[Suzerain of Sheol]

Okay, first off (I'm going to do this in installments, since it's a bit lengthy) let's talk about showing vs. telling.

What you're doing here in the beginning is exposition. Listing off facts and information to the reader. It comes off as dull, the way it's written, because it isn't conveyed in a dynamic way. You're just catching the reader up on what's going on, at the expense of action (in the general sense, not in the explosion sense. :p)

Imagine this, instead: You skip the info-dump to begin with, and you follow Kimberly's actions. You let the audience learn about the world she exists in as her senses experience it. That way, they both get into the character's perspective, and get important info in slow drips, rather than being force-fed it all at once.

On a similar note, don't write like you're talking to the reader. It looks clumsy. Try to make the story immersive, focus what the character is experiencing, and just show that to the audience. Trust them to figure it out, as long you describe it well enough. This will have the effect of speeding up the pacing of your story and help keep people interested.

Other than that, what I notice mechanics-wise so far is that you're usage of commas is kind of all over the place. You don't use them when you should sometimes, and in other places, you have them where they don't belong. I find the best way to deal with commas if you're having trouble is to read your work aloud, making sure to pause appropriately wherever there's a comma, and if it doesn't sound right, delete it. Likewise, if a sentence seems like it needs to be broken up, put in a comma to separate the clauses.