[Merskelly Metalien]

I wanna cry now that I'm so stressed about my life. ;~; But I can't, because I'm emotionally numb and anxiety comes easier which is not at all great, because then I need so much re-assurance and distraction which helps but doesn't take the worry away until I force the thought from my mind, *gaaaasp*
<x'{ And tomorrow is father's day and I don't know how on earth I'm supposed to spend time with my dad since he's the main person that asks me about everything I worry over and I gotta lie to him so I don't draw attention to myself, but I can't lie to him cause he can tell when I'm lying, ;~; and he does his best to encourage and support me, but I'm not supporting or encouraging myself so I'm combating his support and I can't do anything to help myself yet, and I know it hurts him to see me this way..but I don't wanna spend father's day that way.

;_; I just wanna reminisce with him and ask him to tell me stories about the memories he has and what he can share, because I just want to feel love again instead of pressure and worry.
I hope it goes that way tomorrow.

God I am so bummed that I never have much to tell him about what I'm up to. ;n; </3 I can't let him know what's really going on...that I'm numbing myself and distracting myself while I deteriorate away into apathy and despair. I was doing better and now I'm not, and it is tougher than he understands I think...I know if I were him, I wouldn't want to know my daughter is struggling with depression and anxiety due to past traumas and can't move forward like healthy people can. I always feel like a joyful presence, but a disappointing failure too. ;n; Maybe if I try really hard I can cry myself to sleep tonight, but I probably won't...

shoot. I didn't even get him a father's day gift or make a card or anything. <x'C </3 ugh. Wish I didn't need to feel like I have to prove myself all the time in order to feel worth. ;n; </3 No wonder I always feel worthless...I feel like I can't ever prove myself. No matter how hard I try..so I don't try anymore. It's-all of it is too hard. All of it.
Why am I venting about this on here??? <x'{ It's so embarrassing and rambling and pitiful and-augh! I need to stop. I'll stop!

I'll forget about all this in the morning...