[Quiet Man Cometh]

My entry for the User Appreciated Event fanfiction contest. I wrote this in a few hours, thinking the dealine was much earlier than it really was. It's the first thing I've written and finished in a while. :). I went with these characters because they were the two I am most familiar with from reading other Trisphee fanfiction.

Murder of Crows

In the valley of barren trees he almost looked like one himself. His grey, tattooed body and long, clawed hands could serve as an adequate perch for the dark birds he watched. The flock stepped around him, around the standing trunks and roots of the trees, delicately picking what little meat remained on the bones left behind by another bloody skirmish. This group was small, latecomers to the table. So was he.

Azeil never failed to know where she was. Shadows were everywhere. If there was a subject in existence there was a shadow somewhere beneath it. The black birds had their shadows, sometimes hardly distinguishable from their bodies. They didn't trouble themselves with the machinations of the war, but they still followed her. She was their bountiful lady, leaving strings of corpses in her wake for the birds to feast on; such that even this lowly sparse flock could find a few ribbons of meat to satisfy themselves. He wondered if she noticed them sitting in the trees or if her eyes were too focused on the soul in font of her. He could see them; sat in their ring with them as they watched and waited for their table to be laid and then flocking after their queen to her next end.

Her next end was not his, fortunately or not, and he parted ways with the murder of crows. There were stories, he had heard, that the crows brought death with them or followed in his wake. Her wake, perhaps, as the case may be. He fancied that he knew death as well as the next person, possibly better, and he was positive about one thing: death did not have a halo and red eyes.




.[Ending Edit #1]

Her next end was not his, fortunately or not, and he parted ways with the murder of crows. There were stories, he had heard, that the crows brought death with them or followed in his wake. Her wake, perhaps, as the case may be. He did not think it would ever occur to himself to do the same thing. He imagined he knew death as well as the next person, and he was positive about one thing: death didn't have a halo and red eyes.

[Original Ending]

He had heard the stories and the fears. How the crows and ravens come and bring death with them. How funny that all the philosophers on the topic should get it all backwards. These crows didn't follow Death though, because Death doesn't have a halo and red eyes.

[Serra Britt]

Yes, it is pretty short :p But nicely written too, I think it's rather good. I really should have motivated myself to enter the writing contest xD

[Suzerain of Sheol]

This was my personal favorite out of the three. I really like the the almost wistful tone of the piece. I have to say, though, the third paragraph is kind of weak to me. It just falls a little flat when I read it. And sounds a bit too affected.

[Quiet Man Cometh]

Yeah, that part was rushed. What do you mean by "affected"? I'm not really following.

[Suzerain of Sheol]

Oh, like too obviously trying to achieve a certain effect.

[Quiet Man Cometh]

Ah. Gotcha. I'll give it a re-write when I have a moment and see what I can do with it to make it better.

[Quiet Man Cometh]

Okay, I reworte the ending quickly here, just put a different spin on it. I think it fits a little better with the story and feels a little less tacked on, though I may change that opinion when I wake up tomorrow.

[Sadrain]

Hm, I like it, but there is this one thing bugging me... The "didn't's".
While, first time it is not so bothersome, the second... it absolutely trips the whole steady flow, it takes away the serious flow. I think it would sound much better, much more firm if it was like: "He imagined he knew death as well as the next person, and he was positive about one thing: death did not have a halo and red eyes."
But that is my deeply personal opinion.

[Quiet Man Cometh]

Is it just in the ending, or the entire piece? I'll have a look. I didn't read the whole thing over properly, I was quite tired but I had been putting off the re-write for so long that I decided just to sit down and get it done.

I used "did not" the first time because I dislike repetition. Being the only use of a contraction that I can see however, I can understand that it might stand out too much from the rest of the story. I can't help but think that "did not" followig after "did not" in the previous is too repetative sounding, especially since there's not style purpose behing it.

I can understand personal taste of course. I happen to be extraodinarily picky with my words but that doesn't mean I always manage the best fit even for my own purposes. Thanks for the comment. :)

[Sadrain]

It's just that where you used did not would sound fine with didn't, but the didn't doesn't sound as fine as it would with did not.
But, yeah, I guess I am picky, too, with the full forms of words. xD Just thought I would drop a note. C:

[Quiet Man Cometh]

Ah, I see. I guess I used the contractions where I don't neccessarily want extra attention placed. It feels to me like it would weigh down the sentence too much.

[Suzerain of Sheol]

I think the re-write is an improvement, except for this line:

He did not think it would ever occur to himself to do the same thing.

It just feels clunky to me. Mostly the "himself" in there. The whole thing though feels a bit unwieldy, though.

[Quiet Man Cometh]

Hmm. I have more ponderings to do.

Thanks Sheol. :)

[Quiet Man Cometh]

Alright, minute edits to the ending. Better?