I killed them all
In my fantasy

[littl3chocobo]

haha, i only have one poem myself and it's old and unfinished to boot haha

[DarkForbidden-Love]

Winged

I may be grounded now,
But eventually I'll be free,
I'll fly through the sky and leave you all behind,
The world will be mine,
To see and dream about,
I know I'll never fly,
But it nice to dream,
Of flying once on wings.

And this one I found from three years ago. It says something when your poetry style has not changed in three years. It was a school poem about your mind.

Not Yours

The fading lights,
The flashing darkness,
The booming flares,
They are part of my world
Not yours,
Please, don't pry,
My mind is already fractured,
My thoughts unraveled,
Not for you to pry,
Do you really want to know,
What twisted thoughts are mine?
Consider you options and choose,
Because once chosen you can't unlearn.
Remember my mind,
It hold my darkest fear,
My inmost desire,
And my sickest thoughts,
And a few happy memories...
Do you really want to see it?

[Suzerain of Sheol]

Since you asked for feedback, I'll note first off that I noticed several spelling errors, just in glancing through a couple of your poems. You'll want to fix those, they're even more glaring in poetry than in prose and tend to tarnish the entire poem when they crop up.

Otherwise, though, I don't have time at the moment to do a thorough read-through, but from what I can tell, your style is very direct, to the point where, in a lot of places, it feels just like words on a page, not even poetry. (That's a bad way of putting it, since poetry is such a nebulous term, but hopefully you know what I mean.)

Also, I'll just throw this out there, but I don't see much overall meaning to many of these, beyond the personal. Personal poems are fine and all, but showing them to other people is almost always pointless, because no one can see things from your specific perspective. The challenge in writing a meaningful poem is to take something personal and make it universal, so that the poem transcends your specific experiences and thereby gains a meaning of its own. Which is rather difficult to accomplish.

And, just to throw it out there, there's something to be said for being cliche. There's so much saturation in poetry anymore that it's nearly impossible to do something original, but a lot of your lines just sound tired and generic. The constant "I" references don't exactly help, either. (Even if you're not referencing yourself, when it shows up that often in your work, it can make it look like you are.)

And... that's all I have time for right now. I may take a closer look some other time when I get a chance. If I had to make some quick suggestions for improvement, I'd say try to word things with a little more flair, getting away from the typical descriptions and challenging the reader a little more. Also, maybe try to be less direct and layer what your trying to say a bit more, though not everyone appreciates that in poetry. But even still, there should always be something more beyond the first, obvious, apparent meaning, even if that apparent meaning functions perfectly well on its own.

[DarkForbidden-Love]

Thank you for your input, Suzerian. I am working on those spelling errors, and I'll definatly keep those tips in mind. I hope you get time to critique them more thoroughly.