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Suzerain of Sheol Suzerain of Sheol is offline
Desolation Denizen
Default Suze Poetry   #1  
I'll be using this thread to post some of the poems I've written. Comments are very welcome, as is criticism. I love being criticized. I must be a masochist. :p

I wrote these two in creative writing today (while ignoring the teacher's banal assignment).

My poems tend to be not very direct. I don't like just stating what I'm trying to say. It actually bothers me when I hear/read poems that need no dissection to be understood. Admittedly... I may go too far, at times.

Beyond Recall


Choking on Roses
Cold silence has a tendency
to atrophy any sense of compassion
between supposed lovers.
Between supposed brothers.
Old Posted 05-11-2011, 08:21 PM Reply With Quote  
Default   #2   Suzerain of Sheol Suzerain of Sheol is offline
Desolation Denizen
One of my more religiously-themed poems, and also one of my favorites.

Thaumatology

Cold silence has a tendency
to atrophy any sense of compassion
between supposed lovers.
Between supposed brothers.
Old Posted 05-13-2011, 12:42 AM Reply With Quote  
Suzerain of Sheol Suzerain of Sheol is offline
Desolation Denizen
Default   #3  
I just found this buried on my hard drive. I can't even remember when or why I wrote it, but I like it, as short as it is. Sort of prose poem.

A Mirror for the Stars
Cold silence has a tendency
to atrophy any sense of compassion
between supposed lovers.
Between supposed brothers.
Old Posted 05-13-2011, 04:25 PM Reply With Quote  
Default   #4   Suzerain of Sheol Suzerain of Sheol is offline
Desolation Denizen
A couple more, religious themed again, though fairly twisted.

Salvation



Cardiophage

Cold silence has a tendency
to atrophy any sense of compassion
between supposed lovers.
Between supposed brothers.
Old Posted 05-14-2011, 01:47 PM Reply With Quote  
Quiet Man Cometh Quiet Man Cometh is offline
We're all mad here.
Default   #5  
Hi there! Read through some of your poems last night but my brain wasn't working so well so I ran away from the longer ones. I will state though that "Choking on Roses" was the title that caught my attention the most.

I was intrigued by "A Mirror for the Stars," but ultimatley I couldn't focus on it well because -and here's my gripe- the "Time is relative" just screams cliche' to the point where it bounces me right out of the poem. One, I'm not sure how it fits into the poem at all given that the perception of time doesn't seem to be a major point, and two, I have no idea how relative time connects to remnants of any kind. Blah! Don't get it. It's also a little annoying in the sense that it's this sort of 'no &@^$' line in the middle of an otherwise fairly interpretive poem.

Okay, so that's wasn't as civil as I normally am but that really was my first impression of that particular phrase. Otherwise, I did like the lines and ideas, particularly the first half sentence at "stones."
Old Posted 05-14-2011, 07:52 PM Reply With Quote  
Default   #6   Suzerain of Sheol Suzerain of Sheol is offline
Desolation Denizen
I'm curious as to whether you mean "caught my attention" positively or negatively. I was iffy on using that title.

As for the rest, well, for one thing, I seem to have gotten confused. I meant to post a different prose poem, I've never been terribly fond of that one. I wrote it on a whim in class and never really went back to it.

And I understand what you're saying. I'm not even sure what I meant by that line. The two clauses don't seem to fit together at all, and it's trite and, as you said, obvious, while at the same time making little sense.

As a very simple fix, what immediately springs to mind is to reword it to "Time is a fractured frieze..." though that still leaves it feeling somewhat disconnected from the rest. I'll have to think on it.

Thanks for commenting. :)
Cold silence has a tendency
to atrophy any sense of compassion
between supposed lovers.
Between supposed brothers.
Old Posted 05-14-2011, 08:03 PM Reply With Quote  
Quiet Man Cometh Quiet Man Cometh is offline
We're all mad here.
Default   #7  
Ah, yes. I'd say the title caught my attention in a good way. In one part, it's the usual contrast between pretty roses and choking nastiness, and as far as poetry titles go, it's graphic and direct, rather than vague or smokey with efforts to be mysterious. It made me curious to read it, though as I said, I ran away from the length. I will get to it, really!

"Fractured freeze" works better, but I'm not entirely sure what role time has in the poem in general. I'll have to read it again with a little attention on the rest of it.
Old Posted 05-14-2011, 08:21 PM Reply With Quote  
Default   #8   Suzerain of Sheol Suzerain of Sheol is offline
Desolation Denizen
I wouldn't bother looking to deeply into 'A Mirror for the Stars,' if I was really going to work on it, I'd expand it to fit the concept of that line in better.
Cold silence has a tendency
to atrophy any sense of compassion
between supposed lovers.
Between supposed brothers.
Old Posted 05-14-2011, 08:24 PM Reply With Quote  
Suzerain of Sheol Suzerain of Sheol is offline
Desolation Denizen
Default   #9  
Brachiation
Cold silence has a tendency
to atrophy any sense of compassion
between supposed lovers.
Between supposed brothers.
Old Posted 05-15-2011, 11:32 PM Reply With Quote  
Default   #10   Suzerain of Sheol Suzerain of Sheol is offline
Desolation Denizen
Ah, found it. This is the prose poem I meant to post above.

Savor This
Cold silence has a tendency
to atrophy any sense of compassion
between supposed lovers.
Between supposed brothers.
Old Posted 05-17-2011, 02:43 PM Reply With Quote  
Quiet Man Cometh Quiet Man Cometh is offline
We're all mad here.
Default   #11  
Quote:
Originally Posted by Suzerain of Sheol View Post
I wouldn't bother looking to deeply into 'A Mirror for the Stars,' if I was really going to work on it, I'd expand it to fit the concept of that line in better.
No discouraging people from reading into poetry! :p Comes with the territory of being a poet. ;)
Old Posted 05-18-2011, 11:41 PM Reply With Quote  
Default   #12   Suzerain of Sheol Suzerain of Sheol is offline
Desolation Denizen
Well, yeah, I'm just saying, if you read too much into that one, you're likely not to find anything too special. :p
Cold silence has a tendency
to atrophy any sense of compassion
between supposed lovers.
Between supposed brothers.
Old Posted 05-18-2011, 11:49 PM Reply With Quote  
8bit 8bit is offline
Squishy Blob
Default   #13  
ur poetry is awesome! aha makes me want to write one now, but i'm not soo good at it xD
Old Posted 05-19-2011, 12:26 AM Reply With Quote  
Default   #14   Suzerain of Sheol Suzerain of Sheol is offline
Desolation Denizen
Oh, thank you. I have more, I just haven't gotten around to digging it out of the recesses of my hard-drive yet.
Cold silence has a tendency
to atrophy any sense of compassion
between supposed lovers.
Between supposed brothers.
Old Posted 05-19-2011, 12:29 AM Reply With Quote  
Quiet Man Cometh Quiet Man Cometh is offline
We're all mad here.
Default   #15  
Practice can do a lot, Sakura. Sounds funny but one doesn't have to be brilliant at poetry from the get go. My old stuff is generally cringe-worthy but I did gradually refine what I did and work out what I liked best about writing and stuff got better.

I suppose I could share too, so that it's not so lonely out here. I'm really not sure if I should post on other threads that have been around so long. Are they considered dead?
Old Posted 05-19-2011, 02:47 AM Reply With Quote  
Default   #16   Suzerain of Sheol Suzerain of Sheol is offline
Desolation Denizen
I assumed they were dead, but what do I know? :p

Anyway, for me, I still keep the first poem I ever wrote in my "Poems I like" folder, but the next... 30 or so are all very firmly in "Poems I Don't Like" awaiting cannibalization whenever I see fit.

I guess I can include it here. It's certainly not my favorite, but I don't hate it. It's a bit more direct than I usually am, though, and seems a bit... grasping. Pretentious, maybe? Hedging cliche? I don't know.

Flight
Cold silence has a tendency
to atrophy any sense of compassion
between supposed lovers.
Between supposed brothers.
Old Posted 05-19-2011, 08:27 AM Reply With Quote  
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