This is the first chapter of a story that I started writing, then stopped writing, then started again, then forgot about, then brainstormed for, etc. I have a rough idea for the plot, but my style is just to have an idea and write until a whole story forms. So far I've never written to the end of a "book," and I like this story so much that I've already started coming up with ideas for an entire series based in its world, and I'd really like to finish this at some point.
What I'm most worried about is the narrative style and the flow, but if anyone has any advice whatsoever, I'd love to hear it. ♥
“I don't understand, sir. How did you know?”
Dodgson was forced to hold back a satisfied grin, but only barely managed to do so. It wasn't necessary anymore for the new recruits to address him with formalities such as 'sir' or even the occasional 'lieutenant,' but hearing the title once again was a generous stroke to his already overinflated ego. The state of mind wasn't exactly foreign to him, but tonight it had the potential to cause more trouble than he knew he could handle. For that reason he did his best not to let the moment of pride swell his head too greatly. Some bombshell at the bar might be hearing about it soon enough.
The man surveyed the scene before him with an at once indifferent and wary eye. He searched idly for the reason he had even bothered to leave home that night, but was distracted by the activity filling up the limited space of the warehouse's parking lot. Police were kept busy with the task of wrangling up outrageously dressed youths, handcuffing most and packing them away into armored trucks. The party-goers who had been unlucky enough to suffer the side effects of the mixture of their designer drugs and the chemicals from the tear gas were taken into the care of ambulances. The sanctuary the white vehicles provided them was only a temporary arrangement, though, as the druggies would inevitably wind up in a comfy cell at the nearest jail where they rightly belonged. Despite knowing what he was about to face, Dodgson was able to hold himself a little higher with the knowledge that he had been the one to call them in and bring them to justice. Quickly deflated again, of course, with the effort of keeping his thoughts and emotions carefully in check.
“When you get to be my age, son, you pick up a few valuable skills here and there,” he answered the young officer vaguely and unhelpfully after a few moments. Though Dodgson couldn't have been more than ten years older, if even that, it was at once satisfying and amusing to watch the kid puzzling over the choice in words. If the guy would have looked any more like he was back in his days of Pre-Algebra (how long ago had that been? Two, three years?) trying to sort out a particularly difficult formula with the simplest of answers, Dodgson might have burst out laughing. He settled for a smug grin and turned before another word could be exchanged between them.
“I need to find a pin,” he muttered under his breath while he approached the small crowd of ambulances, trucks, and squad cars. The “pin” that would be eradicating his well-deserved righteousness tonight wouldn't take his egotism well – in the sense that they were more than capable of using it against him to render him senseless and reduce him to a babbling heap. He would need to keep his head clear to deal with it at all, and just as the thought was formulating, as though to reaffirm just how correct it had been, his mind was suddenly filled with “...about you stop blinding me with that thing and bring out who I'm really here to see?” Dodgson shivered. There was no way he couldn't have Seen what she was saying, even if he'd concentrated on blocking it out. She was in pain, pissed all to hell, and she was calling him out; willing him to do what he so often was meant not to. He saw her intentionally filling her mind with fire.
Come out, come out, Alex.
“Yeah, yeah.” Alex Dodgson sighed and made his way the last few yards to the back of the ambulance where Loli Hatter was busy fighting off a paramedic's persistent attempts to examine her eyes with the use of a penlight.
“Come on, lady, work with me. It's standard procedure. Just one look at your pupils and we're both outta here, alright?”
Loli's short, dark red hair - streaked with bubblegum pink and magenta – was in disarray, sticking up at odd angles in the back and plastered to her forehead in the front. Her soft black knee-length jacket had dropped thoughtlessly from her shoulders to hang around her arms, and her short, sleek lilac dress was hiked up over her crossed legs, exposing a generous expanse of the flawless skin of her thighs. Her heavy eye makeup was running, black mascara and eyeliner streaking her face through gas-induced tears and sweat. Her face and body, as always, held both the innocent softness of a young child and the sharpened cynicism of an old crone. Looking upon her small frame and fey features, one might think they were staring at a fairytale creature who had somehow lost its wings. Her eyes were noticeably bloodshot from effects of the tear gas, and when they looked up upon the man's approach Alex had to do all in his power to repress another shudder.
“You'll not be looking at anything of mine,” Loli said to the paramedic with her eyes still set firmly on Alex.
The paramedic sneered, and was letting loose the first syllables of his retort when Dodgson interjected with, “It's fine. I'll take over the examination while I interrogate her. You can find someone else to tend to.”
Loli smiled smugly, and gave the man a cheerful wave. Pausing only to stare with hateful incredulity at the woman's behavior, the paramedic turned and stalked off to a group of sickly people and ambulances with a mutter of “Stubborn bitch,” piercing the air behind him.
Jumping from her perch on the back of the ambulance, Loli shouted vindictively, “She knows you're cheating on her!”
“Whoa, now.” Mercifully, the man hadn't heard her and continued walking away, and Alex grabbed Loli by the shoulders and began to lead her in a conveniently opposite direction. “Let's not go doing that out in public,” he said in a half-hushed tone as they walked. “What would you have done if he'd turned around? How about we wait until you're sober before –”
“I'm fine, Alex.” Loli threw off his hands as they got closer to Dodgson's not-so-indiscriminately repainted squad car, though the action of denying herself his touch seemed to pain her at least somewhat. Alex was quick to pick up on the typical druggie touchy-feely behavior. He placed a hand under her chin.
“May I?”
Loli shrugged, and Alex held her head steady with his hand, turning her face toward the orange glow of a streetlight. Her eyes were completely black, ringed only slightly by the dark blue of her irises fighting for control over the enlarged pupils. He grunted; she was coming down, at least. “How much Feel have you taken tonight?”
The sensation of holding on to a jaw that was being set in defiance caused Alex to nervously release his hold on her. Loli crossed her arms, flexed her neck muscles, and rolled her shoulders back. “Enough so I can still get my jollies from your company, Alex, as well as glean every single thought that crosses your arrogant little mind. Not enough that I'll feel any regret for giving you a good, hard clocking if you keep patronizing me.”
Alex grinned – and didn't make any attempt to hide it – at the laughable thought of the rebellious little waif trying to cause him any physical damage. He imagined it would be on par with a chipmunk going one-on-one with a tree trunk. He spoke as Loli's eyes were narrowing to avoid having to explain away his amusement, “Your friends bein' towed off to the station there are still falling over themselves to touch on one another. Think you might be coherent enough to have a talk with me, or are you still tripping on funny colors?”
Loli smiled cagily. “I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together.”
“Koo koo ka choo,” Alex responded dryly. “I'm gonna need a serious answer here, Ringo.”
“John,” Loli corrected. “But kudos anyway.” The toe of a knee-high platformed boot dug impatiently into gravel. Even with the clunky contraptions giving her added height, the top of Loli's head barely reached Alex's chin, but she carried herself and set her gaze upon him as though she towered over him. “Those people over there? They're not my friends. I never even seen them before tonight.” Her lips, which had been set into a cold smile, suddenly turned hard. “But even so, I don't believe that gave you the right to choke them with tear gas.” She enunciated firmly, adding extra weight to each syllable.
Alex felt his insides squirm and turn icy simultaneously. He'd been prepared for her rage, but had forgotten just how effectively she could utilize it – against himself, in particular, given the rather strange bond they shared. He had suffered through much worse and gradually learned to shield himself against it, but at times there was just no way to avoid it. He had the upper hand at a distance, but face-to-face, she was in control. Her tendency to turn the tide of his abilities and shove her thoughts and emotions like a sword down his throat worked best when she was in plain sight of him, using thought, presence, and appearance to fully capture her essence and have it be known to him; whether he liked it or not. The best he could do in defense was to put up shields against the worst of it and take on the pain from the rest.
“You wanted me to do what, then? Tell the police to ask them to come quietly? Give 'em a fighting chance? They were engaging in criminal activity, Hatter.”
“Oh, like you give a fuck!” Loli stamped a three-inch tall boot somewhat childishly and uncrossed her arms to hold them stiffly at her sides, fists clenched and trembling. “You didn't even need to turn them in. What would you get out of it, huh? Nothing! You're not a cop anymore! You've got no bullshit 'protect and serve' credo to hide behind now!”
“That's right,” Alex smirked and turned his coat collar up against a sudden chill in the night air. “But they were in the way. I was in a 'means justify the end' sorta mindset. Seeing a basement full of loser druggies getting gassed was just a perk.”
The skinny woman turned her eyes away from him in disgust, her rage seeming to dissolve into frustrated despair with the arrival of the cool breeze that made her shrink into herself. “So that's what it comes around to. You made all of this happen just to find me.” Loli shook her head slowly. “I fucking knew it.”
“Shit, Hatter, what else would you expect? I go looking for you, and what do I See but a whole damn warehouse full of users rubbin' up on each other in a motherfucking Feel rave! Maybe it was your own damn fault for accepting an invite to that kinda party in the first place.”
The fiery little redhead turned on him suddenly. Though she didn't lay a single finger on him, the force of her presence moving so violently against him was enough to make him stumble just the slightest. The ebony depths of her eyes blazed as they bore into him.
“No. That ain't gonna fly. I don't want to hear you pulling that shit on me, you pathetic walking sack of egotism.” Her upper lip curled into a cruel smile, and Alex found himself slipping into the awestruck trance she was so adept at forcing upon others. He fought hard against it, keeping his composure when she wrapped the fingers of one hand around his coat lapel and made a show of pulling him closer. “Maybe I shouldn't have been here tonight,” she hissed. “Maybe it was my fault. But you've got no right knowing anything about what I choose to do with my life.” Loli released his coat and pushed hard against him. She turned dramatically on one heel and began to stalk away toward the nearest street.
Stay the fuck out of my head!
Dodgson took a moment to watch her walking, his head temporarily fuzzy with the raw emotion that he had been attempting to block for the entirety of their conversation. He allowed himself a break in which to allow Loli to gain some ground and lessen the blow from the intensity of what he Saw in her. A small break. Tiny. The span of a couple of seconds, perhaps a bit more, before he called out to her:
“Don't want to know why I'm here?”
“No,” she shouted without turning.
Alex huffed and started after her at a slower and steadier pace. “I went to a lot of trouble to-”
“Don't care.”
“C'mon, Hatter.” He was chasing her down the cracked, uneven sidewalk of the warehouse's road access, sensing that her small show of defiance was wearing thin when she hesitated slightly upon reaching a stretch of unlit road. Her stubbornness seemed to win out, however, and she continued on regardless of what dangers might lay ahead in the darkness. Dodgson exhaled with exasperation. “Hatter? Hatter!” He jogged to catch up, and caught her arm just as she was beginning to build momentum to run from him. “Hey, would you- Come on!” He held her struggling figure by the shoulders, forcing her to turn and face him. He met her withering glare impassively, though he felt every ounce of it pass through his body.
“Don't toy with me, Lieutenant.” She spat the word out like a curse, and Alex's internal self groaned. It was not an easy task attempting to hide any of his thoughts from the girl. Somehow they were always picked up from out of nowhere. The title that should have carried with it honor and pride stung him now like an insult, and he hated that she had ruined another of his little joys.
Regardless, Dodgson attempted to appear calm. Lot of good that would do, since he knew now she would easily sense that he was far from being so. “Not toying with you, Hatter. We can argue about your little friends-” Loli had opened her mouth to retort, but Dodgson grabbed her chin and shook it lightly to stop words from escaping, “We can argue about it another time. Right now I need to talk to you.”
“Would've been difficult to talk to me if I'd been eating tear gas, don't you think?”
Alex paused, genuinely caught off guard. He considered this, then said, “Hadn't thought of it.”
“I'm not really surprised.” Loli jerked her face from his grasp and took a couple of steps back. Her figure began to seem more relaxed with her small moment of superiority, and she took several visibly deep breaths. Dodgson allowed her, even though his throat was begging to let lose a plea for the defense of his pride. He choked it down bitterly to save the trouble of another fight and tempt the girl into becoming more compliant. “Fine,” Loli finally sighed. “I'll bite. Why are you here?”
“I need your help.”
A raised eyebrow made Alex sigh, but the girl let loose anyway with “Me? You need my help, mister I'm-So-Great, I-Can-Do-Anything-On-My-Own-Without-Any-Help-From-Anyone?”
“Pretty long last name, there...”
“Last time I saw you, I was lower than shit to you. 'No man with any sense of pride would associate with a little loser girl like you.' Isn't that right? And now you need that loser's help? Oh, this is priceless! This is just so delicious, I could drench it in ketchup and eat it for fucking dinner!”
Alex turned his face away while she spoke, not wanting to be bombarded with her dark glee. Even if it was preferable to her hate, it was still nothing less than painful to have to take on her smug satisfaction. It was only when she paused for breath that he dared to look her in the eye. “It's not like I'm proud of being cornered into this. It's just that the situation calls for somebody with your... history.”
Loli crossed her arms and jerked her head toward the mass of police cars and ambulances they had left a few hundred yards behind them. “Go get one of the other 'losers,' then. You got your pick over there.”
“Can't. I need you.”
“Why?”
Alex set his jaw, unwilling to say the words aloud. Instead he tilted his head forward and met her gaze intently. “You know why.”
Loli stared out at nothing, but pointed her gaze in the general direction of the warehouse parking lot's activity so that she would have the appearance of staring at something. Alex knew that she was thinking – possibly lamenting, as he often did – over the heavy meaning his words carried. “Yeah,” she said quietly, seeming as always more willing to accept the truth than Alex was. “I guess I do.”
“There are places that you can get to that I can't. People that you can talk to, things that... Well, I could go on, but I think you get it. I need you to be my eyes.”
“That's a terrible expression. 'I need you to be my eyes'? Makes me think of myself as a pair of giant floating eyeballs on a leash or somethin'.” Loli made her hands into goggles around her eyes and looked at him through them. “And besides, brown isn't really my color.”
“Can we be serious, please? And no, it's not your color, but what is really?” He stared pointedly at her tri-colored, glitter-coated hair.
“Good point. All right, I'm being serious.” Loli's brightened expression couldn't hide that she was excited about the idea of working on some low-profile assignment. Given the hostility that he generally received from her, Alex was more than pleased that she felt that way, and felt renewed belief in himself and what he was trying to accomplish with the girl.
“First of all, I need to know where you get your supply.”
“Supply?”
Alex sighed, looking into drug-riddled eyes that barely masked a lie with a gloss of innocence. “You know what I'm talking about. The Feel. Where do you get it?”
“Why? Should I warn them to duck and cover?”
“I'm not gonna bust them. Even if I had the power to anymore, that's the last thing I want to do. I need you to interrogate them.”
Loli stared him down with intense scrutiny, and Alex could feel that she knew he was after more than the takedown of a dangerous illegal substance, but the middle of a dark street was hardly the place for him to confirm her thoughts with an explanation. “Let's go somewhere else, shall we?”
“I don't know if I want to help you, Alex. You're asking me to put some of my closest friends into the middle of this, and god knows I don't usually agree with your motivations.”
“All I can tell you now, in public, is that I'm not looking to mess up anything in your life.” He began walking back to the warehouse, in the direction of his parked car. “I just want the truth.”
Loli followed him, having to walk at least half a step faster to keep up with his long stride. “The truth, huh? I've always known you to be a man who cares more about getting things done than getting information.”
“If everything goes right, it might be one and the same.”
“You need the truth about Feel, Alex, is that it? You want to know who's distributing it, so you can take 'em down?” Loli's words seemed to be chosen carefully, and it was obvious she didn't believe it would be his intention, so she was digging for it in any way she could.
Alex looked straight ahead to the car, his mood dropping steadily toward forced apathy with the thought of what he was to deal with. “No,” he said. “The truth about what Feel is.”
Loli stopped, and Alex glanced over his shoulder to see that she was staring at him with both shock and incredulity. He continued walking to his car, too tired from the night's activity and thinking on the subject to say any more.
Soon after, however, he heard the girl's footsteps hurrying to catch up with him.
I've only just started reading, and it's late so I won't be able to give a real critique until tomorrow, but I just wanted to point out that you have something of a "voice" in your writing. That's good, I don't see it a lot in stuff I read online. It shows that you put some thought into what you're putting down on the page.
Cold silence has a tendency
to atrophy any sense of compassion
between supposed lovers.
Between supposed brothers.
Aw, thank you. =3 I was worried about that, actually. I put too much thought into writing, usually, so it takes a long time for it to get anywhere - I worry that it sounds too robotic by the time I finish.
Okay, sorry this took so long. I woke up late today and had to go out earlier.
So, onto the review.
First off, I... don't actually have that much to say. And that's because my critiquing style is to pretty much gloss over the positives and try to point out areas that need improvement. You're not making a lot of the mistakes I normally see, which I find really impressive, given that I see them in published books more often than not. I don't think I really need to list out the things you aren't doing wrong, do I? I mean, I can, if you think it would help you. Let me know.
I will say this, though, I would keep reading, which is something else I don't end up saying much in a review. I'm sufficiently interested that I'd read more.
Now, one thing that stands out a bit is that what's going on so far is a tad difficult to follow. I think the first instance of See in the text works well, as it causes a double take before the reader realizes its intentional and sets up what's coming. But after that, I got kind of lost as to what exactly was going on. Like, is this Feel drug the whole issue, or are these characters psychic in some way beyond that? I assume Feel somehow induces synesthesia in the user? The way you use egotism in the narrative, I gather it's more than just a descriptive term. Am I right in this? And Hatter has some kind of reverse empathy thing going on? As I said, I'm not entirely clear on the whole psychic angle. (There is a psychic angle, right? I'll feel really stupid, if not.
On to the actual writing, the only issue I really have with it is that your sentences tend to be a bit convoluted. Like, they stretch on a bit too long, and their meaning isn't clear until you've read the entire thing and then assembled back in the context of the paragraph. I guess the simplest way to put it across is that there are flow issues. The way the sentences are worded, they break up the reading process and make the story harder to follow. Unfortunately, it's hard to show you exactly what I mean without line-editing and this isn't really the format to do that in.
I think it would help though if you went through and cut out any words that can reasonably gotten rid of without changing the meaning of the sentence. In other cases, maybe breaking the sentences up or rearranging them might make it a bit easier to follow.
Now, if, on the other hand, this style of long, somewhat-fractured ideas is a device to frame Alex's viewpoint, I can understand why you did it, and I do think the reader will get used to it eventually, just... you might risk losing readers, the way it's written at the moment. If that is the case, I think you could reach a compromise of verisimilitude and accessibility with some careful editing.
Other than that, though, I can't think of much else to comment on. The pacing, dialogue, characterization, and everything else I didn't mention all seemed to more or less work. If you want specific comments on anything else, let me know. Or just if you have any questions.
If you decide to post more, I'll definitely read and review it for you. :)
Cold silence has a tendency
to atrophy any sense of compassion
between supposed lovers.
Between supposed brothers.
You were right in that Alex and Loli share a psychic connection. In addition, the main effect of Feel is higher levels of empathy in the user. I have a small prologue written that explores the drug a bit more through Loli's perspective, but I'm not happy with the way it's written. I'm still deciding whether to cut it to bits and put it back together, or change it entirely, or just leave it out.
I noticed the flow when I was reading back through it (I started writing that chapter a good year or so ago and barely finished it about two months back). I'm glad I had it up for somebody else to read, because I wasn't sure if it was just me being over-analytical. Like I said before, sometimes I put too much thought into writing, and it doesn't end up looking quite right. I'm going to go through and see if I can't simplify it.
I'm so glad you had some good things to say too~ It makes me want to keep going on with it, so thank you for that.
Okay, I just wasn't sure if they simply had a bond with each other or were out-and-out telepaths.
About the flow, I think in places your sentences are slightly too technical. Take for instance, this sentence:
Alex grinned – and didn't make any attempt to hide it – at the laughable thought of the rebellious little waif trying to cause him any physical damage.
It's just kind of cluttered and is a bit of a chore to read. Just for purposes of example (and if this offends, please, slap me and I won't do it again), it could be rewritten something like
Alex grinned shamelessly at the thought of the rebellious little waif trying to hurt him.
to say the same thing in fewer words. You do run the risk of losing nuance by doing that sort of editing, and I obviously couldn't account for that, but I'm just trying to point out what I mean. The changes don't have to be drastic, either, even a word or two excised can help with the flow.
Anyway, you're welcome, and good luck with this project. There's actually more I could have said to compliment it (like your use of a consistent point-of-view and using it characterize Alex), but as I said, I don't tend to dwell on the things that aren't problematic. Hence the rather short critique. :)
Cold silence has a tendency
to atrophy any sense of compassion
between supposed lovers.
Between supposed brothers.
Trisphee
