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Misericorde Misericorde is offline
Goddess Of Mercy
Default At a loss for what to do and think... (Sort of mature?)   #1  
So about a month and a half ago, I was introduced to a really great guy through one of our mutual friends. He's smart, funny, kind, caring, honest, and sweet. We hit it off really well, and after a mild freak out on his side, we began dating. Everything was good for about two weeks, until he randomly decided to start back peddling again... This time, worse than the last. He called me and started telling me that he's sorry for leading me on, but that he doesn't think this relationship can work because of how he is "dead inside" and "can't feel any emotions" and that my "feelings will never be returned". I started to break down, so I handed the phone to my brother, who began to talk to him. He told him that "for the first time, you fell in love with someone, of course you're going to have doubts and worries", to which he replied "yeah, I guess you're right..." which, basically, admits that he has fallen in love with me, such as I have. I've been spending the better part of a week trying to make him see that all the things he says are not true, but he refuses to accept any of it, and continues repeating the same things to me. He adds on top that I "don't deserve this shit" and that "I'm too nice for this shit". He has also gone as far as saying that "even if he could be 'saved', he's not worth it". Now, I understand that he is 23, never had a girlfriend (every girl he has ever felt something for has lead him on and then turned their back on him), and is still a virgin. He also admitted (to someone else, again), that he thinks we're moving too fast... However, I told him that we didn't have to do anything that made him uncomfortable, and the most we've done is make out and he got blow jobs from me. So naturally, I know that he's going to be afraid. But everything that's happening just makes no sense. He has proved, on multiple occasions, that he does indeed care and have emotions. I ended up overdosing on some medication a couple days ago, and when he found out, he betrayed his words by showing that it upset him. He also betrays his words every time we're together in person, because he's always hugging me, kissing me, cuddling with me, laughing, smiling, and happy. I just really don't know what to do. He has such a shitty view of himself, and can't see how absolutely wonderful he is. He refuses to listen to anything I say, and insists on lying to me and denying what he feels about me... I don't know what else I can do. I don't know how to handle this... I miss him so much and love him so dearly, that it's impossibly painful to not have a good morning text from him every morning to wake up to, or be able to wish him sweet dreams at night. I miss his voice, his touch, everything. I guess I just needed to vent some more about this... No amount of venting seems to be helping, but I need to get this off my chest... Advice is loved but not required... <3
R.i.P MoM ~ I Love You, Always
[♥] Nov.26.2010 [♥]
Old Posted 11-20-2012, 01:32 PM Reply With Quote  
Default   #2   Xun Xun is offline
The Judged
Keep encouraging him and show him love that he'll finally experience with. In due time, he'll eventually appreciate it and accept all the things you've done for him. If he can't be strong, be strong for his sake while reminding him that he has to be strong as well.

...Yeah, I honestly have no idea what else to advise other than cheering him up and reminding him that he was the best thing that ever happened to you in your whole life and what-not.

In any case, hope you two work it out. Reading this makes me think you two are cute together. ...Very weird, but in a very good way.
Old Posted 11-20-2012, 03:32 PM Reply With Quote  
Misericorde Misericorde is offline
Goddess Of Mercy
Default   #3  
Quote:
Originally Posted by Xun View Post
Keep encouraging him and show him love that he'll finally experience with. In due time, he'll eventually appreciate it and accept all the things you've done for him. If he can't be strong, be strong for his sake while reminding him that he has to be strong as well.

...Yeah, I honestly have no idea what else to advise other than cheering him up and reminding him that he was the best thing that ever happened to you in your whole life and what-not.

In any case, hope you two work it out. Reading this makes me think you two are cute together. ...Very weird, but in a very good way.
Aww thank you! All of our mutual friends say the same thing, and that we're perfect for each other... And he IS the best thing to have ever happened to me so I hope he opens his eyes up soon and sees what everyone else sees.
R.i.P MoM ~ I Love You, Always
[♥] Nov.26.2010 [♥]
Old Posted 11-20-2012, 03:44 PM Reply With Quote  
Default   #4   Belial Belial is offline
Trisphee's Mad Hatter
I see so many red flags here I am not quite sure where to begin. . .

Love is scary as hell, yes, but just being physical isn't an indicator of love.

Does he know your favorite color?
Does he know if you like coffee or tea?
Does he remember random facts about you?
Has he done anything for you other than making out or other physical things?

He doesn't seem like he wants to be "saved" and you seem to have made him into a project. If both parties were truly interested, would you really have to do as much "work" as you are already?

He says you both are moving too fast but that doesn't apply to the BJ's you are giving him? That part isn't too fast for him? Pardon my bluntness but your OP strikes me as he is, in fact, using you.

People can lie, just be careful that you don't believe everything people tell you.

[/end guy perspective]
Old Posted 11-20-2012, 11:57 PM Reply With Quote  
Yokuutsu Yokuutsu is offline
Mother Ship
Default   #5  
Refer him to therapy/a psychiatrist.

Because I know how he feels and that could be something that needs therapy because that won't get any better on its own.

That's my only suggestion.
Old Posted 11-21-2012, 01:02 AM Reply With Quote  
Default   #6   Meizicht Meizicht is offline
Cage
I might not give a ton of advice on this subject but, from what you say, I can relate to this guy a lot. Even though I care about people, I don't feel much emotion for anything. I can get upset when someone I care about is in trouble, but that doesn't mean I'm solid on what my feelings are. If he's anything like me, it's a jumbled mess, and sometimes I at least just give up trying to identify emotions, and end up settling inside a "gray area" for most, almost all of my life. Love is complicated to me, but I try really hard. I don't view myself high at all; I think of myself lower than trash, and I'm sure my boyfriend could tell you all about how frequently I drop down into a rut where I tell him to find someone better and that he doesn't deserve the crap I do. I'm also a virgin, at 22 ( rounding up since it's less than a month away, lol ), and I've been betrayed over and over and over again. Cheated on, deceived, used and pitied. Even as a guy, I can say with honesty, if he is anything like me, he is probably really skittish, really fragile. And the thing we need the most is as much affection, reassurance, and attention as possible. It could be frustrating for you, probably - because I'm thinking of this through his eyes, and when I have a fit of depression with my boyfriend, I'm very sure it annoys him to the bone, which makes me terribly insecure - but if you really want to be with him, if it's like this, patience is more than just a virtue; it's necessary.

If it's like this, and he's like this, if it were me, talking from experience, I would love it if just maybe for my boyfriend to patiently hear me rant when I have doubts, reassure me that it's okay, say whatever mushy things, and continue to do so until I felt better. People like me, if this is how it is, aren't used to affection, which makes it really important. Not just physically, but with words too, frequently. And lots of time.

Time, patience, attention, affection, reassurance; all of these, and whatever he says, try to trust that he doesn't want you to let him go. Sometimes when I tell my boyfriend it's best for him to dump me, I would be devastated if he said "okay". And I know it's contradictory to say this and then claim not to feel much emotion, but it's more than just black and white. You'll have to open your mind to maybe get him to tell you more about it, and don't try to assume it's something, not saying you are. I know when I talk about it with people, and they claim to know what I'm talking about, I get frustrated, lol. I'd much rather just have people listen. So listening is another thing.

Hopefully I'm not just rambling. But what you were saying struck a lot of similarity in me. And I figured maybe having advice from a similar perspective as him might be helpful.


Also, I'd like to say that just because he is laughing and smiling and appearing happy, doesn't mean that he is feeling it. All throughout school and life, I came off as the class clown, grinning and joking and such, but really, I had always been stuck inside my gray area. I could never for the life of me understand why people would get so excited as to yell or jump or anything like that. I always wondered about it, but I figured it was never important, until now. I struggle with it a lot, because when I tell people, especially if they know me irl, people have a hard time believing it. Since outwardly, I seem happy all the time. For me, it's just going through the motions. I'm used to it, and it's a routine. But I don't feel it. This doesn't mean he's depressed all the time. It just means he may have a monotone type of "normal". Just because he looks a certain way, doesn't mean what he says isn't true. This is what resonated the most with me, since it just makes me feel trapped in a box when people don't believe me when I tell them I've never been happy like normal people. I don't want to sound harsh but I don't think you should tell him that what he tells you isn't true, about this. That will make him feel like he can't talk to you about it. He might think you don't believe him.

Anyway, this is only if he's anything like I am. If I'm wrong, I apologize. x__x
Old Posted 11-22-2012, 04:49 AM Reply With Quote  
Misericorde Misericorde is offline
Goddess Of Mercy
Default   #7  
Quote:
Originally Posted by Meizicht View Post
I might not give a ton of advice on this subject but, from what you say, I can relate to this guy a lot. Even though I care about people, I don't feel much emotion for anything. I can get upset when someone I care about is in trouble, but that doesn't mean I'm solid on what my feelings are. If he's anything like me, it's a jumbled mess, and sometimes I at least just give up trying to identify emotions, and end up settling inside a "gray area" for most, almost all of my life. Love is complicated to me, but I try really hard. I don't view myself high at all; I think of myself lower than trash, and I'm sure my boyfriend could tell you all about how frequently I drop down into a rut where I tell him to find someone better and that he doesn't deserve the crap I do. I'm also a virgin, at 22 ( rounding up since it's less than a month away, lol ), and I've been betrayed over and over and over again. Cheated on, deceived, used and pitied. Even as a guy, I can say with honesty, if he is anything like me, he is probably really skittish, really fragile. And the thing we need the most is as much affection, reassurance, and attention as possible. It could be frustrating for you, probably - because I'm thinking of this through his eyes, and when I have a fit of depression with my boyfriend, I'm very sure it annoys him to the bone, which makes me terribly insecure - but if you really want to be with him, if it's like this, patience is more than just a virtue; it's necessary.

If it's like this, and he's like this, if it were me, talking from experience, I would love it if just maybe for my boyfriend to patiently hear me rant when I have doubts, reassure me that it's okay, say whatever mushy things, and continue to do so until I felt better. People like me, if this is how it is, aren't used to affection, which makes it really important. Not just physically, but with words too, frequently. And lots of time.

Time, patience, attention, affection, reassurance; all of these, and whatever he says, try to trust that he doesn't want you to let him go. Sometimes when I tell my boyfriend it's best for him to dump me, I would be devastated if he said "okay". And I know it's contradictory to say this and then claim not to feel much emotion, but it's more than just black and white. You'll have to open your mind to maybe get him to tell you more about it, and don't try to assume it's something, not saying you are. I know when I talk about it with people, and they claim to know what I'm talking about, I get frustrated, lol. I'd much rather just have people listen. So listening is another thing.

Hopefully I'm not just rambling. But what you were saying struck a lot of similarity in me. And I figured maybe having advice from a similar perspective as him might be helpful.


Also, I'd like to say that just because he is laughing and smiling and appearing happy, doesn't mean that he is feeling it. All throughout school and life, I came off as the class clown, grinning and joking and such, but really, I had always been stuck inside my gray area. I could never for the life of me understand why people would get so excited as to yell or jump or anything like that. I always wondered about it, but I figured it was never important, until now. I struggle with it a lot, because when I tell people, especially if they know me irl, people have a hard time believing it. Since outwardly, I seem happy all the time. For me, it's just going through the motions. I'm used to it, and it's a routine. But I don't feel it. This doesn't mean he's depressed all the time. It just means he may have a monotone type of "normal". Just because he looks a certain way, doesn't mean what he says isn't true. This is what resonated the most with me, since it just makes me feel trapped in a box when people don't believe me when I tell them I've never been happy like normal people. I don't want to sound harsh but I don't think you should tell him that what he tells you isn't true, about this. That will make him feel like he can't talk to you about it. He might think you don't believe him.

Anyway, this is only if he's anything like I am. If I'm wrong, I apologize. x__x
Though this does sound like him, he has completely shut me out. I can't even talk to him anymore. He deleted me off fb, not blocked though, and gets really mean if I decide to text him. I really don't know what else to do... All of these suggestions would be great if he didn't shut me out like this...
R.i.P MoM ~ I Love You, Always
[♥] Nov.26.2010 [♥]
Old Posted 11-25-2012, 11:48 PM Reply With Quote  
Default   #8   Lauv Keiko Lauv Keiko is offline
Silent Scream
¤ ¤¤ ¤¤ ¤¤ ¤¤ ¤¤ ¤¤ ¤¤ ¤


woman, you just overdosed yourself with something??
when was this? =_=

¤ ¤¤ ¤¤ ¤¤ ¤¤ ¤¤ ¤¤ ¤¤ ¤

^Toxxic art
art by chocobo & honey
Old Posted 11-26-2012, 12:13 AM Reply With Quote  
Meizicht Meizicht is offline
Cage
Default   #9  
Well, if it were me, and the situation was me and my boyfriend with the information you've given, the source of my anger would be more... "He didn't listen to me"/"I'm tired of being a stupid shit"/"Instead of thinking too much on it, I'll spare everyone by making him hate me".
I isolate often, but I simply disappear off the face of the earth instead of getting angry with people. So I'm not exactly sure what must've happened. I know there's probably a lot more to it, so it could be many things.
Wish I could tell you more; all I can tell you is my own behavior which seems similar.
All I can really say is if this isn't pity of any kind, and you really do love him, don't message him a lot; just give him a long, honest message about what you genuinely think. Like what you like about him, how much you miss him; if something happened to cause his shutting out, maybe explain your side ( if it has to do with you, Iknownothing,so ). But if you're not sure in any way about loving him, if you have any doubts, then the best thing would be leaving him be.
I speak from experience; it doesn't matter if we don't feel much, I know I get attached so badly that if the other person isn't in 100%, it'll break me beyond repair. I had a relationship like that a couple years ago, and I wish he would've simply broke it off with me quickly instead of letting it ride out. x__x;
I still haven't really recovered and I unintentionally make Kai ( my boyfriend ) suffer from it. Since I'm a huge glacier, affection-wise. OTL ( I used to practically shower my ex in affection, but then it ended very badly. I can't really bring myself to do all that now, lol )
Saying all of this in hopes that my experiences might give you some kind of insight. Again, I don't know him, so I can't really say anything for sure, lol.

Either way, whichever the outcome, I hope you both work it out. If you're together or going separate ways, only thing that matters here is if people are happy or will be.
Old Posted 11-26-2012, 12:36 AM Reply With Quote  
Default   #10   Misericorde Misericorde is offline
Goddess Of Mercy
Quote:
Originally Posted by Meizicht View Post
Well, if it were me, and the situation was me and my boyfriend with the information you've given, the source of my anger would be more... "He didn't listen to me"/"I'm tired of being a stupid shit"/"Instead of thinking too much on it, I'll spare everyone by making him hate me".
I isolate often, but I simply disappear off the face of the earth instead of getting angry with people. So I'm not exactly sure what must've happened. I know there's probably a lot more to it, so it could be many things.
Wish I could tell you more; all I can tell you is my own behavior which seems similar.
All I can really say is if this isn't pity of any kind, and you really do love him, don't message him a lot; just give him a long, honest message about what you genuinely think. Like what you like about him, how much you miss him; if something happened to cause his shutting out, maybe explain your side ( if it has to do with you, Iknownothing,so ). But if you're not sure in any way about loving him, if you have any doubts, then the best thing would be leaving him be.
I speak from experience; it doesn't matter if we don't feel much, I know I get attached so badly that if the other person isn't in 100%, it'll break me beyond repair. I had a relationship like that a couple years ago, and I wish he would've simply broke it off with me quickly instead of letting it ride out. x__x;
I still haven't really recovered and I unintentionally make Kai ( my boyfriend ) suffer from it. Since I'm a huge glacier, affection-wise. OTL ( I used to practically shower my ex in affection, but then it ended very badly. I can't really bring myself to do all that now, lol )
Saying all of this in hopes that my experiences might give you some kind of insight. Again, I don't know him, so I can't really say anything for sure, lol.

Either way, whichever the outcome, I hope you both work it out. If you're together or going separate ways, only thing that matters here is if people are happy or will be.
I really appreciate all your advice. I backed off for a few weeks, and last week on Wednesday we finally started talking again. I got out all of my emotions, telling him how I felt and how much I missed him... On Thursday, him and some of our mutual friends were going to the gun range, so I surprised him and showed up without him knowing... He ended up texting me that if I wanted to come to talk to him, that I could. So I did. And we spent a good hour talking. I found out that it was indeed his mother that was saying he could do better and what not, and that things hadn't been great at home... But we sorted things out, and even though we aren't officially back together [everyone says we are but we haven't made that decision], things have been great. I joined his gym last night and will be working out with him every monday and wednesday now, so that gives me time to see him and be with him... And he came back to my house last night, and he endedu p losing his virginity... And almost said "I love you" a few times... So I know the emotions are there, and I'm glad they are. Things seem to be going better, and hopefully he can get through to his parents.
R.i.P MoM ~ I Love You, Always
[♥] Nov.26.2010 [♥]
Old Posted 12-11-2012, 05:17 PM Reply With Quote  
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