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Espy Espy is offline
Wanderer
Default   #289  
That's my favorite stanza. First stanza's my second favorite :|
STONEWALL WAS A RIOT

Old Posted 07-08-2017, 04:21 AM Reply With Quote  
Default   #290   Suzerain of Sheol Suzerain of Sheol is offline
Desolation Denizen
Paramnesia

Cold silence has a tendency
to atrophy any sense of compassion
between supposed lovers.
Between supposed brothers.
Old Posted 02-09-2018, 03:38 PM Reply With Quote  
Gallagher Gallagher is offline
It Won't Stop
Default   #291  
it's been 7 months

no one cares about you anymore



anyway, i'm a big fan of the pacing of this one. the start of "divest" 3 lines, "divest" 3 lines, sets up an expectation that quickly falls apart as the number of lines get shorter and sound more frantic, then suddenly lines upon lines are dumped like overflowing thoughts and desperate hands trashing all of the subjects away. then, the breakdown into single words becomes a beautiful grasp at the last remnants to be destroyed.

my favorite line is "A dark wet mask on a decapitated puppet that does not consent"

i give it a solid uuhhhhhhh 82.8 out of 86.7







Old Posted 02-09-2018, 04:27 PM Reply With Quote  
Default   #292   Suzerain of Sheol Suzerain of Sheol is offline
Desolation Denizen
I was very proud of that line after it spontaneously occurred to me. >__>

Though, perhaps not quite so enamored of it as the previous line about the pigs. <__<
Cold silence has a tendency
to atrophy any sense of compassion
between supposed lovers.
Between supposed brothers.
Old Posted 02-09-2018, 04:54 PM Reply With Quote  
Quiet Man Cometh Quiet Man Cometh is offline
We're all mad here.
Default   #293  
This was certainly fun to read. Some parts seem to make more sense if you read them backwards.

Or perhaps, make a different kind of sense, like backwards logorithmically expressed love.
Old Posted 02-13-2018, 05:29 AM Reply With Quote  
Default   #294   Suzerain of Sheol Suzerain of Sheol is offline
Desolation Denizen
Judas and the Valkyrie

Cold silence has a tendency
to atrophy any sense of compassion
between supposed lovers.
Between supposed brothers.
Old Posted 07-09-2018, 09:16 PM Reply With Quote  
Gallagher Gallagher is offline
It Won't Stop
Default   #295  
"an undead philosopher clutching a blank banner"

me

"the meaning of all the universe in soaking white"

my favorite line tbh

"another casualty of conception"

also me

"an artificial limb choking its host"

me next plz, ty







Old Posted 07-09-2018, 09:28 PM Reply With Quote  
Default   #296   Rainbowfox Ari Rainbowfox Ari is offline
The Weaver of Tales
You asked Galla to ask me to comment on what I thought of this poem, so here goes.

I thought your usage of dark language was appropriate for the type of poem it was and conveyed your meaning well enough. However, like in most of your work, your use of less-common vocabulary is going to leave the modern everyman in the dust in terms of cognizant understanding of the intent of the work.

It would be a far more poignant statement if you were to use language most people could actually understand without having to yank out a dictionary, which ruins the flow of the piece. Even so, the depressed state of this particular work is quite clear, even if it's not my cuppa.

However, I think it could have benefitted from a simpler language, and a few punchy lines to get your meaning across. Other than that, great job. ^^
Old Posted 07-09-2018, 10:05 PM Reply With Quote  
Suzerain of Sheol Suzerain of Sheol is offline
Desolation Denizen
Default   #297  
I would direct you to the easily-overlooked line

Quote:
as the last messiah dies unheard of
That isn't merely an edgy invocation, The Last Messiah is the title of one of the foundational essays of Antinatalism, describing a quasi myth about the last "heroic" human to make the decision not to reproduce at the end of the world.

So, I'd say I agree with you, the poem being opaque and borderline impenetrable is part of the metaphor.

Or put more bluntly, modern everypersons are my sworn enemy. :|
Cold silence has a tendency
to atrophy any sense of compassion
between supposed lovers.
Between supposed brothers.
Old Posted 07-09-2018, 10:27 PM Reply With Quote  
Default   #298   Quiet Man Cometh Quiet Man Cometh is offline
We're all mad here.
Use it or lose it. The average layperson can darn well improve their vocabulary or we all sink into linguistic oblivion as the lowest common denominator gets lower and lower.

I'd say something on the poem except that my comprehension is somewhat dulled right now from spending the last day ill. I feel I could have a chat with that messiah, though.
Old Posted 07-10-2018, 01:39 AM Reply With Quote  
Gallagher Gallagher is offline
It Won't Stop
Default   #299  
Quote:
Originally Posted by Quiet Man Cometh View Post
Use it or lose it. The average layperson can darn well improve their vocabulary or we all sink into linguistic oblivion as the lowest common denominator gets lower and lower.
this reminds me, i was just telling dead earlier that it's bullshit that 'mischievious' is considered completely incorrect instead of a variant of 'mischievous' like it should be, considering i have literally never heard anyone in my real life use 'mischievous' and even when you look it up polls always say it's a 50/50 split on the spelling

like i know the average person is dumb and all, but after a point you have to wonder if it's a linguistic abomination trying to take hold or just, you know, language doing what it do

anyway i spell it 'mischievious' despite knowing it's incorrect

cuz i'm an asshole

have a nice day







Old Posted 07-10-2018, 01:49 AM Reply With Quote  
Default   #300   Espy Espy is offline
Wanderer
I'm not doing the words thing well, so I'm just going to say that I really feel this one.
STONEWALL WAS A RIOT

Old Posted 07-10-2018, 04:08 AM Reply With Quote  
Suzerain of Sheol Suzerain of Sheol is offline
Desolation Denizen
Default   #301  
Considering what was going through my head when I was writing it, I'm not convinced that's remotely a good thing. :X
Cold silence has a tendency
to atrophy any sense of compassion
between supposed lovers.
Between supposed brothers.
Old Posted 07-10-2018, 12:23 PM Reply With Quote  
Default   #302   Quiet Man Cometh Quiet Man Cometh is offline
We're all mad here.
Not being quite as intellectually challenge as previously I find that, while reading this, I tend to flip between metaphorical references and images of today's political environment.

Is the blank, white banner of the universe showing that it's empty of meaning, or is a sign of surrender from the messiah holding it?

or both.

Is the event-horizon tinged red from emotional disturbance or reference to a "sunset" of the universe, or are we talking political "reds?"

or both.

Maybe the last messiah holding the empty banner of his opinion is drowned under media "fake news!" and not quite dead for the lingering spirit of a diseased cognition that come with having been born in the first place.

Did I just get weird?
Old Posted 07-13-2018, 04:55 AM Reply With Quote  
Suzerain of Sheol Suzerain of Sheol is offline
Desolation Denizen
Default   #303  
Quote:
Originally Posted by Quiet Man Cometh View Post
Is the blank, white banner of the universe showing that it's empty of meaning, or is a sign of surrender from the messiah holding it?
I think that question is a conflation of 4 different lines out of order, but the answer is obviously both. :P

Quote:
Is the event-horizon tinged red from emotional disturbance or reference to a "sunset" of the universe, or are we talking political "reds?"
The second one, and I really hate that I didn't think of the third at the time so I'm just going to retroactively take credit for it.

Quote:
Maybe the last messiah holding the empty banner of his opinion is drowned under media "fake news!" and not quite dead for the lingering spirit of a diseased cognition that come with having been born in the first place.
Well, yeah. Duh.

Quote:
Did I just get weird?
Don't worry, you are always weird.
Cold silence has a tendency
to atrophy any sense of compassion
between supposed lovers.
Between supposed brothers.
Old Posted 07-14-2018, 01:17 AM Reply With Quote  
Default   #304   Suzerain of Sheol Suzerain of Sheol is offline
Desolation Denizen
Taking Ari's advice, I have written a far more accessible poem. :)

Cave-In

Cold silence has a tendency
to atrophy any sense of compassion
between supposed lovers.
Between supposed brothers.
Old Posted 07-21-2018, 12:08 AM Reply With Quote  
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