[Awen Moonshine]

I'm now beyond low... I hate my life as it is. I am in almost constant pain, I never have any money and I am trapped where I am. I am stuck living in a place I don't feel comfortable with no real support network. As much as I love my partner, I am not in love with him and never have been. I want to leave but I have nowhere else to go and I wouldn't be able to cope with looking after our daughter on my own. I can barely look after myself as is. But I cannot leave her with him either as he works and is not as understanding as I am. I don't mean that in a nasty way, but he snaps at her over the smallest of things that I would either ignore or laugh at. I don't trust other people and live miles from my family, although they don't feel much like a family to me anymore. I only see them on their birthdays and around holidays, if that and when I do see them it feels as if they can't wait to get rid of me. I feel unwanted everywhere I go and my social anxiety makes it practically impossible to meet new people. I wish I'd never been pregnant and been forced to move here. I wish I had been a better granddaughter so my nan hadn't gotten so stressed and had her stroke... She's not been the same since and I know it's all my fault. I wish I'd never wanted to know who my dad was... I wish he was rotting in jail for eternity for all he's done, not free to live his life like nothing had happened. I wish I could just be like everyone else for once, and not have to live my life in pain and fear, restricted beyond all hope. I wish I could be the old me. The me from before all the crap. Start again from when I was 12...