[Pocket]

So we have been living at the in laws for about 2 months and I'm almost stress free. But I'm really starting to get into my darker place... My hubby and I got a joint bank account and he is taking care of the finances..I just earn the money.. We have it set up where we can't over draw but because of some "close calls" we don't have much in savings anymore..

He got new clothes that equaled out to be $100. I more or less had the throw a fit to be able to buy myself a few outfits.. I was able to get 4 new shirts and 2 pairs of jeans, mother in law gave me 2 pairs. Although there was that $100 limit he bought more. So he has about 30 shirts if I had to guess..((dress and causal)) and about 10 pairs of jean and a few shorts..

I on the other hand have more work clothes then anything else.. It upsets me because I am always last on getting new...

Friday we had a friend come into town and we hung out with him and went to lunch and a movie. We were at the mall and it was getting kind of chilly so my hubby got a long sleeve shirt cheap.. well the next day he said he moved $30 from savings cuz we went a lil over board... almost $150 spent in one day... I was freaking out but at the same time we don't know when he will be back in town.

Last night my hubby picks me up from work and he got this $30 pillow that he has been eye balling.. memory foam that has this layer that takes the heat away from your head.. I want one too but theres 5 left and by the time I get paid again they will be gone...

So today I told him that I'm going to spend $45 on myself next pay check once the bills are taken care of... but in one way I'm like hey if I go over then oh well... he has so why can't I..

What do you guys think?

[littl3chocobo]

i think you are both being very irresponsible and not only are you going to have a lot of fights over this you also will not be able to keep money or pay any of your bills

it would be best that instead of getting a joint account with limits you should have your own accounts and a third separate that cannot be withdrawn from that is tied to your bills(most places do electronic withdrawls now and you can have your check going to multiple accounts, i know because i used to have two accounts that were set up this way)

[Lucid:]

It sounds to me like your husband is an impulsive spender and you feel as though if he is going to spend so much money on himself, you deserve the same amount of spending money for yourself. Is that about right?

Choco's idea is a good one, having separate accounts will help you set up budgets and limits for both you and your husband. If for some reason you can't get your own separate accounts, talk to your husband about revoking his spending privileges, taking away all his cards so he can't buy frivolous things. In turn this will help you feel like you're not getting a fair share of the money you are earning.

If the problem is not tied to the bank account but the compulsive shopping itself, there are a lot of resources online for shopping addiction help.

In the end, I feel like it's very important for both spouses to be in charge of shared money. Spend time going over your budgets with your husband and agree together on what kind of money you can spend on yourselves, how much goes to necessities and bills, and how much goes to savings. Having these rules set up together makes it easier to keep each other in line and will hopefully reduce fights about money. If one person doesn't know where the money is going at any point in time, it's a problem.

[Pocket]

Bills are getting paid and what not. All I "spend" is bus money and my meals at work.. I have bills from before I moved that I want to get taken care of. I was a careless back then.. now I'm better but still have a ways to go. I have returned things that I needed because the money wasn't there. If I was irresponsible... would I do that? No. My work clothes...my pants I had an issues with the inner thighs wearing out and I got holes as a result... I hated having to buy new not because of the sizing or whatnot... because that money could get to something more important...

I hated buying food at work for that same reason.. so please tell me how that's irresponsible.. and he can't have his own because it'd be myh money going into it for the fees and crap..

[littl3chocobo]

you dont curb his spending and instead threatened him with you spending money despite possible negative repercussions and if that is why then there is an issue

that and you both seem to be buying frivolous stuff you dont need (please dont tell me 4 shirts is not frivolous since i am sure they were retail and dont say there is a difference between you since the only dif is one of you is more assertive)

you both seem to spend on things you dont need to spend on, a friend coming over should /not/ be more than fifty bucks ever and there is no need to buy a shirt just because you didn't bring a coat, if it did not drop about thirty degrees he can survive, it is a matter of priorities dear, you are making this into a case of him getting more stuff than you when really it is a case of noone should be getting this stuff

maybe it is just my having spent half my life impoverished but from my point of view you both fucked up and really it does not matter who fucked up more. this is a problem that is on /both/ of you not just him and here is a bit of advice that my parents gave me when i was being a snot and that i give to others when it is one of those times;

life is /not/ fair, grow up.

[Nexess]

I would suggest sitting down and talking. It's obviously a problem between the two of you and what you decided up there really just seems like you're tired of his childlike spending. It would be best to have a conversation with him about it, as you are the one currently making the money, it really comes down to you letting him spend the money, you can get your own bank account and transfer your paychecks their if this continues but that would be, in my opinion atleast, the last case scenario.


Choco - Not to offend Choco, cause I understand your way of speaking is a little harsher than most, but your advice is obviously not what she is asking for at this current time, it may be best to just drop this one, athough your intentions are good they don't seem to be helping Pocket out to much.

[littl3chocobo]

i suppose you are right, she wants verification not condemnation

[Pocket]

One thing I have learned is shop clearance... the shirts that were alike $13 full price I got them for $3 or $4 each... and I am 26 and I was wearing jeans with holes in not the best places and shirts I wore in high school... so it was one of those I really did need them.. I have more work clothes so I don't have to wash the same few every time I turn around and they get worn out..

I am really trying to be smart about money now.. if I wasn't I wouldn't be freaking out... My husband and his mother said let him handle the money... so if there is a mess up it isn't on me cuz I'm not controlling it..

Please don't see this as an excuse just an explanation.. I have learning disabilities so when I was trying to manage the money before...there were always mess ups..

[Tiva]

Have you ever tried the envelope system? You have an envelope with cash for each separate fun aspect of life, while letting your bills be paid out of the account. Giving him or yourself say 50 dollars a week (this is just a random number) to buy clothes, hang out with friends, entertainment, etc. Whenever you run out of money you have to wait til next week to get more. Typically there is an envelope for groceries that is separate from the fun and everything else is in savings only being drawn on for bills. I know that it has helped Alpha and I with our spending though we use a system that is less rigid.

Cash is harder to overspend because you physically have it in your hand, a card is a magic money card. Money comes out of it and you never have to check to make sure you have enough. A lot of people have the problem when using just cards on over spending *raises hand* I am one of those people and have taken to using cash.

As for the spending... a little bit of over spending is fine if you have the cushion, but constantly is not because it eats through the cushion and then you are left with nothing. Also I understand that he keeps track of the fiancees but it doesn't seem like he is doing a good job at it, why don't you try to keep track of what is in the account and how much he is spending and how much you are spending?

[Mirra]

I know exactly how you feel!! My husband and I was in the same boat about a year or two ago. Just it was my husband making the money. At first I thought I couldn't really say anything, cuz he was the one who was making, but then feelings kept manifesting how I wanted to get new clothes and nice things too. It sucks seeing your hubby all fresh with new and nice things while you're wearing old clothes, old crap phone, and junk. And instead of talking to him about it, I just started buying stuff too like he would. You can bet your butt that it just made it much worse, cuz then it was both of us spending a lot. I had stopped and what I wound up doing was going over what we spend. My husband finally saw that he was spending way too much, too often and it sunk in. So that I wouldn't get such a short end of the stick, he agreed that when he gets something, I'll get something too. So if he were to get a new shirt, I'd get one too. But we'd only do that maybe about once a month. Something that I had thought of that could work was taking out cash and have that as spending money. Like 40 bucks spending money. We never did that since with cash it seemed to go a lot quicker and I was scared that would just back fire.

It took us both a while to get where we are now. We've had plenty of our share on over drafting, missing bills, and even borrowing money. We've been married for 4 years now and all I can say is it did not happen over night and it didn't even get fixed after just a month. You have to break habits and that's hard. Oh... And at one point I actually took my husbands debit card (with him fully willingly) and that helped. You just have to keep looking over what you've both spend over the last paycheck before payday and remind him how he's doing. This will also help you see the difference the two of you spend since sometimes it just FEELS like they get more but it's either not as much or it's about the same. Oh and I've left my card with my hubby several times and longer since I didn't work and it helped me just stay home and not spend anything.

I hope I helped a bit, sorry that I sorta ranted rather than just getting straight to the point. Lol.