[Tiva]

I was told by a friend this might be helpful, because I am just now realizing what happened in these past 48 hours isn't normal. I am 25, about to be 26, and live with my Mom. My Dad committed suicide when I was 14, very relevant, so we have always been super close due to necessity of being an only child and parent.
I went away for college, got engaged and she never liked this guy. He was turning me against her, he was making me change, etc. I stopped coming home for holidays or had to split them so we could see his parents also. Wedding planning was a nightmare, I wanted a small 25-30 person wedding and she wanted me to have a 150-200 person wedding. I couldn't deal with her constant 'why don't you love your family?' and 'where is this going to leave me when you don't invite them?'. So I caved and agreed to her plans, her entire family was invited I hated myself and my fiancé couldn't understand why my backbone that I have against so many things just fails against her. "She is my only parent, I cant just leave her"
I ended up breaking off my engagement, she was happy about it, and I miserably finished up college and came back home to help her out due to her own pending divorce.

Cut to three years later, now, I have been on Antidepressants for 3 months and going to therapy. It is helping me regain my sense of self tremendously. I am pushing back after not pushing at all since I came home. With this comes me actually trying have a social life again. But I get the constant question whenever I leave of 'where when who and how long?' If I stay out after a shift she calls me, if i dont call her in the morning she calls, texts, and does all manner of things to make sure i am awake. She states it all comes from my dad, and how much his death shocked her. She doesn't want to lose me too but I keep telling her that she is holding on a bit too tight.

I tried dating again, really nice guy deals with my anxiety well and isn't a drain on me emotionally which is rare. Only problem was he is my Assistant Manager, and our company doesn't allow dating between workers at any level. So we kept it quiet, and I kept it out of my Mom's ear because she would be the one to call corporate on us because 'He was taking advantage of me'.
This went on in secret for about a month, and as we are both unhappy with our living situations it was talked about moving in together at some point. Just talk, but I knew I had to bring up the subject with my Mom because in her head I have no reason to move. So I brought it up one night and she went manipulative stating 'well I never needed you to live with me anyway what you pay me in rent doesnt actually help at all.' And I stated all of the reasons about why i moved in and how her 60 grand in debt is effecting me and my ability to move out since I am an authorized user on all of those cards. It shows up and has vastly brought down my credit score in the past…. 2 years? Like a 70 point reduction.

Then night before last I find her going through my phone, which had been locked. Checking my texts because 'I am hiding something from her and she was going to find out what'. So she both finds out that I am seeing this guy and that he is stating 'How much your mother controls your life is unhealthy'. She threatens me with telling our boss, I finally break and tell her to do it. Please do it and I would quit my job, move out, and change my phone number within the week.
Next day is my biweekly therapy appointment(God this was so lucky). I go in and talk to my therapist about what happened and she asked if she had permission to mediate between my mother and I about what boundaries she is crossing that makes me feel like a child in my own home. Gladly gave it and she called around noon. I get a call at 1 pm, with my Mom going off at me.

I brought up four main concerns:
Calling constantly - Which per her I do more than she ever will. But she calls me daily and if I dont pick up she blows my phone up. I once left it upstairs charging on silent and missed 4 calls and 6 texts from her within a 30 minute period. She was just calling to let me know that she was going to have to stay late for work but when I picked up she kept calling and leaving voicemails.
Not taking a vague answer- Again I apparently do this more than she does and that is what roommates are supposed to do. But sometimes I want to be nonspecific, I am going to a friends place. I will be back sometime tomorrow. Should be enough of an answer for her. Not texting me at 7 am 3 times to see when I will be home from XYZ's place. And yes I get grilled about who's place i am going to, so I end up lying. I am 25 I shouldn't have to give you a detailed itinerary. Extra: Per her she feels like she has to answer to me because I ask her to shoot me a text when she is leaving work so I can vacuum or start dinner.
Dont touch my phone- Seriously like the most basic privacy here. Dont touch my phone you have no reason to need to know who I am texting. Dont use my laptop because 'Oh I didnt want to get my computer'. My texts sync to it, I dont want you on it reading them or whatever other tabs i have left open on it.
Last but not least Laundry- I haven't been allowed to do my own laundry for 3 years. She does it together, on her schedule, typically during the middle of my work weekend so I am playing the 'both of my work pants are in the dryer and i hope they are done before i get called in' game. I have brought it up before that she doesnt need to do it I would like to do it but 'it is more efficient if she does it because I wouldn't do her laundry right and doing it separately is just going to cost more to her over all.' So if I so badly wanted to do mine on my own I had to do it at a laundromat.

Per her all of this is her caring, and my therapist makes her sounds like 'She is the bad person' and 'That she leans on me more than is normal for a parent child relationship.' But this is how I feel about it and like it or not I feel this way. I want you more hands off, I want an independent life but because you are in a vast amount of debt I cant leave you. I want to feel like an Adult that pays Rent, not your teenager who still has to answer to curfew and isn't allowed to do anything with out your explicit permission.
This ended with me in tears over the phone and my mother stating that it was all my fault, and that I made all of these problems up but she would give me what I wanted and leave me alone entirely. She wouldn't ask where I was going, she wouldn't bother telling me when she had work. And that I would hate it because 'You are the one who calls me I dont ever call you'. I told her then that I had to go to work and I wouldn't be coming home that night because I didnt want to deal with her.
I come home today and actually talked to her face to face. But it didnt make anything better, this is how I feel, and it isn't just made up. I cant ignore a phone call when I am with my boyfriend because you keep calling me otherwise. I cant do anything that inconveniences you, be it not being home or having people over. She said she was going to leave me alone, and it lasted all of 4 hours before she was calling me again. Because I was out today trying to fix some parts of my wrecked life and she wanted to know when I was coming home.

Per my therapist my Mother is Narcissistic, and while she outwardly supports me leaving all attempts she sabotages because she is afraid of being alone. She needs the attention that I give her and guilts me into believing that I am doing the wrong thing by trying to have a life outside of her. Sometimes it gets better, but most of the time I am her focus. I am hoping that once I leave it will get better but I dont know if it actually will.

Positives though: She actually called to get a home loan to pay off all of her debt, only took her 18 months, so I can move out without worrying that she will lose the house because she defaulted on her credit cards. One of my friends recently just moved into her own home and will be looking for a roommate in a few months. And the guy I was seeing agreed that we could actually try to resume things once I am out of this house. He doesnt blame me for my mother but he cant deal with the constant threat of both of us losing our jobs if we piss her off. I just actually have to keep my backbone and not let her run all over me when i try to leave in April or May.

So that has been my crazy 48 hours…. Am I insane? Is this actually normal? Or is this me actually dealing with someone that doesnt want me to actually let go and have a life of my own?

I could list a million times where she dismisses my opinion or tries to establish her own as the correct and only valid option, home life, politics, my job, me going back to school, but for this purpose I'm just talking about this. I am doubting myself because maybe it is, but I keep getting told it isn't normal. That I have every right to feel like this about her over bearing 'love' leash.

For anyone that has actually been on Trisphee long enough, yeah we all know who i am talking about but lets not name drop please? It has been almost 4 years I just want to show the precedence and that is a big one.

[Den]

*hugs* Your mom needs serious help. From someone who is not you. None of what she's doing is normal or healthy. Please, get yourself out and away from her as soon as you are able.

[Coda]

Narcissistic? Or codependent? I could easily see an argument for codependency -- a dysfunctional psychological compulsion to have someone dependent on her. This would mean (in her own mind) she HAS to be the one to do all of the work of taking care of you, because (in her own mind) you're still a child and she's still your caretaker so of course all of these things are what you would expect from a parent. She never moved on from being 14-year-old Tiva's mom.

This is of course me being an armchair shrink, so I'm not second-guessing your psychiatrist, but it's another perspective to think about if it makes sense; it might help you understand her way of thinking.

[mdom]

*hugs Tiva tight*
GURL I can see myself in you so hard D: Like my mom calls me if I don't reply to her texts in a couple minutes. She doesn't want me out of the house after the sunset. Except I'm over 30 and I haven't broken out of the loop.
I encourage you to leave and not feel guilty about her. You have to live your own live or else you'll grow to be bitter towards her.

[Tiva]

Thanks guys, it means a lot and the couch crashing at other peoples places for the past few days and asking them about it have confirmed that this isn't normal. I'm looking at moving out Mid April to May and my friend is pretty excited to test run me out as a roommate for the time being.

Coda an argument could be made for either, but all of the time she states that she supports me in moving out but then something comes up and boom 'this isn't the right opportunity for you' or 'But then I would be on my own'. So yeah, it is likely both but my therapist is making her argument based on the fact that whenever I bring up an issue it is how said issue will effect her. It isn't 'Well I didnt want to make you handle it' it is 'Well I never did that'. I do over half of the house work, and almost all of the upkeep on the handiman side of things.

[Coda]

Given that perspective, yeah, narcissist does sound more precise. They're pretty closely related in the first place.