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Arsis_von_Neaera Arsis_von_Neaera is offline
THIS. IS. SPAR -shot- ... *gurgle*
Default   #17  
Interesting. Ashes are a commonly unpleasant image to me. I will certainly examine my usage of the word more. If it means anything, Arsis is the name of a gateway to hell, supposedly a volcano in the Scandinavian regions. Irony would have it that I use ashes often.
Maybe it's a condition, ever think of that? No, no you didn't. You never thought, "oh maybe he's sensitive about his invisible eyes." Maybe it's a skin condition.

"Maybe she was born with it..."
Old Posted 01-24-2012, 07:40 PM Reply With Quote  
Default   #18   Arsis_von_Neaera Arsis_von_Neaera is offline
THIS. IS. SPAR -shot- ... *gurgle*
This is a short story from my past.

Maybe it's a condition, ever think of that? No, no you didn't. You never thought, "oh maybe he's sensitive about his invisible eyes." Maybe it's a skin condition.

"Maybe she was born with it..."
Old Posted 01-24-2012, 10:47 PM Reply With Quote  
Suzerain of Sheol Suzerain of Sheol is offline
Desolation Denizen
Default   #19  
Will read and give feedback by tomorrow for you. Have a good chunk of Milton to work through before the night's out that I've been procrastinating procrastinating all day.
Cold silence has a tendency
to atrophy any sense of compassion
between supposed lovers.
Between supposed brothers.
Old Posted 01-24-2012, 11:03 PM Reply With Quote  
Default   #20   Arsis_von_Neaera Arsis_von_Neaera is offline
THIS. IS. SPAR -shot- ... *gurgle*
With bated breath. No clue what Milton is, though.
Maybe it's a condition, ever think of that? No, no you didn't. You never thought, "oh maybe he's sensitive about his invisible eyes." Maybe it's a skin condition.

"Maybe she was born with it..."
Old Posted 01-25-2012, 12:25 AM Reply With Quote  
Suzerain of Sheol Suzerain of Sheol is offline
Desolation Denizen
Default   #21  
John Milton, the English poet? Wrote Paradise Lost?

Taking a class on him.
Cold silence has a tendency
to atrophy any sense of compassion
between supposed lovers.
Between supposed brothers.
Old Posted 01-25-2012, 12:28 AM Reply With Quote  
Default   #22   Arsis_von_Neaera Arsis_von_Neaera is offline
THIS. IS. SPAR -shot- ... *gurgle*
Ah. Nope. I don't really read poetry. Which explains much of the repetitive style and lack of structural ingenuity. That's a though, maybe I should read more poetry... hmmm...
Maybe it's a condition, ever think of that? No, no you didn't. You never thought, "oh maybe he's sensitive about his invisible eyes." Maybe it's a skin condition.

"Maybe she was born with it..."
Old Posted 01-25-2012, 12:36 AM Reply With Quote  
Suzerain of Sheol Suzerain of Sheol is offline
Desolation Denizen
Default   #23  
I don't actually read that much poetry myself, beyond what I need to do for school. I *do* want to read Paradise Lost very badly, though, since the Fall of Lucifer story really intrigues me (and Draconian might have done a concept album on it...) Hence taking Milton class.
Cold silence has a tendency
to atrophy any sense of compassion
between supposed lovers.
Between supposed brothers.
Old Posted 01-25-2012, 12:38 AM Reply With Quote  
Default   #24   Arsis_von_Neaera Arsis_von_Neaera is offline
THIS. IS. SPAR -shot- ... *gurgle*
You seem to have a fascination with Lucifer in specific. I'll have to check out Draconian. I believe I've heard of Paradise Lost before. I'll have to check it out. There is a band that this reminded me of. A bit heavy and nonsensical, their lyrics can be out right demonic, but I think you might find Aeons music interesting.
Maybe it's a condition, ever think of that? No, no you didn't. You never thought, "oh maybe he's sensitive about his invisible eyes." Maybe it's a skin condition.

"Maybe she was born with it..."
Old Posted 01-25-2012, 12:44 AM Reply With Quote  
Suzerain of Sheol Suzerain of Sheol is offline
Desolation Denizen
Default   #25  
Yeah, I really do find his character intriguing. I try not to write about him so much anymore, feels like I'm repeating myself, but he creeps in every now and then.

Oh, and Paradise Lost is like a 400-page poem, just so you know. :p It's considered the greatest poem ever written in English. (By some people... for some definition of "great")

And I'm going to need to make a list of bands to look up now.
Cold silence has a tendency
to atrophy any sense of compassion
between supposed lovers.
Between supposed brothers.
Old Posted 01-25-2012, 12:48 AM Reply With Quote  
Default   #26   Arsis_von_Neaera Arsis_von_Neaera is offline
THIS. IS. SPAR -shot- ... *gurgle*
Sounds a bit like Dante's Inferno, which I still have never read. I've always been interested in the angelic hierarchy and the concept of fallen angels. I actually wrote a story about one. In fact, it was about Innon. You'll have to read its tid bits some time. I'm off though. Will be back sometime tomorrow. Have fun with whatever you do. Looking forward to joining Eschaton. Peace.
Maybe it's a condition, ever think of that? No, no you didn't. You never thought, "oh maybe he's sensitive about his invisible eyes." Maybe it's a skin condition.

"Maybe she was born with it..."
Old Posted 01-25-2012, 12:55 AM Reply With Quote  
Suzerain of Sheol Suzerain of Sheol is offline
Desolation Denizen
Default   #27  
I just acquired Dante's Divine Comedy myself. It's sitting on my "to read" pile. Looking forward to that one as well.

And, yeah, you'll have to show me that some time.
Cold silence has a tendency
to atrophy any sense of compassion
between supposed lovers.
Between supposed brothers.
Old Posted 01-25-2012, 01:00 AM Reply With Quote  
Default   #28   Suzerain of Sheol Suzerain of Sheol is offline
Desolation Denizen
Okay, read your story. Running on little-to-no sleep here, so I'm not sure I entirely apprehended what was going on, but the two parts where the narrator is listing of their thoughts were incredibly interesting and very well-written. So much so that I fear the rest of the piece suffers in comparison. It feels kind of plodding at times, repetitive at others, and maybe a little too "telling" (as opposed to showing) i.e. "this, then this, then that, then that happened".

Was worth the read for those two section alone, though. I find that sort of thing fascinating.
Cold silence has a tendency
to atrophy any sense of compassion
between supposed lovers.
Between supposed brothers.
Old Posted 01-25-2012, 05:37 PM Reply With Quote  
Arsis_von_Neaera Arsis_von_Neaera is offline
THIS. IS. SPAR -shot- ... *gurgle*
Default   #29  
The rest of the piece suffers miserably, I agree with you entirely. I haven't read this in years, since I wrote it. Which was two years ago, probably in december-ish. I greatly appreciate the compliment. Though the gross detail of the environment is indeed a put off, I think it's almost necessary. It kind of makes the rest worth it. The two descriptions were originally poems, but both came from the same place, so I combined them into this narrative, which the story, although much of it unnecessary, was very symbolic.

But I agree, too telling throughout most of it, but totally worth reading anyways. I'll try and cut back on the detail. The detail comes from the fact that the environment is really my old bedroom. I've always wanted to paint its white walls...
Maybe it's a condition, ever think of that? No, no you didn't. You never thought, "oh maybe he's sensitive about his invisible eyes." Maybe it's a skin condition.

"Maybe she was born with it..."
Old Posted 01-25-2012, 06:20 PM Reply With Quote  
Default   #30   Suzerain of Sheol Suzerain of Sheol is offline
Desolation Denizen
Well, for a really simple suggestion, I'd look at every use of the word "arm" and consider whether there isn't an alternative you could use, especially at the beginning where it gets repeated so many times. That was the thing that stood out the most to me as I read.
Cold silence has a tendency
to atrophy any sense of compassion
between supposed lovers.
Between supposed brothers.
Old Posted 01-25-2012, 06:23 PM Reply With Quote  
Arsis_von_Neaera Arsis_von_Neaera is offline
THIS. IS. SPAR -shot- ... *gurgle*
Default   #31  
Yes, that and the description of the environment can really be completely taken out. Will do. Thank you for reading it.
Maybe it's a condition, ever think of that? No, no you didn't. You never thought, "oh maybe he's sensitive about his invisible eyes." Maybe it's a skin condition.

"Maybe she was born with it..."
Old Posted 01-25-2012, 06:30 PM Reply With Quote  
Default   #32   Toxic Rainbow Kisses Toxic Rainbow Kisses is offline
*twitch*
I loved Blood red sky
Old Posted 01-26-2012, 03:20 PM Reply With Quote  
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