[Kaunisenkeli]

Lio- I'm sorry to hear about your friend, and that you had to find out via FB and Google. His family shouldn't have kept it from you if they knew you were friends.

[Lioshika]

Eww smokes.

I have to turn heat on. Won't take too long.

[Helsinki Harlot]

Haha yeah. I just have the worst feelings because she was.... really sick. Like terminal sick. And I wanted to get the story done before timeline got a hold of it, but she got sicker and poofed, came back for a bit and never got back to me after our last correspandance. So no matter what, the least I can do is get this story done.

I'll white text it just in case you don't want it openly talked about [/spent 2 minutes trying to figure out how to white text] I don't have personal experience in that but I've had relations with people who have gender/sex things going on. Hell one of my ex's is working through same type of issues. I've gotten to the point where I don't recognize (when with a person) physical sex body but what they identify as. So talk about it all you want. :)

I know how that feels. I've... haha. Oh lord. Looking back. So many things that I've done. Or tried to do. Just blows my mind. Shameful admission; almost drowned in my own vomit one night if it hadn't been for Sarah.

Thank you. It's... it's been, well, when July hits 4 years. I think about him every night I go to bed and every morning I wake up and almost every second of the day. He... made me better. He helped me stop hurting myself. It's... not just because I loved him but he saw something in me that I didn't. And I told myself well, even if I don't think it's true now, maybe I can become this strong, amazing person he sees. I will get better. I will become stronger. First male I've ever had as a role model. He was actually murdered. (I got a tattoo for him I'll link in a bit.)

I am. I got... really bad. A friend of mine told me recently that if I hadn't quit with my binge when I did (another tattoo I'm gonna show in abit) they wanted to have an intervention. But... just because someone dies doesn't mean you get to stop living for what they stood for. It's hard. But I'm trying. :)

[Helsinki Harlot]

Lio; That's... fuckin' awful. -tight hug- Complete and total... just. That's... shit. If I'm not over-stepping boundaries; I've had that a few too many times. One of my friends popped himself a few years ago, and that.... just it's normal for them not to talk to you and it coming out of nowhere? What I've been talking about with Enkeli; Jon, he. He had to take care of his mom (she had MS) and he had to make ends meet. So he had a ton of stuff to do. So it was normal to hear from him. And then out of the blue I get the phone call, weeks after he's dead, because Sarah decided to finally call to check up on him. We wouldn't have known otherwise. You have it worse, because of the amount of time, but there's still... oh love. -hugs- I know it fucked me over and I hope your brain and emotions are doing okay. ):

And yeah smokes. xD;;; I know it's grody but well. d: How does anyone every explain why they smoke cigarettes?

[Lioshika]

Thanks Kaunsenkeli. I was really pissed about it. Especially since his mom seemed to like me.

Helsinki: -Hugs back.- Thanks. I just don't' know where it came from. and on Christmas. Last I had heard from him he was fine. He was doing some new things, welding and such. He had the divorce from his bitch-wife. He had even talked me out of my depression a few times. Told me how it wasn't worth it to kill yourself. That's what really hit me. He never let me even get there. And he just ... Croni warned me to not look at the report, except silly me was trying to find out what happened. I thought he was in an accident..

[Helsinki Harlot]

Tattoo pics under cut that I was talking about;

^ The tattoo I let myself have after about 6-7 months after Jon died, as a reward for not having gone off the deep end to something I couln't get back from. My drinking to healthier from there.





Jon's memorial tattoo.

AZALEA - Take Care of Yourself for Me,
IRIS -Faith, Hope, Wisdom and Valor,
Forget Me Not- True love, hope, remembrance, memories.

It's also my line art.

[Lioshika]

That's all very pretty. I've wanted a tattoo, but don't know of what or where. I know it needs to be somewhere I can easily hide for the purpose of the professional fields and being hired. But at the same time, I know that it is becoming more accepted.

[Helsinki Harlot]

I'm SUCH A BLABER MOUTH. I'M SORRY. Just feeling very passionate tonight and don't know how to shut my face hole. Lio; You know I used to think that you were't allowed to feel anger at anything when a person passed? I've gotten better about that. But you should have been pissed. Thrown a few stones into car windshields. That was messed up of the family. Finding out after the fact, when you're supposed to be that close to them. Makes you want to scream.

I already like this guy you're talking about. Reminds me of Jon. I actually freaked for a bit because other than the details... Jon's life was... last time we talked getting better. And then we don't talk for awhile and... this is my relation to the not knowing and waiting. I had the best birthday of my life, July 1st. [Relation to special time trauma; which fuckin' sucks. He died end of July. SO that x-mas timing. Just. -holds you tight-] Sarah was going to get to come to Finland with me. I could finally show someone where I was from. I got a laptop with a webcam, and my grandma bought a web stick so I could get wifi anywhere in Finland. I went into my summer thinking that I could show Jon by proxy where I'm from. I'd been in Finland 2 weeks, and hell. I remember the page of the book I was reading that day. Get a text from Sarah to my mom saying "[my name]needs to call me when she can. It's important." And... I'm not going to recount the phone call. But he'd already been two weeks dead. And i was just... things were SUPPOSED to be okay.

Anyway; he sounds like an amazing, wonderful, human being. I can't imagine the specific feeling you guys had but I know loss, and it is friggin' awful. And the reason I got on my soap box is because I don't know what to say that might help, because been in the damn shoes and still don't know what people should say to me.

I... I , fuck. I don't. It probably would'- no. I can't even say that. Argh. I don't want to side rail to me, but it's the only way I know how to talk? Is to relate to my own experiences. Ju- ARGH. I dont want to be intensive or. Well. Okay. I almost said, it probably would've been better for you not to look at the report. For the trauma factor. But.... at the same time. I'm... the side that never did? Jon... when he died. It took me half a year ('cause I was gone out of my head) to try and FIND an obituary. Find any article... or proof... that he was shot and tossed in a river. Seems like that'd make news. Sarah... when she called to check up on Jon, was too shocked to ask for where his grave is. So on one hand... if... if I got the details. A part of me would ease... and it would help because my imagination is awful. But, at the same time... it might be better that I don't know the details. See the report. It's. Argh. Fucked up.

Sudden death is just shit all around. And it's so friggin' hard to move past it and I am so sorry you had to live through that. Hell. I'm even more sorry that your friend had to have that happen to him. From the few words you said about him, he deserved so much more. Such a better future. Not something cut so short. I just want to make you tea, and home made food, and make you a blanket fort.

[Batty]

And I return!.... to a wall of text. Holy shit.

[Kaunisenkeli]

Sorry, I had to start getting ready for work, so this is probably going to be my last post for tonight until I log on at work (about an hour after I arrive, so midnight mountain time).

Oh man, well hopefully she's okay and comes back for the finished story one day.

I actually have no problems talking about it, and I've done presentations on what's it's like to be transgender in our world in both my Psychology of Gender and College Biology classes during the past two semesters to help people understand the best I can. Sometimes I just white-text it online, I don't know why. Best of luck to your ex in working it all out. :D

Yeah, it frightens me to look back at some of those times. I'm glad Sarah was there to keep you from drowning like that.

Oh my. Well, I'm glad he helped you to become better, and his memory helps you even now. Just keep fighting to be better. :D

Yeah, it is hard, but it's good to hear that you're still trying. I'm not very good at advice, but I can always lend an ear if you want/need to talk. :D

Well, that time has come while I was typing. I should start shutting down and getting my lappy ready to head for work. Love to all of you. Bye for now. :D

[Lioshika]

Batty; o_o I see wall too. A

Aww Helsinki you're too kind. TT__TT I am mad at him for what he did, but what can i do? Being mad at him isn't going to do any good. But it is strange. It's like people who get better, suddenly snap or something. I'll never really understand it. Nor am I sure I want to. I just wish he came and talked to me about the situation. You know? But I shouldn't go on about that. It's in the past and all I can do is continue living and enjoying life like he once told me to.

kaunsenkeli; I don't have a problem discussing it. It's more the issue that she doesn't seem to like my writing or my sources. I get tired of this. i changed my topics three times because of her. The final change was literally just three days before the proposal was due.

[Helsinki Harlot]

Battybby; WELCOME BACK. -clings- I is having a night. xD;; And we're getting into deep shit. <3

-runs off to respond to the walls of text mentioned-

[Batty]

Hehe, Harly is known for her very well thought out walls of text.

I just wish I wasn't so lazy, I'd do it too!

[Lioshika]

I'm not sure I ever really have much to say to create such a wall of text? I've been told I am laconic.

I may go here in a moment. I need to make up my cue cards for my presentation tomorrow. -Whines lightly.- I'm freaking nervous of how this class grade will turn out.

[Helsinki Harlot]

Enkeli; Well first. Have fun at work! :) And please come back!

I hope so too but... the prediction isn't good.

Oh all right. It's just hard navigating through that with people. You never know what's going to trigger someone. I've learned that I've used a lot of pronouns and words and been offensive when I haven't meant to be and just. I've now become really careful about it.

So far it's going good. I have permission to talk about. They want to loose some weight first and then move more into the public aspect. I help them on the sexual side but we're working on them becoming comfortable in their own body.

I am too. Just... to many nights. Like, I'm never against drug use. I gen. recommend people try shrooms at least once in their life. It won't let you hide from your problems. I felt so much clearer the night after. But yeah. Lucky to have her.

It's... hard. And it will always be. But... I don't want to shame his memory if nothing else. :)And it's always good to have someone just to verbal vomit to. I've noticed... the more I talk about it, the better I am. I had no one to talk to for a year about Jon's death and even then it was a few mentions here and there that I did. Hell, 99% of the people in my life didn't even know it happened. But it helps to talk. Doesn't matter if the other person knows what to say, 'cause you can talk it out and think and work yourself because you think about your words. And every time it gets better.

[Batty]

-cuddles Harlotbby-