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RinLin RinLin is offline
Blue Fish
Default My first short story   #1  
I wrote this in 2012.
'The idea was building up in my head as I was trying to sleep, so I decided to write it.
What do you think? Too mushy? Good? Bad?
I was trying really hard for it to be both sad and beautiful, I hope I succeeded.
I almost cried as I wrote it, seeing the tragic in it.
It's all fiction, but I wouldn't be surprised if there was a similar story somewhere.'

Me and Marylin
Old Posted 07-12-2016, 10:23 PM Reply With Quote  
Default   #2   Suzerain of Sheol Suzerain of Sheol is offline
Desolation Denizen
Quote:
Originally Posted by RinLin View Post
It's all fiction, but I wouldn't be surprised if there was a similar story somewhere.'
As it so happens, a cousin to whom I was very close was an absolute genius of a writer and died of myocardial heart failure in his early 20s, I helped his family get his works published, but he was a miserable cynic like me and his works weren't very uplifting, unlike your character's. Don't think we ever sold a single copy.

Regarding your story, there were a few issues that prevented me from really enjoying it. Namely, the narrator has basically no character, which makes their experience fall flat to the reader. They're just stating facts about events that happened like they're giving a report, it isn't the sort of writing that invokes emotion. The way you handle the passing of time, cramming many years into a story that's barely two pages long, makes it feel very detached.

Secondly, there's quite a few implausible details. A two-year hospital stay, even for a devastating amputation like that, is straining credibility. It's probably petty to raise a "realistic" concern like this, but my 6-month hospital stay racked up almost a million dollars in expenses. That family must have some amazing insurance. Hospitals generally do their best to get patients out as soon as possible, though home nursing is often involved, yes. I don't know the specifics of recovery from traumatic leg injuries, but I wouldn't think that past the first couple months there'd be all that much the hospital could do for her.

Related to that, though, I also don't understand why she dies. As in, what actually kills her, it isn't clear. It also seems like a cop-out to have her "die peacefully in her sleep", was she sedated on drugs? Did she suffer a catastrophic cerebral hemorrhage in her sleep? It just seems extremely convenient, and frankly since you specifically asked for this kind of feedback, it massively lessened the impact of her death for me. It reads like she was at peace with it and she didn't suffer. If she was wracked by agonizing pain for months, slowly losing more and more of her faculties and eventually succumbing to organ failure, I'd be more sympathetic to the tragedy of her death. Or, hell, if she'd just gotten splattered by that car and not subsisted in a strung-out living death, it would have hit a lot harder.

Anyway, the final thing I wanted to mention was the... verisimilitude of a 14?-year-old girl's post-traumatic rambling being some sort of sage-like wisdom gaining mass popularity. Have you ever looked at the writing of 14-year-olds? If we're being blunt about it, that poem at the end isn't exactly uplifting me to a higher plane of spiritual consideration on life.
Cold silence has a tendency
to atrophy any sense of compassion
between supposed lovers.
Between supposed brothers.
Old Posted 07-13-2016, 12:16 AM Reply With Quote  
Quiet Man Cometh Quiet Man Cometh is offline
We're all mad here.
Default   #3  
I think I have to second a lot of what's in Suze's critique. I think I understand what the general intent is, but I have a hard time getting around the facts of it. Mainly, the accident. I've also had a good pile of health problems, and to me the idea of losing legs in a car accident isn't enough to merit such a sad approach to life. I get the feeling that there is or should be something else going on.

I think it's hard for me to be too emotional about this because it reminds me of when I was younger and ill, spending a lot of time and bed and also writing, but I'm still here, still writing, have had stuff published like I wanted to... I just don't see why Marylin should be so wrapped up with lost dreams.
Last edited by Quiet Man Cometh; 07-13-2016 at 03:31 AM.
Old Posted 07-13-2016, 03:28 AM Reply With Quote  
Default   #4   RinLin RinLin is offline
Blue Fish
Okay, thank you.
So you liked nothing. Good to know.
Last edited by RinLin; 07-13-2016 at 08:56 AM.
Old Posted 07-13-2016, 07:06 AM Reply With Quote  
Quiet Man Cometh Quiet Man Cometh is offline
We're all mad here.
Default   #5  
It's hard to say because it's just not something I'm connecting with, and that will naturally affect my opinion about it.

You've mentioned Sweden before. Is English your second language? There are some grammatical ticks that lead me to think that way.
Old Posted 07-14-2016, 02:00 AM Reply With Quote  
Default   #6   RinLin RinLin is offline
Blue Fish
Yes. I am Swedish, but this was four years ago. I am so sorry my English is not perfect, but I am far better at it than the average Swede, just so you know.

Admin, please delete and lock this thread. It makes me feel extremely sad and worthless.
Old Posted 07-14-2016, 08:22 AM Reply With Quote  
Lawtan Lawtan is offline
Dragon Storm
Default   #7  
...I am not sure, but something I often have to work on: criticism against a work does not make the creator less of a person or less valued. So, Suze and Quiet's criticism is not towards you, as much as ways the plot could be improved. Suze may just be a bit negative about it from time to time.

Now as for the work, it has a good romantic quality - in the "childhood innocence" sort of way (not the lovey-dovy sort). You could easily expand on the details in the story - show the events and describe something happening.

Example:



Think of what you have now as the summary or outline of a story. (Or a poem - with the right words, the shorter sentence structure at the beginning could set the rhythm to a eulogy to a dead young writer)

...Sorry if this isn't helpful.
Lawtan: A chaotic dragoness with issues.
__

��s ofer�ode, �isses sw� m�g.

__


Science, horror, folklore, and cuteness incoming!
Last edited by Lawtan; 07-14-2016 at 07:49 PM.
Old Posted 07-14-2016, 07:47 PM Reply With Quote  
Default   #8   RinLin RinLin is offline
Blue Fish
It is done. I do not need to "improve" or change anything.
Thank you. I will never post any of my written works here again.
Old Posted 07-14-2016, 09:24 PM Reply With Quote  
Quiet Man Cometh Quiet Man Cometh is offline
We're all mad here.
Default   #9  
Rin, I'm not faulting you, and I can see that your English is very good. I did have some comments about that but I will leave those aside.

If you are going to share your writing publicly, and ask for opinions, you have to be prepared for a variety of responses, some of which you will probably not like. I don't think any author gets through a patch of writing without bruises. It's your choice to share or not, but be aware that there will be negative replies and you have to decide what to take from them.
Old Posted 07-14-2016, 11:23 PM Reply With Quote  
Default   #10   RinLin RinLin is offline
Blue Fish
I never asked for any critique. Sure, I said what do you think, but keep in mind that CRITIQUE DOESN'T MEAN IT'S OKAY TO BE NASTY.
So many people think they will help, when they in reality just brings ones confidence down. SO, yeah. I have plenty of stories in the making, but now I don't feel good enough on continuing them. Thanks for taking away my will to write by being a nasty shit.
Old Posted 07-15-2016, 06:52 AM Reply With Quote  
Salone Salone is offline
Problem to the Solution
Default   #11  
Rinny mate, I don't think anyone's intent was to be mean or nasty. They were asked their thoughts on the story at hand and delivered. While it might not be what you wanted to hear, they're simply participating in the dialogue they were asked to enter in to. So far everyone has been quite civil.

This is an opportunity. You said yourself that you wrote this in 2012. That was four years ago, and both the storyteller and the way they tell stories has grown in that amount of time. You've shown us where you were, now is your chance to show everyone where you are now, how you've cultivated and refined your style of writing.

Please don't take it as harsh criticism designed to stifle your voice. The people of Trisphee are a (mostly) creative bunch, and enjoy differences and exploration of creative styles. Some have different avenues that they like to explore, and not all of them have interests in every vein of of writing, but I can guarantee you that no one here wants to stop you from picking up a pencil (or keyboard) to tell a story.

I mean, let me tell you about my first real story that I ever wrote. It was dumb. I thought I was the hottest thing, I was going to be so revolutionary. I had an ongoing thing with 50k words and climbing.

And then someone read it. It was getting less than stellar feedback. And instead of taking that feedback and being able to admit where I was weak, I got teary eyed and deleted it and never went back to it, and from that point I never tried to write seriously again outside of roleplays or what have you. I could have tried to prove the detractors wrong, but instead I proved them right by never having the guts to write again or to attempt to roll with their critique and produce something better. I failed. I shut off an entire avenue of expression that I am sure I have suffered for.

Don't make my mistake Rinny. Use it as fuel to make something better.
Old Posted 07-15-2016, 06:13 PM Reply With Quote  
Default   #12   RinLin RinLin is offline
Blue Fish
I have better stories, but I will not link to them.
And don't call me Rinny.
Old Posted 07-15-2016, 07:45 PM Reply With Quote  
Quiet Man Cometh Quiet Man Cometh is offline
We're all mad here.
Default   #13  
I didn't think I was being nasty, and if I came off that way it certainly wasn't intended, but I was being honest.

Some parting words since I'm assuming you'd rather not hear more from me on the topic of writing:

If one person's critique (or even a few) can make you lose the will to write, than perhaps you need to think again about why you are writing. I expect you are not writing for me, so to feel that worthlessness over what I said about your writing is giving me too much power.

This is not unique, I've encountered all of it myself. Everyone who writes has probably felt a punch in the gut from a comment or critique. It's also very easy online with now voice or face input, to imagine someone is being meaner than they are. It helps to keep that in mind, even if it really does feel like someone is being mean.
Last edited by Quiet Man Cometh; 07-15-2016 at 09:09 PM.
Old Posted 07-15-2016, 09:07 PM Reply With Quote  
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